I woke up in a dead sweat screaming. I needed to breathe so I walked out into my balcony adjacent to my bedroom. I started to breathe in the nice cool air when I felt a pair of hands start massaging my shoulders. It was my best friend Star obviously. I suppose it could be Toby but probably not.

Toby and I have been fighting lately. Mostly about Kira. A bit about Star. He does not seem to notice that every time he bad mouths Kira that it gets her upset. Well I guess I was wrong when I said it was mostly about Kira. It is all about Kira. Because Kira and Star are one in the same. I wonder how Toby would feel if he knew... the truth. I have known him my whole life and there is one thing that is absolute if nothing else. He despises Kira. This makes life for the 3 of us so hard. I suppose it is only hard for me and Star because Toby does not know.

It is nights like this when I have a few moments in between my double life that I think about things. Usually Near... Sometimes I feel as if the time in which he was a part of my life was so long ago that I forget what his presents felt like when he held me. And sometimes I can still smell the chocolate the seamed to secrete from his skin.

At this point I start drifting into my memories. The late nights. Rendezvous. The day I fell in love with him. The first time we made love.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY Z!" The entire orphanage erupted into the moment I entered the room. My 18th birthday was a mile stone. Not only am I legally an adult in the eyes of the law and her majesty the queen. I was old enough to drink / buy alcohol and smoke. It is a big deal. I spend the entire party dancing with friends. When the slow dance starts I start to feel uncomfortable. All the little kids start to dance with teachers and the older ones grab a partner. Toby and Star grab each other almost instantaneously. I stand there for a second... It was my birthday party and I was the only person without someone.

"Care for a dance?" I turn around to see H or code name Hit. I smile and start to dance with him. "Happy birthday Zia" he whispers and then starts too slowly blow on my ear. I start to push him away but instead he kisses me. I freeze. I had at this point kissed only Near. Three times to be exact. The first when I was 10. I being a kid with a silly crush leaned in and kissed him full on the lips and of course being a 23 year old man having just had a child kiss you on the lips he reacted as anyone should react. He pushed me off his lap and told me never to do it again. Of course I was a very stubborn child. When I was 14 I did it again. It was late at night when Toby, Star, and I stayed the night at his personal house which was 3 miles down the road from Whammy's house. It was late and he was tucking me into bed. He lent down to kiss my forehead and I grabbed his collar and yanked him down into a passionate kiss. Well that's how I remember it. But I suppose it was as passionate as a 10 year old could get with a kiss. And of course being a 27 year old man he did what any 27 year old man would do. He pushed himself off of me and reprimanded me and told me what I did was wrong. The next time was when I was 16 and it was on New Year's Eve. I was told that at midnight you kiss someone to celebrate the New Year. I was with him and this was at the point in my teen life when my hormones were running wild with me and when the clock hit midnight my lip attached to his and this time he let me for 10 seconds before he pushed me off him. He gave me the glare of disappointment and walked away. He did not talk to me for 6 months after that. The last time was 4 months ago. We were at a park and I had tipped; he tried to stop it mid fall and ended up tumbling with me. He was on top on me and I couldn't stop it. I pulled him down into the kiss and he let me kiss him but he didn't kiss me back. I kissed him for only 5 seconds and stopped and finally he just lost it. He screamed at me for 20 minutes straight and told me that the school yard crush stuff had gone on long enough and that I needed to move on and grow up. It was the most humiliating and embarrassing moment in my life. I did not go to class for 3 days after that and I refused to see anyone for toughs 3 days. He acted as if nothing happened but every time he has tried to talk to me after that I just let him talk and then walked away.

So needless to say I didn't have that much experience and the only experience I did have was unpleasant. I had never been kissed. I have kissed but no one had ever kissed me before.

All of this passed through my mind in about 3.5 seconds and I automatically kissed him back. The kiss was at that point was the most intense physical experience I ever had. We had been on the edge of the dance floor (common room) and he pushed me against a wall and it was like the world around us did not exist and that is when he was yanked away from me unexpectedly by Roger and Near was standing behind him. The look on Rogers face was more like 'silly children' Near's face was what I was not expecting it was anger and inpatient rage. That was what I had never seen. Even when he was reprimanding me for kissing him he kept the monotone look and face. He was more stern then angered. He has always had that unemotional uncaring look. Hit was dragged into Rogers office and I was taken into Near's private room.

"What were you thinking?" He asked in a voice that I could only describe as restrained.

"I was not I suppose" I said in a voice that mirrored his traditional monotone voice

"No you weren't" he said disapprovingly

"What's the matter with what I did? Please tell me what? Other then it was too public!" I was furious. What right did he have?

"It was wrong!" He was screaming now.

"How so please tell me!"

"Do you love him?" He asked

"No."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"No"

"Do you ever plan on being with him?"

"No..."

"Then you were using him and that's wrong" that was the only justification he could find?

"How is that using him? He is not in love with me either."

"Then why would you do that!"

"Because I deserve to have some fun! I deserve to feel something other than a one sided love for an emotionless bastered who only plays with my feelings!" I ran out of the room. And into my bedroom.

"Well that was an interesting birthday" I muttered to myself on the verge of tears. I changed into my pajamas and then lay in my bed for a while. I looked at the clock every so often and large amounts of time go by...8:50...10:34...2:20... Around 3 am the door creaked open it was Near. I heard him walk over to the bed.

"I know you're awake" he said in his usual monotone voice.

"What do you want?" He climbed into the bed and put his arm around my waist.

"I do not know" he whispered into my ear.

"Come back when you figure it out" he did not leave. Instead he turned me around so I was facing him. The only audible noises were the sounds of our breathing.

"I never" he began but then trailed off into some thought he was probably trying to collect or reword.

"I never understood people who could fall in love with someone after the death of a pervious love such as a wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend... And movies that capitalize on that always angered me because I never understood. And it especially angered me when the romance was based on the fact that the current love interest reminded the person of the dead lover... But I understand now. The love I feel for... my dead lover is never going to leave because I have fallen in love with you" everything he said stared to sink in. He was in love with a dead person.

"I always used that you were a child in the years pervious to convince myself that it was wrong. I only really started to think of it as an even remote possibility when you kissed me the first time and after that I told myself it was disgusting cause you were a child but it was around the time you turned 16 that I began to think that it was not wrong but then I would think of..." he paused for a minute probably thinking of his dead love. "And I could not think of it. Today when I saw him all over you and now that you were of age I just...snapped" after he finished the rant of his I let his words sink in and I knew that I didn't care. Why should care? I understand that he loved her... Whoever she was but he loves me now and I am the now and the here.

"I will always be here with you. All you need to say is that you want me. That you need me" I whispered in a breathy tone as I turned around to look into his eyes.

"I want you" he whispered as his kissed my forehead "I need you" he whispered as he kissed my cheeks "I love you" he whispered as he kissed me deeply.

Clothes were discarded and forgotten till morning and passion was exchanged on both are ends. I felt the most intense pleasure I ever felt in my whole life.

I thought that would be the beginning but it was the end... I had a few years with him sure but come my 22 birthday that was his end... and I was the one who ended it. I murdered him. I felt like a hole was blown into my heart. I had been stabbed in the back, I had stabbed him in the back, I trusted him, I hated him, and loved him at the same time.

I guess that I would have killed him eventually if I had not done it that day. Because we were both heading down a path that would have made us enemies anyways. Kira and L are destined to fight and one of them will eventually become victorious. Star's father killed my father and Near killed Star's father and I killed Near. It is a never ending cycle which can only be broken by the victor. Either Kira must die once and for all or L must die. I have always had the feeling that L would win. So why did I choose the losing side when I knew what it would cost me? The answer is simple. I would do anything for Star. Whatever she wants no matter what she wants. Call it stupid or foolish or whatever you want. I am her eternal servant.

I finally wondered out of the mindless drabble that was going on the inside of my deranged mind to realize that the person behind me which I had assumed to be Star had stopped massaging my shoulders and started feeling my body up in a sexual way. The hands groped at my thighs and lips started to kiss at my Neck. It had to be Star, this person was all over my Neck. But what the hell is going on for her to act this way. Suddenly the lips left my neck.

"What are you doing?"

The person put their lips up to my ear and licked it.

"Murder..." I let out a blood curtailing scream of terror and turned around to see no one there.

Star and Toby burst in and saw my disgruntled face and began asking me questions about what was going on.

"Someone was here."

"Who?" They asked in unison

"L..."

"You think you were visited by his ghost?" Toby asked slowly trying to calm me down.

"Ghosts aren't real" Star said

"There is a notebook that kills people floating around out there and Shinigami. With that knowledge you honestly doubt the existence of ghosts?" He had a very good point.

"I suppose that is a god point." Star added

"So were you." Toby asked

"Yeah were you?" Ryuk amended

"I think so..."

"Toby let me talk with Zia alone" Toby left the room and Star walked over to me.

"He is angry at me because I killed him"

"I would be angry too... But it had to be done"

"I need to be alone can you just..."she hugged me and left.

I walked over to the bed and laid down the bed. I turned on the radio and started to hum along to songs after a while I turned off the radio and started singing

"Now you're just somebody that I use to know..." I whispered to myself as I fell back into a dreamless slumber.