Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any references I may make.

Note: Well, moving on to Chamber of Secrets! It's not by any means my least favorite of the books/movies, but it definitely plays into my huge fear of spiders (and snakes, for that matter). Hope you like! (And yes, I make many, MANY references and Harry's an idiot in this parody)


Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

or

Harry Potter and the Year I Beat Teenage Voldemort with His Girly Diary!

In the House of Child Abuse

Harry: I wish I was back at boarding school. Those classes were totally fun. Not to mention the food was so much better than it is here.

Dobby: Hey-ho!

Harry: What in the crap are you?!

Dobby: A house-elf, sir. Basically a slave. And as Dobby understands it, Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts.

Harry: No I go to…oh yeah, I forgot that Hogwarts was the name of the school.

Dobby: And you're the famous Harry Potter?

Harry: Seriously, man. I don't even know why I'm famous.

Dobby: …right. Well, anyway, Harry's friends have been ignoring him—funny how Dobby happens to know that—and Hogwarts is bad. Very bad. Very, very bad. So why doesn't Harry stay home this year? Can't be all that bad.

Harry: But what's 'very bad' at Hogwarts?

Dobby: Erm, Harry Potter will find out in like, nine months or so.

Harry: OH MY WIZARD GOD, HERMIONE IS PREGNANT?

Dobby: Dobby has met trolls that were smarter than you.

Harry: Hey, wanna see my—wait, where did it go?

Dobby: Just to get the plot rolling, no big deal.

Vernon Dursley: Child abuse a go-go!

Harry: Aw man! Time to go sulk in my room. Gosh, if only my best friend could fly up in a car with his twin brothers and save me! Oh, who am I kidding; Ron wouldn't take his twin brothers. He'd take Percy, for sure.

Ron: For the love of all things magic, just get in the damn flying Ford Anglia.

Harry: Sounds legit to me!

In the Most Awesome Wizard House Ever

Molly Weasley: MY SONS ARE SUCH AN EMBARRASSMENT. WIZARD GOD. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THEM? Oh, hi Harry. Nice to see you.

Harry: Does she always yell like that?

Ron: Pretty much, yeah. You get used to it.

Harry: Guess there's not much left to do but to spend the rest of the summer here!

Ron: Yes, but first we have to go get our SCHOOL SUPPLIES!

Harry: You've been spending too much time around Hermione.

In the Outdoor Wizard Shopping Mall

Harry: Whoa, that was some acid trip! But hey, this store looks pretty cool. And by cool I mean creepy, damn.

Hagrid: For the love of…just…just get over here, Harry.

Harry: Okay. I need to go meet the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor anyway. Maybe he won't die like the last one.

Lockhart: I am clearly the prettiest wizard in all of England!

Molly Weasley: Damn straight!

Ron: Ugh, I might hurl.

Harry: But look at his lustrous wavy locks of hair!

Ron: I…no. Just no.

Lockhart: Wow, Harry Potter! Look, kid: you're famous. I'm famous. Let's be famous together! What do you say to that?

Harry: Sign me up!

Ron: Seriously. I might vomit.

In the Train Station of Oh Crap We Can't Get Through!

Harry: Told you we should've gone first.

Ron: Well, what should we do now?

Harry: We should wait for your parents, definitely. Or we could fly on our brooms!

Ron: Or we could take the FLYING CAR THAT HAPPENS TO BE IN THE PARKING LOT. WHICH IS MIGHTY CONVENIENT.

Harry: That works too. Let's go!

In the Flying Car of Awesome!

Harry: Wait a minute. We're twelve. We can't drive!

Ron: Oh yeah. Should've thought about that before we crashed into this tree.

Harry: Yes, we should have. Well, what do we do now?

Ron: Sneak into the castle and hope Snape doesn't catch us?

Harry: Good idea.

In the Cafeteria of AWESOME!

Molly Weasley: RONALD.

Harry: Ha! Ronald.

Molly Weasley. Ahem. RONALD. ACT UP AGAIN AND WE'LL BRING YOU HOME. TO ME. WHERE I WILL TREAT YOU LIKE MY LITTLE RONNIKINS FOREVER AND EVER.

Harry: Ha! Ronnikins.

Ron: Shut up.

Harry: Nah, man. I'm never gonna let you live this one down.

In the Greenhouses of Why-Are-We-Here-Again-Oh-Yeah-Exposition

Harry: Plants…are so cool.

Neville: Hey, only I can say that!

Harry: Bite me, Neville.

Hermione: Honestly, don't you two know? This mandrakes will just happen to be very, very important later on, as in about nine months from now.

Harry: HERMIONE, YOU'RE PREGNANT? IT'S RON, ISN'T IT.

Hermione: I'm going to refrain from hitting my head on the table right now.

In the Classroom of Men with Good Hair

Lockhart: Who wants to take a test about me?

Harry: I do! I do!

Ron: Honestly, Harry. People are gonna start talking…

Harry: But he's so…dreamy!

Hermione: Damn straight.

Outdoors Somewhere Unspecific and Irrelevant

Marcus Flint: Your team's going DOWN, Wood!

Harry: Heh. Wood. Going down. LAWL.

Hermione: Real mature, Harry.

Draco: We'll see who's going down on who later, Potter.

Harry: What?

Draco: You'll see in a couple years.

Harry: Okay.

Draco: For now, I'll just resort to racist-y insults towards icky girls.

Ron: DON'T INSULT MY FUTURE WIFE!

Hermione: Wh…wh…Ron?!

Ron: Hush, icky girl, I'm too busy barfing slugs right now to explain to you!

Harry: Should we like, get help or something?

Hermione: Nah, just leave him. It'll pass in a few hours.

In the Office of Men with Good Hair

Lockhart: You know, famous people don't usually get detention, Harry.

Harry: But I get to spend more time with you!

Lockhart: I always knew I liked you, kid.

Harry: Also, I'm hearing voices.

Lockhart: …right.

Harry: Well, I'm gonna go follow the voices now. They're telling me that death and destruction is upon us! And something about Draco, but I tuned that part out.

Ron: I can't believe you had to answer fan mail. What a cushy detention! I just had to polish trophies a zillion times. One which belonged to a later plot point…person…thing.

In the Dungeon of Ghost Parties

Harry: Why are we here again?

Hermione: Because Nearly-Headless Nick invited you—us—here, Harry.

Harry: Oh yeah. Didn't he say something about a Vanishing Cabinet?

Ron: Yeah, I thought I heard those words. But those things are rare, and you need two of them to work, anyways. So the odds of one becoming a future plot point are like, nil.

Harry: I'm hearing voices again!

Hermione: Finally, reason to submit you for psychological testing…

Ron: Hey, what's that writing on the wall?

Hermione: Those are words, and I would know, because I read lots.

Ron: I read too, you know! But looks like the Chamber of Secrets is open again.

Harry: Whatever that is. Wait, isn't that Filch's cat?

Ron: I've got a bad feeling about this…

Filch: OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

Snape: Now, that's irrational. I think a good whipping will do.

Harry: Ooh, kinky.

Snape: …I'm going to walk away now.

At the Game of Soccer in the Sky

Wood: Now go out there and win! And if you don't…let's just say things won't be very pretty around here. And I mean that. I'm Scottish.

Harry: I just love the feeling of my broom between my legs!

Fred: …err…you do know what that means, right?

George: Oh, leave him, Fred. I love random innuendoes.

Harry: Hey, why is that shiny black thing headed straight towards—OH SNAP.

Lockhart: I can totally fix that! Abracadabra!

Ron: That's not REAL magic. Idiot.

Harry: You mean to tell me that 'abracadabra' is a lie?!

Ron: And here we go again…

In the Hospital of I'm-Sure-The-Students-Are-Safe-Trust-Me

Pomfrey: Why did you let that moron 'fix' your arm?

Harry: BECAUSE HE HAS WONDERFUL HAIR.

Pomfrey: Oh shut up and receive your visit from a crazy house-elf.

Dobby: Dobby is not crazy! But someone here is. So leave, sir.

Harry: Nyah nyah, I'm here to stay, crazy!

McGonagall: So should we tell the children that there's a monster on the loose?

Dumbledore: Nah, let's wait until it drags someone into the Chamber of Secrets.

Harry: That's the second time they've mentioned that thing! I wonder what it is…

In Some Random Hallway Somewhere

Hermione: Polyjuice Potion.

Ron: Not…Polyjuice Potion.

Hermione: Yes. Polyjuice Potion.

Ron: NO. WAY.

Hermione: YES. WAY.

Harry: What are you two talking about?

Hermione: Oh, nothing. You'll find out in, oh, a month?

Harry: Sounds good to me. So who wants lunch?

In the Random Room of Not-So-Epic Duels

Lockhart: I'm sure you kids won't use this AT ALL in like, TWO YEARS, HARRY.

Harry: Wow, that Knut on the floor sure is shiny…

Lockhart: Oh dear. Maybe Professor Snape can help me here.

Snape: Nothing, I'm afraid, can help Mr. Potter. Or his dead father. Who I hate.

Lockhart: Oh, lighten up, Greasy! Potter, Malfoy, get up here and snog!

Harry: WHAT?!

Lockhart: Duel! I said duel. Clearly.

Harry: Sure ya did. But eh, why not.

Draco: Let's just do this thing, Potter.

Ron: Oh man, I wish I had one of those Muggle video things right about now.

Harry: HEY DRACO. HAVE YOU SEEN MY WAND?

Ron: …Harry. Never. Say that. Again. For Wizard God's sake.

Hermione: Look out for that snake, Harry!

Harry: What? Oh, a cute little snake!

Snake: Bitch, I ain't cute. And that Hufflepuff looks mad tasty, yo.

Harry: I can't have any ghetto snakes on MY runway!

Ron: Did he just say runway?

Hermione: I heard runway.

Harry: SO LONG, FAREWELL, AUF WEIDERSEN, GOODBYE!

Snake: Showtunes?! Anything but that!

Harry: Ron! Hermione! Guess what! I talk to snakes!

Hermione: …and?

Harry: AND I HEAR VOICES THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN HEAR!

Hermione: That's called schizophrenia, Harry.

Harry: Nah, it's gotta be magic.

Ron: What were you saying about submitting him for psychological testing?

Somewhere in Hogwarts for a Random Semi-Important Plot Point

Dumbledore: How do you petrify a ghost?

Harry: Is this one of those riddles? I'm not good at those. Ask Hermione, she'll know.

Dumbledore: Sigh. So did you do it?

Harry: No! I love Nearly-Headless Nick! He's my House's ghost!

Dumbledore: Okay. I'll go and meander until the plot calls for me again.

In the Girl's Restroom That Happens to be Haunted

Myrtle: Hiya, Harry! You're the cutest boy to ever come in here.

Harry: Wait, do boys come in here often?

Myrtle: Well, one did. The day I died. Fifty years ago.

Harry: Sure, whatever.

Hermione: Bottoms up! AND KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, HARRY.

Harry: Aw, man! Okay. Oh, so THIS is Polyjuice—ohcrap.

Hermione: Why are YOU saying "oh crap"? I'm the one who—

Ron: No time to waste! Let's go question Draco! I'm like, a million percent sure that he's the heir of Slytherin because, you know, snakes and he's mean and stuff.

Harry: I can't see Draco right now! I'm fat! And ugly!

Ron: …just…just follow me, okay?

In the Evil Dudes Living Room in the Evil House

Draco: All I can tell you is that I'm most definitely NOT the heir of Slytherin. How could I be? My last name is MALFOY, not Slytherin.

Harry: Gosh, you're sexy when you talk all smart.

Draco: Are you feeling okay, evil minion?

Ron: He's…challenged. And we're outta here.

Draco: But I thought we were going to make plans to get revenge on—

Ron: No time! Hungry! Bye!

In the Girl's Restroom That Happens to be Haunted

Myrtle: I HATE LIFE.

Harry: But you're not ALIVE! OOH! BURN!

Myrtle: SCREW YOU. AND HAVE A DIARY WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

Harry: What?

Myrtle: Just…take the plot point, okay?

Harry: Sounds good to me! I can write my secret feelings for Dr…um, for someone.

Ron: What was that?

Harry: TAG, YOU'RE IT!

Ron: I could've sworn he…hmm.

In Harry's Boudoir of Plot Points Revealed

Harry: Once upon a time, there was an AWESOME kid named—

Diary: HARRY POTTER.

Harry: Yeah, that's it! How'd you know?

Diary: I have my ways.

Harry: Can you like, tell into the future?

Diary: No. But I can reveal what happened in the PAST. Hint, hint.

Harry: Well, that's no fun.

Diary: Too bad, chump. Let's go!

In the Hogwarts PAST-TIMES!

Tom Riddle: I'm totally not evil. Nope. I'm good, good, good.

Hagrid: Then why are you framing poor Aragog?

Tom Riddle: To prove that I'm totally not evil, duh!

Professor Dippet: Yeah, I don't know why I'm here, considering I'm not in any other book/movie except as a portrait in an office, but, eh, expel the kid.

Tom Riddle: Hooray!

Hagrid: …my life sucks.

Back in Harry's Boudoir of Plot Points Revealed

Harry: That was the WEIRDEST acid trip EVER.

Ron: So Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets?

Harry: Oh, definitely.

Ron: I'll add him to the handy-dandy notebook!

Preparing for the Game of Soccer in the Sky

Wood: Now remember, leave EVERYTHING up to Harry, mmkay?

Team Gryffindor: RIGHT!

McGonagall: Good luck! Oh, by the way, Hermione and Percy Weasley's Girlfriend whose name I can't remember because she's basically only in this book to serve as a plot point are in that weird unconscious state of mind that Mr. Filch's cat and that stalker kid of Potter's and that random Hufflepuff kid are in.

Harry: GAME CANCELLED. MY HERO SENSES ARE TINGLING.

Fred and George: And we can't let our future sister-in-law be Petrified! Let's go!

In Harry's Boudoir of Plot Points Revealed

Dean Thomas: I told you, Harry, to CLEAN UP YOUR SIDE OF THE ROOM!

Harry: It wasn't me, honest! This time, at least.

Seamus Finnegan: Then who did it?

Ron: Certainly wasn't my SISTER or anything like that…

Neville: What was that, Ron?

Ron: Nothing, Schlongbottom.

The Forest of HOLY CRAP, GIANT BLOODY SPIDERS!

Ron: Why are we here again? In the middle of the night? UNSUPERVISED?

Harry: Because the half-giant man told us to before he got arrested for RE-OPENING THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS! Geez, Ron. Follow the plot, much?

Ron: Well, no. The authoress neglected to write that scene.

Harry: Oh, yeah. Well, we're here now to find the giant terrifying—

Ron: DON'T SAY IT.

Harry: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice—

Ron: DON'T. SAY IT.

Harry: Oh, fine. Hey look, spiders! Let's follow them!

Ron: Okay, but if they try to kill us, don't count on my long-lost flying car to come and save us. Because, you know. It's long-lost for a reason.

Harry: Shut up. Mr. Aragog, sir…may we approach you?

Aragog: If you must. Is my master, Hagrid, okay?

Harry: Nah, he just got arrested. Look, we need to know if he, like, opened the Chamber of Secrets, saaayyy…about fifty years ago or so?

Aragog: Nay, he did not. I am an acromantula. The monster in the Chamber is a—

Harry: 'Kay thanks, we have all the information we need, bye!

Aragog: But I didn't get to eat you yet!

Ron: SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR, HARRY.

Harry: Car? Well, I'll be! Isn't that a convenient plot point come back to life!

Ron: Too bad we'll never see it again.

Harry: Yeah. Goodbye, old friend!

Ron: We'll miss you, flying car (last year—today).

In the Hospital of Hermione-Had-The-Answers-All-Along-Wow

Ron: Hermione's hand is so…smooth, so…wrinkled too—wait!

Harry: I'll bet that's a plot point! I'm starting to recognize them by now.

Ron: Indeed it is. Apparently the monster in the Chamber gets around through the plumbing—wow, what a smart thing—and it's a snake, a Basilisk, in fact, and the entrance to the Chamber is in that girly bathroom that's haunted!

Harry: Wow! I never would've thought of that!

Ron: How surprising. Let's kidnap Professor FancyPants and get going.

McGonagall: Wait! Don't you want to hear another plot point?

Harry: ANOTHER one? That's too much for my pea-sized brain to handle.

Ron: Sure, Professor. Lay it on us!

McGonagall: Oh yes, the youngest Weasley brother. Your little sister has been taken into the Chamber of Secrets. She's probably dead by now. So now YOU'RE the youngest Weasley in the family! Isn't that great!

Ron: …Mum's SO gonna kill me for this one.

In the Office of Men with Good Hair

Lockhart: I'm peacin' outta here, yo!

Ron: Not on my watch!

Harry: Yeah, not on HIS watch! And he does have a nice watch, by the way.

Ron: Shut up, Harry.

Harry: Shutting!

In the Girl's Restroom that Happens to be Haunted

Myrtle: So basically I ran into that stall, the third one over there, and I saw a pair of big yellow eyes and the next thing I know, I'm dead. Also there was a boy involved.

Harry: Yellow eyes? I bet it was Mrs. Norris!

Ron: Sigh. You're lucky you're handsome, Harry.

Lockhart: But not more handsome that me, right?

Ron: …sure, whatever. Let's just do this thing and get to the big feast at the end of the year, okay? I'm really, really hungry.

Harry: Open…sesame! Open…caraway! Open…macadamia! Open…pecan!

Ron: What was the password?

Harry: Um. Anyway. Let's plunge into this ominous-looking hole!

Ron: Finally, you make a non-homosexual sexual innuendo. Sort of, I guess.

Harry: Hey Ron, what has red hair, freckles, and ISN'T in the next chapter?

Ron: Who?

Harry: YOU! See ya and Professor Awesome Hair later!

Ron: That's not fair! Harry!

Somewhere Underneath Hogwarts

Harry: Ginny! Speak to me! Oh wait, you haven't said anything this whole book. Well, hold that thought. Just sit there and DON'T DIE, OKAY?

Tom Riddle: Heh heh heh, still totally NOT evil at all.

Harry: Hey, hold up! How could you be in the oldy-times AND here at the same time?

Tom Riddle: I'm a time lord, Harry.

Harry: Well, that makes perfect sense! I LOVE Dr. Who!

Tom Riddle: You know, I thought you would be smarter than this, having defeated me, I mean, Lord Voldemort, twice now.

Harry: Yeah, I still don't know how I did that.

Tom Riddle: Me, either, kid. Anyway, so Lord Voldemort was the Heir of Slytherin.

Harry: Gasp!

Tom Riddle: And Lord Voldemort and myself are the same person!

Harry: GASP! This is TOTALLY like Dr. Who!

Tom Riddle: …wow. Just…wow. Well, say hello to my little friend!

Harry: I don't want to see your pe—

Tom Riddle: NOT THAT LITTLE FRIEND! And it's not little.

Harry: It's not? Then I wanna see it!

Tom Riddle: …just…let the snake kill you, okay?

Harry: That's not cool, man. Not cool at all. I don't even have Ron or Hermione, my super-smart friends, here to help me!

Tom Riddle: Maybe I should've picked the Longbottom kid for the prophecy after all.

Harry: What was that about Neville?

Tom Riddle: You'll find out in three years, Harry. Just…let the snake kill you now.

Fawkes: Here, take this INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT, idiot boy!

Harry: Yay! Finally, a really cool plot point! A pointy stick thingy!

Fawkes: STAB THE SNAKE, YOU FOOL!

Harry: Right, right! I'll do that!

Basilisk: Sssscrew youuuu, Pottttterrrr!

Harry: Ah, crap. Hey, magic bird, can you like, take care of this?

Fawkes: Fine. But don't expect me to help you ever again. I mean it.

Harry: Hey look, a diary! Now I can finish my totally awesome story! Guess I'll just use this fang. Writing in blood will look cool, anyway.

Tom Riddle: No, don't do that!

Harry: What? Sorry, I can't hear you over the roaring noise and lights and stuff!

Tom Riddle: We'll meet again, Harry Potter!

Harry: Hahaha, no.

Ginny: You're TOTALLY AWESOME, Harry!

Harry: It speaks! Hooray! Let's go get your cute brother and our cute professor!

Ginny: Ew, my brother is a toad. But Lockhart is very cute, yes.

In Dumbledore's Super-Cool Office

Dumbledore: Thanks for destroying one of the Horcruxes! One down, six to go!

Harry: What's, uh, what's a Horcrux?

Dumbledore: Never mind, Harry; you'll find out soon enough.

Lucius Malfoy: My evil plan totally failed! No fair!

Harry: OH MY ROWLING, DOBBY IS YOUR HOUSE-ELF!

Lucius Malfoy: Indeed he is. Curse you, Harry Potter! I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dumb phoenix!

Harry: I can't stand to see house-elf injustice! Even though you tried to kill me a bunch of times, or otherwise tried to impede my life, I shall bestow upon you…A SOCK!

Dobby: Dobby's free, yessiree, Dobby's fr-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

Lucius Malfoy: I'll get you next time, Potter! Next time!

Dumbledore: Oh, Harry! Before you go, would you mind taking a glance at the VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT that happens to be hanging on the wall?

Harry: See ya later, Professor D.! I'm going to lunch!

Dumbledore: I like the Weasley kid so much better than him.

In the Cafeteria of AWESOME!

Harry: Hermione! You're okay!

Hermione: Thanks to you!

Harry: Actually, it was more so you and Ron. All I did was write in a diary.

Hermione: …ohhkayy…? Hey look, Hagrid's back!

Hagrid: Which one of you brats TP'd my hut?

Slytherins: Wasn't us! That's for sure!

Hagrid: Eh, whatever. Let's celebrate randomly!

Everyone: Yaaaaaay!

The End