Author notes:

I do not own Harry Potter.

WARNING. This is even worse than my usual bad writing.

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in Grimmauld Place number 12. They just discovered who is the owner of Slytherin Locket and were trying to came up with idea how to get it.

"That won't work, she uses Floo to get to Ministry and we don't know where she lives." Ron shot down Hermione's idea to attack Umbridge in her home.

"You know what? I think we are going about this wrong way." Said Harry.

"Huh... I thought that we have to get all horcruxes to kill Voldemort. Got any easier way to do that?" Ron asked Harry

"Yes, I think I do. I have a crazy idea that might just work..."

Lord Voldemort was sitting on his throne in Riddle Manor. His loyal forces went after his arch-nemesis Harry Potter, the stupid brat thought he can fool great and invincilble Lord Voldemort by having several people polijuiced as him running around, undoubtedly the brat wanted to sneak into Hogwart Express to join his friends in school, but great Lord Voldemort foresaw that. He had his most loyal and trusted followers impersonating some mudblood children at platform 9 and ¾. They will board express and look for Potter there, he will never suspect that cute thirteen year old girl is Bellatrix Lastrange! To be sure that Potter allies impersonating him also die Lord Voldemort sent all his followers to find and kill them thus he was alone when white owl flew to him and dropped envelope into his lap.

Lord Voldemort was curious, no one has ever sent him any mail, was it letter from Potter begging for quick death? Maybe stupid brat wanted to become pen pals with him? Lord Voldemort scanned envelope but he didn't find any traces of magic, it was plain normal letter. He opened it only to read single line: "Come to the window". It had to be Potter, did he came to his secret stronghold to challenge him, the great Lord Voldemort to the duel to death? Lord Voldemort decided to appease the boy before he kills him and went to the window only to see empty lawn outside.

"Huh... I wonder what he wa"

At this moment head of the great Lord Voldemort exploded.

Half a mile away Harry Potter has stood up and started running towards now visible Riddle Manor, Hermione was right behind him. When he approached doors he took out shotgun and prepared to shot the lock before Hermione stopped him.

"Harry, wait..." She simply pushed the handle and door opened. "Wizards, remember?"

Harry saw no one so he entered, Hermione cast Homenum Revelio charm behind him.

"We are alone."

They have went to room in which person shot by Harry should be.

Lord Voldemort was puzzled, he was watching his now dead body fall to the ground. There were no traces of magical attack, only small hole in window. The great Lord Voldemort knew no spells that could cause small such hole and later kill him. His musing was interrupted when two people entered the room, he immediately recognized his Nemesis Harry Potter, that brat was carrying some sort of huge metal wand, or was it a club? Voldemort didn't know. With Potter was his pet mudblood Herman (wasn't that male's name?) Gringer or something like that, she on the other hand was carrying something on her back, that object had long white hose coming out of it, Gringer did something and that thing started to hum. Then she pointed the hose at Lord Voldemort, he wanted to tell the foolish girl that he is great Lord Voldemort, an immortal powerful Dark Lord, mudblood like her stood no chance against his magical power. Unfortunately he couldn't do that because the hose aimed at him sucked him inside some dark place. He tried to leave but all roads of escape were closed. The great Lord Voldemort was trapped.

Time: 5 minutes to Voldemort's death.

Harry was lying on grass near place where Riddle Manor should be, it was easy to guess it's Fidelius protected location as he could see road from gates cutting abruptly near top of the hill. He also saw someone on thermal camera mounted to his .50cal sniper rifle, said someone was now sitting.

The Fidelius charm, most efficient way to hide things was unfortunately (or fortunately in this case) overcomplicated failure. The charm didn't create any kind of mystical place accessed only by those who knew the secret, it merely made things invisible to people who didn't know it. True, it also prevented those who weren't secret keepers to inform people about exact address or location name, but it didn't prevent from saying 'Order Headquarters are between 11 and 13 Grimmauld Place' or saying 'Lord Voldemort's secret headquarter is located on top of the hill outside Little Hangleton'. Second part of the failure was fact that the charm didn't provide any protection at all, Harry could drive bulldozer through Riddle's Manor, he didn't need to see it to do that, he could drop Tomahawk Missile (which was Plan B in case Voldemort survived that) on the Manor, he could bomb it, torch it or riddle (no pun intended) it with bullets from heavy machine gun. He opted for a small scale – anti-material sniper rifle with thermal camera instead scope. Thanks to the charm people inside were invisible, it didn't mean that the heat they generated was also hidden. Due to camera not being privy to secret he could see Voldemort sitting on a chair (or throne knowing him). With this sniper rifle he had good chance to pierce the wall and kill the target, but it didn't guarantee success. The bullet could change trajectory after passing through wall or it could hit something hard and not penetrate at all, that's why he has send Tom Marvolo Riddle a letter, window (even one reinforced with unbreakable charms) was no match for his gun. To ensure that untrained person like him could hit the target Hermione has put several charms on bullets, one to remove effects of air resistance, one to remove effects of side wind and finally charm used in brooms to make them ignore gravity. The hasty work and target being small bullet made charms capable of holding only for two or three seconds after bullet was fired, fortunately that was enough.

Harry saw small source of heat approach Voldemort and quickly escape, Voldemort has stood up and walked to window, at least Harry hoped it was window. Seeing his target standing in place Harry pulled the trigger (gun was also magically silenced, Hermione hated the noise). Less than two seconds later he Voldemort falling to the floor.

No the third, completely unknown but true nonetheless, weakness of Fidelius was that charm needed magic of secret keeper to work, if secret keeper died the new secret keeper were all people who knew the secret, but if the secret keeper was only MOSTLY dead the charm stayed as it was, but mostly dead people cannot provide enough magic for charm to work thus Harry and Hermione could now see Riddle Manor which caused both Harry and Hermione to stand up and start running toward visible Riddle Manor.

Time: 5 minutes after Voldemort's death

"So... we have immortal Dark Lord stuffed in vacuum cleaner... what do we do now?" Hermione was still surprised that their plan worked.

"We need Ron and polijuice." Harry answered, his voice showed that he knows what he is doing.

"Harry, you cannot polijuice as dead people." Hermione guessed his plan. "On top of that, why would you want Ron to play role of Dark Lord?"

"First of all – Voldemort is still slightly alive, so there is nothing stopping polijuice from working." Hermione opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it again and closed it again. She could not find anything wrong with this logic, polijuice didn't work with dead people 'parts', Voldemort wasn't dead, polijuice should work despite 'body' being dead, magic was weird sometimes.. Harry continued. "As for why Ron? It's simple – could you pass as insane pureblood fanatic? No, me neither. Ron on the other hand has a chance to do that, better one than us."

"Well... I could pass as Bellatrix, all I had to do is giggle like madwoman and crucio everyone around."

"And you just made crucial mistake."

"What? You say I cannot pass as Lastrange?"

"Yes, you said crucio EVERYONE around, you cannot put Tom under cruciatus curse... it's bad for business when minions torture Dark Lord they work for." Hermione's mouth was gaping again.

"Fine, we will get Ron to do this, should I speak to him?"

"No, leave that to me."

Time: 1h after Voldemort's death, Grimmauld Place number 12

"Ron, with your help we have a way to end the war before end of the week, but it's dangerous, very VERY dangerous. If it fails quick death is most optimistic end. But if it succeeds you will single handy wipe out all Deatheaters and most likely be declared Hero of the Wizarding World. Are you in?" Harry looked at Ron, at first he was happy, quick end of the war, next distressed about potential death now Ron looked like he was daydreaming. "Ron? Are you in? We have to move fast."

"Sure, I'm in."

Time: 3h after Voldemort's death, Voldemort's main meeting chamber in Voldemort's secret headquarter at Riddle Manor

"My fellow Deatheaters, dark wizards and dark creatures, I, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort, your leader, will speak now about my, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort's, plan. My villainous, villainous plan. Question the plan at your peril! Uh... any questions?"

"Good, my evil villainous plan is simple – tomorrow morning we attack Hogwarts. Yes Bellatrix Lastrange, my fellow trusted lieutenant?" Bellatrix Lastrange was acting like Hermione, she was waving her hand in the air waiting for teacher... or dark lord in this case, to notice her and allow her to answer.

"My Lord, why do we attack Hogwarts? Your trusted spy Snape is in charge, we can simply walk in."

"Ah... you see, I the great and invincible Lord Voldemort need to capture Hogwarts because Potter and his friends have weapon hidden inside. If I the great and invincible Lord Voldemort just walked in they could leave the place using various underground passages, brooms or simply by foot. Attacking Hogwarts will cause wards to switch into war mode and prevent defenders from leaving without my, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort's, trusted spy's permission. Yes Bellatrix?" Bellatrix had her hand in air again.

"My Lord, then why won't Snape turn wards into war mode and have your faithful Slytherins search the castle?"

"Because Bellatrix my, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort's, faithful Slytherins are outnumbered three to one. Even when rest of the school won't support Potter he can hide inside castle and surrounding area for days, it will be enough time for the weapon to be charged and used against me, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort. Yes..." She was channeling inner Hermione again... 'the great and invincible Lord Voldemort' had to tell his nemesis ekhm... friend... that Hermione could pass as Bellatrix with ease...

"But my Lord, if the wards are in war mode won't we have to destroy them to enter?"

"Nonsense my dear Bellatrix, I the great and invincible Lord Voldemort has studied warding and can tell you that we can create small holes in wards, large enough for my, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort's, forces to pass and small enough that can be guarded by only few people to prevent Potter from escaping. No more questions? Good, let's start preparing battle plan." The 'hole in the wards' idea was real, Ron had listened many stories that Bill told about his career in Egypt.

Time: 5h after Voldemort's death, outside Voldemort's main meeting chamber in Voldemort's secret headquarter at Riddle Manor

"Lucius, I do not think that this person is Dark Lord." Narcissa waited for her husband to be alone.

"Nonsense Narcissa, Dark Lord said himself that he is Lord Voldemort, why would he lie?" It was one of those days when Narcissa regretted not marrying one of many muggleborns, many of the could outsmart Lucius in their sleep, only reason they didn't enter Slytherin was hat being forbidden from placing muggleborns there.

"I think that someone is trying to fool us into thinking that he is Dark Lord." Narcissa still tried, her future depended on it.

"Fine, why do you think that Dark Lord is not Dark Lord but someone else? Was that the fact that he used no cruciatus on us?"

"No, he tends to forget about it sometimes."

"The fact that he constantly reminded us that he is Lord Voldemort?"

"Dark Lord is megalomaniac, it's not that unusual."

"Maybe it was because he had detailed battle plan? He always tells us to attack en masse and threatens us with cruciatus if we fail."

"I heard that he sometimes takes some pills that allow him to create rational plans. No, the reason I think that Dark Lord is not Dark Lord we are looking for is that he allowed Bellatrix to speak... THREE TIMES." Narcissa almost shouted last words.

"Dear Merlin, you are right! Dark Lord would never allow Bellatrix to point out potential flaws in his plan! Even if someone brave and stupid enough did so Dark Lord would never present us with rational explanation for his actions. That means that Dark Lord is not Dark Lord! What should we do Narcissa? Do you think it's Potter out there? Did he became Dark Lord to impersonate our Dark Lord? Or maybe he was our Dark Lord all the time and this is the first time we noticed, or..."

"STOP. I have a plan, come with me and agree to everything." Narcissa really couldn't hear Lucius trying to double-, triple-, quadruple-guess himself. She entered room where Dark Lord who was not Dark Lord... no no no, she start to think like Lucius, it was time to find a new husband, this one was infecting her with his stupidity.

"My Lord, I have brilliant plan for you to consider, only great strategic genius like yourself can fully grasp brilliancy of this plan." Arghh.. I start repeating myself

"I, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort, am brilliant strategist, what is the plan you are speaking about Narcissa?"

"My Lord, in that plan you are pretending to be Ronald Weasley pretending to be Dark Lord. By pretending to be Ronald Weasley you intend to remove Deatheaters in futile assault on Hogwarts castle and claim credit for killing Dark Lord and his Deatheaters. With this you will became Greatest Hero of Wizarding World, greater than Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter combined, greater that Merlin himself. As The Hero you will rise to position of Minister of Magic where you will rule whole Magical Britain and later whole world."

"Yes, mine the great and invincible Lord Voldemort's plan is that brilliant, why do you came here to tell me, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort, my own plan?"Fortunately for Narcissa the great and invincible Lord Voldemort didn't notice anything.

"My Lord, by pretending to be Ronald Weasley you wouldn't want to parents of Ronald Weasley sister's lover to die, would you? It would make Ronald Weasley sister unhappy and everyone knows that Ronald Weasley cares for his sister."

"But I, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort, already killed Harry Potter's parents."

"My Lord, Ronald Weasley's sister is in love with our son Draco."

"WHAT? That's inconceivable!" Ha! not only Hermione can use long difficult words.

"My Lord, the evidence is there. They are constantly insulting each other, constantly hexing and constantly claim that there is nothing between them It's obvious that they have huge amount of unresolved sexual tension and are deeply in love."

"Dear Merlin, you are right! Ginny was close to Harry because he will fight Draco thus she will be close to him! It all makes sense now."

"I am happy to serve, my Lord."

"But what about my, the great and invincible Lord Voldemort's, nemesis Harry Potter? If Ginny wants to be with Draco who will he marry?"

"I was thinking about Hermione Granger. He will be in perfect position to comfort her after you my Lord, pretending to be Ronald Weasley, Greatest Hero of Wizarding World, will take whole flock of veela as wives, great Lord Voldemort pretending to be Ronald Weasley would never accept less."

"Entire pack of veela?" Narcissa could almost see ' the great and invincible Lord Voldemort' drooling.

"Of course my Lord, Malfoy family has old castle in France where they live. I sometimes visit it during summer. We would gladly give it to Dark Lord pretending to be Ronald Weasley for saving Malfoy family from Dark Lord pretending to be Ronald Weasley pretending to be Dark Lord."

"That's great idea!"

"Does that mean that me and my husband do not have to participate in main attack?"

"Of course."

Time: 5h 20 minutes after Voldemort's death, outside Voldemort's main meeting chamber in Voldemort's secret headquarter at Riddle Manor

"Narcissa, you are brilliant!"

"I..." Before she could say anything Lucius continued with joy in his voice, he always loved when he unveiled some plot.

"Only you would notice that Dark Lord was pretending to be Ronald Weasley who was pretending to be Dark Lord. Now we will support Dark Lord pretending to be Ronald Weasley in his quest..." Narcissa stopped listening to Lucius and went to her room whispering.

"Why am I even trying? Draco is old enough to live without my help, maybe Potter will want second wife? After all it's his plan to use Weasley.. Hmm... some obscure law requiring Lord Black to marry woman from Black family... I am only viable candidate, widowed right after main battle by Deatheater who saw Lucius switching sides, yes it will work. I only have to contact Gringotts to convince them to make such law."

Time: 24h after Voldemort's death, inside Headmaster office, Hogwarts.

Harry was sitting in Headmaster chair and listening to Hermione.

"Harry, I don't believe it, we won! No one died on our side, your plan to have Ron prepare both defense and attack was great! I only had to remind him that attack had to be as poorly planned as possible. Your idea to hide Hogwart statues underground and have them attack Deatheaters walking above them worked like charm. No Deathater came within curse range of castle, having quidditch teams bombard giants from brooms was great! Acromantulas were stopped by lower year students and House-elfs throwing grease and oil to cower walls and by older students blasting them with spells. And did you see how Neville, yes our shy Neville, took out entire werewolf pack? Whole castle saw that explosion! All teachers had to do was stun Carrows and keep Slytherins inside their dorms. Order members didn't even fire a single curse! Your plan worked great." Hermione couldn't stop her excitement, during battle she and Harry were going through Room of Requirement looking for Ravenclaw Diadem, it was Luna Lovegood who pointed them towards it. After they found it Hermione left to Great Hall to see everyone celebrating and Harry used fang from basilisk corpses to destroy horcrux.

"No Hermione, it was Ron's plan."

"But it was you who told him to use statues and have Ron plan attack route over them as Voldemort, it was you who mentioned using attacks from brooms to deal with giant, using grease and rigging western passage with explosives!"

"Yes, but everyone saw Ron making those plans and we won't tell them that I suggested everything to him."

"But why not? I don't understand." Not taking credit for an accomplishment was as alien to Hermione as slacking.

"It's simple, if everything is going according to my plan..." They heard someone coming upstairs.

"Harry, Hermione." It was Ron. "How good to see you, everything worked, can you believe that?"

"Ron, did I saw Malfoys out there?" Harry was curious, it looked like plan worked.

"Uhm... yes, Hermione could you leave us for a minute?" Ron asked.

"Why? What kind of secrets do you have?"

"It's guy stuff Hermione."

"Fine." Hermione has left the office.

"Well, about Malfoys... You see Narcissa saw right through me and she came up with this crazy idea that I'm Voldemort who is pretending to be me who is pretending to be Voldemort."

"But you aren't Voldemort?"

"No, of course not."

"Just checking."

"And the she started that Ginny is in love with Draco because they constantly fight and that's unresolved sexual tension and that I shouldn't let them die in the attack... then she said that I will be hailed as a great hero and such great hero should get married with pack of veela and after that you will comfort Hermione because I will marry veela and Ginny will marry Draco" Ron ended his story.

"Oh... that's a bit complicated."

"Yes, well... I'm not stupid, I admit I am bit hotheaded, fine more than bit, but not stupid so I have only one question – did you really plan this all?"


"Oh... OK, but if you hurt Hermione I will spend rest of my days hunting you down."

"Don't worry Ron, if I hurt her I won't be hiding anywhere and you have my permission to do what you want with me."

"Ok. Hermione, you can come back."

"Harry you won't believe that, Ginny was kissing DRACO."

"Well... I heard it's normal for people in love to be kissing." Both Harry and Hermione looked at Ron as if he grew new head. "What? Why are you looking at me like this?"

"Never mind, I also saw Narcissa Malfoy, they switched sides but her husband was killed by some random Deatheater. With her were ten beautiful blond women, I think they might be veela or part veela."

"Wow, she is fast. Hermione I have something important to tell you, I don't think we are meant to be with each other. I'm sorry." With those words Ron left.

"WHAT? Now that is just was with Hannah Abbot, Twins have their own girlfriends, Seamus and Dean... well, I don't want to come between them, everyone in Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff is either annoying bastard or taken. How am I supposed to find a decent guy right now? Ron was my last chance..." Hermione was close to tears.

"Hermione Jane Granger, thank you very much for not considering me a decent guy. I am truly disappointed in you, I thought that over six year of friendship would mean more to you." Harry hoped that Hermione will notice that he didn't really mean that.

"But you, Ginny, she..."

"Didn't you say it yourself that Ginny was kissing Malfoy?"

"Wait, does that mean you are free?"

"Yes, but seeing as you do not consider me a 'decent guy' I might have to search for so..."

"Stop that and kiss me."

"With pleasure."

Time: 24h 25 minutes after Voldemort's death, outside Headmaster office, Hogwarts.

"I won Severus" Minerva McGonagall said with triumph in her voice.

"Fine, I owe you a Galleon. Do you with to have that transferred to your vault or direct payment will suffice?"

"Oh, don't pretend. They look great together."

"Fine, but I still hate Potter."

"What do you think they did with Voldemort?"

"I don't know and don't want to know that." After that they have left.

Time: 52h after Voldemort's death, Privet Drive number 4, Surrey

"I am great and invincible Dark Lord Voldemort! I demand to be released immediately! If you do not release me I will torture you into insanity and kill you, if you DO release me I will only kill you!"

"Vernon, I think I heard some voices coming from our vacuum cleaner."

"Don't be ridiculous Pet, the freak is gone and all that freakishness is gone with him."

"You are right. What I was thinking."

"I am great and invincible Dark Lord Voldemort..."

The end.


No, Narcissa didn't marry Harry, he reminded her that there are over 30 MILLION men in muggle Britain alone, 3 BILLION in the entire world, last time Harry saw her was when she was walking towards Hogwarts gates muttering something about billions and drooling.

No, Luna also didn't marry Harry. She met nice guy during her studies in Oxford and married him after graduating.

Ron proved to be a true Weasley and managed to satisfy entire pack of veela without dying in the process. He lives in France with them and works in a vineyard in his free time... which he doesn't have too much.

Draco and Ginny were truly in love, with some Narcissa help Draco was portrayed as tragic hero having to fight against his true love. They had one son and seven daughters, their son was the youngest.

Severus Snape retired as Headmaster and teacher, he went to do thing he loved the most – potion research. 20 years later he married oldest Malfoy daughter, together they created many potions that improved life of both muggles and magicals.

Harry had three sons and four daughters with Hermione, children didn't stop Hermione from obtaining several mastery's, Harry was happy with one mastery in DADA. When more Dark Lords showed up Harry took out his sniper rifle and went hunting, he made sure to invite Ron so he could take the credit for the kills.

As for our favorite great and invincible Dark Lord Voldemort... he was replaced several years later by newer vacuum cleaner, after that he was permanently vanquished by experimental garbage incinerator built by Potter Industries.