My name is Kelis; call me anything else and you'll be begging for death when I've finished with you. If you don't know who I am then you will once I've finished telling you the story about how I went from being Kelly Jones' daughter and a St Trinian Head Girl to being an icon that brought fear into most men's hearts. If the mention of my mother's name hasn't already sent you screaming and crying off into the hills then you and I may get along. I may even grow to like you if you either don't have a clue who Kelly Jones is or who my father, Flash Harry, is. I can't stand being referred to as the following: Kelly's Girl, Miniature Kelly, Jones and/or anything that relates to my name and heritage. It is classed as pure stupidity to do that to somebody who is trained in multiple martial arts, firearm handling and of course the traditional skill of blackmail and bribery.

For those of you who have been with me since I was fourteen then you will know the basics (or maybe more details) about my humble life. If not then I think it will only be polite to tell you the main points since you haven't ran off crying. The boring, formal details include my name and age so in true Alcoholics Anonymous fashion, my name is Kelis Jones and today is my twenty-first birthday. I've always liked drink during the day but that is unavoidable when you attend the infamous St Trinians School for young 'ladies', I'm not an alcoholic. Like I've just stated, I attended t Trinians which won't surprise you if you have ever received the displeasure of meeting my mother. I spent a grand total of a week at St Trinians before running off to an island just off the cost of Spain with my idiotic cousin Jenifer French. Naturally this tribe had attempted to marry me off before sending me back to England 'for my own protection' three years later. At sixteen I returned to my homeland and decided to lead Mum, Annabelle, Taylor, Andrea and the rest of St Trinians on a wild goose chase before returning (after being kidnaped by Sir Piers Pomfrey and mistaken for Annabelle's daughter) to the school with Jen and my boyfriend at the time Pedro.

After all of this drama, I became the latest Jones descendant to become Head Girl at St Trinians. Then shit hit the fan during my reign. Now this is the part where things get complicated so keep up if you can, if not I suggest you get out of the kitchen. You see the thing is I had never met my dad Flash before I was fourteen; I was brought up by my Mum, Kelly Jones. Is that simple enough? Everything is about to get complicated so don't come moaning now that I've warned you. You see Mum was in a long term relationship with my headmistress, Annabelle Fritton, when I waked in on her in bed with Dad. At the time I didn't know what to do so I called Taylor and Andrea (because you can't have one without the other) who decided to bring in my estranged Aunty B. Now Aunty B was having issues of her own with juggling family life and being the leader a major mafia type gang, when Taylor called B was in prison so her eldest daughter, Kelly Jones Jr., was sent down to literally slap some sense into her namesake.

While all of this was going off I had my own worries to think about. My Spanish boyfriend Pedro had been summed back to the little Spanish tribal island to help his sick mother; before he left I decided to make him remember to come back. Like in all of the low budget films, I fell pregnant. Naturally the only person I told was Jen and she naturally decided to make jokes and laugh at my expense before taking things seriously. There wasn't a lot of time to worry about having a baby at seventeen years of age due to the reappearance (and my first meeting) of Rebecca Jones, Kelly Jones' younger sister and Kelly Jones Junior' mother. Now in case you were wondering, Aunty B and Mum are almost complete opposites. The main difference between them is that B is more open with her emotions than Mum is, she isn't as cold but at the same time she can be scary as hell.

Now this is where it gets scandalous. You see, Aunty B and her daughter Kelly Jones Jr. weren't on good terms. Jr. was slightly peeved because B had made her youngest daughter Georgie her heir to her massive fortune. Kelly Jr. thought she had the right to inherit the family gold because she was the eldest, but Aunty B had seen right through her. It turns out that Kelly Jr. was working with Sir Piers Pompous to get back at her Mum for this but instead the backstabber ended up dragging every Tom, Dick and Harry into it. I ended up being kidnapped again and losing the baby due to the situation she put me in. It's fine though, we got our revenge. A big battle was the result of my kidnapping.

While I was busy playing the damsel in distress, Kelly Junior was busy causing trouble on behalf of that Pomfrey git. To sum it up, she ended up splitting Mum and Belle up by planting a copy of the CCTV footage of Mum and Dad going at it in Fritton's room. Her plan was too frame Becca Jones for her crime against blood ties and family values, but my aunt wasn't and still isn't a fool. This led to B coming to my rescue whilst Mum rallied up an army that could take over the world. After a few days locked up, I was busted out along with Aunty B by my other cousin Georgie (B's youngest, Kelly Junior's little sister etc.) and we go stuck into the epic battle to the death. The battle didn't last long due to St Trinians and The Scorpion Gang (Aunty B's mafia) teaming together to outnumber the AD1 goons. We all went home, Mum and Fritton got engaged and we all played happy families, however shit is about to hit the fan again. Honestly, there's never a lot of peace and quiet in my life!

Today is the day that Kelly Jones finally marries her St Trinian sweetheart, Annabelle Fritton.