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It's been a month since I saw Sam so it came as a great shock to me when I heard someone knocking on the door and opened it to find my little brother standing on the doorstep in the pouring rain. I paused for a moment and watched him as he registered the shock on my face. I glanced behind me to see Cas watching us with a small smile on his face. Hesitantly, he walked up to us and grabbed Sam's hand, pulling him inside. I slowly shut the door and followed them into the living room.
I admit, I was completely surprised, and even more surprised when Cas asked me to leave the room so he and Sam could talk for a while alone. After waiting a few minutes to make sure the two weren't going to spontaneously combust, I made my way to the back porch and settled into the seat I had set up for Cas on his bad days.
It was nice though, the bad days seemed few and far between, but I hoped this visit from Sam wouldn't set him back. We had finally been able to have conversations that didn't consist of what Lucifer was making him see that time, or having awkward pauses in the conversation for Cas to tell him to shut up and leave us be. I missed the days when the three of us had been so close and were always together, even though we had been hunting. Deep down, though, I miss hunting. It was my constant and things just don't seem right for me anymore. The lack of hunting has had an effect on me and I've been doing my best to hide it.
I don't think that I am hiding it very well, every time I zone off thinking about it, I come back to reality with Cas giving me a sad smile. After that he sits beside me and holds me against him. It's nice to have the roles switched every once in a while. Taking care of him has its benefits, but at times its so lonely. The only family I have left is Sam, and Cas is my only friend; outside of the fact that he is my lover. Most days with Cas end in silence, me comforting him as he cries into my shoulder. The mental pain gets to him, and he knows that it bothers me. I just wish he knew it wasn't for the reasons I'm sure he thinks it is. I want him to be better, but I still love him, just because he is Cas. I know that sometimes he thinks I stick around because I'm guilty about what happened.
I just want to be able to tell him the truth without freaking out. I have never been the sentimental type, romance never came easy to me, despite what people thought. Sure, I was able to pick up girls at bars and cafés all the time. But when it came to one particular person that I really, truly loved, it was hard to break out of my shell and admit everything to them. After monsters and demons started making attacks personal and hurting those Sam and I cared for, I completely shut down. Admitting that I loved Cas to myself was easy, admitting it to him was the hard part. No matter how many times he told me he loved me and he needed me, it was almost impossible for me to admit it out loud. Until I finally did, and now, I whisper it to him every night until he falls asleep. Not that I will admit that part out loud to people, because honestly, the only other person I really talk to is Sam and he would give me hell about it until the day we permanently died.
The birds begin to fly in a large circle around the yard, announcing that it is already sometime after five. I sigh softly and stand, walking inside to begin preparing dinner. I find Sam and Cas standing in the kitchen, carefully reading over the directions on a box of Shake 'n' Bake. They stare at me in shock for a moment before Cas walks over to me. He gently pushes me out of the kitchen and I glance back nervously at Sam, who smiles comfortingly at me. Cas leads me to the couch, hands me the remote, then walks back into the kitchen.
Shaking my head, I sit on the couch and turn on the television for a few moments before turning it off and standing to leave the room. I walk slowly down the hall into the room I haven't entered since we started renting the house. I opened the door and take a deep breath before walking in. Lined against the wall with Cas' organization are boxes filled with music and the parts to my drum set and keyboard, as well as several amps. Leaning against the opposite wall is my guitar case. Next to it is the one thing Cas unpacked in this room, my guitar stand.
I nudge the door shut and walk over to the guitar. I sink to my knees and grab the case, slowly opening it to reveal the instrument that I haven't played since the end of the apocalypse. I run my hands over the smooth surface and gently pull it out to begin tuning it. I lean against the wall and strum a few cords, letting my head fall back against that wall. My eyes fall shut and begin humming along with the cords and eventually I begin singing.
My voice is soft and scratchy from not singing but through the course of the song, my voice gets stronger and when I reach the end, I let my voice trail off until the notes from the guitar are the only things that can be heard. I feel the tears slide down my face but before I can reach up to wipe them away, I feel a kiss on my cheek. I open my eyes to see Cas bending over me, kissing the tears that are sliding down my cheeks. The action is familiar, one I've done over the months spent helping Cas. Sam is standing in the doorway and walks over to take the guitar from me. I lean forward, sobbing quietly, finally allowing myself to feel everything I've put aside for Cas and Sam.
Sam places the guitar on the stand and sits beside me, pulling me against him. I clench his shirt in my hands and cry into his shoulder. Cas wraps his arms around both of us and whispers comforting words into my ear and runs his hand up and down my back. I can feel Sam's body shaking, showing me that he is trying to hold back tears.
After a while, my tears begin to slow and I shift most of my weight over to Cas, who wraps both arms around me and pulling me against his chest. Sam stands and leaves the room quietly and after a few moments I can hear dishes being banged around in the kitchen. Cas and I remain in this position until Sam walks back in, telling us that dinner is ready. I stand slowly and wait for Cas to join me. I take his hand and we walk to the table together.
I cannot talk about everything that I thought about today with Sam. I don't even want to talk about it with Cas, I don't want to burden either of them. I know I owe it to Cas though, so when Sam leaves after dinner, Cas and I make our way to the bedroom. I lay in the bed waiting for him and when he crawls in to join me, he surprises me by taking the position I'm normally in. He wraps his body around mine and quietly begs me to talk to him. I turn so I am facing him and begin to tell him everything. He kisses the tears away and speaks soothingly to me, and I finally know that it is all right to talk about things, no matter how difficult it may be. There is always someone willing to listen and ease the pain.