I have finally suffered enough from post season blues that I felt the need to post my first ever fanfic. I have enjoyed so many excellent works by fans. I hope that you will find this project entertaining. Thanks.
Where Do We Go From Here? Chapter 1
"We need to make a supply run." Kevin stated as he stood before the open refrigerator. "There's not really enough here to make a meal. Besides, we are out of bourbon and beer."
Sam made a mirthless half chuckle sound from where he stood in the pantry. These shelves and the storeroom one level down held enough to keep them alive for two years without ever leaving the bunker. But, a diet of canned beans, powdered eggs, and tinned meat got old after a while. Besides, Dean had actually started to cook again, something he was pretty good at when they were kids and he had to take care of Sam while John was away on a hunt. Maybe throwing together a meal every night might give the grieving hunter something to focus on other than wondering where the hell Cas was.
It had been five days since the angels fell from heaven and still no Castiel. Kevin and Sam had begun avoiding discussing the event or angels in general. Dean tried to keep his feelings tightly controlled but it still leaked out in short-tempered displays of frustration. As much as Sam might worry about the angel, Dean worried more. Sam believed that losing one more person that he cared for would be too much for Dean. When Castiel had planned to lock himself up in heaven with his siblings Dean wasn't happy about it but at least he would have known where he was.
Dean went out every day to drive around hoping to spot the angel. Two days ago he had returned from one of these drives and found Sam and Kevin discussing what might have happened to Castiel. Dean never raised his voice, never let loose the anger and hurt and despair that Sam could see seething under the surface. The hunter just calmly stated that if he could, Castiel would have made it to the bunker already. And, then he walked away with his shoulders slumped and his head hanging low.
"Dean?" Sam caught up with him in the corridor outside his bedroom. "We don't know where he might have come down. There is still the chance that he will turn up. He knows where we are."
"That's just it, Sammy," Dean said, turning toward his brother with tears in his eyes. "We don't know if he can even remember us much less the way to the bunker." He turned away and walked into his room to sit on the end of his bed. "I was so mad at him in the last few weeks… hell, I was mad at everything. I made you feel like you were disappointing me. And, Cas… I was angry about the thing with Naomi and what happened in purgatory and the things he did when he went all god-Cas before all of that. I said some really cruel things to him and treated him terribly. I wanted him to hurt. I took a little joy in giving him back the pain I had felt. It was selfish I know."
"He really did hurt you, though, Dean," Sam shrugged. "From what I've seen and what you have told me I'm not surprised your friendship suffered."
"But, through it all I didn't just tell him to go away either," Dean gave a self-depreciating smirk. "I believed him about Naomi controlling him. I know that it took a lot of effort to break away from her influence before he killed me. But, I still didn't trust him because part of me felt if he cared about us he wouldn't have let those things happen."
"That's normal rational response," the younger man said. "But, you and I have both done things that we wished we could go back and undo. Why are you holding him to some impossible standard?"
"Because, he's my angel," Dean answered, ashamed for his selfishness. "I still wanted him to be there for me first. And I wasn't there for him." Some of that grief bubbled to the surface despite Dean's struggle to tamp it down. A tear broke free and tracked its way down his cheek. "Not when he needed me, not now when he needs us the most."
Sam's heart was breaking for his brother and he sat down beside him and put an arm around him and pulled him into his shoulder. "I'm afraid for him too, Dean. But, I still have a little faith he will turn up. Kevin has hacked into hospital and police records. If he is out there and can't get to us we will find him."
"I don't know," Dean sighed, wiping his eyes. "I just wish… If I could have him back safe…"
"What?" Sam grinned. He pushed Dean back enough to look at his face. "You'd finally tell him how you really feel?"
Dean didn't flinch or roll his eyes or tell Sam to 'Shut up, Bitch.' He held Sam's gaze steady. "Yeah," he simply stated. "I love him, Sam. Not being able to admit to it has only caused more pain. If I could get him back I'd make sure he knew that."
That had been two days ago. Dean had still gone out to drive around. He was methodical in his search, taking all the routes leading to the bunker in a five-mile radius. Still there was no sign of him.
Walking back into the kitchen from the pantry, Sam glanced at the clock. It was almost time for Dean's daily drive. If they were to get a shopping trip in it had better be soon. The piece of crap car Kevin had driven to the bunker in the first place wouldn't start up again and Dean declared it to be past fixable. The Impala was the only vehicle they had.
"Ok, so make a list and I'll make a run…"
"Oh, no," Kevin yelped. "You are not leaving me with the menopausal meatsack! You are the only one that he tolerates without bursting into tears."
He was referring to Crowley, of course. Even in all the horror of the night the angels fell, Sam had realized that they couldn't leave him. First of all, he was still a possible threat and secondly, they were responsible for him. Dean hadn't liked it one bit but had gone back in the church to get him anyway. They had installed him in one of the smaller studies on the main floor close to the library and "war room". Kevin had rigged up a satellite dish and now the not quite demon, not quite human Crowley had 900 channels to surf.
Unfortunately, Kevin was right about his emotional state. Whenever Dean came near him the demon cringed in fear and had full-blown panic attacks. His reaction to Kevin was if anything more extreme. He had done so many horrible things to the boy that when Kevin was around him he just stood there and blubbered apologies. Kevin avoided him after having been caught once or twice in a bear hug. Sam was the only person who seemed to calm him. After the first couple days, Sam had removed the handcuffs. They had warded the entry to the bunker and to rooms they didn't want him to enter with devil's traps. Crowley didn't want to leave the study at all but his half-healed soul meant that the body he inhabited had reverted to human needs. He got hungry and needed to go to the bathroom, though not as much as he would if he were human. And he even fell asleep for short periods while watching TV.
They couldn't leave Crowley by himself in the bunker. Just because he was going through a spiritual transformation didn't mean that he couldn't find a way to plot against him. Crowley accepted that they didn't trust him, though he tried to make amends for the things he had done in the past when they would listen.
Kevin slapped a notepad down on the counter in front of Sam jerking him out of his reverie. "Besides," the boy said. "I need some things from the electronics store, too. I'll go."
"You aren't getting the keys to my car, kid," Dean groused as he entered the kitchen. "But, you can ride shotgun. Take it easy, Sammy." With that, Dean slipped the demon blade into Sam's palm and headed out the door.
Two hours later, they had made the back roads circuit, stopped at the electronics store, a thrift store for a couple changes of clothes for their demon guest who had gotten a bit ripe and the grocers and were heading back to the bat cave. "Seriously," Kevin was saying as he watched the passing scenery. "There are shelves of toilet paper in the bunker. We didn't need to get more."
"I have it on good authority that TP is a good thing to stock up on," Dean stated, as they parked in front of the bunker entrance. "Besides, the stuff the Men of Letters stored in the bunker is like sandpaper. I like the softer stuff."
Kevin laughed. "For such a macho asshole, you sure can be a girl sometimes."
"Shut up, nerd," Dean glared at him. "Unlock the door and help me unload the stuff."
Still chuckling to himself, Kevin got out and walked to the door giving his dead car a sympathetic pat as he passed. A movement between the beat up car and hill caught his eye causing him to turn wearily hand on his knife. There in the shadows lay a heap of dingy clothing. He could make out a black loafer, a dark pant leg and a torn and filthy heap of khaki material. "Dean!"
Dean was there in an instant pulling the boy behind him to protect him. Kevin had a second to appreciate that Dean would stand between him and danger and then he saw the realization dawn in those mossy green eyes. "Kevin," he whispered hoarsely. "Get the door."
Kevin quickly opened the door and yelled for Sam before turning back to see Dean carefully lifting the crumpled angel from the ground. The look on Dean's face was hard to fathom. He seemed to be struggling between relief and fear over Castiel's condition. One thing was for certain. Dean was taking the utmost care with his friend. The hunter cradled Cas to his chest like he was precious and dipped his head to brush a soft kiss on his temple. "Ah…," Kevin sighed softly as something he had always wondered about suddenly clicked into place with blinding clarity. So that was how it was?
A started gasp from behind him announced Sam's presence in the doorway and they shared a moment as their eyes made contact. They knew what they were seeing. And, then, they both stood back to give Dean room to carry Cas inside.
Kevin rushed ahead to push a pile of books out of the way so that Dean could lay Cas on the "war room" table. Sam helped him pull a couple of layers of clothing off of their unconscious friend and begin looking for damage. Dean's hands moved slowly over Cas' arms and legs looking for broken bones. Kevin returned with a first aid kit that he placed by Castiel's feet and noticed that he was only wearing one shoe. Both feet were caked in mud and the bare foot looked like it had a gash across the heel.
"He's so dirty I can't tell if he's hurt," Sam declared. "We need to get him cleaned up."
Dean nodded and bent to gather Castiel in his arms again when Cas opened his eyes. "Cas?"
"Dean?" Castiel started to sit up and then fell back to the table closing his eyes. Dean glanced at Sam in panic.
"Take it easy, Cas," Sam said. "You must be exhausted."
Castiel sat up all the way this time and smiled wearily at Sam. He was glad to see the younger Winchester alive. Kevin also smiled at him and gave a little self-conscious wave. Cas nodded back and then turned to Dean. "I am mostly unhurt. I am simply tired and hungry. And, right now I would like to get clean."
"Sure thing, Cas," Dean smiled. "Let me help you."
With his arm around Dean they made it to the steps leading up towards the living quarters when Castiel hesitated. Dean simply scooped him up again and carried him up to the next floor and into his bedroom. Sure there were other rooms that had bathrooms but he knew for a fact that his was stocked with soap and towels. Gently setting him down in front of the sink Dean turned to start the shower. Turning back he saw Castiel gripping the edge of the counter behind him to keep himself upright. The look on his face reminded Dean of purgatory Cas. Maybe it was just because he needed to shave.
"Have you slept at all in the last week?" Dean asked.
Castiel looked down. "I was afraid to sleep. I found someone who gave me food a couple of days ago but the authorities are looking for fallen angels and I have chosen since then to stay off the roads."
"They are looking for angels?" Dean asked. "They know they are angels?"
"No," Cas shook his head. "I think that they are concerned that there has been an outbreak of some sort that has caused thousands of people to suffer sudden memory loss. I didn't want to have to answer questions."
"Why do you remember, Cas?"
"Because," Castiel's gaze found Dean's. "I didn't fall. I went to rescue Metatron from Naomi. But he had already killed her and was waiting for me. It was never to seal heaven. It was a spell to expel all the Angels from heaven. He took my grace and sent me down but I didn't fall burning from the sky like my brothers and sisters did." Tears began tracking down his face carving lines in the grime.
"Oh, Cas," Dean sighed and pulled him in for a hug.
"It's my fault," Castiel sobbed.
"No," Dean pulled away to look him in the eyes. "You were trying to fix things. You were just unlucky enough to be the one he chose to use. It could have been any angel. Any grace would have worked, right?" Castiel nodded.
"Well, then," pulling him back into the embrace. "It will be ok. We will get you cleaned up and fed… let you sleep for a few days… and when you recover we will begin looking for an answer."
Castiel seemed to gain some strength from this and he stepped away from Dean and began undressing. Dean averted his eyes and gathered up the soiled clothes and the solitary shoe with intent of throwing them out. He was trying very hard not to think about the naked Cas in the room with him. But, he watched him from under lowered lashes anyway. Castiel's body was more slender than his own. He was all wiry strength and lithe lines of muscle. Dean's eyes dropped lower. A small smile curved his mouth. Well, that is impressive, he thought. Dean used to feel funny about his attraction to Castiel. It was Jimmy's body after all. But, Jimmy is long gone and Castiel is here. Chances are this will be the last skin the former angel will ever wear. His eyes took in the beautiful curve of Castiel's ass as he stepped into the shower.
"Thank you, Dean." Dean's eyes flicked up to his face. He had been caught staring and for a beat of his heart he thought Cas was thanking him for that. Cas was looking at him shyly from over his shoulder. "Thank you for caring for me."
"Sure," Dean croaked hoarsely. "I'll just go get you something to wear." And, then he backed out of the bathroom, shut the door and leaned against it as sudden arousal took his breath away.
He wanted Cas. It wasn't just the desire to be near him that he had felt from almost the beginning. It wasn't even the love that had formed over time that he recently admitted was more than the sense of family that he had associated with other people he had loved like Bobby, Jo and Ellen. This was outside his head and his heart. This was physical need. He had to shift the clothes in his arms to free a hand to make adjustments to jeans that were suddenly too tight.
It just so happens, Sam took that moment to poke his head in the room to see how things were going. Between the sound of the shower and the pile of clothes clutched to Dean's chest, Sam had a pretty good idea what had aroused his brother. Dean glared at him, daring him to say a word. Sam's lips twitched and then features smoothed out. "Kev and I have got the stuff unloaded and put away and we are throwing together something for dinner. Everything ok?"
"Yeah," Dean grunted. He glanced over his shoulder at the bathroom door. "I should let him tell the story, I guess. He only told me a little bit."
"So he's human?" Sam asked.
"More or less," Dean nodded.
"OK, Dean," Sam shrugged. "Take care of Cas and we'll have something ready to eat in about half an hour." He paused, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Unless you need some alone time with your new human?"
"Sam," Dean growled. "Don't start!"
"He staying in here, I take it?"
"And, what of it?" Dean asked defensive. "He can stay wherever he wants. There are plenty of rooms in this place."
"And, it's such a big bed, Dean," Sam said with a reasonable air. He tried to suppress the smile again but this time failed. "Shame to send him down the hall when there's room for him right here."
The door to the bathroom opened and a Castiel stood in the door way with Dean's MoL robe wrapped around his body. "I would like to stay here, Dean, if that is acceptable to you," Castiel spoke in his gravelly voice. And, just like that, Dean's breath was stolen away again.
"I'll just take these," Sam said snatching the clothes from Dean's arms. "Half hour, Dean." And, then he left closing the door behind him.
Castiel looked at Dean shyly. He was aware that he was once again the source of some amusement for the Sam but he wasn't sure what he had done this time. He also sensed that Dean was also the butt of the joke. "Is it not alright?"
"It's fine, Cas," Dean sighed. "Let me find you something to wear." Cas limped over to the bed to sit down while Dean pulled out some clothes. He chose soft sweat pants and a faded t-shirt. After a moment's hesitation he added a pair of boxers and socks. He would have to go shopping for Cas tomorrow. But, for now at least he had a choice to wear Dean's underwear or go commando. Dean wasn't sure which of the two choices had another hot surge of lust crawling down his spine to curl in his groin.
"What happened to your foot?" He asked as he tossed the clothes down on the bed. Cas had been examining the bottom of it.
"It's just a cut from after I lost my shoe," Castiel answered quickly. Dean sat down and grabbed Castiel's ankle to pull his foot over into his lap so he could look for himself. The cut wasn't very deep but it looked like it would hurt to walk on.
"How long ago did you do this?"
"It happened the day before yesterday, I think," Castiel said, his brows drawn together. Dean looked at him sitting there naked under the loose robe and even with the dark circles under his eyes and scratches and bruises on every exposed piece of skin Dean thought he was beautiful. Cas looked from his foot still held in Dean's hand to Dean's face. Something was happening here that he didn't understand.
"And, you just kept on walking from wherever you were?" Dean asked, softly caressing his ankle.
"I had to," Castiel stated. When he had caught Dean looking at him in the bathroom, he had been hopeful. Not having much experience at physical love or knowing what to do to encourage Dean had left him feeling awkward.
"You could have gotten help from someone," Dean said. "Kevin has watched the hospitals for you. You could have called."
"I lost the phone," Cas shook his head. "And I do not really remember the number. You change it so often. I just had to get to you." He looked down at his hands his lips pursed slightly. "I needed to be here… with you." That beautiful blue gaze that swept back up to meet Dean's was filled with confusion with something else laying just under the surface that made Dean think of lust. "You are different, Dean. Why?"
"Because, Cas," Dean frowned. "I just spent five days afraid that I would never see you again. That you were gone destroyed in the fall. And, even if you survived, I didn't think you would remember me. I guess it gave me a little perspective."
"I don't think that I could ever forget you," Castiel whispered, a lovely blush creeping up his neck to stain his cheeks.
"Is that so?" Dean asked, tugging Castiel closer. "I'm going to try something here. Don't panic." Then, Dean leaned in slowly, giving Castiel time to pull away from him. Cas just watched him with that steady blue gaze until their lips touched. The former angel felt stiff and unyielding as Dean slid his arms around him to draw him close. And, for a moment Dean was afraid that he had read the situation wrong. But, that thought only lasted for a beat or two and then before his heart had a chance to sink in disappointment, Castiel sighed and relaxed completely into Dean's arms opening his mouth for the hunter.
Dean thought he knew what this would be like. But, he was unprepared for reality. His tongue teased along Cas' lips before delving inside, raking along the roof of his mouth. Castiel's arms came up and rested on his shoulders as he carded his fingers in Dean's short hair. And, then with a growl of frustration because he wasn't close enough, Cas drew up to his knees before swinging a leg across Dean's lap to straddle him. Dean was blown away by the needy little gasps that were coming from the former angel as he ground against his crotch. He drew back slightly just so that he could take him in. His eyes, the lids half closed, were dark with lust and his breath was coming in little hitches. Those beautiful plump lips were swollen from the kiss. Dean drew his hand lightly down his cheek and his neck before sliding under the collar of the robe to brush his chest. Cas' hand pressed down on his stopping him from going any lower. He leaned forward to rest his forehead against Dean's.
"I think I may be about to faint," Castiel whimpered.
Right then his stomach gurgled in protest. It had been over thirty six hours since he had been given a meal by the woman at the church. And, though he had drunk from streams and eaten a few berries and other foraged plants during his walk to the bunker, he was badly in need of sustenance.
Dean nodded and lifted Castiel off his lap so that he could dress. Castiel was shy now and turned away while he untied the belt of the robe. Dean sensed the awkwardness that was there now that hadn't been there when Cas had stripped down before his shower.
"Do you want me to leave?" Dean asked. Cas looked over his shoulder at him with a frown. "I mean so you can get dressed."
"It shouldn't matter should it? You have seen me naked already," Cas' eyes lowered again. "I am just afraid that you will not like my body. I have often wished it were female just so that it would be more pleasing to you."
"It is pleasing to me," Dean grinned. "Wait, what? You have been thinking about being with me?"
"I walked across the state to get to you, Dean," Cas said his gaze once again intense.
"Oh, yeah?" Dean said, breathlessly. "Well, I didn't kiss you until after I saw you naked, so…"
Cas' smile was like the sun as he dropped the robe to the floor and moved toward Dean then his eyes fluttered and he swayed. Dean was up in an instant and caught him before he could hit the floor. By the time Castiel regained consciousness Dean had dressed him in the borrowed clothes and lay stretched out on the bed next to him. Castiel scowled at him.
"Did your plans to seduce me get messed up?" Dean asked, softly teasing. Castiel covered his face with his hands.
"God, you are cute." Dean kissed his neck.
"And, sexy." He kissed Cas' hands causing them to part to show the man underneath. "And, I love you."
"I know," Castiel sighed, pulling Dean down for a kiss. "I love you, too. I just had no idea you would want the rest of it."
"What do you mean, you know?" Dean frowned. "I didn't really know until recently."
"I knew you loved me," Castiel explained. "But there are different levels of love that I have observed. I thought that you loved me as you love Sam. And I had accepted that, even though I love you differently than I love Sam or any of my brothers. I want to love you the way that I learned from those movies in the motel."
Dean couldn't help but chuckle. "We need to build up your strength if we are going to reenact a porno any time soon. Dinner is ready if you can make it that far."
Together they made it down the stairs and into the kitchen. Cas was still limping badly but he had Dean to lean on and that made him feel like he could face anything. Dean held on to his angel and felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that he had this man at his side.