19Disclaimer: I'm not Ms. Rowling, but I like to play in her sandbox, torture her characters a little, and then go home and amuse myself with my own toys.
A/N: Suggested to me by back in February: "Tonks' initial reaction to finding out he's a werewolf…"
And this is a stand-alone one-shot, but if Guessing Game had a sequel, this would be it. More harmless, but no less blatant, flirtation.
1995
"Why didn't you tell me?" hissed Tonks, throwing Sirius a glare that would have sent a chill through the heart of a dragon.
Sirius stepped back in sheer surprise. "Tell you what?"
"That your friend was a werewolf, for God's sake. I have just made a complete arse of myself!"
She'd be lying if she said the very possibility of interaction with Remus Lupin didn't give her butterflies at the pit of her stomach. His jet-coloured eyes and soft smile were the reasons she'd asked Sirius to introduce her to him in the first place; if 'introduction' meant being pushed in someone's general direction. She didn't know what Lupin must think of her, but she couldn't imagine ranking very highly in his estimations.
Sirius frowned deeply. "What's that got to do with anything?"
"Look, you sat next to him. Did he mention me at all? Did he say anything?"
"Why should he have? What on earth could have happened?"
Tonks clicked her tongue, rested her weight on one leg, and aimed her response at the bookshelf. "I might have asked him who he thought the werewolf could be."
Sirius only raised his eyebrows.
"I was trying to make small talk, all right? I didn't bloody know, did I? It's the sort of thing I thought you might have mentioned to me as a heads up before I went in."
Sirius shrugged. "I don't see how any of this is my fault."
Tonks sighed. "I know it's my own fault. I just think you might have warned me, that's all. It seems like the decent thing to do."
"Really? I think the decent thing to do would be to ignore it. He gets enough shit from everybody else without having to cope with it here. And besides, if you came in here with a disease you'd caught unawares, I wouldn't take Remus to one side and say, 'Oh, by the way, watch out for Tonks; she's got crabs.' How would you feel?"
Tonks only looked at him.
"Tell me how that's any different from what you suggest I should have done."
Tonks rolled her eyes. "I'm not saying he's a bad person and I'm not saying I'm judging him."
"Well good because most of the people who sat around that table, one way or another, owe him their lives - just as he owes them his. No doubt, by the end of this, regardless of how you feel now, you'll be glad of him."
"I'm not saying I'm not glad of him now," she protested. "I like him and I want him to like me. I just want him to know that I'm sorry and I didn't get chance to apologise because you called him away and I'm worried I won't get the chance now because he'll be angry with me."
Sirius visibly relaxed. "Oh." He shook his head. "Oh no, he won't be angry with you. He'll think you're perfectly justified to leave a room when he walks in; that's the worst of it."
Tonks ran a hand through her purple spikes, crumpling several. "Is he still here?"
Sirius shook his head. "Usually, but he's got plans tonight."
She stopped herself asking what sort of plans he might have. He was very attractive and very funny, and the thought of him laughing at her with a woman he didn't think to be a silly little girl playing war games, made her feel a bit sick.
"Oh." She slumped and backtracked hurriedly. "Not that I thought he'd be waiting for me to apologise before he ever left the house again or anything. I just wondered if it was possible to see him now. You know how these things are; always much more awkward when you leave them to fester." She laughed nervously, the accompanying smile not quite managing to reach her eyes.
Tonks had the distinct impression she was being appraised as Sirius brow furrowed ever so slightly. He seemed to come to a conclusion, which she prayed to every God she knew of was incorrect, and a funny little glint shone in his eyes.
"It's his mother's birthday."
Tonks offered the same shaky laugh. "That's nice. What are they doing for it, do you know?"
Sirius laughed. "It's just the two of them."
Tonks shook her head vigorously. "I wasn't asking that. I just wondered if they were doing anything nice." She reached for her coat, still hanging from the hat-stand beside the front door. "Well, um…look, tell him I hope he had a lovely evening and that…ask him if he thinks…or…I'll see you next week."
Sirius waited until she'd almost closed the door before calling out to her. "Bit old for you, isn't he?"
Tonks froze, wondering what the appropriate response was. They were family, after all. Had he not spent twelve years wrongfully imprisoned, she thought they could have been friends. But he had spent twelve years in jail and they weren't especially close.
"Oh don't be ridiculous," she said, closing the front door behind her.
She Apparated from Piccadilly to Islington in order to reach Grimmauld Place in time to get Lupin on his own. Her hands shook with nerves. She had no idea what she was going to say to him. She wasn't even sure whether she wanted him to be in or not. If he was out, maybe she could just have a whiskey or three with Sirius and then, when the time came to apologise, she'd have crafted a blinder of a speech.
But he answered the door and Tonks found herself lacking both a speech and the power of it.
"Oh, thank goodness it's you." Lupin offered her a small smile. "We don't usually get visitors. I was beginning to worry. You're a little early, I'm afraid. I was about to put the kettle on. Would you like some tea?"
Tonks nodded. "Thanks."
Wondering if 'we don't usually get visitors' implied Sirius' presence, Tonks followed him down into the kitchen in the cellar. He busied himself with the leaves, wondering aloud why any sensible human being would not buy teabags, but he gestured for her to take a seat in the otherwise empty kitchen.
"Where's Sirius then?"
Lupin shrugged. "Probably sleeping off last night by now."
Tonks laughed. "Whiskey?"
Lupin turned to face her. "Whiskey played a part in it, yes. Not sure if it had the title role, but it was almost certainly a prominent member of the supporting cast."
"What happened?"
"He woke me at half past one this morning and announced that he was going to light a fire. I thought this might mean in a grate and I told him he was a big boy now and he could probably manage it alone." Lupin's smile was strained. "I didn't think he meant he was going to light a bonfire in the garden and burn half the library. Sugar?"
Tonks shook her head, but said, "Yes please. Sorry, you threw me a little."
Lupin took the seat opposite her. Having run out of things to say to her, he took a sip of scalding tea and winced.
"Look, I wanted to apologise for last week," said Tonks, smiling sadly over her mug. "I would never have asked you about it if I'd known you suffered with it. I shouldn't have asked anyway."
Lupin blushed and peered into his tea as though something had been written at the bottom of the cup.
"And I hope you can forgive me."
Lupin shook his head and said quietly, "There's nothing to forgive. I'm rather pleased actually. You're the only person who didn't know what I am and at least everybody left it to me to tell you. The fact that I didn't have the nerve to tell you outright and made a bit of a song and dance of it, is no reflection on you."
She reached across the table and laid her hand on his, forcing eye contact. "You did not make a song and dance of it. I pressured you into it and I feel awful." He glanced down at her hand and she removed it as though she had been burned, willing her cheeks to a brilliant white to hide her blush.
"Really, it's quite all right. I'm glad that after it, you're at least willing to have tea alone with me."
Tonks grinned. "I'd like us to be friends. I know I didn't act like much of a friend to you last week, but-"
"Please don't worry about it."
Tonks bit her lip, wondering whether she ought to admit she had spoken to Sirius about it. "I've been worried about it all week. I felt terrible. I talked to Sirius after the meeting. I'd meant for him to pass on my apologies but I thought that was a bit wimpish."
Lupin laughed. "I'd have been here myself, but I had to make tracks. I was already late and it was -"
"Your mum's birthday. Totally understandable." She took her first sip of lukewarm tea. "He's very protective of you, you know."
Lupin didn't like to tell her this was likely down to guilt, so he smiled elusively.
"He said that nobody ought to concern themselves with it. It was your business and that person would have to be a moron to catch anything from you. I've been thinking about it and he's right. I mean, it's not something you can control and if I were to put myself in harm's way, then that would be entirely my fault. To be afraid of you would be to openly admit that I'm the village idiot."
Lupin threw his head back and his laughter was louder than she'd ever heard it. "There are plenty of reasons to be afraid of me." His eyes twinkled; his smile was obvious despite his lips remaining perfectly straight.
"You live with a Black. I'm sure there are several very good reasons."
"Does this relate to his twelve year stretch for murder or his brilliance as an arsonist?"
"Possibly his creepy side-kick."
Lupin raised an eyebrow. "I hope you're not referring to me."
Tonks laughed. "God no. The elf."
Sirius trudged down three flights of stairs ten minutes later and Tonks desperately wished something would distract him. She enjoyed being alone with Lupin and she couldn't bear even gentle teasing about it.
"Hello, young lovers. Oh good," he said, reaching for Lupin's mug and finishing the cold contents, "you made tea."
Lupin stared incredulously. "It was cold."
"It was vile," Sirius replied. "But then, you've always made disgusting tea." He turned to Tonks. "It can't be just me. What does he do, let the teabag see the water and then put it back in the jar?"
"Teabags? I wish. Do you have any idea how fiddly tealeaves are?" asked Lupin. "Besides, I like it and it was my tea."
"It was bloody stone cold!"
Lupin smiled almost sweetly. "Don't you have something else to set alight?"
"You if you keep on." But he departed shortly afterwards, nursing a fresh cup of tea and a tumbler of Firewhiskey for 'medicinal purposes'.
"Has to be said," said Tonks, "you do make terrible tea."
"That's the last time I make it for you."
"Thank heaven for small mercies."
He offered her a half-smile that made his eyes light up. "Touché."
"It's like dishwater."
"I won't ask you about your research into that."
They were conversing just as easily as they had done before Tonks thought she had utterly disgraced herself. He laughed at her jokes, smiled warmly across the table, and she thought just once he might have been flirting with her, but she supposed that was the result of an optimistic imagination.
Regardless of what he was, or what he thought he was, Tonks couldn't help but wonder how a man like Remus Lupin could possibly think so little of himself.