29Part 7
I run across the street, narrowly missing getting hit by a car. The driver slams on his horn, I smile and wave. I don't like leaving Roger alone, not for long anyway. I'm afraid he might fall and no one will be there; but he is falling less often now. I wasn't lying when I told him he's getting better. I sigh and look up at the window from across the street. Sometimes I just need some time alone to process everything. He's not there anymore… I panic for a minute and have to stop myself from running back there… hopefully he found the food. I focus on clearing my thoughts. It's only 11:00, but it's already been a long day. I don't know where I'm going. Maybe I'll go film in the park for a while. I make my way down the street lost in my thoughts.
"Mark?!" I look around, startled. There she is, I wasn't seeing things this morning.
"Mimi!" She runs over to me and I wrap my arms around her small frame. "When did you get back?"
"A couple of days ago. God, you look great!" I hold her at arm's length.
"You don't look so bad yourself." She laughs and pulls out some cash.
"Let me buy you a cup of coffee." We head down the street and she talks my ear off about what she's been doing. My problems are temporarily forgotten.
Boredom sets in… It doesn't happen often, but when you have no TV and can't read… it's bound to. Where the hell is Mark? He's been gone forever. I want to call Collins, but when habit forces me to pick up the phone, I can only stare blankly at the buttons. Mark said something about getting walkie-talkies in an attempt to make me laugh… now I wish he had been serious.
I consider going downstairs and even make it as far as the stairwell, but my hands get sweaty and I suddenly can't catch my breath. I slowly move back inside. Mark says that the panic attacks come from fear. I'm not afraid to go outside… I keep telling myself. It must be that I'm afraid of falling down the stairs.
I pick up the phone again. Damnit! In a rage, I kick over the table where the phone sits. Everything comes crashing down… that's it! Day's over! I'm going back to bed! As I crawl back under the covers I can hear the phone screaming… I didn't bother to hang it back up.
"That's strange." I hang up the phone.
"What is?" The people arguing across the street are distracting Mimi.
"It's busy." This concerns me greatly. I haven't thought about Roger all afternoon… except for when Mimi talked about him. I haven't told her yet… she hasn't asked about him. I suppose she thinks that he's moved on, like her.
"What's so strange about that?" She turns back to me. "Who are you calling anyway?" She suddenly looks slightly anxious. I pick up the phone and dial again, maybe I dialed wrong… maybe Collins is there. Still busy. Oh God, it's penance for forgetting about him all afternoon. I look at my watch… 4:00.
"I was trying to call Roger… look I have to go, I can't get through." I hope she won't pick up on the urgency in my voice, but she does. She grabs my arm as I start to hurry away.
"What's going on Mark?! You're never this worried about Roger." She blocks my path and won't let me go. I look at the ground. I don't want her worrying too… she's so happy.
"It's nothing… I just promised him I wouldn't be gone long." I start to hurry away again and she follows. Of course she would, she still loves him. I think about trying to lose her, but that's ridiculous… she knows where we live. I finally stop when I reach our building. I've got one more chance to stop her… they're both so fragile, one of them will crack. I'm afraid it will be Roger. I'm afraid… no, I'm afraid Roger won't need me with Mimi around. I turn to face her and bite my lip. She's crying from fear.
"Mark, what's wrong? What are you hiding from me? He's sick, isn't he? The AIDS, I – I can't watch him die." I pull her arm to sit on the steps with me. I hold her hands.
"He's not dying Mimi… he was shot a few months ago." I tell her briefly what happened, she doesn't need any details. When I'm done, she wipes her eyes and stands up.
"I need to see him."
Part 8
I open the door quickly and look around. The table that used to stand in the corner and its contents are strewn all over. "Roger?! Oh God…" I rush in and down the hall, leaving Mimi standing in the doorway. I run into Roger's room and stop short. He's sound asleep in bed and appears to be fine. I pull a blanket off the floor and cover him. As I stand watching him sleep I wonder if he'll look as different to Mimi as he does to me.
I pull the door closed behind me and return to the other room. Mimi has come in and shut the door, but stands by the broken table looking frightened. "Did Roger do this?" She points to the mess. I kneel down and start to clean up. Ah, the answer to the busy signal, I think as I put the phone back on its receiver.
"Yeah, he gets frustrated very easily." I watch as she looks around the loft; nothing should be that different to her. Finally she focuses back on me and I quickly look down to the broken lamp I'm cleaning.
"What – what got him so mad?" I stand to go find a broom that I know we don't have.
"I don't know, anything… maybe he wanted to call Collins because I was late." I forget briefly that she wouldn't understand how that could send Roger into a rage… but remember when I turn to see her questioning expression. I sigh and pull her over to the couch. "I told you downstairs that the doctors said Roger would be fine. What I didn't tell you was that it's going to take a while. He was shot in the head… he's got some brain damage."
"What? I, uh… no…" She starts to back away. I grab her hands and hold her there.
"He's really okay… for the most part. Please listen to me… I promise." She settles back down, but keeps looking down the hall towards his room. "He's already relearned how to walk, but he can't read anything and he won't try. That would explain why the phone set him off; the numbers don't make sense to him." She's crying again and all I can hope is that she'll get it all out now and not cry in front of Roger. I push her chin up so she'll look at me. "He misses you terribly. Maybe you can help him." I feel a pain in my heart saying that to her… admitting out loud that I can't help him. We sit now, in silence and I hold her as she cries.
"Mark?" Roger's rough and sleepy voice jolts us.
"I'm here buddy." I stand to go to him and gesture to Mimi to wait here. She nods and wipes her eyes. I go down the hall and push open Roger's door. He's propped up on his elbows, still in bed. "Hey, are you alright?"
"Where were you before?"
"I went for a walk and I found a present for you." He blinks at me and only then do I notice the fear in his eyes. I forget about Mimi and go to sit on the bed by him. "Roger… what's wrong?"
"I – I was just scared before when you hadn't come back. And I didn't know where you were or how to get anybody." I let my head drop. His hand grabs onto my arm, it's cold and clammy. He must have had another panic attack. That's why he was sleeping, he does that when he's scared. I put my hand over his.
"It's okay buddy. I'm here now and we'll work something out so that it doesn't happen again." I can feel him relax and his vice grip on my arm releases. He lies back down and smiles weakly.
"So, you said you got me a present?" Oh God! Now is not a good time for this. I force the look of surprise off my face and stammer for an excuse.
"Oh, um… yeah. But later… not now." He's confused, that's easy to see. I open my mouth to try to explain better.
"Roger… baby?" Both of our heads spin to the door where Mimi stands.
"Surprise." I weakly answer before scowling at her for not staying put in the other room. Roger just stared, his mouth hanging open.