Disclaimer: It all belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien, and with good reason too. Sorry old chap, but I only write this to make a point- I mean no disrespect.
Note: I wrote this when I was particularly annoyed with the amount of crap listed under LOTR at , meaning to make fun of the horrendous amounts of bad fics. Then after I ranted, I left it on for a week, got embarrassed, and took it down. Now I'm putting it back up. Call me indecisive.
The Return of the Ring
A sillyfic by Coke
Jan 15, 2002
Frodo awoke with a start. He could feel the evil in the air around him…it was back! The ring called to him, whispered to him. But how could that be? He himself had lost his finger to the creature gollum and the ring had been cast back into the fiery cracks of mount doom some five minutes ago!
He sat up, reaching into his pocket, realizing only afterwards that the ring was not there. Wiping his brow, he crawled out of his hobbit bed, pulling his tunic and breeches on to walk into the night air. There he saw Sam, strangely, standing by the garden he tended, looking up.
"What is the matter Sam? Do you feel it too?"
"That I do, Mister Frodo. The ring…it's back!"
"We must call upon the fellowship once more!" Frodo exclaimed, one hand pointed in the air.
Sam raised an eyebrow, and Frodo shrugged. "It was supposed to be a surprising shock to the readers, so I had to say it with some spunk. For it's such an original plot device, don't you think?"
"Oh of course, Mr. Frodo! No other writer has ever written that the ring would return or that the fellowship must form again! Completely creative." Sam agreed vehemently.
"Good. So when do they arrive?"
Sam, unfortunately was confused again. "What do you mean, Mr. Frodo?"
"Well its obvious that the fellowship has psychic powers that let them know when to meet for adventure. Even Boromir."
"But isn't he dead?"
"Not for long."
At that moment, Boromir stepped out from behind a tree. "Hello Frodo, hello Sam!"
"Boromir!" Sam exclaimed happily. "You're back!"
Boromir rolled his eyes. "Of course I am. The Fellowship alarm went off. The ring is back then is it?"
"We dread it so." Frodo replied with sorrow.
At that exact moment, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas arrive from behind the same tree Boromir stepped out of.
"Hullo!" Pippin cried, and Sam and Frodo smiled to see their old friends return.
"Where is Gandalf?" Merry asked, and Boromir replied. "He's old, so he doesn't get to appear in this story, for nothing is more of a turn off than foggy old men."
"I bet he's off with Saruman." Frodo mumbled, and all of the Fellowship shuddered
Aragorn sighed, feeling the weight of kingship upon him, and was glad to become Strider once more. The beautiful elf princess Arwen whom he had married was beginning to bore him. Seriously, a man can only stand so much of a beautiful woman. For his heart longed for another, though he dare not act upon it. He had discussed it with Arwen, and being the beautiful fair being that she was, thought no ill of him. Yet he still did not want to risk it. Perhaps when the time came…
Shaking out of his reverie, Aragorn returned his attention to the hobbits, grinning at their childlike antics, even after going through so much.
"The fellowship alarm went off. The ring has returned, has it not?"
"I believe it so." Frodo answered, voice wavering with weakness for no apparent reason other than to need Sam to support him.
"So that means Sauron has returned as well?" Merry asked uncertainly, fear planted across his face.
The others stayed silent, only answering the question further. Legolas blinked, and suddenly Gimli began to drool. Backing away slowly, he said, "I feel the evil in the air, and it makes me afraid for I am a hot sexy elf who needs comforting." Almost all at once, Aragorn, Boromir, and Gimli tried to jump him.
Aragorn won the fight, kneeing someone in the head and a good elbow to another's privates. He strode up to Legolas, strong and manly, and the elf only clung to him and sobbed brokenly like a woman.
Then as soon as that had begun, it stopped, and Legolas stood tall and proud. "I must become the ring bearer now!"
"Yes! Yes!" Frodo agreed. "Here take it!" He shoved the ring at Legolas, who quirked an eyebrow at it. "You had it all along Frodo?"
Then a second later, both Legolas and Frodo fainted into Aragorn and Sam's arms respectively.
After a moment, they both awoke, and Legolas taking the place of ring bearer, even though he was an elf and the ring was like acid to him, carried it around his neck.
"Oh no!" He exclaimed, "I forgot to tell my abusive wife that I have left Mirkwood!"
"Oh dear." Boromir responded, shaking his head. "This means there was to be a long and strenuous sub plot where either Aragorn or myself need to protect you from her and teach you to stand up for yourself"
Suddenly, Aragorn felt a twitch. "Wait a minute…aren't I supposed to be deeply in love with the fair Arwen? Why am I pining for Legolas?"
Legolas let out a long sigh. "Because everyone is supposed to, you twit, and I must end up saving the entire middle earth while making a heart wrenching sacrifice to end my life to let my one true love live."
"Wait, who is your one true love then?" Gimli asked, for he was forgotten in this story as nobody likes Gimli because he isn't nearly as hot as the others.
Then a tall elf walked from out of the trees, her hair was a deep violet, strange for elves let alone men, with shining eyes of the same color. Her lips were red and voluptuous, and she was shapely, wearing a short miniskirt and halter top that for some reason existed in Middle earth. Her smile was dazzling, like twinkling stars, and every man, hobbit, and dwarf was mesmerized by her.
"I am his love…my name is Mary Sue." Her voice was like a beautiful harp that strung a gracious melody of stars.
Legolas sighed. "But alas, I am torn between Mary and the self inserted author who wants to do the rumba with me- so I must angst for a good fifty pages.
Aragorn shook his head again. "Wait…no…"
Boromir elbowed him. "If you question it, bad things will happen."
Aragorn furrowed his brows. "Like what?"
And suddenly Aragorn looked like he was only twenty years, with ivory skin that contrasted with his raven black hair making him as beautiful as an elf. Boromir's jaw dropped open, walking forward as if in a trance.
"Snap out of it, Boromir! There is something weird going on here!"
Aragorn took out Anduril and smacked Boromir's head with the hilt, effectively knocking him out of it. They both glanced back at Sam and Frodo to find them gazing into each other's eyes, the same with Merry and Pippin. Aragorn raised his eyebrows. "No! Stop it!" he yelled, causing all the hormones to stop for a moment. "I don't believe this is how we're supposed to act. I mean, why the hell would I not want a babe like Arwen?"
Then suddenly there was a rumbling noise, and all of Middle Earth shook. The grass began to break apart, and Legolas clutched to Boromir's side in fear, who then after a moments consideration, wondered what the hell he was supposed to be afraid of from a big hole, and stepped away.
Out rose a huge and powerful being, her voice booming.
"I AM FANGIRL! COWER BEFORE MY POWER OF SLASHINESS!" She threw her head back and let out a menacing laugh that chilled each member of the fellowship to the core.
"You!" Aragorn exclaimed. "You're the one behind this!"
Fangirl laughed evilly. "OF COURSE I AM! ALL OF YOU ARE HOT GUYS AND THERFORE MUST GET IT ON!"
Aragorn paled. "But I love Arwen!"
The fangirl hissed in pain from the word uttered by Aragorn's lips. "NO! YOU MUST NOT SAY HER NAME! IT IS A CURSE TO ALL OF US SLASHY FANGIRLS!"
Frodo shook his head. "But why?"
"WE MUST NOT HAVE A FEMALE TO INTERFERE! THEN WHERE WOULD THE SLASH BE!? NOW, WHY AREN'T YOU ALL GETTING ON WITH IT?"
Aragorn stood his ground. "I for one, will not give in to your manipulations!"
Legolas nodded. "I agree! I am the one tortured the worst of all you fangirls! Just let me sail off to the gray havens in peace!"
Fangirl yelled in anger. "NO! WE SHALL NEVER LET YOU GO!"
"Run for it!"
The fellowship scattered, and fangirl rose to her full height, towering above the small and insignificant fellowship. "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME! MY POWERS SHALL REACH ALL EDGES OF THIS WORLD AND ALL OTHES! AHAHAH!"
"What do we do?" Gimli gasped. Legolas turned to him "Gimli! You are the most immune to the power of the fangirl, you must make this stop!"
Gimli blinked. "How?"
All of a sudden, music flowed through the air, angsty and romantic…
"Oh no…" Boromir said with dread in his voice. "It's a songfic. Cover your ears! Do not listen to the music!"
But Aragorn reacted to slowly to Boromir's warning, and turned longing eyes towards him.
"No Aragorn! Fight it!"
There was an internal fight going on, and Aragorn began to shake with exertion. Frodo yelped as all three hobbits began to crawl towards him…
There was no escape…the fellowship seemed doomed. Mary Sue only walked around in circles, apparently oblivious to the battle waging, flipping her purple hair. Gimli gasped for breath, and crawled out of the hiding place, enduring the songfic that the fangirl was so relentlessly using as a weapon.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT DWARF? CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT YOU HAVE LOST?"
Gimli suddenly had an idea. He took of his beard and prosthetic makeup, and there stood John Rhys-Davis looking peeved. "I don't need this." He said and wandered off to complain to his agent.
The effects of the song began to dissipate, and the fangirl stood with her mouth hanging wide open.
Frodo stood and the magical hairdresser from oz poofed in and gave him a much needed haircut. He then chucked off his prosthetic feet, while the other hobbits followed his suit.
The fangirl screamed in rage as her effects on the fellowship fell dead, and she fell in power.
Legolas took off his wig, ruffling the mohawk underneath, changing into his Taxi Driver T-shirt to become Orlando Bloom once more.
Her screams increased in pain ash she sunk down into the floor, writhing in pain.
"DON'T THINK YOU'VE DEFEATED ME! OTHERS STILL GAIN MORE POWER! THE FANGIRLS WILL NEVER DIE! WE STILL HAVE OUR REAL PERSON SLASH!"
And with that final shriek, she disappeared. But the actors was still nervous. Was what the fangirl said true?
Orlando only sighed, sinking down onto the grass, glancing down at the chain to find the return of the one ring gone. "It is over for now, but how long before the next?"
Viggo patted him on the shoulder…and the moonlight glinted off of Orlando's hair, making him seem more fair and beautiful….
Okay, that just got sillier as it went. Sorry. I'm done ranting for the time being. And no, I don't hate slash, I just dislike it much when its done as disgustingly as it is in this fandom. If you write lotr slash good enough for me to like, you deserve a cookie. So far, it seems like I wont be giving out any. And I like Legolas, but give the guy a break! No offense to any of the actors, but I had to jab at RPS too… its just… wrong. That's my opinion, so flame if you want. I don't give a crap.