I can't believe this is happening. How is this happening? I can't believe I'm pregnant. It has to be Neil's. I haven't been with anyone else, so it has to be him. But why now? Why does this have to happen to me now? I just moved here, just started figuring out my life again and then this happens. I don't want to tell Regina what if she judges me, but there's no way I can keep it from her, especially if I want to keep doing this...whatever it is, hanging out.
I got to the coffee shop early today, after going down to the pharmacy to pick up the test. I couldn't wait until I got home. I had to know now. Pacing around the bathroom, I try to build up my courage to just do it. I had to do the test. I couldn't not, but I don't want to know the answer. I don't want to be pregnant; I'm not ready to be a mom. I know nothing about a family, let alone being a parent. I had this image in my head though… it's stupid really, and there's no way it would happen… but it was the only thing getting me through doing this. If I was pregnant, this image, would get me through… true or not… I needed to focus on that. I took the test and waited, focusing on what I wanted to happen if the test was positive. I imagined telling Regina. I imagined her smiling and hugging me with excitement. I imagined her telling me she was with me for everything. Then I imagined her kissing me, holding our baby, teaching it their first steps. I imagined a life with her. I imagined not my baby, but ours.
I keep hold of that image as I check my watch, and notice that the three minutes is up. This is it. Slowly I turn the test over in my hands.
Regina was due to be here any minute, and I still hadn't controlled myself. When I had turned that test over, and seen the positive sign… I lost it. I couldn't breathe, I panicked! I can't do this! I just can't. I didn't fully believe that it would actually be positive. I didn't think it could be possible, but here I am.
I sat at our table, staring down at the test in my hands, hoping that if I looked long enough it would change. I don't think the waiter came by, at least I didn't notice him. I had blocked everything out, I knew nothing but the test in my hands, staring back up at me. I tried to concentrate on my breathing, I didn't want Regina to see me like this, I wanted to be calmer. I didn't want her to know how scared I was. I try to steady my breath, to concentrate on remaining calm, but next thing I knew I heard Regina's voice across from me, slightly startling me.
"Emma?" I heard her whisper quietly. I didn't want to look up. I didn't want her to see me like this, but I knew I had no choice. I took a few more breaths before lifting my eyes to meet hers. She was looking back at me, confusion written on her face, pain in her eyes. I felt another tear slowly make its way down my cheek. There was no point trying to hide it, she'd already seen me, so I just let it fall. She asked me what was wrong, and gestured for me to hold her hand. I immediately took it, taking comfort in her embrace. I wanted her to hold me, to tell me everything was going to be okay. She was waiting for me to explain. Could I trust her? I know what I want her to say, what I want to happen. I know that won't happen… I know I'm kidding myself, but maybe she will still be ok with it, maybe she won't judge me, and will try to help me. I also had this feeling that she would judge me, judge my actions, and never want to see me again! I couldn't let that happen. I need her too much. She is the only person I have here. I search her face, trying to find any sign that may indicate she will run. All I see looking back at me is someone who cares, compassion, empathy, she wanted to help me.
"It's ok. I'm here." She squeezed my hand trying to comfort me. I withdrew my hand, immediately missing the contact, and brought it back down to my lap. I stared at the pregnancy test in my hands; checking once more that the result hadn't changed. The positive sign still remained clearly on the strip. I took a few deep breaths, and then placed the test between us, trying to keep my hands from shaking as I placed it down. Regina looked down at the test, and back up at me. At first I saw confusion, but soon realisation flooded her features.
"I'm pregnant." I say, trying to sound strong, trying to hide the pain I was really feeling.
"Emma…" I heard her say before I feel the tears starting to fall again. I bring my hands to my face, trying to hide from her. Within seconds I could feel a strong pair of arms wrapped around me, sitting on the seat beside me. She pulled me into her, holding me close, whispering softly to me. I cried into her chest, vaguely aware of where I was positioned, but more thankful to be held and comforted than anything else.
We sat like this for a long time; me in her embrace, her quietly whispering comforting words. I'm sure we looked a right pair to the rest of the café, but that didn't cross my mind until later that night.
It wasn't until I relaxed a little more in Regina's embrace, did I feel her hand on my back, rubbing slow circles while her other played with my hair. It wasn't until I managed to control my sobbing, and regain a normal breathing pattern did I notice her perfume; it was sweet, and reminded me of apples.
I felt her shift slightly, and brush a piece of hair out of my face.
"Are you ready to talk yet?" She asked quietly. I sat up and moved slightly further along the seat, giving her some more room. Wiping away the last of my tears with the back of my hand I looked at her, and smiled slightly, trying to be brave.
"Are you sure?" I could hear the concern in her voice, as well as a softness I had yet to hear from her.
"Yes." I mumble, "I'm three weeks late, and the test was positive." I take a deep shaky breath. She immediately takes my hands again, stroking her thumb over mine.
"Ok, but that doesn't mean that you are definitely pregnant, right?" she questions me, but I can tell she knows it's true.
"No, I am. I know I am. It's so typical." I say, shaking my head.
"What is?" she asks confused.
"Me, this situation, life. Every time something good happens, every time I think I'm going somewhere, something always gets in the way and screws everything up. It happened with Neil, and that's why I moved here. Now it's happening again. I was starting to like it here, I like my apartment and I'm looking for a job. I met you…" I say that last part quietly, looking up to meet her eyes. She smiles back at me, squeezing my hands tightly.
"Emma. This doesn't change anything. If you are pregnant, that doesn't change anything. You can still live here, in your apartment, and get a job. There are plenty of working mom's these days. And… and me? You aren't going to lose me. I'd like to call you a friend, Emma. I haven't had a lot of friends in my life, but one thing I do know is that when you have a friend, you stick by them, no matter what." She looks me right in the eyes, making sure that I understand what she is saying. "And I am not going anywhere."
Hey guys! Handed in an assignment today so felt like I could take another break and write another chapter! Got a big one due next though.. so will be a few days probably until another chapter. Hope you enjoy it! Thanks always for reviews!