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Seeing Death Eaters

Harry Potter, Fourth Champion of the Triwizard Tournament, was scrambling away from the newly resurrected Voldemort as best he could. He ducked behind the marble headstone of Voldemort's father, and heard it crack as the evil green Killing Curse hit it.

'This is not a game of hide-and-seek, Harry,' said Voldemort's evil voice, as he was drawing nearer.

'Why do you try to hide from me? You cannot avoid being seen. Come out to play Harry... it will probably be painless. I wouldn't know... I have never died.'

Harry's heart was beating so fast that he almost felt it jump out his chest, and then he had an absurd thought. 'You cannot avoid being seen?'

Harry stepped out from behind the headstone, his head held high.

'You think I fear you, Tom? You won't even face me alone. What is the matter, afraid I'll get off a single spell?'

The Death Eaters were muttering angrily at this slight to the man whose Mark they bore, but Voldemort stayed them with a gesture.

'Very well then Harry, a single spell. I will not even try to defend against it. Come on, fire the Killing Curse at me... avenge your parents this night.'

Harry had other ideas. He raised his wand high, and yelled: 'Her Majesty's Government, Public Service Film Number 42, Paragraph Six!'

The... spell... cast, he ducked behind a gravestone again.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters were looking on, bewildered. Some of the Death Eaters decided not to take a risk, and hid as well.

Then a voice came from nowhere: 'In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Mr Crabbe of Tottenham Lane, Basilisk's Tail. He cannot be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr Crabbe, will you stand up please?'

Mr Crabbe senior stood up from behind a tombstone. A loud bang sounded, and he fell back down with a bleeding hole in his stomach.

'This demonstrates the value of not being seen,' said the voice. The remaining Death Eaters panicked at the loss of one of their own, and scrambled for hiding places.

'Here we cannot see Mr Avery, lately of Avery Mansion, Wiltshire,' the voice suddenly sounded from a different location. 'Mr Avery, will you please stand up?'

Avery stood up, and another bang sounded. The Death Eater was lifted of his feet, and slammed back down, dead.

'This is Mr McNair, of the Ministry of Magic,' came the voice from an empty area with a single bush in it. 'Mr McNair, will you stand up please?' Nothing happened.
'Mr McNair knows the importance of not being seen. However he made a simple mistake,' continued the voice.

With a sudden explosion, the single bush exploded in a pillar of flame, and a scream could be heard.

One by one, the Death Eaters were picked up by the Voice, as they either stood up when called, or their hiding places were annihilated by explosions. Finally, it was down to Voldemort only, all his Death Eaters having fallen.

'Mr Riddle, lately of Albania, thinks himself to be very clever,' said the voice in several locations.
'He could be hiding in an ancestral home in downtown London, inside a bank vault, in a hidden room at a school, inside a run-down old shack, swallowed by a large snake, or lifting a ride on the scalp of another.

'However we happen to know he is in all of those places.'

In London, Kreacher the Elf was the first aware when a trophy cabinet holding Master Regulus' locket suddenly exploded. The nasty House Elf was standing nearby, and was impaled by wood and metal splinters. He had just enough magic left to snap his fingers, decapitating himself and placing his head on the staircase wall, as he died.

In the Lestrange Vault in Gringotts, an ornate cup suddenly exploded, blasting a hole in the bedrock the Vault was stored in. The furious Goblins declared the Vault contract voided as the owner had stored dangerous items, and seized all the gold within.

At Hogwarts, nobody was in the castle as everyone was boredly watching the maze where they believed Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory to be still searching for the Cup. Nobody except Professor Trelawny that is, as she was just storing her empty sherry bottles in her secret room. She was killed instantly when an old diadem exploded not two feet away.

Nagini the Snake had found Harry Potter, and was sneaking up on him, when Ravenclaw's Scrying Gem, which Voldemort had fed her years ago, suddenly exploded. Snake guts covered the ground.

Harry felt his scar burst open with a rather anti-climactic 'poof', as a black goo was removed from his scar and then imploded into a miniature black hole.

Voldemort had stood back up, and was preparing to cast the Killing Curse at Harry. He was furious, as he had just seen his dear Nagini die.

'And here we have Mr Riddle himself. He does not know how Not to be Seen.'

A loud bang sounded, and Voldemort was slammed a full yard backwards, a large section of his torso now missing.

Harry had a splitting headache, and was still suffering from being tortured under the Cruciatus curse earlier. Still he could clearly think as he gazed on the splattered snake guts and bodies of dead Death Eaters and a nearly split-in-half Dark Lord:

'That was disgusting! Next time I'll request the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog instead!'


All credits for the Monty Python sketch that inspired this go to the brilliant British quadrant that gave us hours of laughter.