Shades of Feelings


Today I killed a man.

I saw the look in his eyes and the fear when he left. But there was nothing I could do about it.

I've killed before and I will kill again. I've been trained to kill since birth and it's one of the things I'm used to.

But still it's nothing that I'm proud of. And that is something I noticed again today.

It is my duty as the future king of Camelot to be a good leader. I have to show my people that I'm able to fight in battle and bring victory.

And still sometimes deep within myself I realize that I don't want to do this. There should be more in life than killing, shouldn't there? A higher purpose, something to live for.

What kind of king will I be?

Will I rule like my father before me? Or do I want to be different, better?

I don't even know if I'm allowed to think that. My father is a great king. The people look see him as a leader. They admire him. And Camelot is at peace like it hasn't been for a long time.

So if I could just be half as good as him I can be proud.

The man I killed today looked with this sign of despair and a sense of inner fear at me, the fear of someone who knew he had no choice.

And I understood him well.

It was a combat. Nothing special, something knights to everyday. But this man challenged me. He wanted a combat to the death.

I didn't want to fight him. I told him to retrieve. But this was an offer he would never take. He was too proud, too much a man of honour to retrieve. He was a man with no choice.

So we fought. And I won. I never lost in any combat and didn't plan to do it then. But I had to kill him.

I will never forget this look in his eyes. It was neither the despair nor the fear that frightened me. It was an inner feeling that grew in me.

I saw so much of myself in those eyes.

What kind of king will I be?