I never really knew what brought all of this on. It could have been a great deal of things, from that day that I chose to mainstream, to the day I was changed. It could have been the day I was born or even the day that the world was created. All I could tell you now is that, in some part of me, I wish I was still a human and I still had a chance at a somewhat normal life. True, I would never be the peasant kind of normal, as a Queen to Amenhotep but sometimes I couldn't help but think it would have been an easier life.
There wouldn't have been vampires, or shape shifters. If I was still Queen to Amenhotep I would only have to worry about human things. As a human I could be lost, imperfect and forgotten. Yes, as a human no one would notice me. I could have faded into the background next to Amenhotep, no one looked at the Queen really. But that was a dream that could never come true for me.
Now, as I sat in my room at Charlie's house, looking out the window I thought about all of it, my entire life. I had almost nothing to show for it. What had I really accomplished? Bella had even accomplished more than me, she had a loving father and mother and two men fighting over her. What did I have? A history?
Bella had just come in from her allotted time with Edward. She had to be back inside the house at four, per her arrangement with Charlie. I thought that it was a smidgen of extreme, but given the fact that I could leave anytime I want, and for whatever reason I wanted, made me a little less sympathetic. And the fact that it was Edward she was with didn't make me feel any better.
I glanced away from the view of the window and to the rings on my fingers. Speaking of mates and restrictions, Jasper wasn't banned from the house. He could come and go as he pleases, but that was merely because I hadn't become a zombie when he left, or so Charlie thinks. I believe that Jasper had used his gift to change Charlie's mind, but there wasn't anything I could do about it, because Charlie liked Jasper. He liked Alice to, and she came over a lot.
Jasper though, kept to himself most of the time, and came over only twice a week. I knew it was a tactic he was using to get me to forgive him. When Jasper did come over he was bonding with Bella and Charlie, and giving me small gifts. He'd gifted me with a necklace, a rose, and a journal. I loved every one of the gifts. I was wearing the necklace, a beautiful silver strand with a golden heart at the end. It opened up to show one of the pictures that had been taken before the incident. It was me laughing with him, and Jasper looking at me fondly.
Jasper was very good at making me forgive him. But. I was still resisting him with everything I had. It wasn't out of spite, or because I hated him. It was because I loved him so much. I was so afraid that if I handed my heart back over, he would crush it. I wouldn't live through it if he did it again. I just couldn't.
"Belle." I turned around to see Bella standing there. Things had been a bit strained between us ever since she brought Edward back. She knew that I didn't like Edward, and I hadn't from the start. I understood, and she thought I didn't, but I still couldn't forgive him for what he had done to her. To see her so broken, and crushed, it was something I didn't want to have to live through, ever again.
"Hey, Bella. How was your day? Did you say yes yet?" I tried to make it energetic, tried to make it nice and fluffy but it wasn't. I just couldn't manage it any more. I felt as if I was in a constant state of depression. I should be better, Jasper was here again. It apparently didn't matter if he was just here, I was still losing weight, and I hadn't feed, despite the multiple tries of the Cullen's, Bella, and even myself. I just couldn't find the energy to. I didn't want to feed off of anything now.
"No." Bella said, coming inside and flopping down onto her bed. "He's come up with a 'compromise' he says. He'll change me, if I marry him." I cringed and got up from my desk chair, shutting off my computer, which had been on my Google homepage for a long time. I didn't want to voluntarily listen to her speak about Edward, and the marrying question. It made me sick to think that Bella was in love with Edward, who had broken her heart so badly. I was happy that she, at the very least, hadn't said yes to his proposal, because he was spoiled. She gave him everything he asked for, and for this one time she hadn't.
I wasn't trying to fool myself, I knew it would be only a short time before Bella agreed to marry him, if not her happiness, for his. Bella had never liked marriage, and I tended not to agree. Just because I hadn't liked my marriage with Amenhotep, and Jasper and I's marriage had yet to just take off, didn't mean that I didn't know marriage could be a loving bond. I'd seen old couples on the street, so in love that if I couldn't see their age before me, I would believe them to be love struck teenagers. That's how I wanted Jasper and I to be, but sadly it seemed as if it wasn't going to happen. Our marriage hadn't been right for more than a day before my happiness had been destroyed, plus Jasper never aged, and my own aging was only an illusion. So there was still a chance, if I could allow it.
"Hmmm…" I picked up one of my books and analyzed Bella. She was different…I don't know how to say it but she just was. I think all of this was finally getting to her. I'm not sure. I can never be sure with Bella.
It might be that the wolves won't talk to Bella. Jacob won't come near her, and I knew why. I couldn't blame him. With the way she broke it to him that she didn't love him that way, I could honestly say that even I was heartbroken for him. I'd said it before that I wished that she would have chosen Jacob, but either way I didn't like it. When she is with Edward, she's with someone who has already hurt her before, and if she were to get with Jacob, she'd only end up like Sam, Emily, and Leah. I didn't know what to do, so I could only sit back and watch.
I wasn't even allowed on to the reservation land. It wasn't spoken, like it was with Bella, more as it was unspoken. They felt like they couldn't talk about the Cullen family without hurting my feelings and I was often left out of discussions in fear that I would go tell the Cullens. It only made my feelings hurt, and then I'd run to Jasper. Just because he made me feel better.
"Charlie says that I'm ungrounded, as long as I spend time with my other friends." Bella told me, interrupting my contemplation. I was doing that a lot, thinking without thinking, if that makes sense. I believe it is a side effect.
"And by other friends he means Jacob." I told her, looking at her. She looked great, much better than without Edward. She'd gained back any weight she'd loss and the bags under her eyes were gone. It's probably because she slept now. I wouldn't know. She didn't sleep with me anymore; she slept in her bed with Edward looking over her. I thought it was rather creepy but... "Maybe if Edward wasn't with such a control freak, you wouldn't have this problem." I muttered, mussing my hair.
"Belle. Edward is in my life." Bella got up, standing in front of me. My facial expression didn't change, I wasn't impressed. "You, and Charlie, and everyone else, need to realize that. He's back, and he apologized." Bella told me, running her fingers through her hair in aggravation. He may have apologized, but words will only ever go so far with me.
"I've told you before Bella, vampires can hold grudges for a long time." I told her, slowly. "And you'll find that Edward's nature is to control you. Jasper, the paranoid vampire he is, even lets me go to see the wolves." I told her and I sighed, tossing the book from my limp hand. "I've realized that Edward is in your life, and I understand. You need to understand that no matter what you say, I can't just magically forgive him for hurting my baby sister." I walked away, shaking my hair and plopping down the stairs. Bella didn't follow me, but I was glad she didn't.
Like I said, we weren't getting along. I wasn't getting along with anyone right about now. Paul and I…we weren't talking anymore. We didn't have an excuse to talk to each other. I didn't come on to the reservation, because I felt unwanted, and Paul didn't come over because he hated the Cullens. It hurt a little to lose Paul. I had gotten so close, and he'd helped me without even realizing. I just hope that I've helped him; after all he was always calmer when I was there.
At least I never led him on, like Bella did to Jacob. I would never be that harsh, no matter how much I miss Paul. I wasn't stupid either. Paul may have been infatuated, and I may have liked him, had I never met Jasper, but I was never going to really be the one for him. It would have just been heart ache for the both of us. I know it.
Grabbing my coat, and shouting a halfhearted goodbye to Charlie I got into my car, fixed from all of the werewolf kind of accidents, I drove off. I wasn't going to the reservation, or to the Cullen house. Instead I was going somewhere I'd found I was going to a lot more lately.
I hadn't been here since Jasper had been with me. But it was nice to come here, to watch the little fish swim around. Sometimes, if it had rained a great deal the pond would overflow enough to make a waterfall over the side of the cliff. It was a beautiful place.
And every time I was here, sooner or later, Jasper would appear. As I sat, my legs over the side of the cliff, and my eyes cast up towards the sky, which was steadily becoming darker, I realized that most of the time, that's what I came for. I came to relish Jasper's presence. Any other time, there was always someone else around us, and I had to set lines. Here, I didn't have to. It was just us. Most of the time we didn't speak, we didn't even look at each other. I wanted him to know I was still mad at him but here on this cliff I was happy to sit next to him, to get enough of him that I could continue to be righteously angry.
I realized vaguely, as night time fell across the sky, that today would be one of the laters, not the sooners. And he did come, eventually when the stars were peeking out in the dark, not held back by the lights of humans.
He was gorgeous. As always but even more so. Halfheartedly I suspect it was one of his strategies to woo me. He had changed his clothes, to dark tones, to match his white skin and golden eyes. He looked at me so piercingly, like every bit of me was within his sight just from that one look. It made me speechless, and trapped my eyes from moving when my own golden eyes connected with his.
But what really got me, besides him being Jasper, was that he'd changed his hair. It was breath taking. I knew that I had a thing for his hair before, but now every time I saw his hair I felt like I would take him right then, it didn't matter where we were. It could be here at this cliff or in the school yard when I go to school. Legally, it turns out, I cannot graduate early. So I have to do office work and library work for the school year, until this last semester is through. Then I get to walk down the 'aisle' with everyone else. I know I was a little sad but oh well.
Jasper's hair though…I was staring at it, right now. It was beautiful the way it laid on his head. Perfect, even more so than before when I first met him. I was almost positive that he'd changed it in an attempt to get back together with me. He never stopped, but I did love him, and I missed him every second of the day. I guess that it was almost the principal of not forgiving him that I was clutching on to now. Jasper had hurt me, and I was loath to give someone that opportunity again.
Jasper hadn't talked about what I told him, with Amenhotep. I regretted telling him ever since I had calmed down. I knew it had made him feel worse about what happened, and that was not what I want him to understand from this.
"Belle." So it would be a talking one tonight.
"Jasper…" I whispered, as he dropped to sit beside me. In his expensive looking black jeans, I was tempted to believe that Alice had taken to clothing him. That wouldn't be a surprise either. She was hot on the train of getting us back together. She brought it up every time Jasper and I were in the same room. It embarrassed me greatly.
"I heard that Edward and Bella had a fight." Jasper told me, also looking at the stars, like I had been before he had come into my line of sight. I eyed him for a second more, taking in the way the direct moonlight made his skin sparkle, lightly as it was not the sun. It was weird how that happened. It wasn't every night, and Lord knows most of the nights in Forks weren't half this clear, but it was hard. I'd gone so long without touching him.
It was hard not to touch him. I knew he could feel my emotions, and I bottled them up but when he was gone, later, I would think of how hard it was too not touch him, of how much I was reminded of that one night I had with him, and how much that one night had me begging for more. Jasper was more than just beautiful and I can't help but remember that.
"What for?" I asked him, lying down on my back, so I did not have to strain my neck. I didn't want to be a vampire at the moment. I didn't want to sparkle in the moon light and match Jasper. We weren't matching, just yet. If he kept this up, this steady gorgeousness, and the flowers, and the gifts, I won't be able to resist much longer.
"Apparently Edward disabled her spark plugs, so that she couldn't visit Jacob." Jasper's voice was so quiet, and he looked down at me. Our eyes met again and my lips parted in the desire to kiss him. I wouldn't though.
"Why would he do that?" I murmured to myself. "He's much to controlling." I said, sighing when Jasper continued to stare at me before he moved to lie beside me. I felt his cool arm brush against mine and I paused in my breathing as a flash of something sparked up my arm. It was just the mating call again. I sighed.
"Edward is only trying to look after her, even if he is doing it the wrong way." Jasper silently agreed. I looked sideways at him, without moving my head.
"I think it's only hindering him. She will only get more and more frustrated with him the more he holds her back." I looked to the sky, trying to find the stars that I had memorized. I loved astronomy. I had since I was a Pharaoh. We Egyptians believed a lot of the stars. We were also very gifted when it came to the stars. It was something that we taught our people as well, our commoners. Or did teach anyways.
"Do you ever miss the old days? From before you were changed?" I asked Jasper, turning my head to look at him. He was silent for a minute, no doubt confused as to my mood. I wasn't going to lie, I felt sad…maybe a little depressed.
"Yes…and no." Jasper told me. I set my head up on my hand. "Back in my time…well you know, you were there." Jasper turned to look at me and his eyebrows crinkled in thought. I grinned at him.
"Yeah, I was, but that doesn't answer my question." I told him.
"I miss the simple life, where I didn't have to worry about things such as technology. If everything had stayed the same as when I was living, I could have done more things than just go to high school all the time. Back then, we didn't go to school at this age, we helped on the farm. I could have been something other than a farmer, or a rancher." So he was a farmer. It doesn't surprise me. There were a lot of farmers. They weren't necessarily doing well but, I guess that was better than nothing. I'd rather him and his family had been farmers. Well, until the war broke out I suppose.
"I wasn't a farmer then. I was a merchant in a little town. I enjoyed working there. I was a woman, but I told people that I was a widower, and that my son, and husband had been killed by red coats. They were very attached to me when I told them that, so they let go of the fact I was a working woman." I told Jasper, absentmindedly. I could remember it semi-well. I had liked those humans. Especially when my 'store' had been attacked by red coats because I harbored the enemy as it was.
"Where were you?" Jasper asked me. I caught his eyes this time, and smiled at him, hesitantly. "I was in Houston, Texas." Jasper offered, probably trying to coax it out of me.
"I was in California, it was just a small town there, though now I can't imagine it as most of the places in California are rather large. It didn't have a name yet, when I left it. I was one of the first to settle there." I told him, and I flopped back down. It was quiet for a long time again before anything happened. Jasper and I continued to look at the stars.
Until I got a text message from Bella, telling me that Charlie wanted me home tonight. I was known to stay out late, but Charlie didn't say anything, only having Bella tell me when to come home. He was much too lenient on me sometimes. Although, I find it quite hilarious that as old as I am, I've mastered texting and Charlie has not. I guess it is simply because I have learned to adapt.
Life goes on; as it has these last few whenevers since the Cullen family has come back. People at school were completely dumb founded. Bella and I were graduating this year and there was a bunch of hype about it. I was in the office helping them, but really they didn't have much to do so I ended up replacing Ms. What's her face, who was playing solitaire the first day that Bella and I moved here. It was much the same. I played solitary except on the days where I brought my own laptop and then I played Sims, which was fun for so long before I grew bored with finding ways to kill off families.
It was at lunch that Alice announced something.
I didn't have lunch with Bella, and the Cullens, but because I had no real classes the office people looked the other way. They had seen my temper at work, once before. A kid had come in blathering on and on about how his absence was excused. After the seventh time I'd told him that I couldn't do anything about it I had stood up and screamed at him to either get an excuse or leave. In less polite words I suppose.
It had amazed me at the speed that Jasper had showed up to comfort me. I knew he had a class with Alice, and she had probably seen it coming. Jasper and I had spent an entire block talking, getting to know more and more about our past. I've told Jasper a lot of things, keeping it light though. I didn't want to give too much about my real personal life. I didn't want to scare him away…is that selfish of me, to want to keep him close, but not to give him all of me?
He consumed most of my thoughts now, and it was slowly getting worse. A side effect of living with him in reach, but without him at the same time I think. I wasn't sure though. I was sure that I was tired of living without him. I'd forgive him soon. He has long sense learnt his lesson, and paid the price for breaking my heart. I didn't want it to be stupid though. I didn't want to just forgive him.
I wanted to show him that none of his gifts, or his comfort had gone to waste and I did want to love him, really for all of eternity. I just…I didn't know how. I think that's what this was about. I was scared to love Jasper. I've never loved anyone before and never this much at once for one person. It was like heaven was being waved in my face but all of my insecurities were trying to drag me down from reaching it.
As it is now I sat with Edward and Bella as we sat with Angela, Eric, Mike, and Jessica. It was normal now for us to sit with them. There were even two seats between Edward and I so that Jasper and Alice could sit with us. It was more so I didn't have to sit next to Edward. The regular table, which we had sat with when Rose and the rest of the Cullens were with us was currently still empty, unused. It felt pretty nice to talk to Angela because for all I couldn't stand to be in Jessica and Mike's presence, Angela was still awesome. Ever since she had asked me about my necklaces I'd had a soft spot for her. Not enough to wish this life upon her, but enough that for Christmas I got her a beautiful, and expensive, necklace from a jeweler that owed me a favor or two.
"All right. Let's see, what we got." Mike started. They were trying to make a speech for Jessica; she was the valedictorian or something. I didn't understand what it was, or what it was supposed to be. All I knew was that you had to do some kind of speech at the graduation ceremony.
"My fellow students, right?" Mike started, with all of us saying good things about it, or more they did. Edward and Bella had just sat down and I was feeling better than I did last night, so I winked at Bella across Edward, turning back to Mike and nibbling on a carrot. "We are the future. Anything is possible, if you just believe." Mike finished.
"Nice." I said, snorting and elbowing Jessica who sat beside me. She had a pad of paper in front of her that she was writing her speech on and Mike had one in front of him, trying to help. Mike flipped it in front of Jessica, nodding.
"Perfect. You got yourself a speech." He said. Jessica tore out the paper still smiling at Mike but I could tell something hilarious was about to happen.
"No, this'll be my speech when I want everyone to throw diplomas at my head." Jessica threw the paper and it hit Mike in the head. "So, thank you." I snorted and leant into Jessica's shoulder when Mike didn't even flinched, only continued to stare at Jessica. It made me giggle into my hand.
"You gotta embrace clichés Jess." Mike finally said.
"They are the bread and butter of all valedictorians." Eric told Jessica from where he sat beside his girlfriend Angela. Angela chuckled.
"And that is why you are not valedictorian." She told Eric, pointing at her sad boyfriend. I grinned and put down my last carrot.
"She speaks the truth." I announced loudly, and Jessica giggled at me.
"Jess doesn't need clichés." Bella interjected. "The speech is going to be epic." She concluded. I grinned at Bella, throwing my carrot at her. She dodged it, pouting at me but I looked back at Jessica when she spoke again.
"Epic? It'll change lives." She sassed Bella. And just then Alice came prancing over with Jasper following at a more human pace. I grinned when Alice plopped down, extremely graceful but for a vampire it was undignified if you will. I had to take a bite of a fry when Jasper sat beside me, another torture of both Alice and Jasper's to get me to forgive him. God, his hair is delicious.
Jasper's body leant towards me, and I knew he felt my appreciation as his eyes looked at me, and then flicked to Alice when she was talking. It was for the best because I was trying my best to hold my wits about me. I've said it before but his hair, his eyes, and his smile made me melt into a radioactive puddle of Belle goo.
"I've decided to throw a party." Alice announced, cutting over anyone who was having a conversation at the table. She was looking at Bella, and I leant forward, to look at Alice in concern. The last party she'd had didn't end up very well. I didn't even get my presents! As if that was the reason I was anxious.
A wave of calm rushed over me as Jasper's back straightened, as if it could. He still sat like a soldier, straight and back. I realized that in leaning closer to Alice I was leaning to close to Jasper and I could smell him. I leant back from him, knowing my eyes to have darkened. I didn't miss the fleeting smile on Jasper's face.
"After all," Jasper spoke. I sighed, inaudible by the humans as Jasper spoke, looking at his two family members. "How many times are we gonna graduate high school?" I think a smile came to all of our faces, the humans not understanding, and Bella not thinking it was funny. No, I suppose it wouldn't be funny to her seeing as how at graduation, if she didn't agree to Edward's compromise, Carlisle or I would change her. She hadn't asked me but whenever someone brought it up her eyes would flick in my direction. She probably wouldn't say anything to me until the day of, just because she was so nervous.
"A party?" Angela asked. I turned to look at all of the humans, and went to answer but Jasper's hand decided to brush against my thigh. It sent a flutter of butterflies to fluttering in my stomach and I slammed my mouth shut. I stared at the wall over Mike's head, trying to hide the blush that took fire to my cheeks but I knew it was inevitable. He hadn't meant to, probably but when I glanced at Jasper my reaction had his eyes black and he too was staring away. Our eyes met when he glanced and he shot me a grin, as everyone was still staring at Alice. "At your place?" Angela grabbed my attention again.
"I've never seen your house." Jessica said. I think they were all a bit in shock. I chuckled and rolled my shoulders a little, trying to rid myself of this tension. I wanted nothing more than to jump Jasper right now, after all it had been a long time since I'd allowed him to even touch me that much. The cliff, that didn't count. Any kind of touch there was kind of…none existent like anything that happened there was a magical thing and was untouchable by the day.
"No one's ever seen their house." Eric told Jessica. They were all defiantly in shock because they were staring at Alice as if she had announced they owned a castle. For all they knew about the Cullens they might actually think they owned a castle. Actually…they might own a castle. I'd ask later.
"Another party Alice?" Edward was not pleased. He was staring at Alice.
"It'll be fun." Alice told Edward and Bella. I snorted, and looked away to hid my incredulousness. After the last parties horrible consequences you'd have thought Alice would have learnt from it.
"Yeah. That's what you said last time." Bella told Alice, eyeing her with a little trepidation. I couldn't blame her. Just then Alice's eyes glazed over and she turned to stare at the table, not saying a word. I turned to the humans.
"Hey, guys what do you say, will you come?" I asked them, grinning. "I swear, it won't be creepy and full of dungeons." I told them, teasing. They all looked at each other.
"I don't know when is it?" Angela asked. I glanced at Alice but her eyes were still glazed. I guess it was up to me to come up with a time.
"It'll be just after graduation, on graduation night." I told them, scouting closer to the table, flickering my eyes for something else even as Alice came out of her daze, meeting Edward's gaze. He'd seen it to, with his mind reading. And if Edward and Alice both looked this worried it could only mean one thing, Victoria.
Or something was going to happen but I figure it's going to be Victoria doing it. It has been for a long time now. She's been hanging around a lot, trying to get in through the vampires and the wolves. I've never gotten a hold of her, though I've made Charlie a little angry staying out late to patrol around for her. I'm just dying to get my hands on her. I want to rip her head from her shoulder for even believing she could hurt my family.
"I can go." Angela told me, smiling and everybody followed her.
"Hey, can I help you with that?" Bella asked to, trying to distract everyone from Alice. They soon got over Alice's weird moment and then it was just a matter of wondering what it was all about. I heard Alice whisper to Jasper and I groaned in defeat. Next I was going to be a library assistant, and Jasper had that with me. I don't know how they managed to get him there but they did. It looked like I wasn't going to be getting any answers unless I talked to Jasper. I don't know if I can look him straight in the face.
I don't know if I've mentioned it lately but the call to mate with Jasper was getting worse. Not just to mate with him, but to be with him. God, I wanted to be with him. I can't. My mind and heart hasn't forgiven him. Every time that I think I'm about to give in I can't do it. I can't forget Bella's broken body, or my heart hurting. It did help though that I also was starting to remember everything that Jasper has done, how much he's told me he loves me.
I startled when the bell rang. I gathered my things, my bag and the trey. I didn't say goodbye to anyone as it was kind of redundant when I would see them tomorrow and I'd only spent lunch with them. Jasper quietly nodded to Alice and Edward before following after me. I smiled at the lunch lady as I slid my trey in, and Jasper followed with his uneaten food.
"So, what was that about?" I whispered to Jasper using the excuse to lean in to him. He looked giddy, well as giddy as Jasper could look when he was surrounded by humans and their ambrosia blood.
"Alice had a vision about Victoria." Jasper said quietly. Our eyes caught and I hurriedly looked away. I was so close to him that I could smell his scent. Together we walked to the library, one of the only big buildings in the place besides the gym. I sighed when the librarian only glared at me. Please. I knew why, she had a thing for Jasper. If she wasn't all over him then she was in the back thinking about him. I couldn't help the way it made my blood boil.
"What happens?" I asked him, dropping my bag down and moving to look for the return cart. Despite the library being one of the only things that the school had going for it, it was also a place most teenagers wouldn't like. Personally I take this time to read or play on my computer, recently bought by Jasper. I think it pleased him that I was using his gifts. I still had his bracelet on my arm, though the rings were currently absent. I'd decided that it was best not to give him that hope yet. I didn't want to do to him what Bella was doing to Jake, and giving him false hope.
"Apparently she's going to be toeing the line between the wolves and us to get to Bella. We don't know much else, because Alice doesn't see the wolves." Jasper told me, following and he leant against the end of the shelves as I replaced a book, Harry Potter's Deathly Hallows. I glanced at him when he went silent and my mouth twitched into a smile as he was staring at me. I held up my next book.
"Can you put this up there?" I asked him, pointing to the top shelf. I wasn't tall enough to reach it and I wasn't going to embarrass myself with trying because God knows what I really need is to fall flat on my face in front of Jasper. When he took the book, brushing our fingers unneededly together, he raised his arms and put it up, sliding it in. My eyes lingered on the muscles I could see in his shirt and he paused, more like freezing. I realized a second to late that he had felt my rise of lust. The book dropped to the ground as he turned and our gazes met.
His eyes were onyx and I felt my own darken and a growl ripped from his throat. One moment he was standing there and the next I was in his strong, cold arms with his delicious lips pressed firmly against mine. I was frozen in shock and Jasper released me, backing away hastily but all I could feel were his lips against mine and my brain wouldn't function right. It felt so right to be in his arms.
I knew my own eyes, if they weren't before, were now a dark color though I was still human. My contacts wouldn't be able to hide the hunger I felt as I looked Jasper up and down as he stood, tense watching me.
"I apologize." Jasper whispered, his voice hoarse and his southern drawl came out particularly slowly. I wanted to gulp and hide my lust but his jaw tightened and I knew I wasn't doing a good job. "It's just…" Jasper muttered and I caught his eyes. "I miss you." He told me softly, taking a step closer to me. I took one back. My head was so full of Jasper that it hurt.
"I….I…can't." My voice broke and my hands fluttered about me. I didn't know what to do any more. Most of me wanted to attack him right then, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because my stupid heart still ached.
"It's an illusion, Belle!"
I shuddered. Jasper looked so heartbroken and he looked away from me but I could see the pain there. I didn't know what to do. Every time I looked at him something kept me back from giving in to him and loving him again.
"I'm sorry, about what I said." Jasper told me, but he still wasn't looking at me. It didn't matter. I could hear the soft broken part of Jasper that I'd created. It hurt me more to know I was still hurting him and some part of me wouldn't let me forgive Jasper. I was so afraid that he would ruin me. "I didn't mean any of it; I just didn't want to be separated from you." Jasper took a step back and I grimaced. I didn't want him to leave on these terms. I just couldn't. Why didn't he understand that?
"Jasper, I-" My voice cut off when he looked at me, his expression closed off so I couldn't tell what he was thinking. I wanted to panic so bad. Jasper never shut his emotions off, not in front of me. He was never like this but his handsome face was blank of all emotion.
"I know I've been an ass for smothering you. I just miss holding you and loving you. I don't mean to pressure you into anything. I got caught up in the emotion for a moment. It won't happen again." Jasper told me and I flinched when he turned and walked away. I was left speechless and I groaned when I heard the slam of the library door. I had done it again. I'd hurt Jasper's feelings. I couldn't keep this up much longer. I don't think I can stop my heart from loving him, and I can't stand to see him in so much pain.
Why couldn't I forgive him?
My back was against the bookshelf and I slid down to the floor, shuttering at all of the memories of my Jasper. I wanted to forgive, and I wanted to hold him but every time I was so close to doing what I desired a part of me always told me not to, the part that remembered that fight. Why couldn't I let go of that time? I didn't know. Nothing was making sense to me anymore. To think that just years before I knew Bella my life was so boring and nonchalant, as if the world was just spinning a long and I was just riding along as if I had nothing to do.
Eventually I rose from my place on the floor and numbly did my library duties until I was let out for the end of school. I couldn't for the life of me pay attention to much as I went to my car and got in. It wouldn't matter I suppose because as I sat in my car, and everyone else chattered on by themselves, completely oblivious to me sitting in my Lamborghini just staring at the steering wheel.
"Belle, we are all leaving."
It hurt. I don't think forgiving him is an option right now. I couldn't get over the memories that sprung up at every turn. I don't know why this is happening now. It didn't happen when he wasn't here and now that he's back it's like I can't look at him without seeing it. I wanted so god fucking badly to forgive him. Excuse my language.
I sighed and started my car. There is no telling the lengths at which Edward would go to so as to keep that vision from Bella. Not that it would matter because Bella barely even talked to me, really. Edward was all she ever thought about any more. I don't know that I could blame her, after all they were mated. Maybe not officially, with a bite, or anything but it all meant something. She obviously can't live without him or him without her.
My hand came off the steering wheel for a second as I brushed the bite on my neck, cupping it where it was at the joint of my neck and shoulder. I could remember Jasper, in the height of passion marking me as his own.
I also remember marking him. He'd dry sobbed, being so happy.
"I finally have a mark I can be proud of."
I looked at the road, my heart sinking. Just remembering that…every moment I've ever had with Jasper, how sweet the man was and how happy he'd been when I didn't care about the scars…How could I not love him?
But how could I not be scared that he'd break me?
I was already so broken. I know that I try to hide it, the parts of me that are broken. When I flinch when Emmett growls, or when Jasper is talking with Alice and I can't keep my eyes off of him. Amenhotep took a lot from me. I'll never be able to forgive his ghost for taking the ability to trust my Major with my heart, of always thinking that something bad was going to happen. And now that it has my heart can't take it because on some weird level, it felt like Jasper was going to pull an Amenhotep on me. No, Jasper would never force me into something. Today was clear enough.
What I knew was at one point I'd been on the edge of loving the man Amenhotep had been, before the power had gone to his head. Before she had gone to his head.
My phone rang and I blinked rapidly, picking it up carelessly.
"If you don't pay attention you'll hit the oncoming eighteen wheeler." Alice's voice muttered to me. I sighed and pulled onto a back road, to avoid said eighteen wheeler. I was still depressed and I slightly didn't even care that I would have hit the trucker. I was so tired, and thirsty. I should hunt soon.
"Thanks Alice." I told her softly, keeping my mind at least half on the road ahead of me.
"Things will get better, Belle. You'll see." Alice, the cryptic little pixie told me. "Edward is taking care of Bella for this weekend. Edward and Bella are going to be going to see her mother. You'll be staying, under the guise of wanting to spend time with Charlie." Alice informed me. I rolled my eyes.
"What, Edward didn't think I might like to see my mother?" I smarmily asked, pulling out back onto the main road and turning left, so that I could get back home. Charlie and Bella would probably be home soon anyways if this was going by anything. I didn't work, like Bella did now at the Newton's but that didn't mean anything tonight. Bella apparently would spend the evening packing for Renee's and I would spend it sulking in my room. Again.
"It was Bella's idea, actually." Alice said, having paused to see how I would take the news.
"Of course she would." I answered. I knew that I wasn't subtle in my hatred for Edward but it didn't matter to me, as long as they knew I wasn't angry at them, meaning the Cullens. None of them had agreed to it. I couldn't fault the Cullen family members who had not agreed to it. And on some part, even though she had agreed, I understood Rosalie's position. But, I was still a little pissed that Edward was determined to point her against me.
"It'll happen tomorrow by the way, in the evening." Alice told me, her voice lightening. I could only guess that someone she didn't want to hear our conversation had stepped into hearing distance. I sighed.
"I'll be there. Have you found anything out about Seattle?" I asked her, pulling into my driveway and turning off my car. Charlie and I parked on the driveway, while Bella parked on the street. I got my bag out of the passenger side, getting up and going inside. They weren't here yet, but I could hear Charlie and Bella down the road. Edward had driven her to school, so her monster was still parked out front.
"I'm monitoring as best I can but there have been no decisions, with us just waiting." Alice seemed frustrated. I don't think she liked her visions being so useless. First she couldn't see around the wolves, and now she couldn't even tell what was going to happen with the newborns down in Seattle.
"Don't worry so much Alice. You'll see it in enough time." I comforted her.
"I hope so." Alice muttered. I heard Bella and Charlie parking. I now stood inside the house, in my room. I combed my fingers through my hair. "He's worried about you, you know that right?" Alice muttered quietly. "We all are." I flinched and looked out the window. I knew who she was speaking of, Jasper. She always spoke of him. I know that to Alice he was like her brother and to see him so hurt was hurting her.
"I know Alice. I just can't force my heart to do something." I told her just as softly. I wondered if the phone even picked it up. "I've got to go, Alice. I'll see you tomorrow." I shut the phone after hearing her own good bye. It was hard to talk to someone about my time with Jasper, but I figure the little pixie who tried to know everything was as good as anyone. Plus, Alice would always keep my best interests at heart even when she was meddling in my love life.
I didn't speak to Bella and Charlie that much. Bella told me she was leaving and with Edward but for the life of me I couldn't find it in me to care. What could I do about it besides complain? If I even tried to make her guilty about not wanting me to go it wouldn't make any sense. It's well known I don't like Renee. I guess I need to start worrying about whether or not people can tell if I hate them. Maybe some other day I can work on getting these emotions in check but for now I'll settle with a little bit less.
Charlie managed to coax me down to eat before I turned in for the night. It didn't cross my mind to really do anything other than to go back upstairs and lie down. It wasn't as if I really wanted to spend time with Charlie. Soon I would have to leave him, because Bella would be changed. He would be looking for her and I don't think I could stand to be near him when he couldn't find her. He'd no doubt blame the Cullens for her leaving, especially if they leave at the same time. They would probably stay around town for a little bit, and then they would leave.
Where did that leave me?
So what do you think about the first chapter?
It's thirteen pages. There are only eleven chapters in this story, but I think it's going to be pretty good. A lot of the chapters are long because I wrote most of them one after the other. The last few chapters are kind of choppy but I like them. Oh well. I hope they are up to your standards.
And maybe you won't be to mad at me about her not forgiving Jasper. I feel she's made the better decision, because betraying Belle like he did just can't be forgiven because she isn't Bella and so she doesn't forgive him like she does Edward.