Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or its characters.

Note: Okay, something a little bit different from my usual musical parodies. Just note that I love Harry Potter (Ravenclaw forever!) and this is obviously all in good fun. Before you ask, yes, I will be doing all seven books, and yes, they will all be under this Harry Potter Parody story (so chapter 2 will be Chamber of Secrets and so on). Love it? Leave me a review! (And yes, I refer to it as the Sorcerer's Stone because I am American, deal with it)


Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

or

Harry Potter and the Year Where I Beat Voldemort with the Power of Touch!

In the Village of Exposition

Voldemort: LULZ, killing is fun!

Baby Harry: Goo goo ga ga?

Voldemort: Gah! The baby is too cute for its own good! AVADA-

Baby Harry: I don't think so! Love shield, activate!

Voldemort: FML *goes into some dark realm for 10 years*

Vernon Dursley: Things are normal around here. Normal, normal, normal. I'm sure my nephew whose name I forget won't turn up at our door at all!

Cat McGonagall: Meow. Foreshadowing!

Dumbledore: Well, Voldemort is gone.

Human McGonagall: *shudder* don't say that name!

Dumbledore: VOLDEMORT, VOLDEMORT, VOLD—

McGonagall: Shh! The Muggles will hear!

Dumbledore: Oh, fine. Well, let's just leave Harry here with his Muggle relatives. I'm sure they won't be abusive at all, right?

McGonagall: I'm sure these will be the best years of his life!

Baby Harry: Foreshadowing!

Ten long years of child abuse later…

Harry: I wonder when I'll finally come out of the closet…

Toy Soldier: I'd say in about a year or two. Or this week. Depends on what closet you're referring to here.

Harry: What?

Toy Soldier: Never mind that, you'll find out soon enough.

Harry: Mmkay.

Dudley: I'm going to the zoo and you aren't, bitch!

Harry: Oh, drat. Guess I'll have to stay at home and watch TV, then.

Aunt Petunia: I don't think so! You can come, too. But we'll still treat you like crap.

Harry: Ah, darn. I was gonna watch reruns of Britain's Next Top Model, too.

Dudley: …you're so weird, cousin.

Brazilian Snake: Hola, weird kid with glasses!

Harry: HOLY CRAP A SNAKE IS TALKING TO ME! Cool.

Brazilian Snake: You know what would be totally hilarious?

Harry: No, what?

Brazilian Snake: If this glass disappeared and I was set free among those tourists causing them to scream and run away in terror even though I'm quite harmless.

Harry: That DOES sound hilarious! *makes glass disappear*

Brazilian Snake: I'mmmmm….outta here!

Harry: WAIT! WHY CAN'T I TALK TO MONKEYS, TOO? Well, that was weird.

In the House of Child Abuse

Uncle Vernon: Well, we're back to our normal, boring lives! Fetch me the mail, slave nephew whom I'm positive isn't magical at all. Because that wouldn't be normal.

Harry: Mmkay. I've got nothing better to do anyway. Oh look, a letter addressed to me! I wonder if it's that snake I talked to! Or maybe I won the sweepstakes!

Uncle Vernon: You talked to a snake?

Harry: *shifty eyes* …no…

Uncle Vernon: Well then. Oh, is that a letter from Hog—that uh, place?

Harry: You mean Hogwarts?

Uncle Vernon: Shit! *takes letter away from Harry*

Harry: BUT I THOUGHT HOGWARTS WAS THE SWEEPSTAKES PEOPLE!

Uncle Vernon: I hate them sweepstakes people! No more mail ever again!

Harry: But what about your Playboy magazines?

Uncle Vernon: …I hate you, nephew.

A few days and many hundreds of letters later

Uncle Vernon: Eff this noise! To random adventures we go!

In the Seaside Hut of OMGI'MAWIZARD!

Harry: It sucks trying to "entertain" yourself on your birthday in a rickety old hut…

Hagrid: Well, get used to that feeling, because you're off to boarding school!

Harry: Boarding school? And what the crap are you?

Hagrid: Why, I'm a half-giant, of course! And you're a wizard!

Harry: Like…David Copperfield? Harry Houdini? That kind of thing?

Hagrid: No, like, real magic.

Harry: …and my childhood idols are now ruined forever.

Hagrid: Come on, Harry! I know I just met you and all, but let's go to this magic school you've surely heard of!

Harry: What magic school?

Hagrid: Hogwarts, of course!

Harry: I thought Hogwarts was the sweepstakes company.

Hagrid: *facepalm* Just…just get in the flying motorcycle, would you?

In the Wizard Version of an Outdoor Mall

Harry: Hey, you said there was gonna be real magic!

Hagrid: There is. I'm just not allowed to use a wand.

Harry: Why not?

Hagrid: You'll find out next year.

Harry: Mmkay. And why the hell does everyone know my name?

Hagrid: You'll also find that out soon enough, Boy Who Lived.

Harry: My name is Harry, not Boy Who Lived.

Hagrid: Err…anyway, let's go shopping!

Harry: Icky! Shopping's for girls!

Hagrid: *opens gateway to Diagon Alley*

Harry: ZOMG AWESOMESAUCE!

In the Bank of Underground Roller Coasters

Harry: So this is like, an amusement park type thing?

Hagrid: Um, no. This is a bank.

Harry: *loudly* BUT LOOK AT ALL THE MIDGITS IN COSTUMES!

Hagrid: Those are goblins! And great, you pissed them off.

Harry: Oops. Hey, so I'm rich, right?

Hagrid: Yep, loaded.

Harry: AWW RIIIIGHT!

Hagrid: …hoo boy.

In the Wand Shop of Exposition

Ollivander: Oh em gee, that wand SO does not go with your eyes! Try this one instead. Phoenix feather is MUCH more suitable for you than unicorn hair or dragon heartstring!

Harry: Works for me, I gue—holy crap, what's happening?!

Ollivander: Told you! The flashy lights and sudden gusts of wind means that THIS! IS! YOUR! WAAAANNNND! *game show music blares from the back room*

Harry: Waiiiiit a second, I have a bad feeling about this.

Ollivander: Oh yeah, your wand is brothers with the wand of an evil dude.

Harry: …I regret saying anything.

In the Train Station of Redheaded Loudmouths

Harry: Platform 9 ¾? Where the bloody hell can that possibly be?

Molly Weasley: OH MY ROWLING, YOU GUYS! ANOTHER YEAR AND WE'RE OFF TO HOGWARTS ONCE AGAIN! AREN'T YOU GUYS SO EXCITED TO GO BACK TO HOGWARTS? IF ONLY ALL THOSE MUGGLES WEREN'T HERE!

Harry: Maybe the loud yelling redhead lady knows where to go! Excuse me, loud yelling redhead lady, but do you know how to get to Platform 9 ¾?

Molly Weasley: OF COURSE I DO! JUST RUN INTO THAT WALL OVER THERE!

Harry: …you've *got* to be kidding.

On the Train of Characters Who Surely Won't Be Important at All

Harry: Ahh, I get this whole cabin all to myself! AND it's totally bigger than my bedroom at home! This is the life, I say.

Ron: HEY! CAN I SIT HERE?

Harry: Oh great, you're one of those loud redheaded people.

Ron: What? Oh no, that's just my mom. I'm totally different.

Harry: Cool! Well, I'm Harry Potter.

Ron: OH. MY WIZARD GOD. NO. WAY.

Harry: Why does everyone always act like I'm famous or something?

Ron: You don't even know about…?

Harry: What?

Ron: Oh, never mind. You'll find out soon enough.

Harry: Mmkay.

Hermione: Hey future best friend and future husband, have you seen a toad?

Ron: Yeah, I've seen a toad.

Hermione: Great! Where?

Ron: Look in the mirror and you'll find it!

Harry: That wasn't…okay, that was kind of funny.

Hermione: …I hate you guys already. But I'll probably change my mind about that by November, so we're good.

Draco: Oi! Who wants to be MY best friend? How about you, famous kid?

Harry: But WHY am I famous?

Draco: …or maybe not.

Harry: Are we there yet?

Ron: No.

Harry: Are we there YET?

Ron: No.

Harry: Are we—

Ron: Shut up.

Harry: Okay.

In the Cafeteria of AWESOME

Harry: So this IS boarding school! I knew it!

Ron: What? No, this is totally a magic school, trust me.

Harry: Then why would we have dorms?

Ron: …you poor clueless creature.

McGonagall: So just place the magic talking hat on your head and it will tell you what dorm you'll live in for the next seven years! And no tradesies.

Harry: Sounds legit to me!

Sorting Hat: Dude, you should totally be in the evil house. After all, you can talk to snakes, and green would look SO fabulous with your eyes!

Harry: But…but I wanna be with Ron!

Sorting Hat: Trust me, you and Draco are destined for each other.

Harry: What?

Sorting Hat: Oh, forget it, I'm putting you in Gryffindor.

Harry: EFF YEAAAH!

In the Dungeons of Fun-Sucking Teachers

Snape: I hate all of you. Except the Slytherins in the room. They rock!

Harry: You're gonna make my life miserable for the next seven years, aren't you?

Snape: Yes.

Harry: …well this sucks.

In the Hut of Half-Giant Groundskeepers

Harry: Hey, isn't it totally weird that the bank was broken into the same exact day that I went there? And the exact same vault I went to? Is that a wacky coincidence or what?

Ron: Erm, maybe it's not a coincidence after all.

Harry: No, has to be, definitely.

Ron: You're hopeless.

Harry: I know!

The Lesson of HOLY CRAP WE CAN FLY!

Harry: Ah man, I love the feel of wood in my hands.

Broomstick: That's not phallic at all, man.

Harry: …are you trying to say I'm gay or something?

Broomstick: Nah. Well, maybe. We'll see in a couple years.

Harry: Mmkay.

Neville: I fail at life!

Draco: And I'm a prat!

Harry: OH MY GOODNESS, I CAN'T LET THIS INJUSTICE SIT!

Draco: Why do you care about Neville?

Harry: BECAUSE I SLEEP WITH HIM!

Everyone: *silence*

Harry: Gawd. He's my roommate. Get a grip!

McGonagall: Harry! Instead of taking a zillion points from Gryffindor, I'm just gonna go get…Wood.

Harry: AW SWEET, VIOLENT ARCHAIC BRITISH PUNISHMENT!

Wood: Hey, Harry.

Harry: …darn.

Wood: So you like flying?

Harry: Oh yes, I love the feel of wood between my legs!

Wood: Um. Okay then. Wanna be our Seeker?

Harry: For a sport I don't understand the rules of? Sure, why not?

The Hallway of HOLY SHIT, A THREE HEADED DOG!

Hermione: We'll all gonna get in trouble!

Harry: Ha! I'm totally famous, even though I don't know why yet, so I can't possibly get in trouble. I'm cool, I'm fly, get what I say, yo?

Ron: …again I say, you're hopeless.

Neville: Can we get out of here? I'm breaking into hives, which only happens when I'm around dogs.

Ron: Don't be silly, there aren't any dogs here?

Fluffy: Hey guys!

All: HOLY MOTHER OF—

Hermione: Did you notice the trapdoor?

Ron: HOW COULD I WHEN THERE WAS A MASSIVE DOG WITH TWO EXRA HEADS IN A SMALL ROOM WHICH WE WERE IN?

Hermione: Someday, we're gonna be married.

Ron: Ew! Girls have cooties!

Hermione: Harry's not the only hopeless one, it seems.

The Night of WE FOUGHT A TROLL AND IT WAS EPIC!

Harry: Don't you feel bad that you made Hermione cry after Charms?

Ron: Hmm, let me think abou—no.

Harry: You're an ass.

Ron: Pot, I do believe you're calling the kettle black.

Harry: What does that even mean?

Ron: I don't know okay? All I know is that a massive—and I do mean massive in the literal sense—plot point is waiting for us in the girl's bathroom.

Harry: Okay, let's go!

Ron: What part of 'massive' didn't you understand?!

Harry: The 'massive' part, now let's go!

Troll: Durrrr.

Ron: I sure hope the spell I teased Hermione about—she's such a grammar Nazi—will come in handy right about now!

Troll: I wish my brain were bigger!

Hermione: Hey, you said it correctly that time!

Ron: Yeah, I uh, I guess I did there.

Hermione: Wanna be friends?

Ron: Well, I still think girls have cooties, but…eh, why not?

The Game of Soccer in the Sky

Harry: Wheeeeee! Flying is so much fun! Everyone looks like ants from up here!

Ron: I swear, that boy is hopeless.

Hermione: You know, Quidditch dates all the way back to—

Ron: Don't care.

Harry: Whoa! Why is my broom suddenly doing The Jerk?

Hermione: Looks like it's time to save the day with my intellect!

Ron: That's…kinda cool, I guess. But you still have cooties.

Hermione: Snape's totally the one doing this, right?

Ron: Oh, definitely.

Hermione: In that case, I'll be right back.

Neville: You know, she's kind of awesome.

Ron: Shut up, Longbottom.

Hermione: I set fiiiiiiiiiiire to the Snape!

Snape: Hey, I like that song—oh, she said Snape didn't she. Just my luck.

Harry: Hey! I caught the shiny golden ball!

Ron: Heh. You said ball.

Hermione: Hagrid, wasn't Snape totally messing with Harry's broom?

Hagrid: I'm positive that it certainly was not Snape.

Hermione: How positive are you?

Hagrid: As positive as I am that I have a three-headed dog named Fluffy.

Harry: What was that again?

Hagrid: Uh, nothing! It's not like Nicholas Flamel is a name you'll need to know!

Ron: Nicholas what?

Hagrid: …oh look at the time, I should go and actually take care of the grounds. Bye!

Harry: …that was weird. Well, who wants cake?

Hermione: You know, Ron's right; you are hopeless.

During Those Winter Holiday Times

Ron: So my mother knit you an ugly sweater and you got some, I don't know, chocolate or something from some people. Other than that, it's a pretty ordinary Christmas.

Harry: Sure beats my last Christmas that I spent with the mice!

Ron: …right-o.

Harry: Hey look, a weird robe! Cool! Hey, I'm gonna dress up like Dumbledore for next Halloween like this—dunno why we celebrate Halloween 'cause that's kind of more of an American holiday—but I never pass up the chance to dress up!

Ron: Dude, that's an invisibility cloak.

Harry: THAT'S EVEN COOLER! Let's scare people! Ooh, we can totally pretend to be ghosts, like Nearly-Headless Nick!

Ron: Or we can sneak around the castle getting into all sorts of trouble, maybe even sneaking a dragon off to my brother in Romania, eavesdrop on important expository conversations, go into the girl's dorms while they're changing…

Harry: Or we can go to the LIBRARY!

Ron: …seriously?

Harry: Look, if I tie this around my neck, I can be a superhero!

Ron: I'm just gonna…go downstairs now…

In the Halls of I'm-Sure-Nothing-Important-Is-In-These-Empty-Class rooms

Harry: Well, the library was a bust. There were absolutely no pictures of pretty ponies, or even comic books! It was all, like, magic stuff with funny words that only Hermione can read. Hmm, maybe this classroom will be a cool spot to hang out for a little while. Ron snores like a drunken sailor, after all.

Mirror of Erised: Hey there big boy, wanna see your future?

Harry: Sure, why not? I've got nothing better to do at 2 A.M.

Mirror of Erised: I feel ya.

Harry: RON OH MY GOSH YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND WHEN I WAS ILLEGALLY ROAMING THE CORRIDORS TONIGHT!

Ron: A naked girl? Snape in bunny slippers? A thousand Galleons?

Harry: No! A mirror that can tell the future!

Ron: Sweet! Let's go see it!

Harry: I TOTALLY SAW—

Ron: What?

Harry: Um. Just…stuff. You'll find out in a few years.

Ron: Mmkay.

Dumbledore: You know what I see? Socks. Definitely socks.

Harry: Where have you been this entire time?

Dumbledore: …thinking about socks.

Ron: Is 'socks' code for 'my gay lover'?

Dumbledore: …not at all, my dear boy.

In the Common Room of More Exposition

Harry: OKAY SO I TOTALLY FIGURED OUT WHO NICHOLAS FLAMEL IS!

Neville: Actually, *I* did that.

Harry: Did you say something?

Neville: Not at all, Harry.

Harry: Good. Anyway, Flamel does something with…I dunno, fire and melding and stuff—you're better with the big words, Hermione—and yeah, that's who he is.

Hermione: He's the only known maker of the philosopher's stone, Harry. Or, I suppose, sorcerer's stone if you want to be American.

Harry: Cool! What is that?

Hermione: It makes the Elixir of Life, which can make you immortal.

Harry: I'm down!

Back in the Hut of Half-Giant Groundskeepers

Harry: So we heard you had a dragon egg.

Hagrid: What? No dragon egg here, no sir.

Hermione: Then what's that large egg in the fireplace?

Hagrid: …my breakfast. I'm a big fellow, Hermione. I gotta eat.

Hermione: Then why is it moving?

Hagrid: I…okay, so it's a dragon egg. But you can't tell anyone!

Ron: Seems legit to me!

Hermione: But it's against the law!

Ron: …you just suck the fun out of everything, don't you? Luckily, I happen to conveniently have a brother who raises dragons.

Hermione: How fortunate for us!

Harry: AND WE CAN USE MY COOL NEW ROBE TO SNEAK IT AWAY!

Ron: You know, for once, you actually have a good idea.

Harry: Sometimes I even surprise myself!

In the Tower of Let's-Sneak-a-Dragon-Away-I'm-Sure-We-Won't-Get-Ca ught

Hermione: It sure was 'convenient' that Ron got an injury that prevented him from helping us take this dragon to meet his own brother.

Harry: Are you being sarcastic?

Hermione: Boys. I swear.

Draco: LOOK, SEE, I TOLD YOU THEY WERE GONNA BE HERE!

McGonagall: Where's the dragon, then?

Draco: I…uh…yeah, where is that thing anyway?

Harry: In yo' face, Malfoy!

McGonagall: Right back at you, Mr. Potter. Detentions for everyone!

Harry: Aw man!

McGonagall: I love being in charge.

In the Forest of WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

Harry: Well, this sucks. But at least I don't have to listen to Ron's snoring.

Hermione: Ron snores? Is…is he cute when he sleeps?

Harry: Uh, I don't know?

Hermione: Oh. Um. Carry on, then.

Hagrid: We're going to find a unicorn tonight, you guys, so be careful.

Harry: Oh my gosh, a unicorn! I love unicorns! They're so pretty!

Draco: …and you're the famous one?

Harry: Yeppers! Although I'm still not sure why I am. And I wanna go into the scary forest alone with you, Draco. If I get scared, I can hold your hand!

Draco: …oh Wizard God, why me?

Harry: Oh no! Draco, look, the poor pretty unicorn is dead!

Draco: Um, Harry?

Harry: This is so sad! I can't believe anyone would do such a thing!

Draco: Harry?

Harry: WHY DOES THIS PERSON HATE UNICORNS?!

Draco: HARRY!

Harry: Yeah?

Draco: There's a big hooded thing over there.

Harry: Why yes, yes there is.

Draco: Scream and run?

Harry: Gladly.

Centaurs: Blah foreshadowing blah exposition blah Mars.

Harry: Well, that was weird.

Once Again in the Hut of Half-Giant Groundskeepers

Harry: Where does one even buy dragon eggs, Hagrid?

Hagrid: Well, they certainly don't win them from strangers in pubs.

Harry: Come again?

Hagrid: Err, that story is a bit inappropriate for a young boy like you. Anyway, so did you know that three-headed dogs really like music?

Harry: Why, no. No I did not. But thanks for telling me!

Hagrid: But I—oh, darn it. I need to stop advancing the plot like that.

Back in the Hallway of HOLY SHIT, A THREE HEADED DOG!

Hermione: Well, now that we've rendered one of our fellow Gryffindors unconscious, what should we do next?

Ron: Go down the trap door, of course! And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one here. Girls, I tell ya! They think they know everything!

Hermione: I'll ignore that comment. Now, what music should we play to Fluffy to help it—oh wait, I believe Hagrid said it was a him—fall asleep?

Ron: Uh, 'Lose Yourself'?

Hermione: No, we should play 'Ode to Joy'.

Harry: What about 'Oops! I Did It Again'?

Ron: …no, I actually have nothing to say to that.

Hermione: Oh, whatever. Let's just play 'Happy Birthday' and get it over with.

In the Chamber of Giant Strangling Plants

Harry: This is totally like Little Shop of Horrors!

Ron: Again, I have nothing to say to that.

Hermione: Thank goodness I paid attention in Herbology or these two would be deader than a squirrel running through Piccadilly Circle during rush hour.

In the Chamber of Random Flying Keys

Harry: OMG A BROOM! WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN?!

Hermione: My scientific deduction would be that one of us has to ride it to get the key needed to open the door.

Harry: I call shotgun!

Hermione: Men. You can't tell them anything, can you?

Ron: I take offense to that, woman!

Hermione: Oh, just admit that you like me and get it over with.

Ron: Give me a couple more years.

In the Chamber of the Coolest Chess Game EVER

Harry: Look, Ron, something you're finally good at!

Ron: Ignoring you right now. And because I'm super-cool, I'm gonna be a knight. Kings have way too much responsibility. Knights are way cooler.

Hermione: But you'd have to eventually sacrifice yourself—believe me, I know, I've studied all the millions of chess moves that you can make—and knights rarely are among the last pieces standing.

Ron: I guess you're right. Maybe. Whatever. This book is about Harry, remember? Although I wish it was all about me, because obviously I'm smarter than Harry.

Harry: What was that?

Ron: Nothing. I'm just gonna sacrifice myself now so you two can go on, okay?

Harry: Sounds like a plan!

In the Chamber of Purple Fire

Hermione: Harry, go over there and DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. Just give me a couple of minutes to figure this one out. AND DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.

Harry: Sheesh, I heard you the first time, lady!

Hermione: Also, I'm abandoning you so you can fight the Dark Lord.

Harry: Who is that again?

Hermione: Honestly, why do I even bother?

In the Chamber of HOLY CRAP THIS MAN HAS TWO FACES!

Quirrell: Well, it was about time I showed up here!

Harry: Who are you?

Quirrell: …Professor Quirrell.

Harry: Oh yeah. I didn't recognize you without the stutter.

Quirrell: But…never mind. You never were the brightest of students.

Harry: Hey, why are you wearing a turban? Are you some kind of terrorist or something?

Quirrell: I have…another part.

Harry: YOU'RE SECRETLY A WOMAN?!

Quirrell: No! I just happen to have the soul of an evil, evil, EVIL wizard attached to the back of my head. No big deal.

Harry: Oh. Okay. So what do I do now?

Quirrell: Why don't you ask the Dark Lord?

Harry: Great! I finally get to meet this mysterious guy!

Voldemort: Actually, I'm kind of a parasite right now.

Harry: HOLY SHIT AN EVIL TALKING HEAD ON THE BACK OF MY PROFESSOR'S HEAD! KILL IT WITH FIRE! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Voldemort: You'll never take me alive, never!

Harry: Quick, I'll put my hands out in front of me for self-defense!

Voldemort: That's my downfaaaaaaaaalllllll—

Harry: I defeated a crazy guy with the power of touch! Heh heh. Wonder if these powers will work on Professor Snape, too…

In the Hospital Wing of Even More Freaking Exposition

Harry: So I remember shiny things, evil dudes, and like, turbans, man.

Dumbledore: That shiny thing was the sorcerer's stone, Harry.

Harry: Cool! So can I be immortal now?

Dumbledore: Uh, no. I kinda destroyed it.

Harry: Aw man!

Dumbledore: Anyway, you are protected by a love shield until you're seventeen, at which point, well, you're on your own, kid.

Harry: Sounds good to me!

In the Great Hall of Cool End-of-Year Ceremonies

Dumbledore: Hermione gets points for being a smart-alec, Ron gets points for being a super-awesome chess knight, and Harry gets points for defeating some dark wizard.

Neville: Hey! What about me?

Dumbledore: And Neville gets points for being a pansy.

Neville: Hooray!

Dumbledore: I've always hated green. On with the red!

At the Train Station of Goodbyes

Ron: So what do you think will happen this summer?

Harry: Well, a house-elf might show up in my bedroom and tell me not to come back to Hogwarts, ruin a dinner party, cause my abusive uncle to lock me in my room, thus forcing you and your twin brothers to rescue me via flying car. But what are the odds of that happening? I don't even know what a house-elf is!

Ron: …right-o.

Harry: Besides, I'm Harry freakin' Potter! What could possibly go wrong this summer?

The End