I couldn't resist. The idea popped into my head and I just couldn't resist :D Probably should mention that I hate all of the Twilight actors because they have no emotion. I do, to some extent, like the books. But not nearly as much as BtVS. Anyways, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, nor do I own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I also don't own the characters. Nor do I own a certain HP character.
The platinum blonde-haired vampire walked over to the sullen-faced, bronze-haired "vampire". If you could even call him a vampire. Which Spike most certainly did not. The bronze-haired "vampire" looked at Spike.
"I'm not afraid of you," Edward said emotionlessly.
"Then you're a git." Spike retorted. Edward looked at the stake in Spike's hand.
"Those don't hurt me." He told him, foolishly thinking that Spike didn't stand a chance. Edward hadn't realized that he couldn't hear Spike's thoughts.
"Wanna bet?" Spike tackled Edward. Edward toppled over, looking very much like a clumsy ballerina. Edward punched Spike in the face with his small, feminine fist. Spike stabbed the stake through Edward's jugular, making a hole that went all the way through. Edward shoved Spike off of him and jumped to his feet like a fairy. Spike got up. "You don't stand a chance, nancy-boy." he scoffed. Edward tried to punch Spike again. But Spike dodged.
"Hey! I can't hear your thoughts!" Edward complained.
"A bit slow there, you plonker." Spike noted. Edward thought that over for a couple of minutes.
"No I'm not!"
"You just proved it, you wazzack." he said. Spike grabbed Edward's arm and ripped it off. Edward screamed girlishly. "Nancy," Spike muttered. He took out his lighter and a cigarette. He lit Edward's arm on fire and then lit his cigarette.
"Edward!" Bella called out without any emotion whatsoever. Her expression was that of nothing. Spike and Edward looked at her. Bella tripped and stumbled over to them. Her dull brown eyes–that were somehow able to capture the heart of every highschool student despite their unattractiveness–watched Edward intently. She clutched his still-intact arm possessively. "Who are you?" she asked Spike tonelessly.
"A very bad man," Spike replied. Bella whimpered pathetically.
"Edward, kill him!" Bella said to Edward unemotionally. Spike laughed.
"He can't, you blooming bint." Spike told her, taking a puff of his cigarette. Bella bit her lip, which she always did in lieu of having a personality.
At that point, Lord Voldemort came strolling along. He took one look at Edward and said to Spike:
"Kill the spare!"
Spike grinned and attacked Edward again. Bella screamed, sounding a lot like a constipated cow. Edward used his one arm to try to shove Spike away. Edward was too much of a fairy for it to work.
"Daft berk." Spike muttered. Spike ripped off Edward's arm. Edward shrieked like a woman.
"Don't hurt him!" Bella cried out non-emotionally. Spike looked at her.
"Okay, you prat. But remember, this was your idea." Spike grabbed her and sank his teeth into her neck, quickly draining all of her blood and leaving her dead. Spike then turned back to Edward, who was dry-sobbing. "Your turn, divvy." Spike lit Edward's shiny hair on fire. Edward screamed high pitchedly. Spike ripped his head off and lit the rest of him on fire. Spike stepped back to admire his work. "There, now that's taken care of." Spike looked over at Voldemort. "Hey Voldy, wanna go grab a milkshake?"
Well I hope you liked it. It was fun to write. By the way, git, plonker, wazzack, and berk all mean idiot. Please review!