40Disclaimer: No turtles. No money. No lawsuits, please.
A/N: Hello all. It's been a lifetime, I know. Where have I been? Long story short: I was deep in depression. Writing was impossible. Reading too. Life even got to feeling like that... But I'm doing a lot better now, finally. And I'm writing again, little by little, even though it's a struggle to get back into it. It's also a joy I'm very happy to rediscover.
This chapter was already written before things went to hell, so I polished it up to give to y'all today. IDK if anyone is still reading my stories, but if you are, then I do apologize for the massive delay. No more rambling. Enjoy :)
Word count: 3084
Chapter 5: Snap
For all of two seconds, Donatello froze. The next, a sai sailed at his head and he ducked to the side. He rolled up, palms spread in a gesture of surrender. Raphael spun on him, teeth showing like a spiderweb, white and with rows weaved tightly together. His golden eyes glistened like glass.
"Raph," Don said slowly, easing out of his crouch. "It's just me. Donatello. Einstein."
Weapons whirled in emerald fingers, catching the flickering store bulb in each rotation and throwing it through the darkening alley. A growl replaced any response. Raphael stalked closer, his chest heaving unsteadily and his arms shaking. Mentally, Don ripped 'recognition' from his internal dictionary and drew his bo. His brother lunged a heartbeat later. Wood and metal met, so quickly that it drove olive knees towards concrete.
The fierceness of Raphael's attacks shook Don more than just physically. His brother was acting as if he were the Shredder, or Hun, or another enemy that meant life or death in a battle. Whatever Raph was seeing, it wasn't good.
Donatello shoved Raphael back, than vaulted atop a trash can. The lid shuddered beneath his weight. From this vantage, Don processed the sweat pouring from his brother's brow, the sloppiness of his footwork as he slid to face him, and the far away look that blinded him to reality. "Raphael, listen to me. Whatever you're seeing right now isn't real. You're safe." He deflected a sai and deflated when his words dropped into the garbage around his feet, useless. "I'm not here to fight, Raphie—"
Said turtle kicked a small trash bin at Don's head. He careened off the bin, its rusty side catching him in its cracks. His ankle twisted, and in a heap he hit the alley floor. Teeth dug into lip and a vicious cry tore free of another's. From the corner of his doe eyes, steel flashed; and his staff was no where in sight.
Don braced for the blow, but it never came. A hockey stick struck the sais, inches from a purple mask, and scraped the ground between the brothers as it came around again.
"Whoa there, man, ya don't wanna do that." Casey filled the new gap. "Trust me, you'd miss the geek too much."
Raphael lashed out like a trampled snake. Prongs caught around the hockey stick handle, and with a jerk the turtle jostled the weapon from the human's hands. With another, the blade sliced into Casey's collar, nicking skin. An instance later, Casey swam in the trash on the other side of the alley.
Using the wall, Don drug himself to his feet. His left ankle throbbed like a maggot infested carcass, and screamed as if it lived as it was consumed. He shook his head and hit the emergency button on his shell cell. It beeped. Raphael took aim again.
The red-banded turtle's breaths rasped out thinly, but his chest heaved in lungful after lungful. What was this? Not another seizure. At least Don dismissed that thought as Raph stalked towards him, as unrelenting as a long starving predator.
Before he could lunge, burly arms wrapped around his, pulling him back just long enough for Don to jump in. He grabbed his brother around the middle, and together they tumbled and met the ground. Raph's head snapped back, hard enough for Don to wince at the sound. But the genius pushed on, pinning the younger's hand down and prying his weapon free. Casey followed suit. Disarmed, Raphael bucked beneath those who held him. He twisted and snarled and dug his heels through the trash for traction.
"Get. Offa. Me," he grunted.
Casey cast a look to his left. "What's wrong with him?"
With a hopeless shake of his head, Don leaned over his brother. "Raph, listen to me," he ordered, voice dropping into a fragile detachment. "It's Don, your brother. What you're seeing is a delusion. Look at me." Sometimes indifference was impossible. And the plea that breached that final sentence proved so. The purple-clad turtle bit his inner cheek, hard, and held on despite the younger's struggles. Hearing any member of his family in pain hurt; it hurt in a way that words failed to describe. It carved him out, left him hollow and aching. In these moments, if he could, he'd take the affliction on himself. This was different. The agony trembling in Raphael scared Don more than a bullet in the thigh. He could fix that. What he glimpsed as his brother glanced from the sky and into his quickly paling face couldn't be mended by his hands.
For the umpteenth time since this nightmare began, Donatello didn't know what to do. There was nothing to do... except make sure his little brother didn't harm himself in this state.
Forcing a breath, Don felt around in his duffel. When he pulled out a needle, Casey's eyes widened. The moment of shock coupled with Don's single handed grip was all Raph needed. He surged against the pair like lightning into a wire, and like fuses they both popped. In that blackout moment where confusion overrides fear, an emerald elbow slugged into a nose. Stars burst in blue eyes, and Casey stumbled back an inch. In the next blink, a knee entered Don's gut and made off with his air.
Freed, Raphael flipped to his feet. But his stand soon staggered. Dizziness drug him off balance, and like a drunkard he dropped to hands and knees. Trash cans went with him; like friends they huddled around him and emptied their waste. He swam in it, head grasped in sweating hands with a pain that blinded him
Adrenaline snuffed out Donatello's own suffering, and he found his footing. He limped forwards, every limb reaching for the fallen.
"...no, no, no, no, no..." Gruffly, Raph's words wet the ground. They stopped his brother where he hovered, less than a foot from him.
Uncertainty closed around Don's wrist and jerked it back. So he stood there, giving space but ready to help. In his inner ears, he heard his voice droning instructions. "Raph, you need to calm down. Deep breaths. Slow inhale. Slow exhale. Just breathe with me. Inhale... exhale."
In the flickering light, Raph's skin paled like ashfall in the night. He shivered even in the heat. Through his teeth, breaths came and went thinner and weaker than ancient thread. Any minute now, he'd pass out. Just as Don accepted the thought, a new one formed. Fingers groped for his brother's shell. Before they could touch, Raphael swung.
The jab knocked Don back, and in the new opening the younger ran. He bolted through the street like a phantom fleeing hell, flashed from existence in blocks of darkness, and disappeared around a bend. A car sped by as Don moved to follow. Casey yanked him back before the headlights hit him, then took the lead. On the corner, Don cursed under his breath.
At his feet, a shell cell rocked.
And Raphael was nowhere to be seen.
Donatello limped back and forth in April's living room, his staff tapping along in his white knuckled grip. Through a black eye, he analyzed the floor. Sais sulked in his discarded duffel. The condensed explanation of events still hung in the air like nerves on unwashed clothes. The eldest watched without a word. When he received the distress signal fifteen minutes earlier, the fear of witnessing another seizure wiped all other possibilities from his mind. By the time he and Mikey arrived at the alley, Raphael was gone. They canvassed the area and found nothing. Without the cell's tracer, finding him fell to the old fashion way: a city wide search.
Onyx eyes shut, briefly, and when they opened, a plan blinked to life. "Casey's already searching north," Leo said. "I'll go east. Mikey, take west. Don, you stay here in case Raph comes back."
Purple mask tails waved him off as the pacing continued. "The probability of him coming back here is nil, Leo. I'm going."
"You're injured," the leader nodded to the ice melting in April's grasp.
Don spun once more, guilt glued to his mouth. "I'm the one who took Raph topside. If I hadn't, he'd still be stewing in the garage."
"Not your fault." Following Michaelangelo, Leo backtracked to the window, his hands held in something between dismissal and surrender. "And I am not going to argue with you right now. Just stay put."
Before the genius could speak, Leonardo slipped outside and left him and April alone. On the rooftops, he ran. He ran with worry at his heels, and fear on his shell. Building after building passed, every leap more reckless than the last as thoughts ate tomorrow away like rust. Storming off in a fit of rage was one thing; running away from a brother you nearly skewered was another. Leo and Raph shared more commonalities than either would like to admit. The pipe incident and the maiming of Splinter's ear created another unspoken bond between the two. Leonardo knew how guilt felt, knew the kind that gutted you like a Thanksgiving feast and left you wondering over the remains. Left you wondering how alive you really were when you could come so close to ending a life that was as much yours as it was theirs. It didn't matter who's veins spat up blood, or who's skin bruised beneath the blow, Leo felt it as if it all belonged to him. Raph, he knew, did as well.
He took the high road tonight, hiking up the roofs like a set of stairs. If Raph hid in some alley, the strategy would backfire; but after everything Don had said, something tugged Leo towards the sky.
After hours of silent searching, Leonardo paused on a high tower in the city and panted. His legs shook from the running. From here, he could see dozens of rooftops. Here, he scanned the shadows for a thrum of life. A brush of movement. Anything at all. Temptation leaped to his throat and ached against his teeth. It begged to scream. To yell out for Raphael until his vocal cords failed him. At the very least, the action would alert his brother to the search. He'd know they wanted to find him. And if he remembered the confrontation with Donnie...
Leo scrubbed at his mouth, not wanting to return to that train of thought. A gargoyle gawked at him as the turtle edged around the narrow ledge of the building. Again, the lower shadows were empty. When he turned the next bend, his steps faltered. There, just feet away, Raphael leaned against the stone facade, statue still sans the trembling in his fisted fingers. Leo swallowed hard.
Now this was a scary sight. He expected to find him pacing, or punching a wall, or even staring into a death inviting expanse. Not like this. The hush that hung around him was wrong. So wrong that the relief of finding him never came.
"Um..." Leo eased towards him, unsure if he should speak. "Hey, Raph?" No answer. "Raphael?" He skimmed his brother's shoulder, and almost flinched from the coldness of his skin. It got the younger's attention. Like a brittle leaf across a concert lane, he whirled away, reckless, without balance, and impossible to stop. Instinctively, Leo grappled for him. Raph only backed further away, the bottom of his shell scraping concrete. Behind him, the ledge closed in.
Dark eyes widened. "Whoa, it's just me!"
"Leo," and it sounded like a plea.
Six inches from falling hundreds of feet, Raph swayed where he sat and swapped looks with his brother. Leo nodded; smiled, but it smoothed as flat as week old soda. "I'm here."
"Why?"
That took the eldest aback. He cocked his head as if spying a worm. "Why... not?" he asked slowly.
Raphael said nothing. As if waking from a dream, he blinked repeatedly, rapidly. He dug his fingers into his temples and clenched his jaw. Warning bells shot through Leo's head alongside the wail of a siren below. He dropped into a crouch so he was level with his brother and crept forwards.
"Remember our deal?" The words came in a thin wisp, caught up by the wind and whipped around; beaten and bruised, they met the younger's ears. Between blinks, understanding brightened those gold stained eyes. A chin, still clamped shut, lifted and fell. "I give you some space and you let me know if everything's alright; tell me how I can help." Another nod, this one quicker. Leo offered his hand. "We shook on it."
Heels inched in, shifting to fold beneath the hothead, but he didn't move to meet his brother. Loose stone retched into open air as Raph stood up. Every part of him dripped like melting lead. It burned around him. He himself burned with the knowledge, with the weakness that made his legs wobble and his stomach wedge itself into his throat. Oh how he hated this.
A reassuring smile rested around Leo's next words. "I kept my end... no mother henning. And a deal's a deal. Just let me help."
"I'm not the one who needs it." He cringed at the strangeness of his voice; too much grit, not enough volume.
Leo shrugged it off. "When has that ever stopped me from trying?"
"Ya don't understand. I'm fine. I—I don't need ya, Leo."
Well that stung. "But I need you."
"That's not what I meant." Fingers locked behind a stiff neck. "It's just... just..."
Feet shuffled forwards, so slowly that everything else seemed impossibly fast. A coal gaze narrowed at the path the other paced. Raph was too close to that edge. "Everyone else is pretty worried about you, too."
"Shit," and the syllable tripped twice, stumbled out in a stutter even when there was no room for it. Behind him, the night circled like an amused crowd. It reached for him with endless arms and a howling scream that chilled Leo to the bone. As if knocked by a physical blow, he staggered back and back and back—
"Raph!"
But the lunge fell short as Raphael sidestepped almost instinctively. Pinwheeling for balance, Leo jerked against the building and released a pent up breath. At the corner, without anywhere left to go, his brother stood staring over the city. The distance between them choked Leonardo like dust. Danger dragged through battle worn fingers and a fear soddened mind. Focus, the eldest reminded himself. Just like any battle, letting emotions cloud his mind now could mean death.
Before another attempt at securing his sibling could be made, Raphael spun on him and spat, "I killed someone."
The admittance sent a foot sliding away and brought understanding in a hasty exhale. "Don and Casey are both fine, Raph. You didn't hurt them." Much.
His brother remained balanced at the edge without a vestige of acknowledgment. Did he even remember attacking them? What else could this be about?
"No... not—not talkin' 'bout them." He shook his head. "It was someone else... someone... not a Foot or a Dragon either. They—they stabbed me and I... and I..." In a whine, guilt fell free and flaunted across the ledge. It giggled at Leo's fear and glided far out of reach.
Somehow, stoicism stayed firmly on the leader's face. The shadows ate anything that it couldn't hide; and the wind warped the worry from his words into icy fact. "I know something happened that night, but that just doesn't add up. You didn't have any wounds, and there wasn't any blood on you—yours or anyone else's."
"I ain't makin' it up, Leo."
"No, I believe you."
"It happened. I know it happened." Fiercer, he repeated, "I ain't makin' it up."
"I didn't say you were."
As if suddenly speaking to someone else, Raph changed gears. His muscles pulled taut and the steadiness of his mouth morphed into two misplaced commas. Blood shot eyes drifted to look beyond Leo's shoulder. "I ain't crazy."
"Of course not." He stepped into his line of sight. "You're just a little confused right now. Donnie said that was a possible aftereffect to the seizures, remember?" When all he received was a mournful stare, he motioned for his brother's hand. "Here, why don't we go ask him?"
Brows pinched. "Who?"
"Donatello," he answered slowly. "He's back at April's. Come on, it won't take long."
But the world had split down the middle. On one side, Leo reached. He ached towards that divide, focused on little more than getting his sibling to safety. On the other, Raph spiraled in a reasonless hell. The shadows lived and breathed; they stroked against him and through him and shook him to his core. He was slipping. He could feel it like a blade in his side. Feel it like the rush of blood from a wound. In his eyes, the confusion was clear. His fear mirrored Leo's own.
The words shared on that rain soaked rooftop not long ago slithered back into the eldest's mind. You're the one who should be careful, his brother had warned him, you've fallen off more buildin's than me.
Surely, he couldn't have meant... no. It was all in jest, wasn't it? A poke of fun at loaded facts, just like always. Doubt crept upon Leonardo like a midnight monster from beneath his childhood bed. That rickety rational he clung to clattered from his hold and shattered across the seen and the known. As clearly as he saw the evil in the shadows so many years ago, tonight he saw the truth to something thought so innocent. It was written in Raphael's eyes as they tore away from his and peeked to the swamps of pavement below. His words that night were a threat.
"Raphael, don't do this."
At his sides, his fists slackened. "I don't wanna hurt ya."
"You won't, bro. I promise."
"Ya can't do that," Raph said, half laughing.
"Sure I can." He placed his palm on his chest. "You're always calling me 'fearless leader,' right? Well, let me live up to that title. It's only fair."
The appeasement hung in the air, as close as Leo's hovering hands, and as far as the ground dozens of stories down. In the span of a blink, in that fragile moment between an exhale and one ever dwindling inhale, something snapped.
Raphael stepped off stone and the street surged to meet him.
A/N: Thank y'all so much for reading! I enjoy reading your thoughts, even if I have been awful at answering reviews, so please feel free to leave anything you'd like in that box down below.
And if anyone out there is feeling like shit, please reach out to someone. Anyone. Don't go through that hell alone :(
Cheers! Your Red Writing Rebel