A/N: Hello lovely readers :) So the idea for this story originally came to me a few months ago when I was working on my final for a creative writing class. Then I thought, after recently finishing my latest fic ("Finding Our Way" located in the Addek section of GA), why not apply the idea to one of my favorite characters on television? This fic starts mid-season 5, specifically around episodes 10/11/12, after Addison's failed IVF and losing her first attempt at adoption. I hope you like it, and thanks so much for stopping by to read!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Chapter 1

February, 1983

Hartford, Connecticut

The pain was unbearable, unlike nothing she'd ever felt before. It was like something – or someone – was ripping her in half, and she begged, prayed for it to end. She just wanted it to be over.

"Oh God, can't you just pull it out already?!" A sixteen year old Addison Montgomery shouted through gritted teeth.

She wasn't even in a hospital; secluded in the most private section of her parents large estate in Hartford, Connecticut, Addison was in the middle of a very difficult labor. It had been over 24 hours, and she was exhausted, scared, and heartbroken – everything a woman shouldn't be while giving birth.

In reality, it had been so much longer than 24 hours. For Addison, it had been an excruciating nine months, from finding out she was a pregnant teenager, to telling her parents – her upper class, "high in society" parents – to becoming "that girl" at school; the girl none of the other "high in society" parents wanted their daughters to associate with, since she so obviously showed poor judgment and was unable to keep her knees closed until marriage.

For a while, Addison had scoffed. If only those parents knew what their daughters did behind their back, she thought. They just got lucky, didn't have to suffer the consequences like she did. The looks, the whispers, being ostracized by everyone who used to be your friend…

But then, no matter how hard she tried, it started to get under her skin.

The looks, the whispers, being ostracized by everyone who used to be your friend…

It became difficult for even her own mother to look at her. Bizzy Forbes Montgomery was not a woman who tolerated misbehavior, anything that took away from her concept of normalcy or made heads turn in her direction. From months four through nine, Addison was not to attend any public function or any extracurricular activity in school; as if she wanted to in the first place, she would think to herself.

Her father kept to his work, coming home only for long weekends or to have a quick tryst with the maid. When Addison was younger it was her and her brother Archer's nanny, then the French tutor, then his secretary…Captain Montgomery always thought no one ever knew, but how could she not? As a child, Addison and her brother worshiped the ground their father walked on.

Her brother Archer was really the only one to stick by her side throughout the past nine months, anything from threatening to beat up the boy who did it to threatening to beat up anyone who snickered behind his little sister's back. Because Archer Montgomery was the only one who knew the truth about that night, Addison with that boy…

It wasn't even on purpose that she told him, but when he caught her one night mid-panic attack, clutching her middle and struggling to breathe, she felt no choice but to tell him what really happened. How her baby was conceived.

"Addison, you have to go to the police," Archer had told her.

"No. Absolutely not." Addison said, with a fire in her eyes. "Things are bad enough as it is and without any help from the police. Aside from school Bizzy has me on lock down, what good would it do to involve the authorities? Besides, this isn't New York City; this is Connecticut. People…Archer people don't talk about this kind of thing here. This kind of thing doesn't happen here."

"But it happened to you," Archer whispered.

"No, Archer. I said no. No police."

That was the end of that.

Archer wasn't in the room with Addison when the labor started. He wasn't even in the house – he was off at Yale, pre-med of course. The Captain would expect nothing less from a son. Oh how Addison ached for him, her only friend throughout this ordeal. Ordeal – she wanted to laugh at the word. Since when did women refer to their babies as ordeals?

"Archie," Addison moaned, bringing herself back to the present, her head thrashing back and forth.

The doctor – a man – sat down between Addison's legs, a sight that made her want to vomit and scream at him to get away from her, not to touch her.

"The baby's crowning," he said flatly, reaching toward her with a gloved hand. "You're going to need to start pushing."

"No, no…" Addison stammered. "Just pull it out. Hurts too much…"

"Well you should have thought of that Addison, before sleeping with the first boy who asked you asked you to the prom," Bizzy snapped.

He didn't ask me to the prom! Addison wanted to scream. He was at the prom, she was at the prom…but he didn't ask her there.

She wasn't keeping this baby, that much was known even before she started showing. He – or she – was going straight to the orphanage, Bizzy's order sending a chill down Addison's spine. Her baby wasn't an orphan; she was its mother, no matter how young.

"One, two, three, push!" The doctor ordered.

Addison sat up, pushing with all her might. There was so much pain, no light at the end of the tunnel. She swore she was dying, there was no coming out of this, and then the doctor ordered her to stop. Sweating, Addison looked around the room with wide, scared eyes. Bizzy was standing in the corner, and Addison willed her mother to look at her, to somehow…understand. But it was hopeless; Bizzy would never understand.

She pushed again, too exhausted to believe an actual human life was slipping right through her. No one was there to hold her hand. There were people in the room, but she felt so alone, so very very alone.

The head was out; that much she heard. Sweat poured down her face in large drops, like she had just plunged headfirst into the Connecticut River.

"Is it out yet?" She wanted to ask. "Is it a girl or a boy?"

What did it matter at this point, really? She wasn't keeping it. She wasn't allowed to keep it.

"Just one more, one more," the doctor said, and Addison pushed. One more, one more.

The room filled with the sound of a baby crying, her baby crying.

"It's a girl," the doctor announced.

Addison lie back on the bed, panting, trying to relax her aching muscles. She hurt everywhere. "Let me see her," she muttered. She noticed her mother about to protest, so she tried again. "Please, I have to hold her."

Reluctantly, the doctor handed Addison her daughter. Her daughter.

"Oh…" Addison lost her breath, staring down at the tiny auburn-haired girl. A feeling spread within her, one she didn't think she could even put into words, but it was unlike anything she had ever felt before in her life. Leaning forward, she kissed the baby's forehead. "Your name is Alina," she said.

"Alright, that's enough," Bizzy snapped, as if she wanted to keep her daughter as unattached to this baby as possible.

"Her name is Alina," Addison insisted, looking up at her mother. "She's my baby."

"Addison, I said that's enough." Bizzy repeated herself before turning to the doctor. "Take her."

"No, no…" Addison felt the tears spring to her eyes. "Please don't take her…" But her voice had grown almost inaudible, a great lump forming in her throat.

Before she knew it, her daughter was being ripped from her arms, mouth opening like she wanted to nurse. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. One moment she was in agonizing labor, the next she was holding her beautiful baby girl, and now, now her baby was being taken from her - surprisingly she found - against her will.

"No," Addison cried. "Give her back!"

No one was listening. Bizzy whispered instructions to the doctor while Addison craned her neck to see her daughter. "Please, give her back," she said over and over again, her voice barely a whisper.

But with the blink of an eye, the doctor was gone. Her baby was gone. Addison wailed, crying hysterically for her baby Alina, knowing two things: one, she would never see her daughter again, and two; that feeling that had spread within her that she couldn't describe before – she could now.

That feeling was love.

January, 2012

Los Angeles, California

Addison played through the memory a million times over in her head, sitting on her back deck, listening to the ocean waves flow in and out. Just her and the clear night sky, the bright stars above shining down on her, almost as if they were shiny beacons of hope. But Addison had no more hope left inside her.

She had had a baby; a girl, ripped from her arms unjustly and involuntarily. A baby she shouldn't have wanted, but did.

She had another baby; sucked from her uterus voluntarily because it wasn't the right time, nor was it with the right guy.

When she was finally ready to have a baby on her own terms, she'd been told – by her best friend no less – she would no longer be able to. Yet, years later, when a fertility doctor by the name of Jake Reilly came to work for Seaside Health & Wellness, Addison had thought, if only for a moment, that maybe he was her last beacon of hope. So she gathered her courage and put herself through two rounds of IVF treatment.

Two months ago, her second and final attempt at IVF had failed. Her second and final attempt to become a mother (on her own terms) had failed.

And today, today she lost out for an adoption. She had a birth mother, and she lost her; she lost her chance at raising a little girl. Again.

The warm breeze flowed through her hair as she stared straight ahead, right at the spot where the light from the moon hit the water. Addison had no idea how many minutes had passed before she heard him, the slow patter of shoes against his wooden deck; her boyfriend, Sam Bennett.

Sam Bennett. That relationship in itself was complicated. At first, to Addison, it had felt so right, so wonderful to be in the arms of this man she had known for years, who had known her for years. Never mind that he used to be married to her best friend; it's not that Addison wanted to hurt Naomi, but in her heart she just felt that Sam was the one.

But that was the funny thing about love, it had a way of changing when you least expect it to. Just like Addison's mother used to say: People Plan and God Laughs.

Now she had no idea what she felt for Sam. He had known for a very long time how much she yearned to be a mother, how much having the abortion came back to haunt her. The only thing he didn't know was of Addison's baby she did have back in 1983. No, only Derek knew about her, and that's the way Addison had always wanted to keep it. Alina – or, let's face it, that probably wasn't even her name anymore – was her past, and she needed to look toward the future.

And yet, having a baby with Addison seemed to be the last thing Sam Bennett wanted in his life for whatever reason. He claimed it was because of Maya and Olivia, but Addison knew better. She knew there was something holding him back, but she couldn't reach it, and now she wasn't even sure she wanted to.

Sam stood on the edge of the porch, and Addison could feel him watching her. She couldn't look at him, because she couldn't imagine what he could possibly have to say to make her feel better. Before the adoption process had even started, he had removed all traces of himself from Addison's house, proving without a doubt (to the adoption agency) that he wanted nothing to do with her getting a new baby.

"I didn't get the baby," she said, still staring straight into the ocean.

Sam sighed, sitting on the adjacent deck chair. "I'm sorry."

Addison nodded, wanting nothing more than to roll her eyes, scream, lash out at him. The nerve; coming here and pretending to be sorry when really, he couldn't be happier, and he wasn't doing a good job at hiding it.

"I know how much this means to you," he said. "And I'm sorry for your disappointment."

Addison was silent.

"I love you," Sam finished.

That grabbed her attention. Turning her head slowly, she finally met his gaze; that gaze that two years ago, made her weak in the knees.

"I love you too," she replied, placing a hand on his knee.

Sam shook his head. "You can't do this anymore."

Addison felt a clench in her chest. "I know."

Sam took hold of her hand, as if he thought this could comfort her, shield the blow of what she already knew was coming. "So this is it?"

They were breaking up.

"Yeah, this is it," Addison said quietly.

I wanted a baby and I wanted Sam, and I got no baby and no Sam.

How am I supposed to believe in anything ever again?

How is love not enough?

Thanks so much for reading! Chapter 2 will focus completely on the present time, and you'll get to see some of the other characters of Private Practice, as well as a completely new character. Let me know what you guys think and if you think I should continue! Oh and by the way, I'm listing this story as Jaddison because we'll eventually get there ;)