Disclaimer: I don't own Wicked or anything else.

Note: Way too many references to other things for my own good, but if someone can point them all out, they'll get major props. Possibly a prize, too. Like, an actual prize. Perhaps a story that I can write for you by request? Anyway, so, this is obviously a parody of the musical but there may be book references buried in there. Leave a review, my dear readers!


Act I

Monkeys: Ooh! Ahh! We turn gears now!

Time Dragon Clock: *is random and creepy*

Citizens of OZ: We're celebrating a murder today! Would you like to join us? You would? Awesome! See, there was this green girl, and man, was she evil! Or, at least, we think she was…

Glinda: HELLO, BITCHES!

Citizens of OZ: Oh. My sweet OZ. It's…THE Glinda. Holy sweet Ozma!

Glinda: Well, maybe I should give you some expository backstory first. Ahem. Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Citizens of OZ: EWWW! We don't need to think about THAT!

Glinda: Okay. Let's see. Oh, right! So basically, she had a mom and a dad, as everyone does, and her mom was a slut and slept with the—

Citizens of OZ: Who cares, get on with the good stuff!

Glinda: …exposition, bitches. Anyway, so she was born green, I'm not really sure why, couldn't have been like, from that elixir bottle she always had with her at school under her pillow 'cause it reminded her of her dead mother. Nope, I'm pretty sure her mom ate too many green vegetables. Or something. Anyhow, her dad basically like, hated her, and her sister hated her too. I would know. I went to school with her.

Random Dude: So you were enemies, right?

Glinda: She was mah bestie!

Citizens of OZ: Huh-whazzit?!

Glinda: Exposition, exposition, rush it out ASAP! *transforms into her college self*

Students of Shiz: College, man. It's so awesome. Gonna go to parties and stuff and OH MY OZ A GREEN CHICK! LET'S HATE HER IMMEDIATELY!

Elphaba: Well, bully to you, too. I'm just here to look after my invalid sister. Oh, and this is apparently like, the only university in this whole freaking country but whatever.

Students of Shiz: Well, we still hate you! Love your sister, though. She's the bomb!

Elphaba: Well, when she becomes an evil dictator, don't say I didn't warn ya. *wanders off to brood some more about how her father doesn't love her*

Nessarose: What pretty silver shoes! I'm sure I won't ever wear them, though. It's not like I can walk or anything. Thanks for rubbing that in my face, Dad!

Madame Morrible: Gather around, students! Oh, except the green girl. You can go over to the corner. I only allow pretty, popular people into my sorcery class.

Elphaba: WHAT THE HELL, MAN? AND WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY SISTER? *creates cool windstorm out of ANGER…basically like she's a wind-bender*

Madame Morrible: Alright, alright! You can be in the class! But don't think it makes you popular or pretty. Because it doesn't. Although you could be useful in my taking-over-the-world scheme.

Elphaba: What was that last part again?

Madame Morrible: Oh, nothing, dear. You'll find out in Act II.

Elphaba: *shrugs* okay.

Madame Morrible: Oh, and you can't room with your sister because of this.

Elphaba: Well…who am I rooming with then?

*cut to Elphaba arriving in dorm room and finding Glinda there*

Elphaba: Aw, fu- *gets bleeped by censors*

Galinda: *pouts* I'm not that bad!

Elphaba: …boo!

Galinda: DON'T DO THAT. OMO. SCARY GREEN GIRL.

Students of Shiz: We agree with you, pretty, popular, rich, blonde girl!

Galinda: And so you should!

Elphaba: Oh, I'm gonna be wounded…oh, you really didn't think this was going to go without a Spring Awakening reference, did you? *wanders off*

Students of Shiz: Like, why do we need to take history class anyway? Shouldn't we be learning magic and stuff?

Glinda: *passes note to Fiyero*

Fiyero: Oh, it's a note! Um. Let's see. A picture of an eye. Okay. Eye. And now a heart. Okay, cool. And then the letter "U". Um. Eye heart the letter "U"? What?

Galinda: I LIKE YOU, SILLY!

Fiyero: Aw man! I can't believe I didn't get that! Cool beans, though. Eye heart "U" too.

Dr. Dillamond: Racism, children, is dangerous.

Elphaba: Which I'm sure won't be a running theme in this story at all! I shall sympathize with you, Fellow Outcast. *eats sandwich because why not*

Dr. Dillamond: Also the Wizard is an evil overlord.

Elphaba: What was that?

Dr. Dillamond: Nothing, child. You'll find out later on in Act II.

Elphaba: *shrug* okay.

Fiyero: Well, it's the weekend, mah homies! Let's partay!

Nessarose: *moping because she's stuck in a chair forever and ever…*

Boq: Galinda, you're super-hot and I totally have dreams about us getting married and having lots of babies and—

Galinda: *slightly freaked out* Um. Thanks. But why don't you ask the girl in the wheelchair to the dance?

Boq: But that would be a sympathy date!

Galinda: Exactly.

Boq: Well, alright. But it won't be the same!

Galinda: *skips off to get ready* Thanks for the favor, Bop!

Boq: It's Boq! *sighs longingly, staring at her ass as she skips away*

Nessarose: He's so wonderful, Elphaba! Be happy for me, damnit!

Elphaba: Okay. But if he has a severe crush on another woman, don't say I didn't tell you so. Because I'm telling you right now, he has the biggest crush on Galinda.

Nessarose: Don't be silly! He totally loves me. Just you watch.

Galinda: OH SWEET OZ, MY GRANDMA HAD BAD STYLE! Here, freakishly green roommate. Why don't YOU take this hat instead?

Elphaba: How did you know that black is my favorite color?!

Galinda: Um…lucky guess, I suppose…*looks around Elphaba's drab, colorless side of the room* Anyway, see ya laters!

Elphaba: Sweet OZ, that ass of hers…*shakes herself out of lesbian reverie*

Fiyero: Eye heart "U", Galinda!

Galinda: And eye heart "U", Fiyero!

Elphaba: And I hate all of you.

Students of Shiz: AHAHAHA, YOUR OUTFIT SUCKS, AHAHAHA!

Elphaba: Screw you bitches. I can dance if I want to. I can leave my friends behind. Because my friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine.

Galinda: Well, I want to be your friend! *dances with Elphaba*

Fiyero: …not gonna lie, that pairing is kind of hot. I'm, uh…I'm gonna go back to my dorm now…and uh…take care of…things…

Galinda: And then I'll brush your hair, and braid it, and put makeup on you, and OH MY OZ, IT'S TOMORROW! IT'S TOMORROW, ELPHIE!

Elphaba: …Elphie? Seriously?

Galinda: Yes, seriously.

Elphaba: It reminds me of my dead mother! She called me that!

Galinda: …awkward.

Elphaba: Ya. Anyway, so…um…

Galinda: Do you have a cruuuuush on anyone?

Elphaba: Yes, there's this one…person…

Galinda: Ooh! Is he cute?

Elphaba: Who said it was a boy?

Galinda: O_o

Elphaba: *coughs* Moving on!

Galinda: Okay. To make this a real slumber party…

Elphaba: Galinda. We live together. EVERY night is a slumber party.

Galinda: *narrows eyes* You know what I meant. I'm gonna make you pretty! To help you impress the, uh, person, you like!

Elphaba: *shrug* Works for me, I guess.

Galinda: *Makeover-ify!*

Elphaba: Gah! I'm too pretty for my own good! *runs*

Galinda: Hope this "person" thinks you're pretty too! *stares at self in mirror for hours*

Official Guard Guys: So we arrested your history teacher for reasons we won't specify, it doesn't really matter anyway, but yeah, animals are bad. Or something.

Elphaba: Not on my Time Dragon Clock! *steals lion cub* And you're coming with me, pretty boy! I need a cover in case I get detention!

Fiyero: Whatever, man. It's cool by me. I like being, you know…rebellious and all.

Elphaba: You know, you're kind of hot.

Fiyero: You know, you kind of have the hots for Galinda.

Elphaba: …I do not! *shifty eyes*

Fiyero: I think it's kind of hot, actually.

Elphaba: …this conversation never happened.

Fiyero: Whatever, man. *wanders off*

Elphaba: I'm not…that maaaaaan…I mean giiiiiiiiirl!

Madame Morrible: Hey, green girl! Wanna go to the GREEN city? *wink, nudge*

Elphaba: Can my roommate come with me?

Madame Morrible: Sure, whatever. Oh, it's raining, isn't it? *casts weather spell*

Elphaba: Hey, that's cool! How'd you do that?

Madame Morrible: Never you mind that. You'll find out in Act II.

Elphaba: *shrugs* okay.

Galinda: I officially decree that my name be changed to…Glinda!

Fiyero: Really? That's kinda weird.

Glinda: Well, no one asked your opinion, dear.

Fiyero: True that.

Elphaba: Wanna come to the Emerald City with me?

Fiyero: Hecks yeah, I do!

Elphaba: I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Glinda.

Glinda: Hey, you used my new name! Mm, okay, I'll go with you!

Elphaba: Would you say we're good friends?

Glinda: No.

Elphaba: *sad face*

Glinda: I'd say we're two BEST friends!

Elphaba: D'awww.

Wizard: So, uh, magic green girl with magic powers who is magical…uh…yeah. So. This monkey, right here. Can you give him wings? So he can fly? Because wouldn't it just be so awesome if monkeys could FLY? Man, that would be EPIC!

Elphaba: Mmkay, why not? That does sound pretty cool…*casts spell*

Chistery: Ooh, ahh! Oww!

Elphaba: Heyy, you tricked me! I'm just gonna take your spell book and lock myself in your tower with my "best friend"! *grabs Glinda and Grimmerie and gallops*

Glinda: But…but the Wizard!

Elphaba: He's a total sham! I can't believe I fell for the old "please give my monkey wings" trick!

Glinda: You can still say you're sorry, you know. Or something.

Elphaba: Or you and I can run away together and make magic of our own.

Glinda: Um…I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that commitment yet.

Elphaba: Well then. Elphaba out, bitches! *grabs broom and flies away*

Act II

Citizens of OZ: Man, that freaky green girl on the broomstick is evil! She totally did a bunch of stuff. Like poisoned our water supply, burned our crops, and put a plague on all of our houses!

Glinda: She did?!

Citizens of OZ: No. But are we gonna sit around until she does?

Madame Morrible: Kill the witch!

Citizens of OZ: Yeah! Kill the witch!

Glinda: WHOA. Whoa. Okay. Murder. Not good. Let's turn the focus on me! I'm engaged to Fiyero now!

Fiyero: Wait, when did this happen? I thought you were in love with—

Glinda: Shush, dear! Aren't you happy?

Fiyero: Eh, not really. *wanders off*

Glinda: *sad puppy face*

Elphaba: Hello, sister who took over Munchkinland after our father "mysteriously" died! It's so nice to see you!

Nessarose: *bleep* you, you *bleeping* *bleep*. I trusted you for all those years and you *bleeping* do *bleep* and cause all this crazy *bleeeeeeep* to happen. *Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

Elphaba: Oh. Well, guess I'm not gonna fix your legs then…*wanders away slowly*

Nessarose: Did I say all of that? *giggles* I meant, nice to see you too! Now fix my legs, magic green sister!

Elphaba: *random nonsense words*

Nessarose: Hey cool, you turned these old unstylish silver shoes red! Awesome! Hey Boq! Come here, I gotta show you my new shoes!

Boq: Nice shoes and HOOOOOOOLLLLYYYY CRAP, YOU CAN WALK!

Nessarose: *beams happily* yes! Now we can get married!

Boq: Uh, I kind of still like Glinda. Even though she's engaged.

Nessarose: Another woman? Not on my watch! I'll turn you into a goon!

Boq: Do goons have no hearts?

Nessarose: Uh, no?

Boq: …well, *bleeeeeeep*.

Elphaba: I can save you! Or, uh. Turn you into tin. Close enough.

Nessarose: …*bleep* you.

Elphaba: Be free, monkeys! Be freeeeeeeeeee!

Wizard: Hey, wanna be "wonderful"?

Elphaba: Well… "Wonderful Witch of the West" does have a fun ring to it. Sure!

Dr. Dillamond: Bleeeaaaaaat!

Elphaba: Screw you, old man! Elphaba, out!

Fiyero: Hey, what are you doing here?

Elphaba: Being generally awesome. You?

Fiyero: …running away with you.

Elphaba: Wait, what?

Fiyero: JUST GO. GLINDA HAS GONE CRAY-CRAY.

Elphaba: Well…okay!

Glinda: I'm not….that boyyyyy…I MEAN GIRRRRRLLL.

Madame Morrible: Your fiancé run off with the girl you have a secret thing for? Is that girl your former roommate? Does her skin just happen to be green? Well, no fear! Madame Morrible's Horrible Weather Service can help!

Glinda: *sniffles* how?

Madame Morrible: Why, child, I can drop a house on her sister!

Glinda: *sniffle* oh…okay…I think that could work.

Madame Morrible: *evil laughter, thunderclap*

House: *crush*

Elphaba: OZ. THIS SUCKS. Oh hey, those shoes! Cool!

Glinda: Aw hell to the naw! Those shoes SO don't go with that dress!

Elphaba: And they do go with YOURS?

Glinda: *takes off earrings* OH, IT'S AWN!

Elphaba: Oh, by the way, I made out with Fiyero.

Glinda: *pauses in her wand twirling* what? I thought you were g—

Elphaba: SUCK ON THAT!

Glinda: OKAY, NOW YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

Fiyero: STOP THE VIOLENCE.

Glinda: Oh my OZ! Fiyero! *drops wand*

Guards: Heh, just kidding, we're gonna arrest you.

Fiyero: But I'm a prince! You can't arrest me!

Guards: Actually, we can. *grab Fiyero and drag him off*

Elphaba: …seriously, my life kind of sucks right about now. You know what? I'm done with good deeds. Nope, never again. *goes off to brood*

Citizens of OZ: Kill the witch!

Glinda: Oh no, not this again…

Boq: IT'S TOTALLY HER FAULT I'M TIN. NOT MY CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S.

Glinda: …Bop? Is that you?

Boq: *sigh*

Elphaba: I NEED THOSE SHOES, GIRL. THEY'RE WORTH A LOT ON OZBAY.

Glinda: They're coming to kill you!

Elphaba: Ah, man. I knew this day would come. Well, I guess we need to clear the air.

Glinda: I guess we do, now, don't we?

Both: You go first!

Elphaba: Okay, fine. I'll go first. I'm madly in love with y—

Citizens of OZ: WE'VE COME TO KILL THE GREEN CHICK!

Elphaba: Elphaba out, bitches! *runs to…die? OR DOES SHE?*

Glinda: WHO WERE YOU IN LOVE WITH? *silence* I love you…loved you…hey, what's this? Oh, that hideous hat I gave her…she still kept it…maybe she loved me? *pause* Nah, that's impossible.

Madame Morrible: Wahoo, she's dead!

Glinda: And you're under arrest! Goodbye!

Wizard: Wait, what's this random green bottle?

Glinda: I dunno, it got left behind when she ran away.

Wizard: OH OZ! I WAS HER FATHER! *stumbles off in sorrow*

Glinda: ...well, that was a dramatically convenient plot point!

Fiyero: Whoa dude, this convenient trap door worked!

Elphaba: Hecks yeah it did! Let's go party!

Glinda: And now you know the true story of how my best friend and almost lover died. Sigh. I'm going to be a sad panda now. Also I'm going back in the closet.

Citizens of OZ: Wait, what?

Glinda: Oh, nothing. You'll find out in the sequel.

The End