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Warning: This story may offend some people, it contains a lot of casual swearing.

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This story just came to me recently and I wanted to experiment in a different writing style that strongly reflects the central character. You will notice there are made up words, and intentional spelling mistakes - this is because Phoenix the Ash pronounces words this way. But if you do come across something that's a little bit far-fetched then review or pm me :) I'm more than happy to give more clarity.

Chapter bloody One: I friggin get caught

Well the world, I'm telling you, it ain't what it used to be. It ain't green (unless you count that green sludge in the ol' Thames) and it ain't all clear sunny skies and the likes either. Nah. It's a real shit hole. But I bet it prolly don't even smell that good.

But today the world was being a right dog's mother to me. I was cuffed painfully tight, my magic gone, and waiting for the two Irish Sanctuary dicks to stop shouting at each other over me. It'd be going on for a minute now and I'd finally had it up to here with their yakking, so I told them to shut the fuck up.

I got a shoe in the ribs for my effort and I keeled pathetically to my side.

Well that's fucking gracious, I began thinking bitterly, just kick out my liver why don't ya? It's just a bastard of an organ anyways, always acting up and shit. Don't really need it to fuckin live or anything.

They're still yelling. The skeleton dude's arguing bout some sort of blown up Bentley.

I blew up a Bentley once. I regret it. I like nostalgic crap as much as the next antique dealer. Not. Still, it was a pretty car.

Aw shit. It was his car.

He's telling me I'll be lucky to even have a trial. He ain't got no face skin, but I reckon if he did he'd be livid.

The woman urges me to my feet, grabbing my cuffs and twisting them painfully. At least she apologises bout the rough treating. I give her a jerk of the chin to say it didn't bother me in the least. She seemed cool with the response, told me that the bone dude would calm down in a bit.

I get lead to an old black jag, and get pushed inside.

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I can't tell if the Grand Mage guy is happy or angry to see me caught, but his beakish face is flashing red and white like an Ambo siren light. He's talking really fast to the detective, Skulduggery, now that I know his name, and the chick detective, Valkyrie. It all seems so important so I tune out. Then the quite guy with the scars turns to me.

"Why did you supply all those explosives to Venom," he asked me darkly, glaring under that cliff of a brow of his.

I shrugged. "I just make 'em. What they're used for is not my doing, nor do I really care."

"You do understand that there is a war going on," Valkyrie gal says, staring at me all concerned-like.

"'Course I do," I snap at them, "would you think I'd be making much business if there weren't?"

I get thrown in jail.

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Some hours later the door to my cell opens and Valkyrie steps in all cleaned up after our little scuffle when they took me down. I still had shit all over me. Hell, I had dirt on my dirt. Someone could prolly sow a row of seeds and grow a garden off me I was that covered in muck.

"Hey," she says, almost kindly, but cautiously. She's looking round the cell as if there's so much to see.

"S'up."

"So, you're a bomb monger?"

"Yeah. So?"

"That's a dangerous job for someone your age," she saying.

I snort. "I ain't a kid."

"You look, what, twenty-two."

"Nineteen. It's the mileage."

"Ah," she looked me up and dark with her pretty dark eyes. "The council tells me that they'll consider your release if you're willing to reveal certain locations and information."

I'm frowning. "You want me to, what, tell you stuff that'll have me killed the moment I step out of here?" I snort loudly. "Fuck off."

Valkyrie wrinkled her nose. "You're not a very polite person are you?"

"It's the wild in me," I says matter-of-factly. I was glad she was offended by my way of sprekkening. Made me think I was doin something right.

Skulduggery storms in. I don't even move as he storms towards me, his boots threatening to lunge at my face as I calmly look upit him.

"What?"

"I very much liked my Bentley," he says coldly and I shrug.

"Ditto. Don't see 'em much round now-a-days. But it's war, dude, if you ain't noticed it doesn't really care what goes up in flames. Men, women, kiddies, BANG! All gone. If ya crying over a car then you ain't got much a soul."

He sighs real heavy like and glances at Valkyrie who nods. "Right," he turns back to me. "So what is going to be, Phoenix the Ash? Help and maybe you live to see the end of the war, or hinder us and stay here to see the end of the war behind bars."

"Tch," I spat on the floor in front of his shoe. "If I didn't need ta spread my wings daily I'd give no second thought on your offer of death."

I got no reply from the skeleton who left as quick as he had arrived, Valkyrie seemed to look at me and sigh. Closing the cell door.

Inspired somewhat by Clockwork Orange :D

And yup, Phoenix the Ash is a total asshole. I aim to annoy ;P

Please review with your thoughts! Cheers guys! :D