Songs: *On Profile*
Summary: She didn't listen to what others said. But her own voice was another story...
The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.
No one is perfect….but I will get as damn close to it as I can.
Or else the voice won't leave me alone.
Journal Entry #25 July 23
Hey again...she started talking during training today...It was worse than usual. It went like this:
"You have to get it perfect…"
"You know you can."
"NO I CAN'T!"
"Yes you can."
"IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!"
"Maybe, but you have to be…remember what Tsunade-shishou said."
"I know…I know… I have the most perfect chakra control…but that doesn't mean the jutsu has to be perfect."
"But it has to be perfect or else the others will make fun… just like those girls in the academy…"
"Those girls don't mean anything…they never did…stop reminding me…"
"But I have to remind you…or else you'll forget…and then humiliate yourself again…"
"They were just bangs…they didn't mean anything…the girls were petty…"
"No…it was your forehead…something you couldn't change about yourself…"
"But I got over that…I (we) don't care if anymore…"
"Oh I know that…but the forehead is only the start of the other imperfections…"
"Nooo, not again…"
"Yes again…them leaving…him leaving...you were never good enough to get his attention were you..."
"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER!"
"THEN START TO PERFECT!"
"I always do…"
She never shuts up. No matter where I was or who I was with she would start to criticize.
"You took too long in that shop and were late…be quicker next time…"
"That strategy has holes…and you call yourself a genius."
"You're supposed to have perfect chakra control…you can't slip up."
"Late again…you don't learn do you."
"You're supposed to be smart…act like it."
That's her favorite phrase. I know one wasn't born smart; that the brain was always acquiring knowledge, new connections were made every day and it was only constant use that let the memory stay. But I guess being constantly told that you're the smartest and best at chakra control does something to the psyche.
Her voice didn't even start during the academy; it actually started a few months after being placed in Team 7. It wasn't very strong though, it was only little things like "try harder you should be good at this", "Naruto can do it why not you?" They were never full on conversations like now. No, they were small, snide comments meant to give me a boost, to encourage me to try harder. In truth, half of them came from me. But after a while, they came more frequently. As the comments increased…so did the distance between me and Team 7. I was often left alone to train when Naruto and Sasuke sparred against each other while Kakashi kept an eye on them to make sure they didn't actually hurt each other…or at least that's what he said when I asked him why we didn't spar.
He never sparred against me, I don't know if it was because he knew I was weaker than the boys, or if he had no interest in me. But as time passed, I realized…he didn't care. Not about me. Kakashi-sensei gave Naruto a new teacher: the legendary sannin, and pervert, Jaraiya. After that, he privately tutored Sasuke in a secret location. I only realized this after no one showed up to our group meeting after a couple of days. What a way to break it to me right? So I started to train by myself in "our" field. At first I started with basic taijutsu, but it was hard without someone helping you or telling you if you were doing it right. So I started to "sneak in" on other teams' sessions. Looking back on it the senseis probably knew I was there, I guess they felt pity for the lone girl from Team 7 who was left behind and let me learn from their meetings.
Although I had learned from the other teams, it was very difficult without someone directly telling me what I was doing wrong or right so some techniques didn't exactly come out right. Some would never appear and others came out so wrong I injured myself on many occasions. Scars appeared by that point but were easily hidden by simply adding bandages over them. People would ask, especially my parents but soon they were a part of my attire and they left me alone. This was the second instance the voice became stronger…
They don't even notice…good job.
But they stopped noticing you…work harder…smartie…
By the time Sasuke decided to leave for Orochimaru, I had learned some new techniques but nothing on the level of him or Naruto. They were all weak and pretty much useless…so I went to Tsunade.
3 years later she is still teaching me. 3 years later and Sasuke still isn't here. 3 years later and Kakashi-san is barely seeing me for my potential. 3 years later and Naruto has left again.
3 years later…
And I'm still alone…
Maybe I'll never be good enough for Team 7. Never be good enough for any of them…
So I don't see the point of staying with this voice constantly reminding me even as I write this…
You will never be perfect…
You'll never be good enough…
So maybe I will…maybe I will…
P.S. Happy Birthday Sasuke (wherever you are)
Hey guys! I know this is kind of dark (and definitely not my best piece) but I was thinking back at her lowest points and what might have gone through her head. I will put up another two and also try to have music fitting my next two pieces. Also I need help, I need your opinion if the other two should include Naruto and Sasuke or just Sakura. Please Review and tell me what you think!