Digging Deeper

A/N:
So here it comes...

A little story at the beginning of what gave me the idea to write this FF.
I had a huge relapse after 276 days of fighting.
And I talked to a friend who does not know about my hidden struggles...
Well, long stories short, I just sensed that it is kind of strange to talk to someone about different things but all I myself could think about were my scars and cuts and band-aids... The other person would never find out and yet maybe be confused about some of my reactions...
So I know I am rambling and what I wrote above does not make sense, but maybe out there is someone who actually understands it ;) Let me know.

Without further ado...

Have fun reading! :)

1st chapter: CALLIOPE

Geez! Am I nervous! I hurry from one side of my apartment to the other, spotting something that needs to be cleaned up everywhere.

Suddenly a knock.

OK, last check up: Candles lit? Check. Wine? Check. Delicious food and dessert? Check.

So now I am sure I can open the door and be a good hostess.

I smile towards the petite blond: ''Hey! Come in. Even in time.'' Arizona smiles equally bright but gives me a soft scoff for my last comment about her punctuality.

''Thanks for the invitation. I was really looking forward to it.''

I take her coat and put it into the wardrobe next to the entrance.

''A glass of wine?", I offer which she takes grateful.

''Make yourself comfortable. Have a seat...''

I head one last time back into the kitchen before I take the chair opposite her.

After quite a while of smalltalk I notice her sitting with a stiff back.

And her body is under hell a lot of tension in general!

Maybe Arizona had a hard day at work with a long lasting operation during which she had no time to take a seat. Maybe I should offer some relaxation...

I mean I am famous for my ability to ease off muscular strain.

''You seem really cramped! But if you want I can massage you. And I am famous for those highly trained skills. I had a lot of practice already.''

I dare to laugh about my own joke in order to lighten the mood and take its seriousness away, but Arizona does not seem to find it a funny thing to say because she has a pained look in her eyes.

As if she remembers being punched into the stomach...

''Oh, what a nice offer. But you really don't have to do this. I usually tend to be tense in a new surrounding …''

Oh. I am a new surrounding?

But we already had a few dates...

While we eat I notice her left hand going down toward her lap and stroking her jeans gently.

Has she clammy hands already? Do I maker her this nervous or did I do something wrong?

''If you want to you could take a shower or so …'', I offer politely.

Again this hurt in her bright blue eyes.

What the hell?! Did I actually offer her to shower?! What kind of an idiot am I ?!

What should she think about me now? That I assume she smells?

"No, but thanks for the offer. Again. But I … just...''

''Then let us just eat for now. We can discuss everything else later.''

I see a smile appearing on her face. She seems happy and exclaims with a million watt grin that barely reaches her piercing blue eyes: ''Yes! That's a good idea... You are a great cook. Everything tastes so delicious! I am glad we did not agree on holding this dinner at my condo, because I have not even half the cooking abilities you have!''

Another minute of silence with only cutlery scraping on plates.

''So, Calliope, how was your day?''

Yes … Great! I had a fight with Mark … But I won't bring this up now when we both seem on ease.

''It was great, really! I reconstructed the shin of a 26 year old soccer player. And how was yours?''

I can see her inner fight. Her hesitation clearly in her wide eyes and drawn together eyebrows.

''Mine was good, either. I saved a tiny boy who suffered a pneumonia but actually should get a tumor removed from his stomach. Just the ordinary, you see?''

I laugh at her plain description of her obvious talent.

''Did you roll to the OR with your Wheelies and performed some magic with fairy dust?'', I ask with a smirk on my face.

''Yes, you got it! All success is to blame on the fairy dust!'', she laughs either while drinking a small amount of wine.

I get a little more serious again because her smile captures me.

Whenever I see her laugh-wrinkles she kidnaps me into her magic world where everything is possible.

''Were you always this funny and cheerful nature?''

This awkward smile that does not reach her eyes again.

''Indeed. I always cheered up my family and classmates. I could make them laugh whenever they were sad.''

When we start to love, life begins to tear pieces from us and we fight until the end to put a little amount of them back in place.

Arizona never seemed to have a problem with putting those pieces back … Maybe I can borrow her super glue.

''So I guess your parents were happy to have a live wire as a daughter. It is a pleasure to have a daughter like you'', I say digging deeper in my mind.

My father would have been glad to have such a happy daughter.

I used to be the outcast that sat in the back of the classroom chewing on her hair.

But Zona must have been the perfect daughter!

''Tell this the Colonel...'', chuckles, ''But my parents also had their fair amount of struggles with me... but which parents don't?!''

We both ease into a comfortable laughter until silence dominates our dinner again.

Not much later we finish the dessert and I am curious about her plans: ''What are you up to? Watching a movie in pajamas and eating popcorn?''

The she cringes again. Is it because of me? Do I press her too much? Do I make her feel uncomfortable?

''… or something else?'', I suggest quickly, ''Bedroom maybe? … I mean only if you want to stay the night, of course!''

Oh, idiot! I wanted too fast too much and now she will leave because she feels trapped. Great, really well done, Callie. Now I screwed up and scared her right out of my door!

But Arizona replies in a totally different way: ''I'd really love to!''

With great joy in one second but a moment later this bubbly mess is gone and makes place for a darker expression I never saw on my blonds' face before.

''But if you don't mind … there are a few things you should know before we let ourselves enter this in a rush-''

OK... now she literally scares the shit out of me.

But I do love her!

So I brace myself for what may come before I not: ''All right. Go on!''