I loved you. And I loved Chase.

A/N – Hey! This is my first House M.D. story, I hope you'll like it! I'm German so forgive me, if there are a few mistakes with the grammar ;)

I don't own House M.D. or the characters!

Hope you enjoy!

…...

"You poisoned them, just like you poisoned Chase."

The words hurt. You may not see it, but saying this, realizing that I am 100% right this time, in my own kind of way, hurts me a lot more than words could express. I feel my view getting blurry, but I don't want to cry, not in front of you. In fact, I couldn't bear it; To know you think I'm weak, irrational, vulnerable. But sometimes I am all this stuff, sometimes I feel weak, irrational and vulnerable. Yeah, you do, too, but you never show it. Glad, I'm not you...

I want to ask you if you hate me but I know it doesn't matter anymore. Because I hate myself enough. Hating myself for having loved you back then, hating myself for now standing in front of you with these thousands of thoughts in my head and they're all just screaming: Why did you do this to me and Chase?

"Your husband killed a patient. And you're breaking up with me?", your irony makes me go insane, it makes me so angry. But what can I do – that's who you are and who you'll always be. Breaking up – Robert's face appears in front of my inner eye but I banish the thought right away. Him being hurt is something totally irrelevant to this conversation, since you don't even care.

I take a deep breath and look into your eyes, try to hold the eye contact.

"You ruined him.", the words come out of my mouth rapidly, but still I know they're sophisticated. "So he can't even see right from wrong. He can't even see the sanctity of a human life anymore."

My voice sounds disappointed, and hell – this is what I am. Disappointed by you, by him, but mostly disappointed by how wrong I were about the both of you.

My body relaxes, it's all just a matter of time until my mind totally shuts down, there are too many thoughts.

"I loved you. And I loved Chase.", I mention his names and the tears I've tried to deny for so long come up, they feel like a liquid form of my feelings that now turns into poison. My bleeding heart just tries to get rid of it. Rid of that situation and these feelings that have destroyed me for too long. Despite that, I still see you looking at me, the way you always do.

"I'm sorry for you both. For what you've become, because-", I want to add but my voice has finally reached its breaking point, the words mix with a sad sound that breaks my heart, the way I secretly hope it would also breaks yours. I exhale to finish my sentence, try to control myself in all the self pity.

"There's no way back for either of you." It's a pure torture that weakens my legs and shortens my breath. A relieving sob pushes out my whole breath that seemed to be caught in my body just as the tears did. You still look at me and I swear that in that moment, I saw a little bit of shame. But my heart's unable to function, my brain can't process the unbearable look of yours anymore. I try to let go and put out my hand, it's shaking. You can't really see it but my whole body shivers inside, my breathing gets harder. You look at me – your blue eyes are still cold, so cold it hurts me and crosses my entire body whilst I'm just looking up to you. What am I wanting? A sorry? A goodbye? I just keep standing there, watching you watching me. Another sob slips from my grasp, my eyes burn down with the tears. You don't take my hand, you observe me, you pierce me with your look and I just let my hand fall down, giving up, while you stand there in silence. I loved you. And I loved Chase. The words are burned into my brain and they seem to cross my whole body with my bloodstream. Fact is; I loved you. And I loved Chase. And plus, I'm sorry that you two have to live with the shame of being so messed up. My whole system feels empty while my thoughts keep filling it with pain. I'm unfixable, messed up myself but I didn't change because you wanted me to. I wanted to be like you more often than I want to admit but now I realize that you're the last person I want to be. And yet, I can't let go – I think of you and I think of Chase and I know that I loved the both of you. Rapidly, I take a step forward and take another breath, the holding-back-tears made it hard to breath for me but it's still enough to give you that one last kiss you deserve. You'll never have someone loving you like I do right now, and same counts for Chase. I kiss your cheek and turn around, leave the room as fast as I can, while you're probably staring at me with a confused and derogatory look on your face. Your cane makes a noise as you pick it up, but I've already left . Actually, I still hear some of your steps behind me but then they stop; Just as Chase stopped being who he really was, just as you let me walk out of the room two seconds ago without saying a word. And I just walk and walk and walk, knowing that this needs to end, this horrible nightmare needs to end and there's just one way of getting this done – finally waking up.

He's looking out of the window, he's feeling down – his poise speaks volumes. I enter the living-room, trying to wipe these tears, but they just won't stop. It's not about you. I want to say to him, because it really isn't about him. Yes, he did kill this man. But it wasn't his fault. He wouldn't have done this if it wasn't about you. He's a good guy and maybe deep down you're a good guy, too. I walk by and he slowly turns around, a look of depression and sadness, but also a big look of blame against me and himself show up on his face. After all, I must look horrible but I don't care where my make up has gone, I don't care if my eyes turned red. It's just me and him and the thought of how you ruined the happiness I could've had, the happiness we, me and him, both would've deserved after all we'd gone through. "I can't.", I've repeated a hundred times while I was packing my things, while he looked at me and asked me what I was doing. It formed a mantra I told, because I really can't do this anymore. "I can't.", I yelled again and again, looking at him while the tears in my eyes flooded my whole mind with emptiness. Shortly, I told him that I was at your office and then he left, waited for me in the living-room, where right now, I'm standing in front of him. Looking in those green bluish eyes, hoping they could forgive me one day, just the way I forgive him for killing that man.

My muscles weaken as I look at his broken face and I let go off my suitcase, take a step forward and hug him. He's still sitting there, behaving like a statue, frozen, empty and hurt. With one last sob, I let go off him and look him in the eye, taking his hand for the very last time. I loved you. And I loved Chase. As a matter of fact, I'll always love the both of you. Certainly, I'll never get over you and Chase, certainly this evening will always leave a little stitch in my heart, just as my "I can't"- mantra that's turned into a heartbreaking sobbing, will leave a thousand stitches in his'. My body tenses and I look at him, his face trying to tell me he forgives me but yet showing I hurt him much more than he deserves. I turn around because I can't bear the view anymore. All that's left is him; The great guy who's fallen all over the place just because of you. Now, I still feel this nightmare every day, this look on his face that's showing every little thing I've been searching in you, and every little thing I've actually found in him. I walk through the corridor, having my suitcases and my bags with me and I know I'll be walking into a new life, dropping all the things I've had before. And while I walk out the door I already miss his touch, this bittersweet love I had after all and I still hate myself for loving you - but for now that's all I can do. Because indeed, I may be as broken as the two of you are – but at least I can save myself from your spell.