So I've been catching up on last season's Covert Affair episodes, and I was really looking forward to the scene where Joan told Arthur about her relapse. Then they just sort of skipped over it…So I wrote one…This does not fit into the series exactly, but this is how it would have gone if Annie had not burst into the room. Hope you like it…
Oh and the title is a David Bowie songs because all of the season 3 episode titles are David Bowie songs…
Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Spoilers: Man in the Middle
"I need to tell you something," Joan said quietly.
Arthur turned away from the door. "What?" he asked her. He did not want to believe she was having an affair, but he also did not like the way she and Seth kept sneaking off. It did not seem like a good sign.
"I've had a relapse," she told him, "the pills…" Her sentence trailed off, but it did not matter. He knew what she was telling him. She looked at the floor ashamed of her own weakness.
He walked back across the room to stand in front of her and reached out to touch her face. "Joan," he said softly. His hand caressed her cheek and guided her face upwards so that their eyes met.
Immediately she dropped her eyes. "I'm sorry," she told him. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, but she fought them. She was not going to cry. She had sworn to herself that she was not going to cry.
"What happened?" he asked her.
"I don't know," she said shaking her head. "I was trying so hard to get my department in order, but the harder I pushed the worse things got."
"Annie," Arthur said. It was not a question. He knew how much trouble the young operative gave his wife, and he also knew that she cared for the girl deeply.
"It's not her," Joan said, "Well it's not just her. It's a lot of things. It's no one's fault except mine. I was stressed, and I thought that just one couldn't hurt. Then one became two, and damn it."
She could feel the tears burning at her eyes, and she knew Arthur could probably see them. She had always believed that she was smarter than this, that drug addiction was something that happened to other people. After she beat it the first time she swore she would never go back, but she had. She hated herself for that. She could not fight it any longer, and the tears began to fall.
Arthur pulled her into his arms, and she buried her face in his shoulder. The tears fell silently. It had been a long time since he had seen his wife cry, and he knew how much she hated it.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice slightly muffled by his shirt, "I should have told you sooner. I should have gone to you first, not Seth."
"Why did you go to him?' Arthur asked. He was willing to admit he was a little hurt that Joan had not trusted him enough to come to him.
"Because I wanted to protect you. I didn't want you to have to lie if they polygraphed you," she told him, "And Seth had a connection to the program." She paused, but she hated keeping secrets from Arthur. She lifted her head so that she could look at him. "And because I was scared of what you would think of me."
"Oh Joan," he said, brushing a few strands of her beautiful blonde hair out of her eyes. "You never need to worry about that."
"I wouldn't blame you for thinking less of me," she told him quietly, "I hate myself for being weak and stupid."
"Hey," he told her, "Listen to me. You are not weak or stupid. You are under a lot of pressure. Hell, I don't know how you do what you do and still keep it together. Everyone slips up sometimes, but your going back to meetings right?"
"Yes," she replied with a small nod, looking at the floor again.
"You are my wife, and I love you," he assured her, "Nothing will ever change that."
She lifted her eyes to meet his. "Please don't go to the hotel," she asked him. Her eyes still glistened slightly, and he could see the tear track on her cheeks. "I can't take you leaving right now."
While they had talking, she had pulled back slightly so they could look each other eye to eye, but his arms were still around her. Now he pulled her back against his chest, her head coming to rest on his shoulder again. "I'm not going anywhere," he told her, "I promise."
"Thank you," she told him. She found his touch comforting. She always had. He was her rock. "Because I don't think I can do this on my own."
"You don't have to," he said running his fingers through her hair, "we'll do this together."
"You don't need one more battle to fight right now," she said, suddenly remembering how full his plate was and how stressed he had been of late.
"You're my wife," he reminded her, "You're battles are my battles, and I'd rather fight them with you than leave you to fight them alone," he paused for a fraction of a second, "or with somebody else."
"I told Seth I did not want to keep meeting with him," she told him quietly, "I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that something else was going on."
"Will you be okay without your sponsor?" he asked her concerned. Whatever he felt about Seth, he cared about Joan's well being more than anything else in the world. If she needed Seth to support her too, he could learn to put his dislike aside.
"No," she told him, "Seth and I…we were…we are…It's complicated, and that is the opposite of what I need right now."
"What do you need?" he asked her, his fingers rubbing circles on her back.
"I need you," she said, "I need to know you'll be there."
"I will be," he told her, "I promise. Whatever my job at this agency is, it is secondary. I am your husband first." He knew that he had not always acted in accordance with that statement. There were numerous times where he had put his job ahead of his wife, but he was done with that now. That statement was a promise that he had his priorities in order, and Joan took it as such.
For several moments they just held on to each other, but finally Joan spoke. "Can we go home?" she asked.
"Yeah," he told her leaning down to kiss her, "Let's go home."
It's been a while since I wrote Covert Affairs, but I will always love these two…I hope you liked it.