Note and Disclaimer: Yep, that's right. I, and everyone else here, still don't own M*A*S*H. However, I had an idea after watching the season 9 episode today, mentioning the idea. There was also a story on the Hogan's Heroes board that I borrowed the idea from, so I would like to thank snooky-9093 for her idea as well, from the story "The Stalag 13 Gazette".
Anyway, instead of M*A*S*H Notes by Klinger, we can all chip in and start from the beginning…all by Klinger and others, of course. If you want to write a column or add a little something special (like a nurse sending a message out or something similar to that), please message me or I'll be giving you my email address for communication. Because of my busy schedule, though, this might be updating once a week at the very least, so please be patient and I'll add everyone's story in. It might not be in the edition you want it to be, but it'll be there. Thank you!
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger, AKA Dorothy
…Well, for today anyway
KOREA! M*A*S*H 4077th
September 19, 1950
Well, folks, this is the first edition of the M*A*S*H Notes, so listen up before you just pick this up and read this deep well of Klinger genius. Subscription prices are $2 a month or $25 a year. If you get it hot off the press on the stand outside Post-Op, it's 10¢. Special delivery to your doormats is an additional $2. Anyone else but me delivering your news will be given $1, 50¢ of it going to me.
Remember, if you want (or need) to put in an advertisement, it'll be an additional $1 for each section. Added writers will be sending in another $2 a month for being writers under me only, Corporal Klinger, except for certain officers and the camp priest, who all donate so much already. Anything else is subject to debate and can only be discussed in my quarters alone…with Radar as my witness, of course.
If you're an office higher than the rank of captain, you get the High Officers' Discount. Or, if you're a priest, you get the Black and White Collar Discount. Nurses get to pay $1 a month if they donate makeup and dresses to the Klinger Collection. Anyone who helps yours truly, Maxwell Q. Klinger, get a Section Eight and/or escape from Korea, they will be entirely in my debt and never to be forgotten. From Toledo, you'll be sent a lifetime supply of baklava and many well wishes from the Klinger family, a tradition that has been carried down since I was a baby with a violin in my crib.
And you can all thank Colonel Blake, who is the most WONDERFUL Colonel of Colonels in Korea. He is supplying the tools and brains necessary to make M*A*S*H Notes a complete success in this camp, perhaps even surpassing Stars and Stripes in popularity. And I have faith in the man, so let's give a good cheer to Colonel Blake!
And now, let's get for the news and more from Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger…
NOTES AND ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM COLONEL BLAKE
This little charade of Klinger's may be the best idea ever to boost morale in this camp full of dedicated, childish people, even those who go over my sleepy little head to those higher up the food chain than I am. However, anyone, and I mean ANYONE, in this camp who helps Klinger with a Section Eight and/or getting him back to Toledo before his Army tenure is finished will be subjected to the same punishments as Klinger himself. Is that understood?!
Now, with that being said, I do want to make a few more announcements. First is, there will be the first Army lecture about the topic of SEX in the Mess Tent this Saturday, September 23. All enlisted personnel are ordered to this lecture, per Army regulations. Officers are welcome, but it is not necessary for them to be present for this…umm, presentation.
Secondly, as a reminder from Majors Frank Burns and Margaret Houlihan, any and all personnel caught with their pants down and any alcoholic drinks in their hands after the scheduled curfew of 2300 hours is subject to punishment as well. All personnel are required to be in uniform (as well as me) and unless specified, nobody will be in civilian garb. There will be no exceptions, not even bathrobes that especially came from home and are trimmed with a special lining that will make the cold more bearable this autumn season.
And finally, anyone with information about the Officers' Latrine Bandit needs to come forward. All Army supply shipments have been stalled, due to a new offensive (the UN pushing up past Pusan, so we can get a move on north), so there will be no toilet paper in the officers' latrine for a while longer. The enlisted personnel's latrine has remained untouched and I must repeat that NO self-respecting officer is to go in there to partake of the precious cargo needed for our butts.
While the above announcement will defer our bandit's little nightly raids, I also understand that magazines are still a little hard on the behind. Toilet paper will be forthcoming, according to Radar, in the next week or so. All officers must be patient and remain calm, especially now.
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! WAR IN KOREA‼
"Remember When?" Contest
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger
Does everyone remember when we were out of World War II? When we all thought that we were on top of the world and our country was one of the best in the world?
Well, I don't. I hope the rest of you do though.
Anyway, we keep getting told that we were so focused on the new NATO thing and General Marshall's new plan, the development of the United Nations and even the threat of Communism that we forgot about little old Korea. We had military advisors there and everything, but we forgot about this little country that was divided after the end of the last war.
On Sunday, June 25, 1950, we all heard about how the Communists invaded all of the southern part of Korea, the Republic of South Korea, as we know it. About five days later, President Truman commits all of us to the fight the Communists and tells the UN that we will fight to the dirty end. Afterward, we're all thrown into this war, the same war that everyone back home likes to call a "police action".
Naturally, as everyone also knows, on Thursday, July 6, M*A*S*H 4077th is established by Major Houlihan and twelve of her nurses. After that, us men came along and command was given to Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake.
Well, this isn't the point of this article, to remind everyone how we all came to this wormhole and why we're here in Korea. What I want to ask everyone is, "So, do you remember when things were so great and we didn't know about Korea?" I mean, did you know about Korea before you came here on a draft?
In about two hundred words or less, we want to know what you remember about civilian life, before you heard of Korea and were drafted or assigned here. Contest rules, other than the word length, are as follows:
-No co-writing with another person
-No obscene language or scenes
-Legible handwriting, no typing it out
-Ask not about supplies being sent here
-NO fashion advice, especially to me!
All entries MUST be put in the locked and labeled box on Radar's desk. Contest ends on September 26. Winners will be announced the next day. The prizes, you ask? Well, first prize gets a free twenty-four hour pass to Seoul, whenever we get up that way and they're free from the North Koreans. Second place winner gets to choose a date for a night, anyway they want it and anyone they want. Third place winners will receive the Christmas Nativity scene that was accidentally shipped to us a few weeks ago. Honorable Mention gets a free night to sleep with Radar's teddy bear.
MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP
My dearest Hawkeye,
Please, I would love a night with you in the Supply Tent, if Major Houlihan can spare me for one magical evening. You seem to be the sweetest man I could ever be with. I only don't know if I am woman enough to share you with the rest of the nursing staff though.
Sincerely, Divine Wrath
My dear little Oak Leave,
Allow me to express the depth of my soul to you. Last night, writing to General Barker like we did, was the greatest joy of my life, in this wonderful paradise. Oh, without this war, you would not come to me, so lovely and vulnerable, and joined your little leaves with mine. Without you, my soul will never be complete. I love you.
More tomorrow, my sweetest princess. Sweet dreams!
Love, your Pumpkin Spice
Lt. Leslie Dish, still calling for Painless Pole! Come in, Painless Pole! Are you still in that coffin in the VIP tent?!
ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MAJOR HOULIAHAN
ALL members of the nursing stall, male and female, are to report to me for a meeting in the Mess Tent tomorrow, September 20, at 0900 hours, and everyone better not have an excuse if they miss it. Anyone on a shift will report immediately to my tent afterward to be briefed on the meeting. The subject of the meeting will be new escape routes, devised by the Army, for our safety, as well as new regulations. Doctors, orderlies and all other personnel are also welcome to the meeting, but are to sit away from the female nurses.
DEAR AUNT SADIE
Dear Aunt Sadie,
I've just arrived here late last month and boy, am I tired of this war already! I don't want to be here anymore. All the staff here hates me, the door gets slammed in my face all the time and everyone ignores me. My nose has been broken a few times. And, worst of all perhaps, people even pry into my personal things without asking. What do I do?
Sincerely, Lonely Greenery
Dear Lonely Greenery,
I don't know what to say. I feel for you, kid. However, you can always act crazy and get a Section Eight. Dress in clothes of the opposite gender. Then, you can go home, be happy and stay with the ones you love instead of the ones who hate you.
Sincerely, Aunt Sadie (who DOES love you!)
Today: Partly cloudy with a chance of showers or artillery in the evening, temperatures being around forty degrees all day and night.
Tomorrow: Cloudy with a chance of all kinds of showers, temperatures being around fifty-five. By evening, we're supposed to be moving if there's fighting showers!
More news later, folks! When all the money is in and the subscriptions have been counted out, then a new edition will be in and more news written down. But don't worry! We'll be back for more M*A*S*H Notes! ~Klinger