Aww, no abusive comments from Iron Lad? Come on, man, don't let us down like that! You always make things so entertaining!
Applejack, fashionista extraordinaire, gave us free clothes and offered to help with makeup. Meanwhile, Flutehsy continued to yell. "You need to get back to the castle!" she shooted angrily. Then she loaded another clip and shooted angrily some more.
"What the buck, Fluteshy?" I snapped. "I'm gong to the concernt, not back to dat sucky castle. Buck off!" She stormed off as Willow trotted inside.
Willow checked me out. "You look totally kawaii," she said in a high-pitched anime girl voice.
"Thanks," I said, blushing but not in that way cause I'm not attracted to her, you sick perv. "But I'm not as kawaii as you are." I thought of her short black saddle-thing with the blood red lace, and her black blood-red miniskirt and leather fishnets, and how beautifully they fit over her figure. Her perfect figure, save for the messy gash and marks from when she'd been murdered and desecrated, and the rotting head from when she'd come back to life as a zombie.
"So," she said, while eating some brains out of a bowl, "you going to that concert with Sombra?"
"Yep," I answered happily, my eyes looking like ^ symbols.
Now it was her turn to blush, although it was difficult with her lack of blood. "I'm going with Diabola," she said with a big grin. "She's so hawt. No homo."
That made perfect sense to me of course. Our dates arrived shortly thereafter and we agreed they were sexy enough for 4chan pervs to fantasize about. B'looody Mare popped into the room as well and introduced her coltfriend, Dracola. Dracola used to be called Soarn until he learned that he was kidnapped at birth from his vampyre parents after they died in a hot-air balloon crash. Suicidally.
Eventually, Sombra showed up with Dracola (who had a black mane with red streaks) and Diabola (whose eyes were straight now, but her ears were crooked). We all got into his chariot via dimensional rifts and took illicit drugs on the way to the concert, except Willow who was gnawing on somepony's limbs.
By the time we reached the concert, I was so high I could swear I was seeing a "Return to Battlefield" warning. I admired the band members as they played their instruments, and the beautiful goffic shoes that other ponies threw at them. Suddenly, Vinyl Scratch's eyes flashed red (they were normally blue) and the partygoers gasped in horror as she and her band seized their own faces and pulled, peeling back vinyl (geddit) masks and revealing... … … … … … … … … … … Disconr and da Chonglongs!
"Thou moronic idiots," he shooted angstily. I could only whimper and hyperventilate as he reached for me, picked me up in a compromising position, and growled in my face. "Pimpie, thou hath failed! I toldest thou to kill Vampire. Now, join me, Pie." He pulled me in closer. "And I shall maketh thy face the greatest in Equestria." I felt his eyes bore holes through mine. "Or else thou shalt die!"
Hopeless, that's how it felt. There could be no more happiness as I contemplated life as either a personal slave of Discorn or a corpse. Life as a corpse was the most depressing thought I had ever had, even more depressing than slitting ma hoof over the tragic death of my loved ones in a freak hot-air balloon accident during a memorial for my parents who starved to death when the parasprites ruined their rock farm by eating all the rocks to commit suicide. We all eat rocks, by the way. They're tasty with a bit of ketchup or dunked in milk. Except it has to be fresh milk. But you can't get fresh rocks unless you live by the volcano.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Discord grinned evilly at me and licked his lips, and I knew that either he was going to eat me alive, or he wanted some pizza. Suddenly, he was knocked back by a powerful hex, causing him to drop me onto the stage where I started to sing "Rainbow Factory" by WoodenToaster. Powerful hooves beat him to the floor, and his reign of darkness gave way to the glorious light of Princess Celestia in her black robe and flowing black mane.
Given a chance to escape at last, the crowd fled, raising a panicked riot. I picked up Sombra, spread my wings, and began to fly back to the castle as Celestia ate Discord's pizza. Safely inside, I spread something other than my wings, and the next day I woke up in my coffin.
The coffin was sitting upright so I walked out of it, and put on more goffy clothes that you preps probally don't care about. My stomach rumbled like... like some kind of rumbling, and I decided it was time for breakfast.
When I got to Great Hal, he showed me the walls and tables he painted black, but I wasn't fooled. "WTB!" I shouted as I scratched off a flake of black paint to reveal the pink underneath. I went happily over to B'loody Mare and Willow. Willow was wearing a gothic blak dress that went up to your tail, and we talked about who was sexier – WoodenToaster or BronyDanceParty. Sombra and Dracola showed up and joined in the fun since they were bi.
"Those guys are pretty bucking hot," agreed Soaring, when suddenly a goffic mare with a black mane and everything came (eww not in that way). I realized she was the same one who had chasted away Discorn and taken his pizza. It was... … … … … … … … … Celestria!
"WTB?" I shouted angrily. "I thought she just had the black mane to scare Disdord!"
"Hello, everyone," she said with a grin much too wide. "What do you think of the makeover I've given the place?"
The posers in the school all cheered, but my goff army just facepalmed in disfust. "By the way," added the mare, "you can all call me Molestia now. I changed my name to make it more disturbingly sexualized to match the rest of this fanfiction." Then she pronked sexily out of the room.
"What a bucking poser," spat Sombra sadly as we left for the bathroom for Transformation class. I held hooves with him, much to the disgust of Shining who was crying a rainbow fountain.
"I'll bet she's having a mid-life crisis," said Willow, rolling her eyes. "She's been around 1000 years anyhow, and alicorns live for 2000."
"Yeah," I agreed. "That's totally canon now." I was so bucking angry.
Now I feel stupid. A willow is a type of tree. Fluttershy should've been Willow.
Oh well. Should you happen to be really desperate for entertainment, I've started another YouTube channel for doing Let's Plays, SomeMoronicGaming. The first videos are probably pretty boring, but there will be more! Hopefully less boring! And with better sound quality since I got a new mic since the last recording! Don't abuse exclamation points!