A/N: This came about from a casual conversation on Tumblr that took a very dark turn.
Warnings: This is crack on meth.
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, this would've been in the books. And the movies.
They were here. Finally, after waiting all their lives, plus a long ass train ride, they were here. The Sorting Ceremony. Where one separated Gryffindors from the Ravenclaws and the Ravenclaws from the Hufflepuffs and Hufflepuffs from the Slytherins and the Slytherins from everyone because a study had shown that they were 72% more likely to sociopaths. Anyway:
James Potter was getting seriously tired of standing in line. That annoying little prat from the train, Peter, had latched onto his robes like an ugly pudgy leech. He just wanted to get into Gryffindor and get some bloody food.
"Merlin, how she only on the N's?" James muttered to himself.
His newly-found friends, Sirius and Remus, had already been sorted. They were both Gryffies. James was happy because he hadn't been too sure about either of them. Lupin seemed rather bookish and Black's whole family had been Slytherins. The hot red-head chick from train got her fiery sexy self sorted in Gryffindor too. Tapping that was definitely on James's to-do list.
"How many bloody kids did Mrs. Patterson have at one time?!"
The Patterson Family's reign of terror finally ended with Ophelia Patterson (Slytherin).
"Blimey, fifteen Pattersons in one year!" Someone behind James said, awestruck.
"James, James!" Peter whined, "I think my turn's coming up soon!"
"But James, I'm frightened! What if don't get sorted! I think I just made a stinky in my nappy!"
"Bollocks, Peter. What do you think they're going to do? Throw you into the Forbidden Forest and let you make friends with huge homicidal spiders who will pull the flesh off— wait, you're still in nappies?"
Peter scurried up to the hat and clambered his chubby body onto the stool accidentally showing off his full diaper, which James immediately decided was the worst thing his eleven year old eyes had ever seen.
McGonagall stepped as far away from the boy as she could, throwing the hat on his head like a frisbee.
The hat was only on Peter's head a second before it made a decision.
The Great Hall silenced.
"HELL?" McGonagall asked entirely bemused.
"Yes HELL. This child is fit for no where other than HELL. HELL!"
"Alas! Well, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), we cannot exactly send students to HELL," Dumbledore said calmly.
"The hat's name is ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)?" A random student called from the crowd.
"Alas! Indeed, the hat's name is ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)."
"Who the fuck names a hat ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)?"
"Alas! There will be time to explain the origins of the hat's name later. For now we need to figure out what to do with young Peter here, seeing as his parents would probably object to me sending him to HELL."
"That kid said something about, throwing him into the Forbidden Forest and letting him make friends with huge homicidal spiders who will pull the flesh off— wait, he's still in nappies?"
Everyone stared at James blankly.
"The nappies thing was actually supposed to be "of your body", if that means anything," James supplied helpfully.
Peter, who'd been silently shaking this whole time, whined, "Jaaammmeeessss!"
"Alas! Mr. Potter, that is a great idea! Since we can't send him to HELL, we'll send him to the Forbidden Forest to get his flesh eaten by rather ridiculously ginormous spiders! Hagrid, take him to the Forbidden Forest!"
"Oh No! Oh No! Oh Noooooo!" Peter screeched as Hagrid dragged him off.
"OH YEAH!" The rest of the Great Hall called in return.
"Alas! Let's continue the Ceremony."
"My-my n-name is p-Peter."
"Hello Peter. My name is Gigantic-Spider-That's-About-To-Circumcise-You-By- Eating-The-Foreskin-Off-Of-Your-Ridiculously-Tiny- Penis. Nice to meet you."
"You made that up just now."
"Yes. Yes I did. 'Oh no, oh no, oh no!' Oh fuck yeah."
A/N: And everyone lived happily ever after except for Peter because, like Benjamin Church from Assassin's Creed 3, nobody fucking likes him. R&R, C&C. This was also posted on Tumblr. My blog is MalikaiDragonSlayer97 at you know what dot you know what.