"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You're far away Kurt.
What shall I do?

It's been a month,
almost a year.
The stains on my cheek
are only for you."

Blaine mumbled as he circled his room for the 15 time since he came home from his lecture. He sat at his desk and wrote in his notebook. His tears hit the page. It has been like this for weeks. Ever since Blaine graduated from McKinley and went to Yale to become a Doctor just like his dad wants him.

Don't get Blaine wrong. He loves it here. The friends he's made are great but he's just not happy. He knows a part of him is missing, the part he used to think he'd never be apart from. His roommates didn't know anything was wrong, How could they? They didn't know him before.

Blaine softly closed his little note book that lives in his draw of the bedside table. His little book filled with sketches, notes, poems and random facts about one Kurt Hummel. Everything that made Kurt to Blaine is in this notebook. No-one else needs to know what's in it. Not even Cooper who came down and visited a month ago. Cooper knew not to try any more to get Blaine to move on. It never works out well, for all involved.

Page 12:

Shining like a star at night
He walks with his pants on tight,
Smiling like he's the one on top,
With those glorious dark raven locks.

This little passage was on Blaine's first day in new directions. The smile on Kurt's face when he saw him: for the first time in the choir room. It was like Christmas had come early. The grin stretched from ear to ear. It was the start of the best time of his life. Just like a roller coaster, the bad made the good seem so much better.

Even though it was the start of all the drama that is McKinley, it was also the start of the drama that Kurt liked that made up his life. There never seemed to be dull day. Whether it was Kurt putting bronzer in his hand moisturiser or diva offs. The drama that made Kurt to Blaine seemed to have rubbed off on him. Like him becoming the new Rachel.

That one day was a defining moment. Along with any time Kurt comes towards him with a smile on his face. It lights up his world and causes butterflies. It brightens up any day. Especially the days where Dominic (Blaine's dad) tries to force him to go down the career path he doesn't want to go. Blaine wants to become a kindergarten teacher; he just adores the little children.

Those days made him laugh now. How he wished he could go back and do it all again. Most people are happy to never step a foot back in their high school. Not Blaine though. Those corridors are full of life and laughs. The love of his life and friends and everything lined those halls. To think if Kurt had never transferred and they'd never have met, Blaine may have never known how happy he could be. He may have been happy now but now he knows what he's missing.

He misses the smile, the holding hands and the secret messages they send each other when their eyes lock. Even though it hurts now, it's like the saying: it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.

Page 45

The simple things in life happen when I had my north star. My north star made everything easy. The way his hands move, express his desires more than anything his words say.

One of Blaine's fondest moments with Kurt was lying in his back yard on a towel while his parents were out for the weekend. They were gazing at the clouds looking for shapes. Basically goofing off. Kurt was trying to prove that a random cloud was a rabbit with a unicorn. His voice had gotten high and loud as he tried to fight his corner, but Blaine wasn't paying attention to his words. Kurt's had stretched his hands towards the clouds and then they took a life of their own.

They stared making random shapes as though they were trying to become the cloud. They twisted and entwined. Just looking at them made Blaine want to keep this mini argument going: so that he could continue watching his hands. Instead he slowly traced his fingers along his arm to Kurt's hands.

He held Kurt's hand in his and started tracing his veins. Blaine barley registered that Kurt had stopped talking and had turned to watch him. Blaine just brought Kurt's fingers up and kissed each knuckle, then his finger tips and then his palm, after he started to nuzzle into his palm.

"What are you doing?" Kurt whispered.

"Shh." Blaine mumbled against his palm before slowly trailing butterfly kisses up his arm and neck until he reached his chin. There he finally looked into Kurt's eyes. Searching for a few seconds for something that no-one knows but everyone finds. Leaning down he capture Kurt's lips in a soft kiss. He drew back a bit and saw Kurt's eyes closed.

Before Kurt could even register the loss, Blaine surged forward and gave Kurt another light kiss before adding more pressure. Kurt open his mouth and in slipped Blaine's tongue. The dance they were both familiar with started. This moment was safe, this moment was home. Nothing else matters and nothing else ever will.

Parting, they both sucked in lungs full of air. Smiling at each other, Blaine rests his head on Kurt's chest. Fingers slipping though the tight curls of Blaine's hair, those hands are saying I love you in their own way. At least the only way Blaine cares. Too many people use words and never mean it. His father says he loves him but only if he does as he's told. He knows Kurt's not like that but personal matters are hard to break the doubt. At least his dad only gives him the minimum contact such as a pat on the back for good grades.

Laying on the blanket in the garden on the warm summer's day was the most relaxed Blaine had been in ages. Being with his boyfriend made it possible. The sound of the birds doesn't even annoy him like they usually, in fact they added to the peaceful feeling.

Page 90

"Everything in this room reminds me of him! We were a dynamic duo in here. Kurt was my anchor, and now that he´s gone I feel like I'm floating."

The day Kurt had to leave for New York was the worst day ever. Kurt needed to go; he needed to live his dream. If he stayed in Ohio he would have been stuck and would have ended up depressed. It was the hardest thing to say to Kurt. Losing him was like losing part of him. No matter what he did, a half of him was missing. Nothing will replace Kurt in his life. It was hard for Blaine to contact Kurt as it just reminded him of the distance between them. If he could have it his way, there would be nothing that would remind him of Kurt.

His dad keeps telling him that it'll get easier with time and he'll find someone else. It doesn't get easier and there never is anyone else. Coppers a great help when he comes home but Glee is the one thing that helps him the most. Singing takes him to his safe haven in his head.

All the songs force him to think and feel a certain way, a way that he definitely isn't feeling at that moment. The constant revision and homework doesn't help. It allows his mind to wonder to dark places, the only things that it does is keeps his hands busy.

Everyday feels dull and like washing hair. School, Glee, Home, Homework, Eat, rinse and repeat. Even things that used to excite him seem dull and boring now. Blaine can tell his mom is getting worried. He knows in a bit she'll start talking about him seeing a shrink. Out of his parents, she's the only one who understands and supports him. She's the only one who cares about him and what he loves and enjoys.

Behind closed doors she'll encourage him to go to NYU Wagner to do the Medicine course his father want him to do. Unless his father gets to his mum first; convince her it's not in Blaine's best interest to be there as it's full of distractions. In that case Blaine will end up being the one stuck. His dad wants someone to become a doctor like he is but Copper was obviously never going to be one. Everything is so unfair!

Kurt touched such a deep part in Blaine that anytime he decorates somewhere he does it with Kurt in mine. Would he like that couch, that colour on the wall, that picture placement? Everything revolves around Kurt. Without him nothing feels right. Nothing feels like real life. He is just a character in someone's book who has to just go through the motions but never actually putting any effort in. It's amazing he has not been kicked out of university yet.

"Every night and day
I lay awake to say,
I will always live
For the love you give.
Simple words we'll never say,
Feelings live for another day.
With all my love I have to give,
I'll let you go so I can live."

Flipping through his little notebook, Blaine sighed. "I need to see a therapist. I can't live this way anymore. I need to move on."

With a deep steady breathe, Blaine stands up and places the notebook in the bin. Of all the things he's learnt is that if he keeps this notebook he can never get over Kurt. This book defines Kurt and after 3 years of no contact, it's time. He knows letting go is hard and he'll need help but he needs to be in control of his body again. For too long has he kept Kurt close, too long has every other thought been about Kurt.

Without another thought he went on his computer and searched for a psychiatrist and booked an appointment. It took him most of the afternoon to find a local psychiatrist with a decent cost. After booking an appointment for the next week Blaine leaned back in his chair and gazed around his room. The four tiny walls had seen the best and worst of his separation with Kurt. His roommates will be excited to learn he may be finally ready to date. They'd been trying for years to get him to go out with someone and his only excuse being that his work load was too great. Yeah it was large but not enough to stop him for looking for someone.

He debated calling or texting Copper to tell him the good news but Copper is in London doing a small time TV show. It'll be early morning by now there and Copper, in no shape or form, is a morning person. He feels the lightening in his chest at his heart finally fixing. It should have never come to this. It should have been Kurt and Blaine until the end of time, both of them against the world. If he had tried harder they could have remained as friends.

The worst thing about hindsight is that you only get after a decision. Be it wrong or right. If we could see things in hindsight before they took place, no one would make a bad decision. The notebook was a bad idea in hindsight but Blaine needed a place to put all his thoughts and memories of Kurt. Without those pieces of paper the memories would have haunted him and slowly turned him crazy. Especially those first 6 months without Kurt where it hurt to say, think and hear his name.

Standing up he made his way into the living space of the apartment. The room was small but homey. Beneath the TV was a games console with all the games a guy could wish for. Blaine wasn't interested in them and made his way to the kitchenette. The food in there was fresh, just what he needs after long day of lectures and labs. He wished the other guys where here to talk to. He needs the distraction to stop him getting cold feet.

Making a quick ham sandwich he walked over to the couch at turned on the TV. Sticking Iron Man 2 he settled in for a boring night in. 20 minutes later a knock sounded at the door.

The guys normally lose or forget the keys, they know Blaine never leaves the apartment. The rule from the start was if you forgot your key, you knock and don't holler. They learned quickly that if they shouted at him to open the door he wouldn't let them in. This is the one thing Blaine was adamant they do. It stopped them coming home in a drunken stumble and shouting at the top of their voices. They still got drunk here and shouted in the apartment but they were never locked out for half the night.

Giving out a quiet groan, Blaine made his way to the door brushing crumbs off his jumper. Pulling open the door with a stern face he froze. He was not expecting this. In front of him, in all his glory was Kurt.