A/N: Alright, guys. I've never written something like before. I've sort of written them in my head, but never actually typed it up or anything, just so you know. And apparently I can't end a story without leaving it on a good note, so... Oh, also please review
Warnings: Cutting, depression, sex (not smutty exactly) and mentions of eating disorders.
Don't leave me
She finally felt better. Good enough to wear a tank top. She had gained back some of the weight, the scars on her wrists had faded enough to show her arms again. Beck even told her she looked pretty. He always did, but it seemed more sincere that day. When Cat had seen her that morning she told her that she liked her shirt, something Cat hadn't said in a very long time. Things were going to be fixed. She was going to be fixed. It wasn't like she hadn't tried before to fix it, because she had. But this time it was for real. Things were going to be better. Until,
"Why are you rubbing my boyfriend?" She was touching him. He was her's. Excuses. That's all the new girl had. "Get away from him." He said it was OK. But she knew it wouldn't be. Six months, tops, they'd be done, and he would go after her.
"Kiss me." He wouldn't. He couldn't.
"Little weird. Let's do it." It killed her. Because the kiss looked real. It didn't look like a stage kiss. So much for six months.
"How could you?" She hisses. She's hidden away. A closet with a dirty floor. Red drips are by her knees, and he's pulling the blade away from her hands.
"Jade, I swear it didn't mean anything. She is nothing."
"That's what people say when it's something." She knows it's true. It was a bump in the road. A pot hole. Small for now, but eventually it would grow big enough to swallow her. She wanted to tell him to stay away. Block him out, and never let anyone back in again. But she won't. She can't.
"Please," He's begging. "Jade, please." So she says it's fine, and warns him not to do it again. And he says that he won't, and that he loves her. Thankfully no one notices when she comes back to class in his jacket, her arms just barely covered. She never finds out how the janitor reacted to blood on the floor.
So that's what her life becomes. Long sleeved shirts and carefully placed bracelets. Uncontrollable jealously and wishing he would just realize what he was doing to her. But he doesn't, and it gets worse. Of course she can push it away. When she is at school or at Tori's house or in Beck's RV. But at home, alone, it's all that comes to her mind. It dwells in the back until she can focus on it and take it out. So she does. She's careful, so that they don't see them. The skinny red scars. Especially Tori. Because as annoying and boyfriend stealing as she is, she'd care.
She can't understand how Tori can care for her. She's never been anything but awful. She's done everything to try to keep her as far away as she could. But she would push and push and push until she would be Jade's friend. As if. So eventually they settle as not friends but not enemies. And she wants it to stay like that.
And for a while it was better. He's taking care of her. He's careful not to break her, because he knows he could. When they kiss it's electric, and it's never going to change.
"I love you," It's always said. It's always true. And it isn't different.
"Are you staying here?" He'll ask at eleven o'clock on a school night. Of course she is. It's not like she's going to go home.
Some nights she'll curl up in his arms and watch him fall asleep, staring until she doesn't have the ability to keep her eyes open for another second. Other nights he'll kiss her, barley brushing their lips together, making it impossible for her not to kiss him back. It's real and difficult and perfect for them.
It was perfect. For three years. But he's been spending so much time with Tori that she can't help it. The fights start and don't stop for days. He's saying he loves her less. The sex isn't the same. It`s rougher and rawer. Not really how either of the like it. They pull hair and rip at clothes, stumbling over each other until they get the satisfaction.
But when she walked out that door, she figured that he come after her. Apologizing and saying how he screwed up and that he loves her and please don't go. She'd say she was sorry, mutter about being less of a bitch and how she wouldn't leave. And like every other time it would be fine. All of their friends would be happy and they'd do couple things and be stupid teenagers in love.
"10." Her voice cracks. They can all hear it. Everyone is worried and all of them want to run after her and make sure she won't hurt herself. Because all of them know she has the power to.
Cat drives over as soon as she can. Jade's in her room, curled up in a ball. Cat's pretty sure that she's crying, but her hair is covering her face so she can't actually see.
"Jade, I'm so sorry. He doesn't know what he lost." She says as she sits beside Jade. "He's stupid. And mean. I can hate him if you want me to. I know you probably do."
"I don't. I don't hate him. I love him." She whispers.
"How can you love him?" Cat asks.
"I don't know." A sob escapes her lips. "Whenever he's gone I feel like I'm suffocating. Like I'm drowning and he is the only one who can pull me back up."
"Jade, no. He's not special. You are." Cat says, about to cry. "He's just a stupid boy. Just don't punish yourself for him being mean. OK? Please. We're all here for you."
"Thank you." Cat hated seeing her like this. She's so far past broken.
Months pass with few communications. He said she hated being happy. He's wrong. It just takes a lot to get her there. And almost nothing to wipe the joy away. So now he's trying to have feelings for Tori. So hard it makes his head hurt. But he can't get them. He likes her like you would like a Barbie. Skinny and pretty and fun to play with, but you know you'll grow out of her eventually. He knows he'll never grow out of Jade, though. Because she is his forever. He just wishes he could say it.
It's not like Jade knows any of this, though. She can't read minds. So when he congratulates Tori on her getting the spot on the Platinum Music Awards, and her legs wrap around his waist, pain floods her face. And she can't watch anymore.
"Because of Jade." She should have kissed him. Not for herself, or for Beck. For Jade. Because then she could finally understand that they were over. And she could get on with it, and finally heal herself. But she's thankful. Because she probably wouldn't finish the day alive. So she gives her the place back.
The smile. It wasn't like how friends smile. Or like how a couple smiles. It was a smile that had undeniable heat and an inexplicable bond carved into it.
"I'm not mad." She's not. She's broken and bruised and cut and scraped and hurt. But she's not mad. Another fucking smile. It probably would have turned into a kiss if the dog ointment hadn't been ready.
So after she drives Cat home she pulls to the side off the road and starts. Soon enough there is blood on her arms, and she's wiping the tears off of her cheeks. There's a mix of mascara and blood on her hands and she wants a tidy wipe but she doesn't have one. She rifles through the glove compartment, looking for a napkin. Eventually she finds one and wipes her face and arms, crumpling it and tossing it behind her. And she needs to go somewhere. And see someone.
Fifteen minutes later she finds herself knocking on his RV door. She can't remember driving there or getting out of her car. But she's there now. And she's adjusting her sleeves so they cover the cuts. He's not answering, so she starts to walk away. Then the door opens.
"Jade? What are you doing here?" He asks, and she walks towards him.
"I don't know."
"Come in." She doesn't move. "Please?" So she does, and she looks around. Not much has changed. There isn't any of her stuff around; the picture of them that was placed on his dresser is gone.
"Why are you here?" He asks again.
"I- This was a mistake." She says, and heads towards the door.
"Jade, wait." He grabs her arm and she winces. "Wha-" He hardly touched her. How could it hurt?
"Let go of me." She hisses. He pulls back her sleeve, closing his eyes after seeing the marks. He quickly drops her arm, as if it had burned his hand. She pulls her shirt over it again, trying to make them disappear, wishing she could do the same.
"How could you? How could you? I thought you stopped this."
"Well, you thought a lot of things, didn't you?" Her comments make him madder. He's not angry at her, exactly. What she's done to herself. And he's mad at himself, for letting her do it when he could have stopped it.
"What do you think you're doing?" He asks.
"Making the pain go away." She mumbles, barley loud enough for him to hear.
"How? How could that help?" He shouts.
"I don't know." Her voice is hushed. Like every word hurts her.
"Why would you do that? Why?"
"Because I need to feel something. I don't have anyone to-"
"God dammit, Jade!" He shouts, his fist slamming into the wall. "You've got everyone. Don't you understand?"
"No, I really don't." He rushes forward and grabs her hands, gently turning them over, playing with her fingers.
"Everyone loves you. Cat, Robbie, Tori, Andre, me. We love you, Jade."
"How? I'm a mess. I'm so fucked up. I can barely talk to people without making them cry. I can't kee-" And he kisses her. It's hot and slow and passionate and makes her toes tingle. And she doesn't pull back. So he doesn't either.
She's not sure what time it is. She should probably shove him off and go home, maybe play with her scissors a little before she falls into a nightmare filled sleep. But she doesn't. She kisses him back like she'll never get another chance, because she probably won't. He is still holding onto her hands, slowly intertwining their fingers. He breaks away from her, kissing down her neck and shoulder, past her elbow to where the red marks start. His lips are on them, trying to sooth and make the pain feel OK.
And he can. He does. Because he knows her that well. He knows her too well to be friends. He's seen things that make friendship impossible. But that's OK, because he doesn't really want to be her friend. He wants to be her everything. She was to be his everything.
Soon enough clothing is dropping to the floor, he's tugging at the waist of her skirt and she's forcing off his sweatshirt. And they are collapsing onto his tiny bed, kissing every inch of each other. He's gently biting her neck, and her hands squeeze his. The worst part of this is that it all feels natural. It feels right. Their hands dance over each other, touching and rubbing in the places they know are desirable.
"Jade, are you sure you want to d-"
"Yeah," She says, breathless. She's actually not sure, and she'll probably regret it so much she'll want to die, but she's going to do it.
Her throat is collapsing and there are pains in her chest, and somehow she's managing to hide it all from him. If he could see her face, he'd see it streaked with worry and fear, but he can't, so he doesn't. The final layer of clothing is off of them, and she knows it's gonna start.
It feels good. She's gripping onto his back for support, and his arms are on either side of her face, he's leaning down to kiss her. It's all touching and kissing and groaning. She swears it's better like this, with actual feelings and passion, not just to get another dumb argument out of their minds. Her nails dig into his back a bit, leaving tiny half-moon shaped marks in his tan skin. She feels it getting warmer, beads of sweat are forming at her hair line, but she doesn't really notice. She doesn't have time to care, much less freak out and say she hates it. It's coming, she knows it.
"Oh-oh-oh," She moans into his mouth, moving her fingers to the base of his neck. "Oh," He`s saying her name, too.
"Jade," He groans. He's slowly intertwining their fingers, gently pressing her hands to his bed. Her nails are hurting him, he's not doing it to be farther away from her, but he knows that she doesn't want to hurt him. He starts to kiss her neck again, gently biting and licking. "yes," she gasps a little, almost shrinking back. He hasn't said her name like that in a long time, so of course it scares her.
Despite everything, it's still perfectly timed. She pushes up off his bed, grabbing his shoulders and crying out. He holds her, kissing her forehead and whispering something she doesn't exactly hear into her ear. It leaves them panting and a little jittery, and when he finally rolls off of her, she sits up, her feet touching the floor. Her back is facing him, and he can see her breathing slowing down, and she's rubbing the red scars with her hands, one of the cuts even opened up, and she's bleeding a little.
"Look, Jade," He starts, gently grabbing her shoulder.
"Don't touch me." She whispers, suddenly feeling very, very naked. When he doesn't move his hand, she brushes it off, holding on for a second too long. "I have to go."
"Wait, Jade." He says, standing and tugging on his pants. She's looking around for her shirt, pulling on her clothes as fast as possible, trying to cover up everything.
"What?" She whimpers. He's walking towards her, his hand outstretched with a tissue in it. She grabs it and forces it to her arm, the blood soaking through a little.
"I just want to make sure you don't do this," He says, motioning to her arms "again. So give it to me."
"Give you what?" She questions, playing dumb.
"You know exactly what. Hand it over."
"Fine." She says, and pulls a pair of scissors out of her purse. She gives them to him, and he drops them onto the floor.
"I know you better than that. Give it to me." She loves her scissors. Loves them. She wouldn't leave blood stains on them. They would be ruined. So when she pulls out the razor blade, he quickly wraps his hand around it, shoving his hand as deep in the pockets of his pants as they it go. She leaves then, not hearing him call out, asking her to come back. So he can tell her he still loves her.
Don't hurt her
"So... Where were you?" He asks Moose, who just arrived back at the RV. He missed Jade at Tinkle Aid and spent most of the time think about her. "I don't wanna pry or anything."
"You know that freaky chick, Jade?" He asks. Of course Beck knows her. Probably better than anyone else, except maybe Cat. But Beck just nods. "I was doing her."
"You were... what?" Beck asks. Jade wouldn't do that. She's seductive and sexy and beautiful and perfect, but not slutty.
"Jade and I were having se-"
"I get it." Beck interrupts, thoughts flashing through his brain. What if he hurt her? What if she hurts herself? What if she forgets about me? What if I don't get the chance to tell her I love her?
"God, she's hot. I just wish I could go back and do her again."
"Well, Jade is sort of different." Beck explains. "She's fragile. You can't just play with her feelings. You can't just make her feel and then forget about her. She's difficult to understand."
"Yeah, this was a one time thing." Moose says, scratching his head. "It's not like I'm gonna call her."
"So the plan is to just leave her hanging?" Beck can feel an emotion (that's a change) pulsing through his veins. A bit of anger, a little bit of jealousy. "You can't just let her go! She's too good for that." He's shouting now, and Moose is looking at him like he is absolutely out of his mind. Because he is.
"Look, I don't know what your baggage is with Jade, and it's none of my business. I'm going back to Canada tomorrow, so it won't matter anyways." With everything going through his head, Beck doesn't exactly realize that he just told Moose not to do all of the things he'd done to Jade. It's not like her life wasn't a mess before him, 'cause it was. He even made it better for a while, but now it's worse. And confusing and is eating her from the inside out.
That's why she did things with Moose. A lot like how he'd used Tori, actually. But her efforts succeeded. And it left her thinking about how she could let someone (who's nothing to her) have such a big part of her. But when she goes to slice the pain away, and she sees the other scars, she can't do it. She can't hurt herself again. So that's when she gets a piece of paper out, scribbling down her feelings, and they eventually form a song. And maybe, just maybe, if he hears it, he'll feel the same way.
"I've missed you,"
"So what are you gonna do about it?" He's going to tell her he loves her and that he was stupid. So unbelievably stupid. He's going to wrap her in his arms and never leave her again. He's going to apologize for so, so many things. But first he's going to kiss her. And show her -and everyone else- that she's not going to be alone any more. And now everybody knows that they're love isn't going to end any time soon.
Forever & Always
Eventually her scars fade, and so do the memories of the bad years. They spent most of their time together, just being there. It's good enough for both or them. Their relationship is back on track, and it's even better.
When they have sex, it's filled with murmurs of 'I love you' (a lot like he whispered in her ear that one night) and sweet kisses everywhere. They lose their heads from the touches and they way their hears beat at the same time. She'll gently kiss him and he'll know she's ready. And then there will be light nips and nibbles all down her body, sending shivers up her spine. He's kissing her inher spots, on her collar bone and inner thigh, and it always scares her how well he knows her. And they know that forever actually means forever this time. Alone is his RV, is where they spend their time, because being together isn't the same if they aren't alone.
He's still careful around her arms. Every so often he'll kiss them, always a little scared that they'll start bleeding again. They never do, of course. He stopped her from doing anything else to harm herself. It's the kind of control he has over her. The kind that makes her heart flutter every time they touch, and his will flutter right along with hers.
Married and children is obviously the direction they're headed in, with successful careers and keeping close with their friends from high school. They like to stay up at night and talk about their house and what their kids are going to look like, before they realize why rush into the future? We're in this moment, so let's take it. So they will, and three words sum up everything.
"I love you,"