Ever since Jordan and I broke up things have been different. Nobody else seems to notice, they just assume that he and I are still friends. We are, in a way. But since I overheard him talking to the surfer girl who we rescued, I have trouble associating 'Jordan' in the same sentence as 'friend'. We were together for 6 months. I know that it isn't a particularly long time but I thought we had something special. If I had known that Jordan just saw me as a 'good time', I would have ended it months ago. I would probably have saved him from having to pretend that he loved me, and having to lie that he wanted something more. But it's over now. The only thing that remains is the pain he causes me, knowing that our relationship wasn't real, and having to watch him with different women every day, because I know that he likes to be with them more than he did with me.
So when Lara told me that they were all going for a drink, I lied. I told her that I already had plans, because I know that if I had to watch Jordan with another woman I would break. For once in the seven weeks that we had been separated, I wasn't going to think about him and what I had heard him say. I trusted him. I told myself that everything would be okay, that Jordan loved me and he would never hurt me. I don't want to be like this over him. I tell myself that I should forget about it, that he was just saying it to convince himself that he's over me, but deep inside I know. I know that he meant it. Every word. And it's breaking me.
Something is wrong with Heidi. She's been different ever since she and Jordan broke up. At first she seemed to be dealing with it okay, but now it's like she's in her own world sometimes. She doesn't go out with Lara anymore on the weekends; Lara herself told me that, so I'm not the only one who has noticed. Jordan is fine with it; he can't have slept with that many women since they broke up if he wasn't. That could be part of the reason that she is finding it hard, the fact that he has managed to move on so quickly and she hasn't. All I know is that she can't go on like this much longer. She's been getting worse recently, and more people are starting to notice that something's up. Michelle has been asking me and Lara to keep an eye on her, and Vince and Chase find it hard to engage her in a conversation with them.
I don't want to have to bench her because she is one of the best people I know for this job. But I am worried about her and I don't want to lose her. I am going to go round to her house later, because I want to see her out of work in her own space where she feels comfortable. It may make her feel less anxious when I talk to her.
HEIDI AND DEAN
I felt the blood trickling down my arm. It was warm, wet, but it didn't hurt. The glass was on the floor, broken but I wasn't really paying attention to it. I just sat there, staring at it. I heard the doorbell go, and it pulled my eyes to the door. I got up and went to answer it forgetting about the blood, now pouring down my arm and dripping onto the floor. I wasn't expecting Dean to be on the other side.
Dean: 'Hey, I just wanted to see if you were okay, you didn't come out with us so I thought I'd come round and –'
I followed his gaze to my arm and saw the fear and concern register on his face.
Heidi: 'I dropped a glass, cut myself on one of the pieces.'
Dean: 'Heidi why didn't you call someone! You're losing too much blood. . .way too much. . .'
I suddenly realise what he is so worried about. The cut reaches from my elbow to my wrist, and is at least a few centimetres deep. I realise that I suddenly feel weak and really light-headed. I feel my body sort of give up and Dean reaches out to support me. He holds my arm tightly as he leads me inside to the sofa, and then runs into the kitchen for a towel which he wraps tightly around the cut which by now is bleeding heavier and faster.
Dean: 'Heidi when did this happen?'
Heidi: 'I don't know, a while ago. It wasn't that bad before.'
Dean: 'I can't deal with this properly, you need a hospital. Heidi you should have called someone before, you know that these types of cuts can get worse.'
Heidi: 'It didn't hurt. It was warm, and peaceful. Like nothing else mattered anymore.'
He looked up at her, with an alarmed expression on his face.
Dean: 'Heidi, look at me; I need you to keep talking to me okay. Tell me what peaceful was like, Heidi, tell me what it was like.'
I know that she is losing more blood every second, but I can't move her until I make the towel more stable round her arm, so that by moving her, the cut doesn't open wider. It's getting harder for her to stay awake but I am concerned that she found it peaceful afterwards. We all knew something was wrong with her, but this is serious now. Even if she didn't do this deliberately, if it makes her feel like this, she might do it again, and that's what worries me.
AT THE HOSPITAL – DEAN
We arrived at the hospital a couple of hours ago. By that time Heidi could barely walk on her own. They took us through to emergency and after that it happened pretty much all at once. They cleaned and sutured the cut and also gave her a blood transfusion to make up the amount she had lost, which was close to a pint. Afterwards they put us into a private room on a ward, where we are now. She's still out from the sedative, but she should be able to go home tomorrow, with supervision.
I called Michelle and let her know that we wouldn't be into work for a few days, because I didn't want Heidi on her own, not after what she said back at the house. She understood, and I made sure that nobody else was to know the specifics; just that she had had an accident and would be back at work in a few days. From what Heidi had told me, it was probably just a serious accident, but the fact that she didn't do anything about it could mean something a lot more intentional. Michelle was the only one who needed to know that at this time. But until we knew more, we both agreed that Heidi shouldn't be on her own. She had brought a bag with some of Heidi's things to the hospital, as she was going to stay with me.
When she arrived it was around 1.30am. She had stayed for a bit and then left, but I promised I would call her and let her know how Heidi was doing. I tried to get some sleep afterwards, but couldn't. I just kept thinking about what was going to happen now, how we were going to be able to help Heidi. And the only thing that kept coming into my head was that we wouldn't be able to, unless she asked us to. Unless she trusted us enough to be able to do that. And I knew that Heidi was the only one who could answer that.