Dear Castle,

Nothing I can say will ever make up for the hell I've put you thru the past four years. Nothing will make the denial and lies and secrets go away. I know I was wrong… About everything. Josh, Mike… You. I judged you before I knew you and I was determined to make sure nothing made me see otherwise. But I did. Day by day, I got used to seeing you bounce in like a hyper puppy, and hearing you spout crack theories… I began to crave you saying my name, so soft, and hesitant like you were afraid. It made my heart race. I loved the sight of your big, blue eyes twinkling as you watched me, or as you worked on an idea. I became addicted to you being an arms distance away at all times, and hearing your ringtone sound with a text or phone call. We have only shared three kisses in the four years of our little game.. But I remember each and every one. I remember how soft your lips were, and how it shocked me that a man could have such silky skin. I remember you whispering that you loved me and you begging me not to leave you. I remember you holding me and sobbing. I remember every word said, look exchanged, kiss shared, or just moment in your presence. I wish I could be there to hand you this letter, Rick. I do. I wish I could look into your eyes one last time, and tell you I love you too. I always have. I wish more than anything I had never kept the truth from you, and told you I knew… We could have made the most of our time left. I know I'm going to be dead before you find me. Before you find this. I am writing it because writing you is helping me keep hold of you, and it's keeping me calm. I dreamed of dying in my sleep, old and fulfilled, lately in your arms… But If I can die remembering your voice, face.. Your kiss and scent… I can die happy. I love you, Richard Alexander Rodgers. I'm so thankful for the time I spent with you, and how safe and at home you made me. Please.. Don't hate me. I love you. Always.



I set down the letter, shaking, trying to hold back the flood of tears as I looked at the paper, Kate's delicate writing all over the page. I was too late, and now… She was gone.