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Edward pov:
I'm weak, I thought to myself as I ran. But I just have to see her, to make sure she's happy. I was running faster than I ever had before, and so I was in Forks quicker than I was prepared for. I had to stop and think of where she might be.
It was Spring Break so she'll probably be at home. I ran to her house and was immediately informed that she was there by the thoughts of Jacob Black. I was also informed that Bella just can't stay away from mythical creatures.
Jacob was thinking about Harry Clearwater. Apparently he had died leaving him and Bella to take care of their fathers. They were in the living room. I placed myself in a tree a ways away so I could see them.
Bella.
She looked just as beautiful as ever. She looked sad though, and paler than she used to be. Even from my vantage point I could see pain and sadness in her eyes, even when she smiled. Suddenly, Jacob's thoughts overwhelmed my mind in its intensity. I saw Victoria's face and other wolves, and Bella looking terrified. This thought made me almost fall out of the tree.
What was Victoria doing near Bella? I tuned myself into Jacob's thoughts, hoping for an explanation. He thought about the day Bella found out he was a wolf; her terrified reaction and confession about Laurent and Victoria; the day he killed Laurent; a couple days ago when he killed Victoria. All of it with a back ground of Bella's face terrified or zombie like and empty that gradually got better until it was the face I just saw.
This is what happened when I left? Then I got the worst picture of all; the first day she came to Jacob, empty, ghostlike, with motorcycles in tow. I got a quick slideshow of it all. Horror filled me until I really did fall out of the tree. I caught myself before I made any noise. Jacob was a wolf now, he might hear me.
I watched through the window as Jacob attempted to lighten the mood.
"Just so I'm prepared for the future, are there any other vampire enemies I should know about?" he said. Bella smiled a tiny smile and punched him in the arm lightly.
"No, I'm enemy free, finally. So you and the others can sit back and relax. Maybe you'll get so bored, you'll eat yourself fat." She said. Her voice, it sounded different, more serious even now when she's joking. She laughed and poked at Jacob's stomach. All of it had the faintest tinge of sadness in it that Jacob probably didn't notice; he didn't know her like I did.
"Me? Fat? I think not." Jacob said. They both laughed at the superior tone he used. They were quiet again. Suddenly, Bella's brow furrowed and I could only imagine what she was thinking about until she spoke her mind.
"Jake? You probably already know this but I still love them. The Cullens, I mean. They were like my second family. Even Rose." Bella smiled at that part. "Even now when they're gone, I love them, and I just want to know if we can still be friends knowing that." She looked miserable and worried and she wouldn't look at Jacob. She was probably scared of what she would see.
Does that love extend to me? Has she moved on or has she held on this whole time miserable because of me? I couldn't stand that thought.
Jacob took awhile to answer that. In his head he was seeing her clutching at her sides and gasping for breath; hearing her explain why she did that and seeing the pain I had caused her. Finally, he answered her.
"Yeah," he said, and Bella sighed in relief, "I'll always be your friend, no matter what you love."
"Promise?" she asked quietly.
"Promise."
She sighed again and leaned her head against his shoulder. I could hear Jacobs thoughts shift, and I tensed as he leaned down and lifted Bella's head up. I could see the panic in Bella's eyes as she sat frozen.
"Wait." she whispered. "Wait. Jake, I can't." There was pain in her voice. It cut me deep and Jacob felt it to, but not as deeply.
"Be happy." I whispered. I could see it, Jacob could make her happy. As I said it, Bella's eyes widened and she froze for a second. In that short instant, all the pain in her eyes left and I could see the Bella I remembered there. But that second was over too quickly and the pale, sad Bella was back. That one short second gave me hope that she could get better in time, I just had to stay away, let Jacob help her….
The thought hurt.
Jacob leaned back and smiled sadly.
"It's because of him, it makes you think of him and how he hurt you, how he left you. Bella, I would never do that to you. You have to know that by now." He was talking about me. I could see my face swirling in his head. This cut me to. Jacob knew, she'd confided in him.
"'Be happy', how is that supposed to help me?" I heard Bella mutter. I froze how could she have heard me? She looked up at Jacob and the pain that was always in her eyes was intensified. "I just can't. Even if it didn't remind me of him, I couldn't. I love the Cullens, all of them." Jacob flinched. She still loved me. After everything, she still loved me. This thought made me sad and very happy at the same time. "I love you, Jacob. You're my best friend, I can't live without you. But I'm not complete, I might never be again, and you need to know this because I look better than I was and I know you've noticed it, but I'm not whole. I can't give you what you deserve. You deserve a whole person, I can't give you that." Hearing this cut me, and cut me deep. I did this, I hurt her. I couldn't take it back.
Jacob was about to protest, but just then Charlie got home. Jacob left and Bella looked relieved.
That night I snuck into her room her to watch her sleep. I didn't expect her nightmare.
"Must find it….. I have to… Keep looking….." Her voice was panicked and she thrashed around her bed. The most heart breaking thing was the three words she said just before she started screaming.
"Edward, help me!" It tore me to shreds. I wanted to wake her up, comfort her, but I held myself back. I couldn't involve myself.
She screamed and screamed and I sat down in the rocking chair to get further away from her. Then, she woke up. She sat up in her bed and screamed and, for an instant, we made eye contact. I was out of her room and out of sight in the next instant. She cried for a long time after that. I wished I could help her, but I knew I couldn't.
I'm messed up.