Disclaimer: The characters in this fic, such as Johnny, Shania, etc. don't belong to me; they are property of Nautilus and Midway, so don't sue! ;.;
Dedications: God, my friends, my readers, my RP buddies, Aruze for gracing this magnificent RPG with yet another installment, X-SEED for localizing this game, and finally, all the fans that are still devoted to this series after so long.
JOHNNY GARLAND: The Complete Owner's Guide And User Manual
This action figure is manufactured by the Nautilus Corporation, imported by XSEED Games.
You are now the proud owner of a brand new fully-automated JOHNNY GARLAND unit! To ensure that you unravel the full use and benefits of your energetic MALICE-filled youth, please pay close attention to the instructions below.
Name: Johnny Garland
Date of Manufacture: 1908
Place of Manufacture: USA
Your JOHNNY GARLAND unit is equipped with the following accessories:
One yellow and black stadium jacket
One red t-shirt
One white undershirt
One pair of blue jeans
One pair of dark brown dress shoes with golden shoelaces
One ordinary knife (Warning: Blade may become charged with MALICE. See FAQ.)
One Edgar MIV camera
One vacuum cleaner
One cell phone
One random Stellar chart with various attack, support, and healing Stellars
Awaker Programming (preinstalled)
Please be warned that when opening the box for the first time, you may be temporarily blinded by a bright flash of light. This is normal, as your new JOHNNY GARLAND unit has just taken a picture of you, in order to uphold his esteemed status as Snap Master. Note that if you take poor care of your JOHNNY GARLAND unit, he can exploit your weaknesses, since all of your statistical data has been recorded in his Snap card.
The JOHNNY GARLAND unit is a regular-looking teenage boy with untamable blond hair. Due to his curious nature and reckless behavior, he will most likely stumble into some dangerous situations. But fear not! He will either be rescued by a SHANIA or LENNY CURTIS unit, or he can initiate his AWAKER programming to break free. Which would undoubtedly lead to even worse trouble, so please take extra precautions with selecting this method.
Detective: This is the primary function of your JOHNNY GARLAND unit. As a detective, your JOHNNY GARLAND specializes in locating people or items, and solving puzzles. If you are searching for any rare items, such as out-of-print "economic periodicals", just rely on your JOHNNY GARLAND to hunt it down! He can even follow and spy on your lover for evidence, should you suspect infidelity in your relationship. Your JOHNNY GARLAND will show great reluctance if assigned to a missing pet case, but rest assured, he can still get the job done! It is highly recommended to have other allied units accompanying your JOHNNY GARLAND to ensure he doesn't get too sidetracked or roped into other messes.
Photographer: Looking to blackmail someone? Or do you just want some pictures to be taken, for no special reason? Your JOHNNY GARLAND unit comes equipped with a special magical camera that doesn't need any film to take pictures. He is always ready to snap photos at a moment's notice, anywhere and anytime. Just be sure to keep replenishing his Mana points as needed. Please refrain from trying to gag your JOHNNY GARLAND after hearing his phrase, "Look over here! Smile and say cheese!" for the thousandth time.
Housecleaner: Despite being a spoiled rich kid, your JOHNNY GARLAND unit is capable of performing a number of domestic house chores, such as sweeping chimneys, vacuuming, and cleaning gutters. Even if he doesn't feel like doing it, he will order a LENNY CURTIS unit to complete the task in his stead. You can simply dump all of your chores on your JOHNNY GARLAND, and then sit back to enjoy other much more fun activities!
Your JOHNNY GARLAND unit comes with the following modes:
Cocky (Default setting)
Please note that the Cocky, Serious, Exasperated, and Panic modes are interchangeable within seconds, while Jealous, Enamored, and Badass modes are closely associated.
Cocky: This is the default mode of your JOHNNY GARLAND, stemmed from his strong desire to prove his self-worth. In this state, he will constantly make bold declarations and act like everything is cool, even when he has bitten off more than he can chew. He will take on as many tasks as possible, and not show any hesitation or uncertainty in accomplishing them.
Panic: Your JOHNNY GARLAND is prone to freaking out at a moment's notice, especially when he observes things that he considers abnormal, such as random items getting pulled out of the ground, large talking cats, or hungry vampires jumping him and biting his neck for blood. For this reason, you must get him slowly acclimated to such units like the FRANK GOLDFINGER, MAO, and HILDEGUARD VALENTINE models.
Serious: Despite having the appearance of a teenager, your JOHNNY GARLAND will behave seriously whenever the situation calls for it. In this mode, your JOHNNY GARLAND will be very attentive and contemplative. Should you wish for a change from this dull setting, you may set other units beside your JOHNNY GARLAND accordingly.
Exasperated: Prolonged exposure to a LENNY CURTIS or FRANK GOLDFINGER unit will often result in this mode. Your JOHNNY GARLAND will become impatient and short-tempered, which decreases his overall efficiency in carrying out assigned tasks. Please be cautious of getting hit by his waving arms.
Depressed: Due to the reemergence of his lost memories, your JOHNNY GARLAND will sink into bleak depression if left in the company of a LADY or GRAHAM GARLAND unit for too long. This emotional descent can also occur if a SHANIA unit is injured in his presence. He will become emotional and pensive, and may even cry. Your JOHNNY GARLAND will function at a much lower capacity in this mode.
Hateful: Having a KILLER unit in the nearby vicinity will surely drive your JOHNNY GARLAND into this state. It is not recommended that these two units encounter each other very often, as collateral damage will likely occur. Be careful not to leave your JOHNNY GARLAND in this mode for an extended amount of time, as it may lead to activation of his AWAKER programming.
Enamored: This mode springs to life after your JOHNNY GARLAND spends enough time with a SHANIA unit. His efficiency will spike up in a sharp increase, so long as he does not get distracted, like bouncing a SHANIA unit up and down in front of him. Please do not be alarmed if his cheeks periodically turn red during their interactions, as this is a customary response.
Jealous: Now that your JOHNNY GARLAND has formed a bond with a SHANIA unit, he will exhibit signs of jealousy if other male units try to talk to her. (Note: the NATAN unit seems to be the exception to this rule.) Restraint may need to be exercised, should your JOHNNY GARLAND start to approach said male units for combat purposes. In particular, witnessing a SHANIA and a ZONDA unit together will send your JOHNNY GARLAND into Jealous mode at lightning speed.
Badass: Your JOHNNY GARLAND will typically show off this side whenever he is trying to impress a SHANIA unit, or feeling particularly determined to prove himself. Additionally, if left alone in an alternate dimension where he has to save other allied units, he will instantly man up and rise to the challenge. Your JOHNNY GARLAND also frequently exhibits Badass mode in the presence of a KILLER unit, and will likely charge up his MALICE blade sometime during their encounter.
The JOHNNY GARLAND unit does not have a yaoi/slash setting, and if approached or hit on by any male units, he will freak out and immediately run away.
Your JOHNNY GARLAND unit is fairly open and friendly; therefore, he is compatible with many other models.
LENNY CURTIS: A former member of the Sapientes Gladio, he now serves as a devoted butler to your JOHNNY GARLAND. He issues many motherly commands to your JOHNNY GARLAND, but is generally ignored. The LENNY CURTIS unit will take care of everything neglected by your JOHNNY GARLAND, such as mending torn clothing, cleaning the house, or monitoring finances. Your JOHNNY GARLAND can call on the combat services of a LENNY CURTIS unit from anywhere around the world, even in alternate dimensions if needed.
GERARD MAGIMEL & BUIGEN: A homosexual couple originating from a foreign continent. They come together as a set, and will follow your JOHNNY GARLAND everywhere around the world to make passes… erm, money, by selling him useful items and equipment, and modifying his Stellar charts. If the GERARD MAGIMEL & BUIGEN unit gets too friendly with your JOHNNY GARLAND, sending in a female unit will pacify the dilemma.
SHANIA: A beautiful headstrong bounty hunter with generous assets, from the Garvoy Valley division. She is the destined lover of your JOHNNY GARLAND, and he will protect her at any cost, even going as far as to challenge sacred tribal traditions. Your JOHNNY GARLAND will instantly spring into action if any threats are targeted at the SHANIA unit. Contrarily, when your JOHNNY GARLAND inevitably stumbles into a dangerous situation, bring in a SHANIA unit to rescue him without fail. At a certain point, your JOHNNY GARLAND will declare his love for the SHANIA unit, complete with tremendous amounts of blushing. If his feelings are reciprocated, his overall growth and effectiveness will greatly increase. Your JOHNNY GARLAND would be more than happy to share his living space with the SHANIA unit.
NATAN: Bodyguard of the SHANIA unit, also from the Garvoy Valley division. The NATAN unit is often silent, but very observant, and will pick up many subtle hints and nuances that your JOHNNY GARAND undoubtedly missed. Initially, your JOHNNY GARLAND will feel compelled to compete with the NATAN unit to protect the SHANIA unit. After enough time has passed, the NATAN unit will eventually entrust his bodyguard duties to your JOHNNY GARLAND and step out of the picture.
FRANK GOLDFINGER: A ninja that practices jutsu acquired from a hidden village in Brazeel. Wanted or not, the FRANK GOLDFINGER unit will forcibly tag along with your JOHNNY GARLAND on his assignments. He will spew forth long stories about seemingly insignificant matters, which would very likely cause frustration in your JOHNNY GARLAND. The FRANK GOLDFINGER unit is even more prone to getting into trouble via stealing, should there be any artifacts embedded into the ground, everything from bus stops to frozen marlins. If the FRANK GOLDFINGER unit is driving your JOHNNY GARLAND completely crazy, bring in a MAO unit to immediately shut him down.
THE RING SPIRIT: A young ring spirit apprentice named AYA. She is the daughter unit of the famed RING SOUL unit. THE RING SPIRIT unit is the will of the Judgment Ring that governs all fate; apart from that role, she also attends school. She will ask your JOHNNY GARLAND to bring her any Ring Fragments that he comes across during his adventures. In return, she grants him the power to customize and strengthen his Judgment Ring. Despite their amicable relations and small age difference, THE RING SPIRIT unit views your JOHNNY GARLAND as an annoying little brother figure.
MAO: The right-hand cat of Chicago mafia boss Al Capone. She is also the reluctant master of the FRANK GOLDFINGER unit. Your JOHNNY GARLAND will freak out at first meeting, as the MAO unit is a large talking cat. After she awes him with her drunken kung-fu skills, your JOHNNY GARLAND will quickly grow fond of the MAO unit and give her an affectionate nickname. Please be aware that the MAO unit is constantly drinking alcohol, and may offer some to your JOHNNY GARLAND.
ROGER BACON: A strange creature that knows about the past of your JOHNNY GARLAND, amongst many other things. He is actually a powerful magician capable of affecting time, and yet he cannot accomplish something as simple as running on a machine of his own creation, or locating rare naughty-er, heavenly magazines. The ROGER BACON unit will send your JOHNNY GARLAND to track down said magazines, in exchange for esteemed rewards. In order to prevent corruption of his youthful innocence, it is recommended that other allied units accompany your JOHNNY GARLAND on these searches. The MAO, RICARDO GOMEZ, and SHANIA units are all wise choices.
HILDEGUARD VALENTINE: A female vampire from Blue Castle, she is the newest unit in the line of VALENTINE models. If left unattended, she may bite your JOHNNY GARLAND on the neck, as she has a liking for the taste of his blood. Your JOHNNY GARLAND will often be in Panic mode around the HILDEGUARD VALENTINE unit, particularly when she abruptly changes personalities. Please be warned that his Panic condition can worsen over time, so extended interaction is not recommended.
RICARDO GOMEZ: A wandering mariachi with a guitar full of hazardous materials. Your JOHNNY GARLAND admires the RICARDO GOMEZ unit, and will be inspired to learn valuable skills and lessons from him. Some examples include: playing melancholic guitar songs, rushing into imminent danger alone, taking on strenuous burdens, and how to kill a loved one. These teaching sessions will not last long, as the RICARDO GOMEZ unit will eventually wander off and disappear into the sunset. But all is not lost! With his superb ability at finding people, your JOHNNY GARLAND very well could run across the RICARDO GOMEZ unit one day.
GRAHAM GARLAND: The father unit to your JOHNNY GARLAND. He is a hardworking businessman that lacks in fulfilling parental duties. The GRAHAM GARLAND unit will gladly purchase numerous toys for your JOHNNY GARLAND to keep him occupied and out of the way. After a tragic accident involving his children units, the GRAHAM GARLAND unit will seek the Émigré Manuscript to pursue the forbidden resurrection ritual. Should your JOHNNY GARLAND somehow perish, you may purchase the GRAHAM GARLAND unit to revive him. Please note that the Émigré ritual will require five years to complete, and countless lives will be lost in order to accumulate the necessary MALICE.
In spite of his kind and outgoing personality, your JOHNNY GARLAND unit is regrettably incompatible with certain other models. Please be advised that interaction with the following units must be closely monitored and supervised:
PROFESSOR GILBERT: A former Arkham University professor involved in questionable research and underground experimentation. He will hire your JOHNNY GARLAND to investigate a perilous case, and then show his true colors shortly afterward. Like the ROGER BACON unit, the PROFESSOR GILBERT unit knows far more than he lets on. He is fascinated by paranormal activity, and has a penchant for abusing MALICE powers to suit his own desires. He later invites himself into the travels of the LADY and KILLER units, much to the chagrin of the latter. The PROFESSOR GILBERT unit is hated and disgusted by all allied units of your JOHNNY GARLAND.
LADY: A MALICE-driven being with no memories or distinct personality. Her body is that of GRACE GARLAND, the sister unit to your JOHNNY GARLAND. Unfortunately, due to her loss of memories from giving up all of her WILL, the LADY unit does not recognize your JOHNNY GARLAND as a beloved sibling. As such, she will not hesitate to strike him down, or any other units that stand in her path. It is his great responsibility to kill the LADY unit in order to save the world from destruction. If your JOHNNY GARLAND hesitates to act out of severe guilt, bring in a SHANIA unit to give him much-needed motivation.
KILLER: A serial killer pursued by the NYPD. He is devoted to the LADY unit after being saved by her numerous times, and will follow her unconditionally. Set on helping the LADY unit realize her goals, the KILLER unit is a mortal enemy to your JOHNNY GARLAND. He will taunt your JOHNNY GARLAND in an attempt to weaken his mental defenses, and then immediately threaten to kill him for the sake of protecting the LADY unit. If not carefully monitored, prolonged interaction between a KILLER unit and your JOHNNY GARLAND may result in the activation of AWAKER programming. Your JOHNNY GARLAND shares a "Kill On Sight" policy with the SHANIA unit, toward the KILLER unit.
Your JOHNNY GARLAND unit has the mindset of a teenage boy, and needs to be frequently reminded to take proper care of himself. A LENNY CURTIS unit will happily lecture your JOHNNY GARLAND over and over on important hygienic tasks, such as brushing his teeth and washing behind his ears. Should you wish to attempt combing down the long cowlick in his hair, do not bother wasting your time and energy, as it will always bounce right back up. Do not tumble dry the unit. Hang out on line to dry.
Your JOHNNY GARLAND unit needs to eat three meals a day. He has a preference for eggs and meat. Due to his short stature, some forceful persuasion might be required to convince him to eat enough vegetables so he can keep growing. For periods of rest, your JOHNNY GARLAND is accustomed to sleeping on hard surfaces, and can be satisfied with a stiff mattress, or a simple sleeping bag and tent. Due to his low sanity capacity, please be sure to allow your JOHNNY GARLAND plenty of opportunities to rest and restore his mental fatigue.
We are sorry that you no longer wish to keep your JOHNNY GARLAND unit. Please be warned that any attempts of disposal will very likely result in activation of his AWAKER programming, which will most certainly be perilous to your safety and everyone else around you. Decapitation may be most the effective method, provided you can catch him off-guard. You may also choose to surround your JOHNNY GARLAND with numerous KILLER units, and pray that they will be courageous enough to remain and finish the job, even in light of AWAKER programming.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My JOHNNY GARLAND just turned his knife into some freaky red lightsaber-looking thing! Is he malfunctioning?
A: Please do not be alarmed, as this is a normal occurrence. Once your JOHNNY GARLAND has learned to channel MALICE into his knife, his fighting capabilities will notably improve. You may now assign him to increasingly difficult and dangerous tasks. We would discourage you from attempting to play around with his MALICE blade, as it will negatively affect your sanity.
Q: Wow! My JOHNNY GARLAND suddenly grew taller and his hair got all long and spiky! His knife also turned into a dual red lightsaber! So cool! Is this a special function?
A: Your JOHNNY GARLAND unit has just enacted his AWAKER programming. We regret to inform you that you are now royally screwed. It is highly recommended that all small children and pets be moved far, far away, before they can get harmed or possibly killed. Please immediately call us and place a rush order for the special kit, WILL, to disable the AWAKER programming. Alternatively, if you are in possession of a SHANIA unit, you may activate her TIRAWA programming to subdue the MALICE influence.
Q: My JOHNNY GARLAND won't stop being depressed and lifeless! What gives?
A: This condition is most commonly caused by prolonged interaction between your JOHNNY GARLAND unit and the LADY and KILLER units. One effective solution would be to send in a LENNY CURTIS unit to remind your JOHNNY GARLAND that he will always have undying support from his faithful butler, no matter what happens. Another solution would be to surround your JOHNNY GARLAND with various allied models, such as the MAO or FRANK GOLDFINGER units, so they can try to cheer him up in their own unique ways. Finally, if all else fails, send in a SHANIA unit, and she will figure out how to bring him back to the land of the living. Her method of choice depends on the strength of their bond.
Q: I have a SHANIA unit, and I've been trying to set her up with my JOHNNY GARLAND. How long will it take for them to get together?
A: On average, it usually takes anywhere from one to three months for your JOHNNY GARLAND unit to view the SHANIA unit as a friend. After friendship has been established, an average of six months to a year will assuredly result in your JOHNNY GARLAND falling in love with the SHANIA unit. If you wish for them to become a couple sooner, have either a LADY or KILLER unit threaten to harm your SHANIA unit, allowing your JOHNNY GARLAND to try coming to her rescue. Please note that this method will not always succeed, as your JOHNNY GARLAND may end up needing to be rescued instead. Alternatively, you may trap your SHANIA unit in an inescapable dimension and send in your JOHNNY GARLAND to save her. (Just make sure he saves her first! The SHANIA unit will not accept any other rank of importance.) Persistence is the key to winning the heart of the SHANIA unit.
Q: I hate SHANIA! She's too tall and old for my JOHNNY GARLAND! I want to set him up with my HILDEGUARD VALENTINE because she is a hot Gothic Lolita and sparkles like the super awesome vampires in Twilight! What should I do?
A: We believe your request is nonsensical, and do not recommend this course of action. Attempts of such a foolish endeavor will only result in your JOHNNY GARLAND unit constantly running away from the HILDEGUARD VALENTINE unit, or remaining in Panic mode around her for extended periods. Additionally, if your JOHNNY GARLAND has already formed a bond with a SHANIA unit, the SHANIA unit may resort to drastic measures to get rid of competing models.
With proper care and appropriate precautions, your JOHNNY GARLAND unit will be a great asset to you. (It is recommended that you also purchase a SHANIA unit for frequent retrieval, and to keep property damage to a minimum.)
Thank you very much for your purchase! Please subscribe to our mailing list for news regarding other upcoming units of this line.