7Still Loved
He had never expected to see her again…
At least, not alive. Young as he was, he had lived enough to learn about moments when hope had no choice but to dry, breaking apart as dust of childhood dreams. It wasn't so much seeing her in that petrified form until the memories of her time in the team were more like reveries, it was that there had seemed to be no possible salvation. To want to have hope and managing to were two different things…
Yet, he had found her again.
Terra…
He had had trouble believing it at first. Hopes build on illusions were too painful when crushed and he preferred to be the "funny guy" of the group… It was hard to come up with things to say when grief was fresh inside. Therefore, he had kept any euphoria under chains until he returned to the cave where her statue was (or should be)… And found it empty.
There was no denial, there was no way it was not her… Even if his heart was still hesitant to believe…
She was different…
Her way of speaking, even how she walked… Small details, but enough to clash with the girl of his memories. But what did it prove? After all, one could not live through all she had and remain the same… Or maybe she wanted to pretend, to fool others as well as herself?
Or were such thoughts too philosophical of Beast Boy's part?
He could not be sure of the true answers and wasn't sure they mattered, all he could say was that to fool someone who possessed the ability to transform into animals was not such a simple thing to do. The undeniable proof of her identity was maybe the one that, for him, was perhaps the most evident.
Her smell was the same…
It was her smell…
It was Terra.
Beast Boy's hopes of seeing her had died under the pressure of time. How could they not? Everyone had tried everything they knew in order to save her… Raven, with silent perseverance, had tried several spells, researched in all sorts of books… Cyborg had spent hours, days, research whatever data he could gather, using of every technology available to revert the process… Starfire had discussed all she had seen in her plant and in orders, including medical methods…
They had all failed.
They already believed her to be lost forever, damned to spend eternity in the form of a cold stone statue and, in their bitter failure, all they could do was to visit her, keep the place clean, often leaving flowers at her feet as if in some offering or, more painful and likely, her tomb… It should at least bring some color, some of the light she had loved so much to that crypt… Even though Terra couldn't hear anymore (and he could not bring himself to think of her as deceased), he always talked to her… Just like he knew the others did too.
How was that possible?
He had his own hypothesis, but again, did the "how" or "why" truly matter? No… No, to Beast Boy the only fact of significance was that she Terra was alive, it was enough to soothe him…
Hope had returned, a light that he had thought dead and lost forever was back.
Until she told him she was not that girl. She was no heroine with influence over the earth and rocks… She was just a normal student, with a normal life and nothing more than it… And she wanted him to leave her be.
Nor he nor the others understood her behavior at first, too shocked by the turn of events. Beast Boy told it to the others, how Terra had acted not even as though she just couldn't remember, but with absolute denial as though she truly was just a look-alike, even seeming to lose her patience with him. At first, no one could find words, the silence around as disturbing as that when Terra had returned wearing a metallic clothing, Slade's symbol in her chest, bright as fresh-spilled blood… And she had tried to kill them.
They had lost her once. And now, when it seemed they would get their friend back, they had lost her once more…
It hurt too much.
Slowly, they tried to discuss it, unsure of how to proceed, what to do…
Maybe she really couldn't remember…
"Or maybe" The thought was shared, it was reflected in their eyes while the group lacked the courage to turn it into words, tasting the reality of it. "She has not forgiven herself for what she did…"
If asked about it, they would all have to admit that they had hated her for the betrayal… Because hating was easier. It saved them from drowning in the hurt and sorrow that came with having to fight her, someone who had once been one of the team… It was the only way to do what they had to do: Protect the town. When you were in such position such as theirs, duty often had to be favored instead of the heart… But Terra had been and was still considered a friend and part of them…
Part of the family…
But how could they go on with the deceitful hatred, that was more like indignation and anger, when she had sacrificed her life to stop the volcano? When she had freed herself from Slade's control and killed him? When they knew that she had always tried to do good with her abilities and then, when losing control even if just once, be rejected and treated like an abomination?
To insist in talking with Terra had already showed to be a hopeless endeavor… And they needed to respect her choice. Was it condemnable to want to forget everything and live a normal life?
They all had, once in a while, wished for the same…
They're been sittin' by the phone
Since she left
But it's time for work
And they just can't be late
But to just forget about it was impossible. To forget her was impossible… It tasted too much like giving up on their friend, something beyond their own abilities. Maybe they were being selfish, but they still wanted Terra to, somehow, know that she could come back, that there was no anger or hate, her place with them had been kept open… Just like her room had remained untouched.
As always, when regarding Terra, it was Beast Boy who had an idea. Maybe it was ridiculous, maybe it wouldn't work, but it was better than to remain sitting there and do nothing…
No one was against it.
So he grabs his old guitar
And he plays a couple bars
On the machine
Then they softly sing
Beast Boy had left a communicator with Terra, having to be insistent so she would accept it, so she had a way to call on them should she need... Or should she ever want to… He wasn't sure she had kept it, but as long as the possibility existed…
His idea was that if she ever tried to contact them… For any reason… There would be a way of letting her…
"It doesn't matter what you've done
We still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been
You can still come home"
They left a message. A special message, meant for her alone…
"And Terra if it's you
We've got a lot of makin' up to do"
Now, the only thing to do was to wait… Wait and hope, hope and wait.
Maybe someday, she would try to call them…
"And we can't hug you
on the phone"
And then, she would understand.
"So hurry home"
XxX
Other Titans had been curious about what that was all about, finding it most strange.
Together, they told the others about Terra and who she had been and what she had done… They told about when they had met her and her betrayal, emphasizing how Terra had been someone who had only lost her way and how, even though they had believed (had needed to?) that there was no choice but to finish her, her last action had been saving the city from an erupting volcano and how much Terra had suffered. There was no blame to be throw at her or any wish for her harm.
She was a Titan, she was family…
They just wanted her back… If she still wanted to.
Well, the message light was blinking
When they got back
It was an old friend callin'
'Cuz he just heard the news
Other Titans and friends knew this to be too much a personal matter for them to interfere, but offered all support they could and wished that it would work in the end.
There wasn't much to do, other than wait…
He said "Guys, I hope you find her
If I see her I'll remind her
That her family is worried
And wantin' her to know"
They wanted her to come back…
XxX
Days continued their cycle, the sun and moon chasing each other. Then weeks… And months. There was no indication of Terra being inclined to call them or attempting any sort of contact. Apparently, her decision of forsaking her old life was absolute.
They kept saying, to themselves and to each other that after everything she had gone through, she had the right to a peaceful life. If they loved her, then they should respect the path she had chosen…
Otherwise, what kind of friends would they be?
Well the days dragged by
Without a word from her
And it looked like
She might not be coming back
It was not only due to how they always tried to do what was right… This went beyond matters of being heroes. There was a line to be watched, beyond which the best intentions and feelings could easily be twisted into selfishness. The focus should not be their own feelings, but hers.
Though none of the other Titans would say so deliberately, it was easy to see that as the time passed by, they started to believe it to be a lost cause. They should keep the memories and, well… Move on.
"I mean…" Jinx muttered, exchanging glances at Kid Flash, both trying to translate their thoughts into words in a manner that would not be offensive or hurtful. "It has been months since you recorded that…"
People said "Guys, don't you think
It's time to take that old message off?"
"And we don't even know exactly when she returned to normal… Maybe she really doesn't want to come back..." Kid Flash said slowly, a seriousness that wasn't characteristic marking his features. "Don't you think you have tried enough? Maybe you should… You know."
The Titans looked at each other. Painful though they might be, those words were said out of worry because their friends just didn't want them to be poisoned by hollow hope… And what they said was not unreasonable. They didn't know when Terra had somehow recovered and whatever had transpired, the point remained that she had not sought them out… Beast Boy finding her had been practically an accident…
Perhaps it was time to let go…
They said "No."
"No…" Beast Boy muttered and then, as if recovering the strength, he spoke louder. "Not yet…"
They looked at each other, finding they could still smile and nodded, as one.
"Well, see, you two…"
"It isn't as if what you said is not right…"
"But we will wait for a little more…"
It was possible to see interrogation in the eyes of the Kid Flash and Jinx… Beast Boy smiled.
"You never know
when she might call"
XxX
Loneliness had always been present in her life.
It was a feeling Terra knew with an intimacy she had never wished for.
She had believed to have found a place to belong. After a life of attempting to make good use of whatever anomaly granted her those powers, the girl had decided that maybe this was not meant to be her role. And an existence without battles seemed wonderful, her main worry was just to get good grades at geometry. Compared to before, it was like a dream.
Or it had been…
She had failed.
Again.
She was just outside
A bar in Jump City
Her so called friends had left her
All alone
Just like she had failed at everything… She had failed at being what she had always imagined she could be: A person who could help others, a hero… Each attempt accumulated as fractures on her skin until it reached its peak and shattered, freeing flesh and blood until she had turned to the opposite path, weary and furious and despaired, then realizing it had been her crowning mistake, leading her to become what she despised, seeking to kill the only ones who had ever accepted her…
How things had come to this?
She remembered years past, always wandering, always alone, as a bird under the rain…
And when she had finally found people who loved her, who chased away the nightmares and soothed the wound, what had she done? Betrayed them. Sold them out as sacrificial lambs to their worst enemy.
She knew what she was.
She knew what she had done.
And the first clear notion that her mind had formed, upon waking up and slowly realizing her muscles and senses working again, was that she could never, ever go back.
The Titans were better off without her.
Seeing the flowers that had been left at her feet, the writing that had been put under her rock as a gravestone, had only strengthen her resolution as well as given way to tears in her eyes. How could they have done this? How could they have left signs of care after she had nearly destroyed everything?
Terra didn't know what she was… She was not the girl who had tried so hard to use her powers for good, nor was she the girl filled with hate and spite that had been trained by Slade…
But then, who was she?
The only option left, and perhaps the best one, was to forsaken everything. She did not deserve praise or care... She would live the rest of her years as a normal person, seeking no more dreams.
To try and gather a life to herself had not been an easy task and it had taken days before she managed to even find a job, even with Jump City having resources for those who ended up in need due to the criminal activity in town… Eventually, she had a part-time job, a small apartment and managed to be accepted in a school. During the day, it wasn't so bad… Studies and work occupied her mind as well as some new friends she had met…
At night, it was not so…
When the girl would lie down, thoughts and memories would be released from the shadows and free to run, leaving a trail of poison behind.
Terra could not forget.
If her new "friends" from school had, in some instinctual level, felt that there was something wrong with her, Terra could not say. In a way or another, a distance had been born between them and finally grown into an abyss… Few schoolmates talked to her… Terra was certain some people would look at her with the corner of their eyes, expressions carrying emotions she could not bring herself to try to decipher…
Was it something they could feel in her, as a radio wave transmitted in silence that acted as a warning? A wave that said "Different"… "Weird"… "Liar"…?
"Traitor?"
She wouldn't be surprised if it was so… She could feel those words on her…
Maybe she was far more like a doll. A pathetical, foolish doll that had tried to be a human being, having to fail over and over in order to understand what she was. Not a hero, not a villain, not a normal person… Not anything.
She didn't belong anywhere…
She was nothing.
Speaking of questions for which she had no answer to, what was she doing holding that circular communicator, the "T" branded on its center? Foolish, why had she even accepted that thing for? Out of sentimentalism? She had already decided to never look back, so why?
Because a part of her had wished for something, as small as it was, that would remind her of the old days?
It had already hurt to meet Beast Boy, to have to force herself into acting as if she had never spoken to him, never laughed with him, never…
"Better yet, what do you think you are doing? Do you want to talk to them?" A voice whispered in her mind, something that sounded and felt like an obscene mix of her own voice and Slade's.
"N-No, of course no…" It would be nonsense. They would never trust her again and even if they did, it would not be safe.
"I trusted you! We trusted you! And you treated us like garbage!" Raven had roared, for the first time looking all the half-demon she was… Terra closed her eyes at the memory, ignoring how familiar the communicator felt in her hand. What hurt was the veracity of those words.
She felt disgusting.
On the television, a news report came about how they… How the Teen Titans were in the center of the town, apparently in a fight.
They were not at the Tower… So… Maybe… Not that she was going to talk to them, but maybe she could just hear their voices? There was always a recorded message… She could just hear it and hung up, they wouldn't know… Just so she could hear their voices once more…
Just this time?
She was scared they wouldn't want her
But she dialed up that old number
And let it ring
And then she heard them sing
She sighed, complying with herself before her shame stopped her…
Terra pushed a button, her fingers tensing in waiting, ready to hung up as soon as it was over…
Then she heard.
She heard the voices. Their voices.
"It doesn't matter what you've done.
We still love you"
What… How...
"It doesn't matter where you've been
You can still come home"
Since when did they… And why was she not hanging up, why was she shivering and…
"And Terra if it's you
We've got a lot of makin' up to do"
She knew she should hang up, should not listen anymore, but the connections between her brain and her body were dead…
"And we can't hug you
on the phone"
The same voices that had laughed with her, offered words of support, of consideration… The same which had screamed in anger and pain when she had fought them… They were still the same voices…
The same voices that called her back…
"So hurry home"
XxX
Back to the Tower, a burn in his leg made Beast Boy limp, though his face gave no indications that he was in any sort of pain, as he body was used to it. The others were in no better shape, but they never expected to win battles unharmed… They knew better than to be seduced by any sort of arrogance, even when they did win easily.
The peace of victory was allowed to be felt, though, being alive and happy that no civilian had been wounded. It was part of the "routine", if it could be called so: Take care of the current lesions and relax until next time, when new ones would be formed.
Well, they were heroes, were they not?
"Maybe we should ask for a pizza today, because I really…" Cyborg's words came to a slow stop when they entered the main room. No one needed to ask why. The small red light of incoming calls of the Tower was blinking right ahead…
They walked in just in time
To hear her say
"Do you believe that…" Starfire started, giving in to silence soon. There was no reason to feel like this, right? Maybe it was nothing, maybe a message from the Titans East or… Beast Boy was the first to move, only looking at the others for a brief moment.
The voice they knew so much, the one they had waited to hear once again echoed in the room that suddenly seemed too big…
The words sounded a little choked, but perfectly clear…
"Friends, I'm on my way"
I own nothing, nor the Teen Titans or the song (which is kind of a parody of "Hurry Home" by Jason Michael Carrol. I decided to adapt it a little, to fit Terra and the titans).