Warning: Reading the following fanfiction may cause severe fracturing of the human mind due to its excessive idiocy. The writer could only accomplish this with a pre-broken mind caused by having already suffered the madness that is My Immortal three times for the sake of other parody fics. All traditional rules of spelling and grammar shall hereby begone. Viower excretion advisd.

Secondary Notice: Nothing in this fic is to be taken seriously. Obvious (and not-so-obvious) canon facts have been interpreted incorrectly. Characters will act hopelessly OOC. The canon is disturbingly compatible with Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory. If you find that your most beloved characters have been defiled, rest easy in knowing that I love them too, and it simply had to be done to keep in the spirit of My Immortal.

However, the story will contain NO clop. There will be callbacks to MI's epic love scenes, certainly, but there will be no references to the terms "thingie" and "you-know-what." It has also been punctuated periodically with intelligent comments to relieve the torture, and additional alliterative appeal has been appended. Now, read and enjoy... you prepz.

This should be obvious, but since lawyers and corporations are greedy and stupid, no, I don't frickin' own MI or MLP or HP. That's right, I don't own Michigan or Hewlett-Packard.

Hi my name is Pinkamena Dark'ness Dementia Raven Pie, and I have a long ebony black mane (that's how I got my name, the Raven part not the Pinka part coz I bucking hate pink) with pink streaks and pink tips and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Nightmare Moon. I'm not related to Snips but I wish I was because he's a major bucking hottie.

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale pink fur. I'm also an alicorn now and I go to a magic school called Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns in Ponyville where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I love Carousel Botique and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black saddle with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat hoofboots. {I suspect that hilarity will ensue, considering that ponies normally don't wear clothes.}

I was walking outside the school. The pegasi had made it snow and rain so there was no sun today, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my- my, uh... I stuck out my tongue at them.

"Hey Pinky!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... King Sombra!

"What's up Sombra?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some rainbow from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant Wonderbolts t-shirt which I used for pajamas. {The original lists, in detail, her clothes and makeup here... nah.}

My friend, Willow Branch (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long hoof-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.

"OMBC, I saw you talking to King Sombra yesterday!" she said excitedly. {OMBC: Oh My Bucking Celestia!}

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing, cause I can do that even though I'm a vampire and have no blood flow.

"Do you like Sombra?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

{For those unfamiliar with My Immortal, it was the most infamous fanfic ever written in the Harry Potter fandom. As little detail is given to us about Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, I am forced to assume that it, too, is separated into Houses: Slytherin, the house of goffs; Gryffindor, the house of preps and posers; and Hufflepuff, the house of insignificant background ponies for when the vampires need food and rainbows.}

"No I so bucking don't!" I shouted. Then Sombra walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. Sometimes I can be so in love that I invent new adverbs.

"I herd (geddit koz there horses) the Grand Galloping Gala is in Canterlot." he told me.

"Oh. My. Bucking. Celestia!" I screamed. I love the GGG. They are my favorite event, besides NM.

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

{That's a perfectly respectable response, right? The real Pinkie responded the same way when Twilight first introduced herself.}

On the night of the concert I put on my clothes and clothes and clothes {You know the drill...}. My hair was already straight but I made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my hooves. {Rarity's needle accident implies this is possible.} I read a depressing book about teen human vampires while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some music and put on TONS of makeup, because nopony should ever see my real face. I drank some equine rainbow so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Sombra was waiting there in front of his flying carriage.

"Hi Sombra!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Pinky." he said back. We walked into his flying black chariot (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. {As they are presumably both alicorns, I cannot fathom why they needed a flying chariot.} On the way we listened excitedly to Vinyl Scratch and Octavia. We both smoked cigarettes and salt licks. When we got there, we hopped out of the carriage. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and plonked up and down as we listened to Octavia.

"Octie is so bucking hot," I said to Sombra, pointing to her as she sung, filling the club with her amazing voice. Suddenly Sombra seemed sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. "Hey, it's ok I don't like her better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" said Sombra sensitively and he slipped his front leg around me all protective.

"Really," I said. "Besides, I don't even know Octavia and she's going out with a bucking cello." I said disgustedly, thinking of its ugly wooden face.

{Yes, they moshed to Octavia's music, and I may have just inadvertently spawned OctaviaXCello shipping.}

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Sombra. After the concert, we drank some cider and asked Octavia and Segway Colt for their autographs and photos with them. We got GGG concert tees. Sombra and I crawled back into the chariot, but Sombra didn't go back into the school, instead he drove into …. … … … … … …. … … …. … …. …. the Everfree Forest!

"Sombra!" I shouted. "What the buck do you think you're doing?"

Sombra didn't answer but he stopped the flying chariot and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. "What the bucking Tartarus?" I asked angrily.

"Pinky?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Sombra leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts, because his eyes are usually green) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then … … … … … suddenly just as I Sombra kissed me passionately. Sombra climbed on top of me and […]

The County Commission of Crappy Clop has confiscated this consensual content.

[…] my pale body became all warm. And then...

"WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERBUCKERS!"

It was … … … … …. … … … … …. … … … … …. Princess Celestia!

I misspelled that "motherbuckets." I didn't realize containers could reproduce. Now I don't have to buy new ones from the store anymore!

IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

No, seriously, I don't know how often I will update this fic, but if it becomes popular I may have to start putting some work into it! Until then, peace off. BOOP!