Kind of view inside River Song's mind during "Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead." Dialogue is not my own!
"Get out," the first thing he said to her on this trip. He was young, incredibly young. He looked at her, without looking at her. Looked straight through her, as if he was looking at Dave or Anita or anyone else.
He looked at her as if he did not know her.
It was her worst nightmare.
She ignored it, or at least tried to. There was a mystery to be solved here after all. She pretended it was all an act by him, and who knows, maybe it was. Maybe she did do something that he couldn't forgive, so he did this. He caused her pain deliberately and without mercy.
He was young. So young.
And she knew the truth, deep in her heart, ever since he first looked at her.
He had no idea who she was. And it killed her.
How does he not know me? Has he never met me before? He must not have. Then I'll never get to see him again. My last time, running with the Doctor. My Doctor is gone. I'll never see him again. What happens to me after this? My Doctor is gone, I'll never see his stupid bowtie or his "I've solved everything but the obvious, aren't I clever" grin. His TARDIS. I've lost everyone else I've loved. I can't lose him. He is everything, and he doesn't know me. How does he not know me?
She can't tell him anything. They can't recount stories of what they've just done, she can't joke and flirt. He tries to take the book, but she can't let him. Against the rules. His own rules that he hasn't made yet. The rules he made because she told him about them. It hurts. Hurts more than what she would have thought. Oh, Doctor, I miss you so much.
It's complicated. It's hard explaining to his current companion. She doesn't recognize her. Red- hair, like her mother, the Doctor always has liked gingers. Then the Doctor calls her name. Donna. Donna Noble, one of the Doctor's closest friends with such a heartbreaking ending. Even her Doctor, the one possibly hundreds of years from now, talks about her. It was an honor to meet her, though she knows what is going to happen. Another way it hurts. Knowing everyone and who they will be and what happens to them. No matter how tragic.
The Doctor alluded to his first meeting of River before. He never sounded happy about it. What happens here and now?
He knows she has his sonic screwdriver. He's asking questions about the two of them. About his future self's motives. River has never questioned the Doctor that deeply before. But now she can't help but wonder. This is an important part of her timeline, she knows, but why? So many things just do not add up. The screwdriver. The singing towers. The Doctor crying. The library. River. The Doctor. It was a mixed equation with so many variables, and River felt like the answer wasn't something she will like.
He still does not trust her. She has to get over this bit of hurt in order to tell the both of them why it is so important that he does. Donna is gone, she should come back, if the stories about her are true, but the Doctor does not know that. He is emotional, he is making mistakes. He can not make mistakes here.
He has to trust her. He has to know that he will trust her in the future, and trust her now.
There is only one way he can, and she knows what it will do to him. She has to tell him his secret. The secret he tells no one. No one but her. The secret that hurts him so much, and brings up memories to hurt him more. She knows what it will do to him, and she feels the pain she knows he will feel for him. Then she leans in closer to him and whispers in his ear.
He is going to end up dead. He knows this, but he's going to do it anyway. Self sacrificing, even when it comes to his own life. No different than the one River knows and loves. The one she will never see again.
She can't let him do this. If he dies here, he will never live later. She will never see him. Only here and now, where he doesn't even know her.
Time will be rewritten.
Don't you dare.
His own words that he will never get to say if this Doctor follows through now.
And with that, she knows exactly what to do.
Auto Destruct in two minutes.
She tries to joke, avoid the pain. It won't hurt her as much as it will him, someone dying for him. His hurt is her hurt, although he doesn't understand that yet.
Funny thing is, this means you've always known how I was going to die. All the time we've been together, you knew I was coming here. The last time I saw you, the real you, the future you, I mean, you turned up on my doorstep, with a new haircut and a suit. You took me to Darillium to see the Singing Towers. What a night that was. The Towers sang, and you cried. You wouldn't tell me why, but I suppose you knew it was time. My time. Time to come to the library. You even gave me your screwdriver. That should have been a clue.
It's almost time.
The Doctor will live on, go on to travel with the Ponds and the Impossble Girl. Travel with herself. The times she treasures will soon be his as well.
It's getting close.
Goodbye, my love.
'Till death do us part.
When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it will never end. But however hard you try, you can't run for ever. Everybody knows that everybody dies, and nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark, if he ever, for one moment, accepts it.
Everybody knows that everybody dies. But not every day.
She saved him, and he saves her. A cycle that will keep going and going. She's just a ghost now. But there's so much wiggle room there.
As she used to love to say:
A/N: I truly adore River's character. She's funny and flirtatious, yet incredibly strong and loyal. And when you look at her timeline, or her motives and feelings, it's actually kind of tragic. Still, she trusts and loves her parents, and especially the Doctor, and would do/ has done anything for them and for others. I want to be her when I grow up, but I don't think many people, myself included, could handle that. I respect her so much, and look up to her in lots of ways. Unfortunately, I've met other fans who don't like her simply for her relationship with the Doctor, people who preferred him with Rose, or Romana, or other companions/ characters. I could go on a lot more about their relationship or just River, but I'll end it before it gets even more ramble-y. The point I was trying to get across is that River is fantastic, she's brilliant, she's human, and she deserves to be loved and respected, regardless of her love life.
I'm still not sure how I feel about this story. I want to do River's character justice, and I'm not sure if I got her well enough.
This story has been bugging me for days, and now that it's written it's bugging me again. I probably will do another thing like this with "Name of the Doctor," but life and school is picking up again, so I have no clue when it would get written or posted.
Oh, and the title is from the weird game thing Moffatiss plays, and how River got her name. They create weird and often vulgar sentences based on the acronyms of old DW story titles. Moffat could only think of "A River Song Ending" and couldn't get it out of his head. It's also fitting since this is River Song's ending, and I don't think she would want it any other way.
Thank you for reading, even if you skipped my gush on River! Please Review!