Catcher in the Rye Parody of Rise of the Guardians
OK so if you really want to know, I'll tell you my story but I gotta tell you its really depressing. You'll probably want to know about my childhood to start and all but I can't tell you because I don't remember. I've been dead since before the Dark Ages, ah the Dark Ages that was the least boring time for me because everyone feared me it wasn't the least bit lousy, for me anyway. You wanna know something that really depresses me is that no one can see me, I mean they can't SEE me, they walk right through me and everything its goddamn depressing. Anyway my name is Pitch Black and I'm the Boogieman, and I live under a bed, I know right its so damn ironic, it kills me. So I was talking about how no ones even afraid of me or anything it's annoying for chrissake I'm the guardian of fear and no ones afraid of me what's up with that. I just want to feed on the goddamn fears and nightmares of children. This is really depressing.
The good guys are huge phonies. How boring. I call them The Big Four; the Tooth Fairy hah that kills me, the Easter Bunny, that kills me even more, (I mean really a giant bunny hopping around bribing children with boiled eggs that just kills me), Santa Clause and the Sandman. I really hate that guy, the Sandman I mean we're basically archenemies, well everyone who doesn't want children to fear me is my enemy but that guy is my total opposite and get this the guy can't even talk that is so boring. They're all just a bunch of lousy phonies.
So anyway I was trying to take over the world with fear and all because I just wanted some one to SEE me for chrissake and then this white haired kid I mean really he had WHITE hair anyway I tried to shoot the breeze with him hah that kills me because he controls the breeze or wind whatever and they're friends for chrissake that kills me you should meet the kid he's a real queen. Well he is the Spirit of Winter. Anyway he totally denies taking over the world with me which I think is stupid because he wants to be seen too. Hah a neutral party my ass he totally stopped me from making all the kids stop believing in the Tooth Fairy by stealing all the kids teeth that hold the memories of childhood and all the fairies.
Ugh that just pisses me off, I offer him a perfectly good deal to have every child in the world believe in us, I mean what goes together better than dark and cold? And he says he doesn't want children to fear him hah that kills me because what do you think my job is for chrissake. I just want a goddamn friend for chrissake so I can rule the world with darkness and black. That really kills me. No one understands darkness. Anyway after that total failure, yea I know I told you it was depressing, I went after the Sandman because without him spreading good dreams I can send my nightmares, and all the children will stop believing in the rest of the Guardians because they will be too afraid, so I take him out.
And then I went after Easter because it means hope and if the kids don't find any eggs then they will give up hope and stop believing in the phonies, goddamn I'm a genius. So anyway I was THIS close to taking over the world with fear, I mean I had at least a million Nightmares at my disposal which was actually not depressing for once.
And The Big Phonies all come very pathetically I mean because they are all weakened since no kids believe in them and the Easter Bunny is a cute little baby rabbit for chrissake and they try to stop me and all but I am too powerful. But that one kid that refused to stop believing I think his name was Jamie or something anyway that lousy Jack Frost, you know that phony white haired kid I was talking about, he convinces this kid to believe when he was just about to give up and they go around and gather his friends to believe. But come on I'm the goddamn Boogieman what are a couple kids gonna do.
But I underestimated the power of belief because right when I was gonna get rid of the rest of the Guardians the children step forward and when they touch my Nightmares they dissolved into dream sand. Goddammit I was so close I just want to be believed in can't they understand! Anyway the Sandman comes back and beats the shit out of me, he's tough for a mute and thats the story of my total failure. Goddamn thats so depressing and when I thought it couldn't get any worse my own Nightmares attack me because I was the one scared for once and they drag me back down under the bed to where I live, maybe that phony Bunny was right maybe I do belong down here. Goddamn thats depressing.