This is a proof of concept/WIP, if people like the idea I'll continue this, that said.

Like a certain 'Angels Blessing' I just have to say this

"Yeah, you read that right. Yeah, you wish you had thought of it first."

Shirou Emiya. In Soul Calibur.

Shit. just. Got. Real.

Of course, unlike most author's who would have made this story a gritty story of love lost and bitter tears. I will not be doing anything of the sort. I hope to make this story as comical as possible, mainly because I write comedy, that's what I'm good at. (I do it for teh lulz) So anyone expecting sad moment's of bitterness that rend the heart and soul of the reader... To you I give to you the mental image of Shirou dual wielding Soul Edge and Soul Calibur while teabagging both Nightmare and Siegfried. Double dip and sip, extended pinky of course... actually, now that I think about it... I expect this to be a thing at a certain point of the story, because that mental image is too funny not to use. Expect teabagging from our hero at some point in this story, because that is now a thing.

Fic o the day:Zero's Noble Overlord by Shintouyu Louise summons a Good alignment overlord, well sort of good alignment. He'll still maul anything that moves if it threatens what he owns but overall The Overlord in this story isn't a jerkass or chaotic.

Song/s of the day: 8bit Persona 4 - I'll face myself Continuing with the persona theme today, some 8-bit badassery.

Word/s of the day: Exacerbate v. Make (a problem, bad situation, or negative feeling) worse

Disclaimer: I don't own Any of the Fate or Soul Franchises, those are owned by the people who own them.

-ooo-

"Talking"

'Thinking'

"/Dark/evil creatures talking"

"/Dark/evil creatures thinking"

Narrator i.e. ME speaking (Because that's how I roll. Plus you can imagine me speaking in scene breaks riiight now)

-ooo-

Chapter 1: Of Souls, Swords and...

Transcending history and the world. A tale of souls and swords, eternally retold. Until now.

An old man stood upon a hill, watching the battle below him unfold. It was a battle since ages immemorial, a tale of two swords, eternally bound to fight one another.

Soul Edge. The Evil Great sword that corrupts the minds and wills of any who come into contact with it.

Soul Calibur. The Holy Great sword that was forged from a fragment of Soul Edge to be it's ultimate bane .

Two swords. Two destiny's.

The old man, Wizard Marshall Zelretch watched the two warriors battle. The first, a terrible creature known as Nightmare. A creature of corruption and evil given form by it's swords' corrupted power. And the other, a young cursed human by the name of Zeigfried who wielded the only weapon that could destroy Soul Edge. They both struck, fighting it out for supremacy, knowing that neither would win in the end and the status quo would forever remain the same.

The old man smirked, remembering another tale of souls and swords, not as eternal but no less entertaining, though the boy turned man had ceased being amusing after he had completed his destiny. It was sad to think that his destiny would end in him becoming a Counter Guardian and start the bitter process anew when his future self met his past self in the present (AN Yeah that's trippy) but...such was fate it seemed,

The old man's smirk turned vicious "Let's change that little detail, shall we?" And in a Kaleidoscope of energy the man disappeared from the hilltop overlooking that battlefield.

-ooo-

Shirou Emiya, a man well into his 20's, his skin a dusky tan and auburn hair going prematurely white, eyes that used to be a honey golden had turned a slate gray. He was a man cursed with a superhero complex. A man who spends his every waking moment in the pursuit of saving others, every moment spent brings him closer to his eternal damnation and his future life as a Counter Guardian at the hands of Alaya.

Shirou could feel his time drawing near. He remembered well Archer, his future self that had tried to kill him during the Holy Grail War to create a paradox and make sure he never took the Counter Guardian job in the first place. He looked like him now, same features, same clothing, almost a reflection of the man he was to become. He knew he would have to make the choice soon, he had already mastered Unlimited Blade Works due to his copying of Archer's memories and abilities. Now, he was but a few gray hairs away from an almost complete resemblance of the man.

Sighing, the boy turned man pushed those depressing thoughts away and to next remember his ex-lovers. Rin and Saber. Years ago, right after the end of the Fifth Grail War they had been happy to be with each other... but then Rin had been invited to The Association by a very well to do Noble that had sponsored the promising girl. It was a once in a lifetime thing for a Japanese magus and sadly Rin took it. Sad, because he couldn't join her. She had offered to make him her apprentice but that idea had been quickly shelved. Shirou was a unique magus who used entirely unique magecraft, something that Rin had no experience or skill with. The only real way to progress Shirou's skills with his magecraft was to use it in the real world, applied to real world problems.

It was one of the reasons why he always considered himself a terrible magus. Where Rin would tout the academy and study of magecraft, Shirou had always been more for practical application, a blasphemy in the eyes of most magi. Of course, Rin was always more accepting then most, in her own stubborn way she had cared for him and he for her.

As for Saber... She hadn't taken well to his refusal to accompany Rin and her to England. She had pledged and oath to Shirou to remain as his Servant despite her contract to Rin, a mutual situation for all three of the lovers. She had nearly drawn Excalibur to flay his hide when he had made his declaration of going on a journey to find himself and to come to terms with who he was. The two girls knew what he was doing, they knew that he was going to end up just like Archer if they weren't with him to guide his steps.

He had fought back their anger, even threatening Saber with Rule Breaker if she didn't allow him this. A knight's word, due to the oaths they make throughout all their lives through the many orders of knights that have existed, their word became something of a Noble Phantasm. A Knights oath was a pseudo magical contract and Rule Breaker still applied in this case.

That finally had them relent, they didn't like it, but they knew they couldn't change his mind if he was willing to use something like that to convince them. So, reluctantly, they let him go. It was as much of a mutual break up as was possible at the time and a sad day for the three of them, but in the end it was inevitable.

Now, standing here, feeling his time drawing near, all he could do was make a choice. Sacrifice his morals and innocent souls? Or sacrifice himself?

He had already made his decision.

Or at least he would have had an old man not appeared 5 inches in front of him and greeted him like they were the best of pals...

Wait what?

"Hello Shirou Emiya." The old man in front of him greeted, slapping a hand down on his shoulder.

"Uwah?" Came the barely understandable reply from the flabbergasted man.

"Oh don't be like that!" The old man laughed heartily. "I've just come to keep you from making a silly decision." The grin on the man's face grew wider. "That and I'm bored, so I've come to stir up a bit of entertainment."

"Uwah?" really, this was beginning to confuse the poor sword wielding magi.

"The name's Zelretch!" He happily boomed. "And I've got a bit of a story for you."

Shirou's face paled at the older man's name. Wizard Marshall Zelretch, a man known for his flighty personality along with his cruel and sadistic humor. A man known around the world for one thing above all others.

His use of The Second Magic: Kaleidoscope. The ability to travel across dimensions at will.

And this ridiculously powerful, batshit insane man wanted to tell him a story...The root preserve him because Gaia sure as hell wouldn't.

Shirou tried to back away from the man but he was surprised at the deathly powerful grip on his shoulder. Looking from the hand to the man's face, he noticed that a very disturbing smile had made it's way onto the Wizard Marshall's face.

"Don't try to run away now." He spoke in an eerily calm voice. "I've got a tale about two swords that I'm willing to share with you."

Now that had the white haired sword user's attention. Swords were one of the few things that could calm him down in a stressful situation and this was no different. So he reluctantly stilled, allowing the man to speak.

And so Zelretch gave the boy an abridged version of the history of the twin swords, Soul Edge and Soul Calibur. The sword magus sat there in rapt attention as he listened, a sucker for stories of heros and villains duking it out for the fate of the world. It was a practically wet dream of his since he turned the proper age to actually have wet dreams.

"And even now they still duel, the fate of the world hanging in the balance." The elderly Magus finished his tale with a flourish of his hands.

Shirou, for his part, released a breath that he hadn't even realized he'd been holding, the 'on the edge of his seat' feeling leaving him as the story came to a close. "Alright, I'll bite." He leveled a mildly curious stare on the Wizard Marshall. "Why the heck are you telling me this story, as many rumors I've heard of you, none of them have said anything about you just showing up for no reasons just to tell people stories. There's another reason for you being here, right?"

"Hah!" The old man crowed. "You may be socially inept but you can be pretty sharp when you want to be, a benefit from your dual origins maybe?" The man smirked at his own little joke. "You're right, Like I said before, I've come to stir up a little bit of entertainment." Holding a hand up to forestall the argument of why a nearly omniscient and omnipresent being that can travel between the fabric of existence needs to be entertained, the man explained it simply. "Despite what you may think, most alternate universe's are actually quite dull."

Shirou looked at the man like he was crazy.

"You obviously don't realize that EVERY choice and EVERY moment is actualized into existence the moment a choice is made. Imagine for a moment, going to a grocery store and choosing between one beverage and another. There are two universes where THAT is the only difference between the two." He replied dryly. "The only enjoyable difference between those two universes that I've found was that in a separate timeline of one of those two choices the man choked on his bottle cap, now that was an unexpected and amusing outcome if I do say so myself."

Shirou stared at the man in shock. 'Ok, scratch crazy, this guy is psychotic.' The sword user backed away slowly from the Kaleidoscope using magus in front of him, hoping beyond hope that he could escape before the man tried to strong arm him into something he'd regret, usually that something was terribly embarrassing and socially unacceptable. The man's idea of a joke apparently.

"But enough banter!" The man spoke mirthfully. "I am here, Shirou Emiya, to give you a once in a lifetime chance to go to this strange new universe to save people from the despicable Soul Edge!" He held a hand up condescendingly, a rueful smile on his face. "For my amusement of course."

Shirou stopped when he heard those magical words 'Saving people' Like the drop of a hat Shirou was no longer in his (As Rin would put it) Wimpy Idiot mode. Now he was pure business, his countless battles having hardened his otherwise goofy persona. "Alright, I'm listening. Also, while I'm eager to help people as you are probably aware, this seems like a right stupid idea even for me." A single ash gray eyebrow rose. "How do I know you aren't just playing a prank on me and I'll not end up in some ridiculous situation for your amusement?"

The Aged Magus' eyebrows rose, and a lip pushed forward in a thoughtful pout as his index finger tapped his chin. "Well, aside from me not turning you into fuzzy woodland creature or dumping you in the tentacle rape universe... I guess all hero's need a reward at the end of their adventures." The tapping continued until he snapped his fingers, a wide grin on his face. "Got it!" He turned a maddened stare on the younger man. "If you go through with this and follow this story to its conclusion I'll give you two boons to do with what you will."

All was quiet for a moment before Shirou's eyes widened comically. A boon from the Wizard Marshall Zelretch? TWO of them? The mere thought of that kind of favor would have made Rin soak her panties. The Wizened old magus was practically an Akashic record by virtue of his True Magic. He could pluck anything from any dimension and hand it to you on a silver platter, even things that have long since been dead and buried.

Speaking of dead and buried, the Wizard Marshall, who just so happened to be an undead Apostle ancestor in his own right, smiled deviously at the man. "I could even return your Ilya to you, in perfect health if you wish. There are plenty of Alternate Universe's that have you die instead of her and I'm sure she'd be ecstatic to see you again."

Shirou's breathing became ragged as his breath caught in his throat. Illyasviel von Einzbern, Ilya. His sister by his adoption and Kiritsugu Emiya's true biological daughter. He hadn't known then when Gilgamesh had ripped the poor girls heart out of her chest, but over the years of sifting through Archer's memories, that little tidbit of information had brought the then young man to his knees unlike anything he had yet experienced. The fit of depression he'd later found himself in had lasted almost three months over that information. He had failed his father in protecting the one thing that he had cherished equally alongside Shirou himself. His Daughter.

To be given a chance to make right his mistakes and grant some measure of happiness to the small homunculus would be worth any sacrifice. Schooling his face in calm acceptance the Sword Magus stared down Zelretch, arguably one of, if not the strongest mage currently on Gaia and nodded "Alright, I'll do it." Making a deal with the proverbial devil himself, not nearly as bad as a deal with Alaya but close enough that it made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end.

Zelretch actually blinked at the quick acceptance, he knew that the kid was noble in his pursuits but to just readily agree to something without finalizing everything was as reckless as it came. A feral grin forced it's way onto the man's face. That was just how he liked the hero's of the little flights of fancy he created; reckless, courageous and willing to go through almost stupid levels of pain to see their task done. It was a cruel thing really, to derive plasure and enjoyment from another persons suffering, but the ancient Apostle Ancestor had long since rationalized this cruelty and besides- his cruel smirk turned pervy for a moment. -He was going to make this kids life one hell of a fun ride, rather then that boring hell of an existence that waited for him as a Counter Guardian. In his honest opinion, his meddling was actually less cruel than the existence that he had pulled them from.

"So you're just going to agree? Just like that?" Zelretch asked curiously. "No hesitation at all?"

The downright stony and even glare he got in return answered his question long before the sword user did. "Hesitation leads to death, whether mine or an innocents. That I cannot allow."

Zelretch snorted, then burst into a fit of laughter. "Well said my boy, well said!" I suppose I should reward that kind of thinking as well, hmm." He tapped his chin in thought for a moment before moving his left hand over the younger man's right. "Ahh, this should do."

A small crackle of multicolored magical energy filled the air as a hiss of pain came from Shirou, his left hand covering the sizzling flesh underneath. After the pain had faded he removed his hand to find an arcane set of markings on the back of his right hand, twitching every so often as blood passed underneath the skin of the marks. The tribal like markings themselves ran from each knuckle to a jagged circle on the back of his hand which was filled with arcane words and runes of power, from the bottom of that circle ran twin lines all the way up until it disappeared underneath the T-shirt he wore underneath his battle clothing, most likely leading up to his shoulder. Staring down at the tattoo on his limb, he could only marvel at the complexity of the...thing that had been imprinted on him.

"That, Shirou Emiya!-" Zelretch boasted, bringing a rather meat hook of a fist before his face as if he was proud of the little stunt he'd just pulled. "-Is the Magic Crest of your family from an alternate reality. Oh and don't worry, the last member of that branch of your clan was about to die so it's entirely OK for you to have it."

Que jaw drop, processing, jaw dropping, jaw drop complete. It would take the Sword Magus many moments to scrap his face off the ground, which in the meantime Zelretch had started speaking again.

"Well, I think it's time I sent you on your way. You can play with your crest later when you have time to Structurally Grasp it." With a click of his fingers a rip in the fabric of space and time appeared behind Shirou. "Now GO! On to a tale of Souls, Swords and SEXY WOMEN!"

"Wait! What's with that last-" Shirou tried to say but Zelretch appeared in front of the doomed sword user with a wicked smirk on his face.

"Have a nice trip." He pushed the man through. After the window had closed and the sword users screaming like a little girl had cut off, the Wizard Marshall spoke again. "See you next fall..." The smile fell slightly into a frown. "I really need to learn a better one liner for that...hmmm." The man looked curious for a moment as he felt the Young Emiya touch down in the Soul Calibur universe. "I wonder if I should have told him that I procured that Magic Crest from the Emiya Clan section of the multiverse...?"

...

"Nahhhh." He waved a hand in front of his face dismissively. "He'll find out when he structurally grasps it and more fun for me besides. After all-" A lecherous little grin made it's way on the Wizard Marshall's face. "-The harem must be fed Muahahahahahaaa."

With a slight pop the man disappeared in a swirling rainbow of color.

All was silent for a moment before...

POP!

Zelretch's head appeared from another tear in the fabric of reality, looking disturbingly similar to a certain green skinned wizard from an equally familiar story about a woman who like's to skip down a yellow brick road.

"OY!" Zelretch's head looked straight up in the air. "I heard that you lazy ass author!" The man's gaze shifted from looking up to staring straight ahead, his gaze melting what little fourth wall that was still left. "I see you, you little fink bastards. Start reviewing so the lazy bastard of an author can get off his ass and write the second chapter, I'm damn sure not waiting two months like last time.

(A/N Hey I resent that remark!)

"You mean you resemble that remark, Now get to work!" His eyes turned back to the audience. "NOW START REVIEWING OR I'LL SEND YOU TO THE TENTACLE RAPE UNIVERSE! ZELRETCH AWAY!" With a slight pop the man was again gone, the fabric of reality and sanity setting itself right once again.

(A/N ...Is...Is he gone? ... Good! Now on to the End chapter AN's)

-ooo-

Ok now that that's settled we can finally end this with something that isn't harmful to the sanity of sentient be-.

POP!

"Hey I forgot to mention that-"

OH NO YOU FUCKING DON'T! *SPARTA KICK*

You know what? Fine. We'll just save small talk for the next chapter... (If there is one, that's up to you guys)

"Spoil Sport"

That does it! UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS!

"Oh fu- *Call Lost*