A/N: Let me say right away that this is a story of both humor and the type of adventure involved in South Park. It's purely for fun. Also, this fic will contain rather nasty language, but what did you expect?
"Dude, Kenny, check it out!" Cartman shouted as he ran over to his blonde friend. He was holding his new magical wand and flaunting it shamelessly. "Dude, with this thing, everybody will respect my authoritah!" He looked at it with wide eyes. Kenny was a little embarrassed that the money that would buy him all his school things would be provided by a program at school. Plus he felt rather strange now that his voice wasn't muffled by his signature parka. Cartman could clearly read the expression on his poor friend's face. "Oh yeah, dude. Your family needs to borrow from that kick-ass school to buy your things! Hahahaha! You're so poor, Kenny!"
"Shut up fat-ass!" Kenny said loudly and angrily.
"Don't call me fat, you welfare-dependent son of a bitch!"
"What's going on?" Stan asked as he walked up to them through the crowded streets of Diagon Alley while looking at his own wand. Right behind him was Kyle. With these two present, all four of the boys were standing side-by-side as they always did, but rather than their usual winter attire, all of them sported black robes and pointy hats, as was a requirement for the school. Obviously, Kenny's was faded and had several patches all over it.
"Oh just the usual," Kenny answered as all of them observed each other with delight and interest. It was hard to believe that it had been a few days since some old guy had accosted them while they were fishing at Stark's Pond to tell them that all of them were wizards.
"Why do you think such surreal things happen to you four?" the old man, who said his name was Dumbledore, had asked.
"Because Kyle's a Jewish Daywalker?" Cartman had suggested. Kyle had then punched him square in the face.
Back in the present, the boys all simultaneously recalled this event in wonder. They stood there in utter silence, faces filled with delight.
The moment was broken by Kyle. "C'mon guys. I have to go get my wand now, then I'm done."
"Yeah, I gotta get mine too," Kenny said. He could tell his friends were both relieved that it was so much easier to understand him now, and rather uncomfortable with the change; it was just routine and now it was different.
Cartman spoke up as the four of them walked back towards Ollivander's. "We're gonna be there all Goddamn day yeh guys."
"Really, why?" Stan asked.
"Because no wand's gonna work for a Jew." He said bluntly.
"Will you stop it already, Cartman!" Kyle shouted, his temper long gone. "You don't know anything at all about magic or how it works!"
"Well, neither do you, Jew-boy!" Cartman retorted.
"Guys, can we just stop this for once?" Stan asked with a hint of boredom. "I mean, come on! We're freakin' wizards now!"
"Oh yeah," said Cartman suddenly remembering how even more awesome he was now. "Totally tits!"
They all walked into the wand-maker's shop. Mr. Ollivander, the owner and obvious wand-maker appeared to them from behind a huge stack of boxes.
"Ah, Mr. Marsh," he said with a small smile approaching them. "Back so soon? Did you already break your wand?"
"No," Stan said in a voice that was both hasty and defensive.
"Good to know, it's a fine wand. Yew. Twelve and a half inches, rather rigid; unicorn tail for a core."
"Dude, your wand's got unicorn ass in it?" Cartman laughed. "Wow, how gay is that?"
"Well well, Mr. Cartman," Ollivander said, apparently not hearing Cartman's insult. "I sold you a wand not ten minutes ago. Willow, thirteen inches exactly, and with dragon heart-string for the core."
"Yeah, totally rad," Cartman said pulling out his magical instrument and looking at it with an almost greedy expression.
"Um, excuse me sir," Kyle said, managing to catch the aging man's attention. "But me and my friend here..." He gestured to Kenny beside him. "... are here for our wands."
"Ah, good, good!" He said enthusiastically before running off to within the jungle of boxes.
"Well, I'm gonna go wait outside you guys," Cartman said as he made for the door.
"Yeah me too," Stan said without hesitation. "Wait up Cartman."
"What, why?" Kyle asked, exasperated.
"Because dude, when I was in here, I managed to break a few things before finally finding the right wand," Cartman said, briefly stopping as he had the door halfway open.
"Yeah, same here," Stan added. "I broke a lamp and set a few boxes on fire."
"WHAT!?" Kenny shouted. He looked over his shoulder and saw Ollivander coming back holding a single box in his left hand. He ran past Stan and Cartman to get outside and away from the danger as fast as possible. Cartman and Stan looked at each other with bewildered expressions for a brief moment before continuing outside. There they met up with an out-of-breath Kenny across the street.
"Dude, what the hell was that about?" Cartman asked.
"If I stayed in their, I would have fucking died!" Kenny said in an insulted tone.
Stan rolled his eyes. "Kenny, you wouldn't have died."
"Yes I would have!" He roared. His veneer then became one with a mixture of misery and disappointment. "But why am I surprised. None of you guys ever remember."
"Remember what?" asked Cartman.
"It doesn't matter," Kenny answered, letting the issue slide once more.
The trio waited there for a good ten minutes before Kyle finally came running over to them, carrying his very own wand. "Dudes, check it out!" He happily shouted holding it in his outstretched hand. "it's made of yew and it's got a phoenix feather in the center!"
"Cool," Stan said.
"I must admit Kyle, it's pretty sweet." Even Cartman couldn't help but look at it.
"Well Kenny," Stan started, looking over at his apprehensive friend. "That just leaves you."
The color in Kenny's face drained instantly. It took all three of them pushing on his reluctant back to get him back inside, where Mr. Ollivander was already waiting for him.
A magical tape-measure began taking every measurement imaginable as Ollivander began rummaging around the piles and piles of boxes. He returned just as his tape-measure had completed its duty. He opened the small box and held it out for Kenny to take.
"I think this one will be suitable, Mr. McCormick," Ollivander said in a friendly voice. "It's made of oak. Twelve and three-quarter inches. Dragon heart string for the core."
Kenny looked at the small wooden instrument as if it was a creature determined to bite him. He looked over to his friends (and Cartman) to see them all gesturing for him to take it in a supporting way. He looked back to the wand and the shriveled but steady hand holding it, memorizing its position. He gulped loudly. He covered his eyes with his left arm and slowly raised his right hand towards the wand. His teeth began to shiver. He could feel his hand shaking like an earthquake. Finally, he wrapped his trembling fingers around the narrow wood. At that moment, something happened that he never even considered was possible. He felt a soothing warmth spread from his right hand to all over his body. He removed his visual shield and saw the wand, calmly resting in his gentle grip.
"Well now," Mr. Ollivander said with a very satisfied disposition. "Mr. McCormick, I must admit that it is rather that my guess is correct the first time for a wizard to find his fitting wand."
"Dude, now that we're gonna be wizards, I can see just how much this town sucks," Cartman said as the four friends sat in his living room, playing a nice game of Investigative Reports With Bill Curtis.
"Yeah dude," said an agreeing Stan as he gave Kenny a jail time card. "Everything is so shitty. My sister beat the crap out of me before I came over here."
"Doesn't she do that everyday?" Kenny said with a muffledvoice since he was back in his familiar parka.
"Yeah but now she's pissed off because she's not a witch."
"Well, she kinda is," Cartman said carefully observing his cards.
"How do you know?" Kyle asked.
"She's a witch, just, you know, in the sense of a mega-bitch."
All four of them joined in on a fit of cackling uncontrollably.
When they finally regained control of themselves, Kyle spoke up again. "God this place sucks. How much longer til we can finally leave this dump and fly out to England?"
Stan looked at his watch, and then back to his friends. "Two days."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!" All four boys wailed in misery.
At the international airport all four boys were receiving good-byes from their respective families.
"Now Eric," Cartman's mom said in her quiet gentle voice, "If you need anything at all, just write to me."
"Okay mom," Cartman replied in a much more smoother voice than the one he usually employed in conversation. He picked up the small kennel with his cat in it. "Let's go, Mr. Kitty."
"Now Stan, don't get yourself into any trouble," Randy Marsh said to his son.
"Okay dad, I'll try," Stan promised.
"Hey turd, you better learn a spell to make me even more beautiful!" Shelly commanded him.
"Yes, I will do that," Stan assured her in a hasty voice.
"Have fun Kenny," the blonde's father told him.
"Don't get yourself expelled now," his mother said warning him deeply.
"Don't worry mom," Kenny said. Then he said under his breath, "if anyone's gonna be expelled, it's Cartman."
Kyle simply nodded his head and occasionally said "uh huh" while his mother droned on about him following rules and keeping his grades up. Just as he was about to leave, Ike tried to follow him. It took all of his self-control not to play a round of Kick The Baby on a hardcore level.
The four of them arrived in England and caught a cab to the specified train station. The boys walked over to the walkway between Platforms Nine and Ten with their suitcases in tow.
"You sure this is the place?" Cartman said looking around for their apparent destination.
Stan pulled out his train ticket and read it over very slowly and carefully. "Uh huh. Platform Nine and Three-Quarters."
"Well, I don't see it," Kyle said.
"No shit, Kyle," Cartman said.
"Hey wait a sec," Kenny said pointing to a group of people, most likely a family with an adopted son. The friends observed silently as they watched each person in the group of gingers (plus one dark haired boy) run towards a stone pillar in the middle of the walkway, and then disappear into it. None of the people who had not gone yet seemed the least bit phased. In addition, the boy with glasses and dark hair had an owl in a cage on top of his cart.
"Dude, that has to be where we go," Stan said.
"Yeah, I'm with you there." Cartman agreed. They continued to watch until only two teenage boys were left. They ran towards the pillar, and crashed horribly.
"Holy shit dude!" Kenny exclaimed. "Why did they crash?"
"I dunno," Stan said as the two teens picked themselves up and reorganized their belongings. "Maybe they weren't running fast enough. Or maybe their Muggles tying to follow real wizards."
"That's probably it," Cartman said. he was willing to believe anything or any excuse; he just wanted to get out of the Muggle realm and learn how to do awful things to Kyle and Butters. He shouted over to the two boys who were looking at the stone barrier with bewildered expressions. "Eh! Move your asses, your blocking the path!"
They looked at him for a moment, their shocked veneers not changing in the least, but then obliged and pulled their luggage out of the way and made their way out of the station.
"Okay you guys," Cartman said with the air of a soldier preparing for battle. "Which one of us goes first?"
"NOT ME!" Kenny said without missing a beat; he really did not feel like dying today. Nobody offered the honor of going through the barrier first. As usual, an argument started.
"Why don't you do it, Cartman?" Kyle suggested. "That is, unless your not really a wizard like the rest of us."
His sense of rationality gone, Cartman shouted, "Oh yeah, I'm forty thousand times the wizard you are, Jew! Get outta my way!" he positioned himself and stared at the stone pillar like it was his arch-enemy. He pushed his cart ahead of him and he instantly broke out into a run. Half-way there he let out a war cry. "RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!"
He reached the rocky wall, but rather than crashing into it like the two boys before him, he found himself in an entirely different place, staring at a gigantic bright red engine train.
"Oh dude, fuckin' awesome!" He excitedly shouted. Not long after, Stan, Kyle, and finally Kenny appeared behind him.
"Wow dude!" Stan exclaimed.
"Awesome!" Kyle and Kenny said together.
"Dudes," Cartman said as they loaded their stuff up and settled into a compartment. "From this point forward, our lives are going to kick so much ass!"
A/N: This was the most fun I've had while writing in a year. Let me say right away that yes, Kenny is going to die several times, and yes, everybody will never remember it at all as he comes back to life the next day. I look forward to thinking of ways he meets his demise in Potions Class.
Next time, the train ride, the boat ride, the Sorting, and much more!