I actually managed to write a new chapter! Woo!
Now then, just a few points; You'll notice the narrative structure is completely different in this update. It was just easier writing that way, its also whats given it twice as much length as the other chapters..oops. It might stay like this for future chaps, it might go back to before. Either way I don't think I've got the time or energy to rewrite this atm. So if it annoys you, my bad, I'm sorreh.
Secondly, I've decided to skip to the end of the girl's break in this scene just so's we can get back to school again. But they will be coming back to Taylor's place at some point later. I may even stretch to Andrea's pad ^^ Even though I'm skipping ahead here you can still expect light fluff/smut and angst. It wouldn't really be my story without it :P
Thirdly, there's part of the scrapped chapter in this! Yay! I couldn't just throw away all of it. So if you missed out on it last time, here's a teeny (rewritten, mind) smidgen for ya.
So there are my excuses/notifications. I will be back to edit so don't worry if this makes no sense. I can't promise an Andrea pov update will happen soon 'cos I'm busy with work and things but I am working on it *determined* Cheers for sticking with me and the story! Hope you enjoy the update :)
This one's for Francesca, without whom most of my stories would never have set sail. I owe my entire fanfiction career to her so I'd just like to say thanks for sitting through days and days of emailed stories and for encouraging me to publish them. You're a star.
Can't Say No
I'm smiling when I come back to consciousness. I slowly open my eyes to the warm glow of sunshine peering in through my bedroom window and I happily stretch myself out inside it like a cat. My body aching pleasantly everywhere in response tells me that last night was bloody amazing. Again. I lazily smile when I feel that excited shot of tingles rush through me as I run through the foggy memory of it. All I can see is a blur of skin and hair and frantic hands pressing into me, harsh and desperate. Everything else is really fuzzy. We must have been drunk then. I vaguely remember celebrating our last day alone together with a few traditional Trinian drinking games. I shrug to myself when I can't pull it all back. Whatever. I'll remember it before too long but it doesn't matter much because I already know it was perfect. It always is.
Another bout of tingles hit me with that thought and I shiver from it. It doesn't matter how many times we do it I still wake up like it's the first time. Which should be an embarrassment after what I actually said during the first wake up but it isn't. It's kinda nice waking up to being excited over something. God knows that rarely ever happens for me. I pause myself in the warm sun and pull myself back to that first conversation I'd had with her;
She was smiling to herself, something Andrea rarely ever let anyone see, and somehow that made all this even more better. Her fingers gently stroked down my neck and shoulder, following the skin and muscle down between my shoulder blades before moving up again. My breath kept catching whenever her nails grazed over my flesh and I shivered pleasantly under her touch. Her smile widened into a small smirk and her heart thumped happily under my ear.
We were both still panting a little, trying to find the energy to move. I didn't want to. I was far too comfy laying sprawled across her with my head rested comfy on her creamy pale chest; the same position I'd collapsed into some minutes ago. I was exhausted but in a good way, and every part of me tingled with the electricity of her body touching mine. I couldn't explain even to myself how happy I was.
I heard her sigh content to herself and I smiled at the sound as it passed up under my ear to escape her lips. Christ it was beautiful. But then that didn't surprise me. It was Andrea after all.
"So is we like gay now?"
Andrea froze underneath me for a second and I realised what I'd just said. i was getting ready in my head all the apologies for assuming something like that when she chuckled. I smiled. I felt a little embarrassed. I hadn't meant to say that out loud. It was just something that was running through my head. But she was laughing so she can't have minded much.
She leant down to my ear and hummed into it,
"Well I'm a girl. And you're a girl. And we just had sex. And you're asking if that makes us gay? Do you need more proof Tay?" I hid myself into her skin. She kept teasing me though, "Maybe we should send a video to the girls back home and get their opinion? I bet Kelly and Belle could clear things up"
I hid myself into her shoulder and grinned, "Shu'up goth"
"Make me" she challenged sticking her tongue out at me when I tilted my head back to look at her. I smirked and bent down to her again, shifting myself into positions above her
"Don't tempt me" I hummed leaning in to kiss her. She laughed and then groaned when I started running my hand up her chest. Andrea got the hint then and pulled me down closer, hooking her legs around my waist as I started to suck on her neck,
"Can't help it" she groaned kissing the top of my head.
I just smirked and moved my mouth back up. I was glad she couldn't help it. I loved it. I looked down at her before kissing her and I could see the lust consuming her eyes. I pecked her lips and then moved my kisses all over her face until she giggled at me.
I grin to myself with the memory as I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. That's when I realise the space next to me that should be keeping hold of the most beautiful girl I know is unoccupied. I frown. She didn't have any meet ups with Zoe today did she?
I frown trying to figure it out, jumping as always to silly conclusions. Like, maybe she's mad at me for something? Is Andrea after all. It wouldn't surprise me. Especially not after the other morning when I woke up to her glaring at me because I'd said a few things in my sleep. I mean c'mon, sleep talking definitely doesn't count. She still smacked me for it though.
I feel a tiny edge rise in me as I think about what I could've done wrong between yesterday afternoon and now. Maybe she just realised what's going on and freaked out again. I cringe a little. That was terrible and it keeps happening. It's like Andrea's keeps waking up to the thought of us and it makes her sick. She either flips out or goes insanely quiet until I can manage to get through to her. Either way I go mad with worry. I know she can't help it and I don't blame her. I have tiny freak outs too. Who wouldn't after their entire view on life changes? But she doesn't know what kind of hell that puts me through when she does that. Because not only does it make me question who we are now but who we'll be when we get back to school.
And I'm terrified of that.
I know I have to talk to her about it. We're going back today so there's no more putting it off. I've spent the last week taking her to house parties, showing her the neighborhood, the sights. Trying to put it off. I guess I'm just scared she'll say this was just a half term fling to get all those weird feelings and shit out of the way. Fuck I hope she doesn't say that.
A sharp tapping noise crosses my attention and I lurch up into a sitting position. There's a cool breeze sneaking in from the window and it makes me shiver as it creeps over the naked skin the sheets exposed falling down when I sat up. I ignore it though and settle my eyes on the chair across the room. I smile.
Actually you know what, I don't smile,
I fucking grin my arse off.
"Sleeping beauty's awake then?" She mumbles clicking on the computer mouse.
The amusement in her voice tells me she's known I've been awake for a while without even looking to make sure. It makes my skin tingle and my smile stretch some more. She's sat with her legs up at my desk in a baggy blue shirt I recognise as my own and some cute torn denim shorts she must have been hiding from me all break. Her hair looks a little wet and the patches of skin I can see outside the shirt are flushed a nice natural pink. Even from across the room I can smell coconut. I guess she's been up a while and had a shower.
I snort at her statement and give her a sarcastic expression she can't see because she's got her back to me.
"Did you jus' call me beautiful?" I tease, stretching my arms behind my head and arching up to flex my back.
I catch her gaze locked on my naked body through the screen and I smirk again.
Point to Taylor.
"Hardly. Have seen yourself today?"
I frown at her and look down at myself. Instead of nice clean skin my stomach seems to be lathered in dried white stuff. I scratch a line through it and frown at more clean lines running my side and chest.
Why the heck am I covered in crap?
"Why am I filthy?" I ask her wiping a finger through a white smear by my left hip. I honestly have no idea where it's come from. I'm vaguely sure things went clean last night...
Andrea shrugs, "I just assumed you were born that way"
"No I was- oh har har" She starts giggling and I beam at her back. She's not mad and I'm so happy about that.
I climb out of bed and pad over to her, making sure to stretch some more as I go. Partly for her, mostly because my bloody body hurts like a bitch. How rough did we get last night? I'm tempted to just ask her but I know all I'll get is that tasty smirk and a line on how weak I am. So I swallow down my confusion and approach her from behind. My eyes flick over the audio edit she's got up on screen before I bend my head down to kiss her neck. I would've gone old school and simply kissed her shoulder but she just had to be dressed. Annoying.
"What're you working on?" I whisper crouching down beside her.
I plant my elbows on the desk and lean on them as I peer at the music feed she's creating. It's pretty long and layered, and the track date said it was made today. I'm impressed. I'd only taught her this stuff a couple days ago. My eyes keep looping the date though and I look back at her, worried she was up for ages again while I was asleep. Andrea glances sideways at me and rolls her eyes. It annoys her when I give her the 'annoying bullshit look of concern'. I can't help it if I'm worried about her.
"I'm not sure yet. It's just something I thought of when I woke up today" I laugh and she scowls, raising her hand back in warning that she'll hit me if I carry on. I sober up and shake my head still smiling
"Why is that funny?!" She snaps prodding my neck. I flinch because it's sore there, probably from her, but I carry on smiling. Ain't nothing gonna get me down today
"It's funny 'cause the firs' thing you thought about was music, and the firs' thing I thought was how great last night was," Her gaze melts down from kill to humour and I waggle my brows at her, "Guess tha' says whose more invested in 'dis don't it"
Andrea rolls her eyes again, "Shut up and go shower. You're starting to attract wildlife"
"Easy tiger" I chuckle leaning over to kiss her neck again.
I linger there for a few extra seconds, the smell of coconut and her skin just keeps tempting me in. I reach up to the arm rest of the chair and gently spin her round towards me. Andrea sighs annoyed. She wants to get back to work. Sometimes I can't believe just how focused she can get. It's annoying but admirable at the same time.
"Tay please, you're getting me dirty" she whined pushing on my shoulder. I fought back against her
"Not yet I ain't" I smirk licking a mouth shaped bruise on her throat. She tensed up a moment and I can feel her hold her breath to stop from moaning. I wish she wouldn't. I loved hearing her voice. Especially when it made those soft intimate noises only I was allowed to hear.
"Still want me to stop?" I ask innocently with the tips of my fingers just touching down on the tops of her thighs where the denim cut off. My finger twirls around a loose thread and I tug on it a little so her the leg comes down a little.
Her skin twitches under my touch and I catch her gasping, see her hand curl into a fist on her knee, feel her other hand move back to touch my wrist. My breath blowing on her skin makes her shiver and I tilt my head back to catch her biting her lip. That's like a green light for me so I stretch up to kiss her, scowling a little when I'm stopped halfway by her hand covering my mouth. Andrea smiles at me and leans forward to gently kiss my nose before she tells me again to go wash.
"Only if you come with" I say standing up and planting my feet. I cross my arms like a four year old and give her a defiant look. I'm not going anywhere, it says.
Andrea just smirks and turns her attention back to her music.
"It's one shower. It'll take ten minutes top" I try, pulling on my innocent charm. Andrea laughs though so I know that one failed
"Do I look thick?," Well..., "A shower with you would take most of the morning, tops. Besides, I already washed"
I look away from her back and glare a little at a poster on the wall behind her before I come up with an idea. It's reckless and stupid. I'm either gonna get what I want- which is Andrea naked and wet with me in the shower- or I'm gonna get what she wants- which is me dead on the floor so she can carry on mixing her songs. I bite my lip hesitant before I just go ahead and tell myself to do it. Best case scenario; shower. Worst case; Andrea murdering me. If I think about it neither one of those outcomes is bad.
But I am if I'm thinking that. God I must be masochistic or som'in.
Andrea doesn't suspect anything when I'm resting my hands on the back of the chair again. She probably thinks I've given up fighting and am gonna do what she says.
I lean down and kiss her cheek, smiling when I feel her smile. I moves my mouth up to her ear and nuzzle her hair a little before I sigh against her,
"Ya sure ya dont wanna join me?" I whine delicately against her. Andrea nods
"Pretty sure Tay. Now go away, you're making me dirty again"
"Sorry babe" That has both of us freezing for a millisecond. It's still so strange for us both to hear me say it. I decide to carry on before the silence we're sitting in has a chance to turn awkward.
"So say if you was dirty too... you'd have a shower with me then right?" I say slowly, innocence hitching up even more as I drag my finger across the back of her right shoulder. She nods, not really paying attention to me at all. I bite my grin and lean down to her
"Well then, one thing for it I guess" my hands are running down her back to the back of the chair. She huffs angrily because it's distracting her and she tries dislodging me by rolling her shoulders back but I move my hands away before she can pin them between her back and the chair.
"Tay, seriously..." I don't give her any time to begin a threat. I quickly spin her chair around and dump myself in her lap with a wide grin when she yelps and tries to push me off.
"You complete arse!" She shouts trying to scoot me away.
I nod and wrap my arms around her neck so I can press myself right up against her, smudging her skin with the stuff covering mine as much as I can.
"Guess you'll 'ave to wash again" I sigh doodling on her shirt covered chest with my finger.
Andrea's scowling again when I peek up and I know I've crossed the line majorly. I swallow my smirk and flinch a little over her, blushing a teeny bit because there's no way she didn't feel that. She leans slowly into me and those eyes really get to me the more she glares. I can practically feel the ice they're throwing my way. I shiver and flinch again when she wraps her arm around my back and pulls me tight against her with a long sigh,
"Because it's our last morning alone together I'll let you off with a warning. Next time you try this, I'll kill you"
I laugh then and nod an agreement, even holding my pinkie out for her to accept my swearing. She smiles and hooks her finger around mine before she stretches up to me. I buzz under the feel of her lips on mine and I quickly lick them to savour the taste. I frown to myself trying to work out the new fruity tang.
"Strawberry?" I ask, licking again to confirm it. She breathes out a laugh and the taste gets stronger. I wanna moan. She tastes so bloody nice!
"I was hungry" she shrugged kissing me again. I feel her hand move to caress my hip and I instantly snuggle in closer.
"Couldn't have made me some then?" I joke nibbling her bottom lip where the flavour is the strongest. She gasps when I suck on it and I feel her nails dig into my hip a little harder.
"I'm supposed...to be...the guest. Not...your... maid" She protests kissing me every other word despite herself. I chuckle and accept them hungrily before I reply,
"Guests gotta pay their way too" I argue moving back and tucking her fringe away so I can see her eyes. They're glinting up at me, full of amusement. I wonder what I must look like with all this stuff smudged over me. Something funny by the way she's smirking.
"I honestly thought I was paying my way," she says huskily. My attention snaps straight back to her and I'm concentrating even harder on everything she says, "But if you feel what I'm doing isn't good enough..."
Andrea's hands begin to leave my skin and I automatically cling to her. She laughs in my ear and I roll my eyes at her trick.
"I'll take that as a 'Yes Andrea, you're doing wonderfully. Now just sit here and relax while I go wash'"
I shake my head at her, "You ain't gettin' out of it tha' easy"
She shrugged, "It was worth a try. C'mon, you really are starting to smell"
I nod and and stand off her so she can get up. Andrea shut the computer monitor off and started pushing my shoulder so I'd move. I make myself heavy, purposefully make it hard for her to shove me around, just so she has to spend an extra few seconds touching my skin. She mutters under her breath at me but I just grin and take it.
"You are seriously annoying chav" she growls pinching the back of my thigh. I jump and she laughs before I smack her hand down
"Look who's talkin' goth"
"You know that really doesn't annoy me as much as it used to" I smile at that.
"I know. But I likes sayin' it" I reply taking her hand and leading her across the hall to the bathroom.
I didn't bother shutting the door behind us once we were inside. What's the point? It was only us in the house. Andrea looked like she had something to say about that so I brushed my mouth over her hand to soothe out the anxiety I knew was growing inside her. She just manages a smile and lets me move my other hand up to untuck her, my, shirt. I gotta admit I'm grinning like an idiot inside. Who knew a couple weeks alone with me would get her wearing chav clothes? And more importantly, my clothes.
"Shut up" I hear her mumble as I toss the fabric away. I raise an eyebrow at her, "You're gloating"
"I di'nt say owt" I argue going for her bra.
She smacks my hands down away from her chest and uses my wrist to pull me into her. Her other hand tilts my chin up so I'm looking at her and I see a smug glow in her eyes as they take in my hungry expression. I lick my lips. Damn she is hot.
"Just because you didn't say it doesn't mean I don't know you're thinking it"
"A'righ'. Fair play goth girl" I grumble looking down at the floor. I'm hoping it makes her feel bad enough to kiss me, but Andrea's a lot more hard work than that. She lets me stare at the floor, not even bothering to say anything to make up. And that annoys me.
I glance up again and find her laughing under her breath. My skin flares with an irritable itch, the old one that warned I was about to snap. I push it down though. That's old Taylor. It's not me. Andrea tilts her head and watches me like she can see me fighting with myself. Maybe she does. She seems to be able to read me just as well as I read her these days. Her eyes hold onto mine and that look she gives me makes me think she's trying to work out a puzzle. It makes me uncomfortable, makes me itch.
"What?" I sigh annoyed at the continued staring.
She jumps a little and a red tinge appears on her cheeks. Is she blushing? Andrea avoids my eyes and swings our hands like a little girl. I watch them cut through the air beside us and I smile. She's so fucking cute sometimes.
"What're you staring at?" I urge leaning in to kiss her cheek. It reddens a little more when I confirm that she definitely didn't get away with looking at me.
She coughs and shrugs at me. I roll my eyes
"Andrea.." I sing knowing it'll get me an answer. Andrea can't resist my voice. Who'd have known eh?
"Your face" she mumbles back. I laugh.
"What about it?"
She shrugs, "It's annoying"
"Whys that?" I ask shaking with the fresh chuckles building up in my chest.
She smiles at me and slowly lifts her eyes back to mine. She's so shy it's adorable.
"Because it's over there" she whispers smirking when my laughter dies. I lean in then and cup her jaw,
"Better do somethin' 'bout that then ain't I?" She nods and we both smile as I lower my mouth to hers.
Andrea takes charge almost immediately and as much as I wanna show I'm just as dominant I'm too lazy today to bother. Besides she's grinning like I've just given her a puppy. I honestly don't think I have it in me to take that away from her. So I just hold her with my hands touching her hips, gently stroking her skin, while she kisses the life out of me. I've lost count of how many times she's done that now. Every time she kisses me it's like she wipes the slate clean again. It a wonderful feeling. When she kisses me it's like she's the only person in the whole world besides me. Like she's the only thing that matters. And when I open my eyes and take her in after, it's like I want that feeling to stick around. I want her to be the only thing I ever care about.
I want her more than anything.
She's pretty much trembling under my hands as I move them to slide the rest of her clothes off. I'm worried for a second that she's cold so I hold her closer so my skin lines against hers, making sure to move with her so I don't interrupt our kiss. She moans against me as our skin rubs and her hands slide away from my back and up to my chest. It surprises me at first. Usually she's pretty held back when it comes to this. Usually it takes me to make the first move there. But she's totally on it today.
So not complaining.
"Thought we was gonna wash?" I tease sliding my tongue out across her lips while her palms fondle me into insanity.
She moans again and it sounds annoyed. I wanna smile back. Somebody's getting into this. Her mouth opens a little under mine and we both shiver when our tongues meet. I take the initiative there and push mine further past her lips, slowly the kiss right down and tilting my head a little more so I can explore and tease. I know she loves that. Her hands grip me tight for a moment before she moves herself back away from me. I pout and open my eyes to see her switching the shower on. I wanna smack myself. Why'd I have to remind her why we was here?
Andrea looks over her shoulder at me as she holds her hand under the spray to test the water. Her eyes run down the length of my body and she quirks an eyebrow at me before stepping into the shower. Now I may be dumb but even I know that's signal for 'get your ass in here now'. I eagerly step in after her, moving myself under the water with her and wrapping my arms around her waist. It's not the first shower we've shared, we've been doing it ever since the first night. It's just something we wordlessly agree to doing. It feels so domestic and nice. I'm not scared to admit I've purposefully been pulling her into messier activities lately just so I can get more of this. Don't judge, it's awesome.
Andrea leans back into my chest and stretches her neck back against my shoulder like she always does when we do this. I take the invite and start pressing soft kisses all the way down it, making sure to switch between licking and sucking her pale skin so that she moans deeply.
"You're getting really good at that" she moans scratching down my neck. I shiver all over and groan back at her
'Yeah? You're getting good at taking it" I smirk back. She just chuckles and pushes on my neck so I'll carry on kissing hers.
I swap sides after a moment and lick the warm water off her skin. I so love getting caught up with her in moments like these. It makes the constant half serious death threats completely worth it.
"So why am I covered in crap?" I whisper quietly against her cheek while I reach down to wipe my arm clean. I feel it hitch up under my mouth and I don't have to look to know she's smiling.
"We might have gotten the munchies during our shot match last night..."
My eyes flutter close and I slip my mouth back down to her shoulder. I'm filled with a sudden fantasy of us kissing and licking. Of feeling the cold melt of cream as I spread it across her chest and then the sweet taste of it as I lick it off her soft warm skin. Of seeing the lusting look in her eyes as she slowly licks hers off me.
A wave of warmth spreads through me and I hold her closer with my arousal.
"Shot m-match?" I stammer still choking on my own imagination.
Andrea's smile grows and she tilts her head to look down at her fingers circling my wrist.
"We decided maybe it was worth practicing in case the twins get assigned to our detentions next term" I nod, I remember that much. Everything else though..
"And...?" I know there's a reason for that growing glow in her voice.
Andrea lets out a sweet little laugh and starts swaying a little in my arms,
"And...I may have given you more than me..."
"You little cheat!" I laugh kissing her cheek again. I know I should be mad about that. Once upon a time I would have slapped her for it. But honestly I don't care. She could have fed me that blinding trinsky last night and I still wouldn't give a fuck.
Andrea shrugs and brings her hand up to stroke my jaw, "At least you didn't pass out or throw up this time"
It's like she's in my head. I just smile at her.
She sways again and I bite on my lip when her butt touches my centre, shooting me with another heat wave. Andrea hears my sharp intake of breath and rolls herself back into me a little more with another sweet laugh. She knows she's driving me mental. She knows what I'm like. It won't take much more teasing before I break. Her fingers slip up the back of my neck again, they gently cruise my wet skin. I close my eyes. I enjoy the soft moment with her.
"I liked licking that stuff off you" she suddenly reveals in a quiet husky whisper that sends a deep tremble straight through me, "It tasted really good"
I tighten my hold on her and push her back into me. She's so fucking hot I can't take it. My arms uncurl from around her so I can slip my fingers slowly down her side, quickly inching them even further when her breath staggers.
"I've been thinking.." She starts raising her hands suddenly to overlap mine on her waist. Any other idiot might see that as a cute intimate gesture. Not me. I'm smart enough to know it's to stop my hands wandering more while she talks. Which means whatever she needs to say is bad. I freeze around her and hold my breath.
Who starts a convo now?! I growl internally, trying to reign myself in so she can talk. Annoying doesn't begin to cover it.
I free one of my hands and reach for the shower gel on the rack beside us. Might as well actually wash while I'm here. Resting my chin on her shoulder I gently start rubbing the soap into her left forearm, soothing the fast heartbeat I can feel under her skin, before I scrub my own arm clean. She's nervous. Really nervous. Which makes me nervous.
"About?" I ask when she stays quiet.
I glance back at her and smile at the closed eyes and happy smile, happy she's happy. I bend down to her ear and kiss it slowly as my washing drifts over and up her stomach. It twitches and tenses under the slow circle of my palm, muscles coiling ready for more. I chuckle at the easy way her body betrays her and force my own to remain docile. I'm secretly just as wound up as her right now.
"School," she manages. Andrea opens her eyes and stares ahead at the wall, "I was thinking about school and how this will work"
I sigh and drop my arms from her. Because I know what's coming now. It's been hanging over us for the past week after all. There goes my perfect morning. I pull on a mutual expression and force my voice to stay level when I address her again. Its like we're in that classroom again because everything feels awkward and tense. Like we're both going to explode any second. I take a deep breath to ready myself for it.
Except, she don't say anything.
"Go on. Just say it" I mumble glumly, impatient for her to break me.
"Say what?" She asks genuinely confused, turning herself round to face me.
My mind goes blank as I take her in and my breath escapes me. Andrea can make my heart skip anytime with just a smile but when she's soaked like this, with steaming water pouring over her shoulder and dribbling all down her front, I'm pretty damn sure it stopped completely. I have to shake my head to get back on track to our conversation again but I'm still very distracted by her.
"That you and me is over," I clarify. Andrea stares at me shocked but I carry on, "c'mon we both know you ain't gonna wanna keep this up at-"
"I do actually"
I'm pretty sure my heart just flatlined. My brain definitely did. It's screaming one thing loudly; Well fuck me!
I stare at her trying to work out whether it's a joke or not. She couldn't be that cruel right? I can't believe I'm looking into honest eyes while I drag her words through my head again. It just seems too impossible that she'd want me too. It just always felt like we'd stop holding hands and she'd leave me to get over everything. Like before.
"This," her hands trap mine and she raises them to her mouth so she can kiss my knuckles, "This; me and you... It's..and I'm.., "she lets out a deep breath and looks at me all serious, "Look you know I'm shit with emotions," I nod and she takes another breath, "But these last couple weeks you've made me happier than I ever remember being. It's been great"
"No, please don't. I've been psyching myself up for this all morning. So just lemme finish"
I speechlessly nod and she lets out a long breath again before starting over,
"I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to go back to us fighting everyday just because we have to. It was seriously hard last month because whenever I saw you I kept thinking about the gig and what happened after, and I really really wanted to get that back. But I didn't know how to make it happen. And I kept freaking out over everything. I hated not being able to touch you or talk to you. And I couldn't sleep because I kept seeing you looking so hurt by what I did. And when I saw you messing around with the others..it sucked Tay. A lot"
I nod again in agreement. I didn't realise before how bad it was for her too. I just assumed she didn't care. Andrea looks at me a moment before closing her eyes and squeezing my hands tight in hers. It takes me a moment to notice her fingers are shaking around mine.
"Look, I don't know if I'm gay. I never really put any thought into it because I never had to"
"But?" There's no way I'm letting her leave it there.
"But I like this," she kisses my hand again and smiles, "Whatever this mad mental confusing thing is, whether it makes us gay or not, this is what feels right"
I kiss her then. I have to. There's a billion things I need to say to her but somehow a kiss sums it up completely. I couldn't hold myself back even if I tried. Everything in me screams to taste her, to show her. She's never been so honest with me. With anyone I think. I could tell it's taken her a lot to admit it all. And I don't think I've ever felt so proud of anything in my life. Andrea gasps and it fuels the desperation in me to kiss more, touch more. But she stops me again,
"Tay wait, there's something else I gotta say"
I moan and wriggle under her restraining hands, "can't it wait?"
"No" She sounded very serious then so I moved back.
Andrea lets go of my hand and I fill with a sudden dread that makes the air feel cold despite the hot shower. She's proper struggling with whatever it is on her mind and if I thought it was bad before the tension in here just got a billion times worse.
"I'm..it's... I can't go back like this. Tay we can't. The others won't accept it..a-and..."
I don't say anything. How can I? I want to be with her so bad. If lying to our mates gets the job done I ain't afraid to do it. It's not like it'd be for long anyhow. There's just one thing getting to me;
I feel like her dirty little secret.
Despite everything she just told me I can't shake this feeling that she's ashamed. Like I'm just the one night stand she'd rather forget about. I'm scared we'll get back to school and she'll turn on me like before. I really don't want to go back to that. After nearly two weeks waking up with her and spending all day together I can't really imagine it being any different. The way it was before was hell enough. If I could get away with keeping her here with me I would.
It's not fair.
She's watching me intently, flinching a little when I look back at her. I don't want her feeling like she should be scared to talk to me. Not after this massive breakthrough. So I nod at her and move to wrap her up against me. I stroke her wet hair and whisper soothing words of reassurance in her ear. I kiss her gently so she knows its okay. Then I let her kiss and move hard against me so she thinks I'm not thinking about it. I press myself tight around her, I encase her in my arms and wish and pray she can stay that way with me forever. Her breaths grow heavy and my ears are soon filled with her whimpering my name over and over. It should make me smile. But it doesn't. It should make me ache. But I don't. She shivers from the cold of the wall tiles pressing into her back while I tremble holding her up against my waist, pinning her in place a little harshly because I'm secretly seething underneath. She doesn't notice. She's used to it being rough, she's used to the pain. And I hate that.
I begin to listen to her gasp and shake against me. I feel her clench and tremble. I taste her, savour her. I watch her arch up with fingers knotted in my hair, mouth parted and dripping water as she lets out one long loud moan of my name. I let my eyes touch hers again, sense the warmth directed at me but I don't feel it. It's like it's not there. Like it's meant for somebody else. And I can't stand that. So I move my eyes away, I focus on watching myself push her harder. She doesn't question it. Why would she? She's getting what she wants.
Andrea's nails graft up my back and neck, they leave hot tingling burns in my skin and a blazing trail of hurt in my head. She doesn't like the fact I'm not kissing her as much as normal so takes it upon herself to trade some with me. They're soft and gentle despite the roughness of the moment, they remind me of the side of her only I'm allowed VIP access to. They nearly blindside me into thinking everything's okay. But I know it's not. And she knows.
She starts to really tremble, she starts to bite her lip. I watch the water from the shower run down her neck and cascade around her breasts while she grips me close and bites my neck. My eyes close for a moment, and my hand slows a little against her. I'm trying to capture this moment and memorise it, knowing that over the next few months moments like these will happen less and less. I know that soon all I'll be left with are the memories of these perfect moments. I know I'll replay them over and over again every time I see her face, every time I see her smile at somebody else. It'll hurt. It'll fucking kill me. But right now it's worth it. It has to be.
Andrea whimpers into my neck, she's almost there and the teasing wait is killing her. She growls in my ear, begs me to carry on. And I can't refuse her. I just can't. I'm breathing heavy against her, she's breathing erratic against me. We're both moving as a single unit to get this finished. And when it's all over and she's panting desperately for breath I finally let her down. I want so much to be able to let go completely but this stubborn part of me refuses to. Not after all that time it spent trying to get us to this point. So instead I hold her even tighter and cage her in my arms. She's looking at me but I refuse to meet those eyes. What will they say? Thanks for that now off you pop? No ta.
I breathe heavier than her despite everything. It's because I'm angry, because I'm hurt. She cups my cheek and leans over to kiss my neck. I hide a hopeless whimper and lean into her touch despite warning myself it's probably a trap. But I don't care anymore. This won't happen again. I tell myself to get used to it. Andrea's fingers stroke and drum over the back of my neck while I stand there and reluctantly enjoy it. She pulls me the rest of the way into her after a moment and guides me into a loose hug. That's when I remember she's still after a response to what she said before.
I rest my head against her shoulder and close my eyes to the overwhelming feelings crowding my head, letting the water from the shower wash my tears away before I actually manage to answer her. My voice is strong, hiding any emotion raging under my skin. It keeps up the pretence, let's her think I'm perfectly alright. That I'm not killing myself on the inside. It's only one word. But it's the one thing she wants to hear. So I say it;