I was stunned, shocked into silence. I had just witnessed my idol, Phil Lester die and my other Idol, Dan Howell confess his undying love for him, his best friend. But I couldn't comprehend it. It was too much to think about. So there I was frozen in the door way of Phil's hospital room while Dan sobbed brokenly over his body. I wondered what would happen now, how the Phandom would react. Tumblr would go crazy for sure, everyone mourning the loss of our favorite lion man-child. I also wondered mostly about Dan, how he would react, he would stop his videos for sure, at least for a while. I couldn't even think of the fact the I had just witnessed the very thing the whole phandom wanted to see for as long as they started shipping them, I has just seen proof that they loved each other as more them friends. But I couldn't do anything, what could I do? My seemingly paralyzed state was almost broken by Phil's parents rushing into the room. I still didn't know what to do I wanted to cry, it seemed as though everyone was crying, everyone would be crying once they found out. I must have stood there staring for a while because eventually Mr. and Ms. Lester left and I nearly bumped into a very distraught Dan. We locked eyes he had gorgeous eyes, for them being brown they were the best shade, like melted milk chocolate. But there was something wrong his face was all puffy and red and those beautiful eyes were cloudy with tears. It was then when I felt my own eyes well up, not because of what had just happened, but because his eyes held so much pain I felt my heart break. We seemed to have a silent understanding,

"I won't say anything" I whispered he just nodded mutely.

"I'll be gone for a while" he said in a voice so quite I almost didn't hear it.

"I understand we'll miss you and we'll be here when you want to come back" I murmured something about this whole exchange felt like it needed to be silent, that no one else but us could hear it, that speaking too loudly would corrupt something.

"Bye" he whispered and drifted away. I wondered if this was the last time I'll ever see Dan Howell, in person or otherwise and I hope they he'll be able to move on eventually.


I was numb. I could barely register myself breathing; everything stopped and turned into a numbing cold when Phil's parents came in. I felt like a walking ghost, or a zombie if you ever need anything Dan, feel free to call us I remembered them saying, that was the only thing I could remember after he died. It boggled me that after his son just got struck dead that they would offer his best friend support.I froze when I walked into someone, whoever it was, was shorter than I am, most people are, I didn't expect it to be what looked like a 16-year-old girl. I locked eyes with her and I realized she had seen the whole thing, I felt something under the blanket of numbness, something like shock and worry that she'd just seen me kiss Phil. But the blanket was too thick and the numbness won out.

"I won't say anything" she said. The words bounced around my skull for a moment before I could come up with a response, I knew what she was talking about of course.

"I'll be gone for a while" my mind thought to say; though I'm not even sure I said t at all. I must have though because she answered me like she had heard me.

"I understand, we'll miss you, and we'll be here when you come back" when I come back? Was I coming back? I couldn't think past this numbness, if I was coming back it wouldn't be for a while. I drifted until I was back at my apartment, I couldn't remember getting here, I couldn't remember going into Phil's room and climbing in his bed, surrounded by his stuffed animal collection. I didn't even register my horrid cries that wracked my body or how I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe "Phil" I moaned painfully. "Come back" I must have fallen asleep then, because my world turned a darker shade of black.