Disclaimer: All characters belong to Louise Rennison. I only own the plot.
A.N. Had this idea planned for a while. The writing style is a little different to most of my stories. I had positive reviews about I Now Pronounce You Biscuit and Wife and this story is written in a similar style. I thought being at university would be a good setting for some Dave and Gee humor. I also have lots of ideas from my own experience at university, which makes it easier to write. Hope it's something you all will enjoy, please review with your opinions, because I really appreciate feedback. Love RoxannetheLaugh.
1. Why can't I be boylingual?
Saturday, 15 September
I'm moving into university accommodation. That's right, me and Mr Laugh are attending university. In London... were all the sophisticated and glamosity people live. It's going to be tres tres fabbity. The Hornmeister says I've brought far too many things with me. I disagree of course. Sex Kitten just have a lot of essentials... it is not easy looking this marvy all le time.
Jane is driving, because I refused -point blank- to arrive at university in the clown car. I would not be the loony girl, who's Vati drives a clown car and wears leather trousers. I will be le gorgey Sex Kitten with the utterly handsome horn partner.
It has been a vair long and quiet journey to London. Just staring out the car window, watching the scenery pass by. I really miss the Ace Gang. Already.
Sven abducted RoRo a few months ago to visit wherever the hell his Viking clan lives. RoRo sent me a postcard and a box containing what I think was the remains of a rotten fish. A rotten fish, which ended up in Vati's shoes. Vati went ballisiticisimus. Poor Angus got the blame.
Hunky and Po moved to university earlier this month. Jas lobes living in the middle of nowhere, or Aberystwyth as she calls it. The Voley Couple are studying Agriculture (Hunky) and Ecology (Po). Po keeps sending me pictures of sheep and three-toed newts on Snapchat. Unfortunately the Hornmeister received these and sent Jas a picture of my nunga-nungas, with the comment bet Po miss these beauties. Jazzy the Spaz didn't see the tres humourosity of this innocent prank.
Jools found herself a job in a swanky hotel: she's junior assistant manager. The Hornmeister and Kittykat are visiting this hotel during Christmas break to cause dear Julia some loonosity. She doesn't know it yet. The Hornmeister booked the room under Lord and Lady Rire Chameau.
2 minutes later
I almost jumped through the car roof as the Hornmeister placed his hand on my leg. 'You scared the Ribena out of me.' He laughed.
'Sorry Kittykat...' I didn't respond, meaning the next second Dave was snogging me. Ooo-er... number 7, or is it 8. Is a car classed as indoors or outdoors? Technically a car has doors and we've come in through them... but if so, that means we've reached number 8 in front of Jane. Oh wait. Doesn't matter. Jane's walked in on number 10 before... but that's another story for a utterly different time.
The Hornmeister is vair excited about university. Dave the Brainbox has been accepted to Imperial Collage London to study Mathematics. It's a big deal to Jane and Richard. I'm going to the University of Arts to study Journalism. We'll be close, but I'm a little scared that we're not going to see each other. The Hornmeister is staying with me during freshers' week. He's making sure Kittykat's red bottom doesn't make an appearance... but afterwards he starts university. I'll miss Dave -and his nip libbling- when he begins university.
1 minute later
Number 8, but Dave's nuzzling my neck, so my lips are free. I didn't want the Hornmeister to leave. Dave glanced up into my mincers: his hands still placed firmly on my nunga-nungas. Bugger. I just said that out loud. 'The Hornmeister wouldn't dream of leaving Kittykat. I'll always be just a tube journey away... and Kittykat can sleep over at the weekends.' A full smile appeared on my lips, I didn't care that my humongous conk spread across my face. 'I lobe lobe Kittykat's smile.' Dave snogged me.
5 minutes later
The Hornmeister has stolen my IPhone. I'm vair protective of my IPhone. I'd saved for weeks to afford it... it has a pwetty case and everything. It's my baby. I squabbled with Dave for a few minutes. He wouldn't give it back. I always have a nervy b when the Hornmeister has my phone. If he's not sending people pictures of my nungas, he's changing the contact names or changing its ringtone. Turned out the Hornmeister just wanted to plan a date night for when we're at university. He's so vair vair romantic. We agreed Friday night would be our date night, because we don't have lectures during the weekend.
Arrived at Julian Markham House. It's a vair groovy accommodation block with little boutique ensuite rooms. I climbed out the car and gazed towards the accommodation. The Hornmeister appeared beside me seconds later. 'Vair vair naice... the Biscuit is pleased enough to leave his precious Kittykat here.' Dave had wrapped his arm around me. I didn't think he'd be anxious about leaving me. Jane waited in the car as me and the Hornmeister went to fetch a room key and welcome pack for me.
15 minutes later: Room 4.2.6
Kittykat's new home. I luuurve the little boutique style room. I'm living in a small flat with six bedrooms, so I have five flatmates. There's also a kitchen with a washing machine and a communal area with a TV. The Hornmeister interrupted as I looked around the kitchen. 'Kittykat coming to collect her things?' He was leaning against the kitchen doorframe, looking tres lush.
'Phwoar... No fair, the Hornmeister isn't allowed to be this sexy.' I snogged Dave. Number 6 with nip libbling. Our snog fest lasted until a voice interrupted us.
'Eww spew-city... so much for a couples free zone.' The voice belonged to a bloke with a head of messy brown curls. He was pulling a look of disgust: Dave laughed.
'Sorry bro, can't keep her off me.' The bloke was holding a box full of cooking equipment. He grinned.
'Dave the Laugh.' Frankie and Dave shared a firm hand shake. 'This is Georgia Nicolson, she's your new flatmate. I'm just her boyfriend.'
Frankie nodded. 'Coolio... perhaps I could roll with ya sometime. S'later.' Frankie disappeared into the kitchen. I glanced towards the Hornmeister: Dave just laughed.
'He wants to hang with us sometime.' Argh. Why can't I be boylingual?
The Hornmeister and I helped Jane unload my luggage. Room 4.2.6 is now full of boxes and suitcases. I began unpacking the first box as Jane and the Hornmeister fetched the last of my luggage. The first box contained Kittykat's beauty supplies, at least that's what was written on the side. I pulled open the sellotape and began unpacking. I was interrupted when a girl appeared in my doorway. Her hair is long and ginger with a bleach blonde dip-dye.
'Hey! I'm Harriet. Harriet Fox... but call me Harry. I live next door.' Fab fabbity. I was slightly worried that I'd end up in a flat full of blokes. The language barrier would have been aggers. Oopsie. Call me Harry's still stood there.
'Hi. I'm Georgia.' Harry smiled.
'What course are you studying? I'm doing Photography.' I grinned.
'Journalism. What else you into?'
2 minutes later
Harry's vair coolosity: she into kickboxing and Pilates and fashion. We're going shopping in Oxford Street on Monday and I'm going to try Pilates with her. We were gossing about clothes when the Hornmeister reappeared. He leant against the doorframe. I ignored him, but Harry didn't.
'Phwoar, hottie alert.' Dave winked.
'Harry meet Dave the Laugh, my loony boyfriend... Dave this is Harry, she lives next door.'
Harry turned goldfish for a few seconds. 'You lucky bitch, he's so blooming dishy.' Dave laughed.
1 minute later, Unpacking with the Hornmeister
Harry's gone jogging, leaving Kittykat and the Hornmeister to unpack. I have so much useless stuff. The Hornmeister's being a utter prat. He's wearing one of my nunga-nunga holders. He looks tres tres ridiculous. It's possible a vair dim idea, but I left the Hornmeister unpacking, whilst I decorated my notice board. Mabs, Ellen and Jools brought me some fabbity vintage fabric bunting as a leaving present. It's double cool with knobs. I am going to hang it around my room, starting along the top of the notice board. Rosie brought me a beard, which shall also have pride of place on my notice board, with all the photos I'd printed. Queen Voley's going away present isn't suitable for pinning to a notice board. Jazzy gave me a cushion shaped like an owl. I miss Jas and her humongous knickers.
1 minute later
I'm blubbering. 'Awww Kittykat.' The Hornmeister's arms wrapped around me. 'Kittykat not allowed to be mis.' A small smile appeared on my lips. I wrapped my arms around the Hornmeister.
'I miss the Ace Gang.' Dave stroked my hair.
'Ahh... I bet the Ace Gang miss Sex Kitten's big red bottomosity.' I laughed. I missed the Barmy Army too. Life isn't the same without Sven busting into the room yodelling to his heart's content. Oh... and Ellen. I miss Ellen dithering about utter rubbish.
'Does the Hornmeister miss his Barmy Army?' He brushed back my hair.
'Of course the Biscuit misses them... I haven't heard a turnip related fact in weeks. Sven hasn't thrown me over his shoulder since their leaving shindig. I haven't punched Rollo today... the Biscuit doesn't blubber though.' I snogged Dave. Number 4.
Finally I'm all unpacked. Collapsed onto the bed. The next second the Hornmeister was laying next to me. We stared into each other's mincers. It reminded me of that naff meadow scene in Twilight. I would have been vair mis if Dave hadn't come to London with me. He applied to attend Manchester University. Manchester's so vair vair far away: it's practically on another planet.
'Think I should buy Kittykat lunch.' I am rather hungry.
'That would be fabbity.' The Hornmeister jumped to his feet. 'Where we going?'
'Thought I'd take Sex Kitten to Trafalgar Square on the Underground.' The Tube! Ohmygiddygod the Hornmeister will get us lost in London. He stood looking at the Underground map: the nearest station is Elephant and Castle. I decided to change into a flowery dress with cute wedges, and persuade Dave out of the nunga-nunga holder that he's still wearing. He seemed to have forgotten that he was wearing it. 'It's fourth stop on the Bakerloo line. Easy peasy. Does Kittykat have her Oyster card?' I was touching up my makeup, or pulling faces in the mirror as Dave so often calls it.
'Fab, we'll go once Sex Kitten's finished pulling faces.' I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed.
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