35A/N: thank you annabellex2, WhySoSerious94 for your reviews! Thanks if you favorited, followed and still keep reading! And from chapter 12 things will be quite interesting.. here's the lead up! There's quite a lot emotional events in this one, even if all the 3000+ words go down within one day in story time... Carlos is ... well you will see what he will do! :)
Chapter 11
A couple of weeks passed so fast I barely noticed. Time never seemed to fly as fast as it had been lately. We neared the end of school year, thank God, I'd be free for a few months. I wondered what James had planned for the summer. He never talked about his mother. Will he visit her? I didn't know if he'd ever seen her since the divorce.
While we were at school James sometimes talked to me. It was nothing special. Just enough to remind me that something was going behind my back. All of his 'friends' were watching whenever we were paired for some school task, or if he just happened to ask me if I needed help with something. I refused to say yes even if I did need something. Didn't want anyone to think I'd let him get under my skin.
"Hey, sweetie." I picked my breakfast with my fork as mom slid onto a chair opposite me. I looked up. "Don't you ever want to do something with James again? Lately you two are never together, barely talk at all. Anything happened?" I had no idea if it did. I shrugged. We went to a concert once, walked to school about two times, one of those ended with him running off after yelling at me. We saw each other at school every day, had classes together, but James wouldn't show interest in me. Ever since I cried after overhearing him talking to his friends about me, and how he wanted to play with me, he hadn't been around me. He hadn't tried to explain whatsoever. Fact was, when a week had gone by and he hadn't talked to me I decided I didn't care anymore. If his trying to get in touch with me again consisted of those attempts at school, it was miserable. Did he really think I'd have that kind of talk with him there? No way I'd do that. So I'd remained uninterested as well. Two can play a game.
"I don't know mom."
"I'd like you to give him a chance." Mom pushed.
"He doesn't like me, okay? I tried." God knows I had. "Can you just please don't push this?"
"Sure, of course." She sadly nodded. "And Kendall?"
"What about him?" I had no appetite at all so I stood and emptied my plate.
"He's coming less. That's all. I was just wondering." Kendall indeed had come less to my house, because he was with Logan all the time. But so far he'd managed to give me some of his time so I had nothing to complain about. I understood that this relationship of his somehow required more of his time, which probably meant good. It probably meant they were doing well together, and I was happy for that. If Kendall was happy, I was happy for his happiness. I was not so greedy to not understand how love worked.
"He's still coming every weekend, so I think everything is okay?" I turned and noticed that Chris had arrived too. I nodded to his direction and continued speaking. "His new boyfriend, Logan, he's with him a lot. I can't say it's a little bad that I'm alone more now, but I also know how we can't be together all the time. That's how life works. I think?" Questioningly I eyed my mom and Chris who seemed to agree with me because he gave a thumbs up signaling my way of thinking was more than fine.
"It doesn't mean you've got to stay inside all day." As mom spoke I let out a sigh and so did Chris, I should call him stepfather now.
"Darling," my stepfather kissed mom's hand. "I think Carlos is old enough to decide what he wants to do. If he wants to go out, he will. See how well he puts up with the lack of his best friend? Other kids would be freaking out that they're growing apart, but Carlos, he's smart. He knows that he's just as important to Kendall as he's always been." That was right. I knew that my friendship with Kendall was like no other, it meant so much for both of us. Anything could happen, we could be parted by insanely long distances, I'd still think of him as my best friend. And he'd do the same.
So far it never had been a problem for my mother that I'd not been an outgoing type. I had no idea why it had started to concern her now. Though I was very glad that it didn't at all bother Chris.
The other thing that bothered me was how day after day I had become more sure that Chris was a good father, and James still full heartedly disliked him. That was the moment I realized it was time for my stepfather to get some filial appreciation. "Thank you, dad." I whispered. I could have sworn I saw tears picking his eyes as he looked up at me. My mom literally began crying softly.
When with full satisfaction I drew my eyes away from my parents I caught sight of James standing in the door. Now, what I could read from his face was not pleasant. I might have hit some sensitive spot in him with such an action towards his father. Jealousy, anger, sadness. All mixed on his handsome face, and for a little piece of a second I dared hope that he'd say a word, but he masked his emotions instead. His expression became blank, and he left. Mom and Chris had not even noticed his presence.
"I've got a little headache." I cleared my throat to receive some attention. Chris was lovingly whispering something to mom and I started to feel a bit embarrassed. "I'll be upstairs."
"Oh wait, Carlos." Chris rose, till now he'd knelt in front of mom. "We wanted to tell you that your mother and I are going to be out of town this weekend." Oh. "You and James, you will be okay?"
Oh so that was the reason of the questionnaire. "Sure. I think we'll not burn the house?" I joked. "May I ask what's the occasion?"
"It's just for a little ... relaxation." Dad said carefully. I was aware of my red cheeks but he pretended to not care about it. "We're going for a mountain trip with a couple of my friends." Oh not the nasty thing. Or at least not day and night without a stop.
"Great. Have fun. Make sure you get back as whole." A little worryingly I glanced at mom who was grinning widely. She loved the mountains. I remembered how many stories I'd heard about her and my birth father touring up there, way before I was born. She must have missed it. "I'm sure mom will love that. Thank you for ... everything, dad." I called him my father again. And it seemed to touch his heart as it had the first time.
Mom and dad left shortly after.
James was downstairs too to say good bye, but he hadn't acknowledged me at all. Took me about five minutes of arguing with myself to be brave enough and go to his room. But by the time I reached the door I wanted in so bad, he quickly stepped out and shut it behind him. For a couple of seconds he just stared at me with raised eyebrows then pulled his sleeves up to his elbows and set his sunglasses in front of his eyes. "Going somewhere?"
"I'm taking a walk." Casually he said. I supposed there was not going to be an invitation for me, and so I sighed. And was about to turn and hide in my room for the remaining time of the weekend when he touched my arm. "Wanna come?"
This might be the time he gives me an explanation. Don't say no. Don't say no. I told myself. But I kind of wished I could say simply no. Because these past weeks I'd lost interest in him, in a possible friendship with him. He hadn't tried to explain. Though I hadn't tried to ask for an explanation either. I'd wanted to save myself from hearing something I wouldn't have liked. Was it fair towards him? No. But his ignoring me wasn't fair either. So what? We both had turned out to be assholes. "No." And I continued to be it, even if he was willing to make up for all those weeks. I didn't want to be played with. He was once nice to me, then a real jerk, then nice again, then hurt me yet again, and then just ignored me. And what he wanted now? Play nice and then fuck me up when I already think we would be okay? No, thanks. I hadn't signed up for that.
"Why didn't you ever ask me about why I said that thing to those idiots?" Ripping me out of my thoughts, James reminded me that we were sort of having a conversation. Somewhere between his 'Wanna come?' and my 'No.', he'd taken his sunglasses off and now his eyes were penetrating mine.
"I should have come to ask you about it?" Wide eyed I questioned.
"I don't know. I thought you'd come once you were ... like ready for it." Running his hand through his messy hair, James blew out a long breath. He was waiting for me to ... to process what I heard? "I didn't just want to flood it all on you all of a sudden. I know how you felt. I can imagine. And I know that ... probably whatever I'd have tried to say would have gone through you and you wouldn't think about it at all."
"That's nice of you." I managed to say. "And you were right." He was right. Looking back at how crushed I had felt then I knew that it would have been just the way he described. "But you waited for too long. I've begun to think ... you just ... didn't have a thing to explain because what you told them was true. That you played with me. I didn't know if I could trust you. If it was worth it to ask you about it ... you know... you might have lied.. I didn't want to be lied to. I'd rather be kept in the dark then."
"So when I was trying to give you space and time, you decided I didn't want to talk to you anymore, and that then you'd not try either."
"Pretty much."
We were quiet after that. Just stood there in front of his bedroom door.
"We're typical teenagers." James laughed a little. And I kind of grinned.
"What are we gonna do?" Scared of what he was going to say I lowered my eyes. The carpet seemed appealing at that moment.
"I'm not sure Carlos." He sighed long. "I don't know how to treat people the right way. I don't like socializing. You told me I was uptight before all this cool-kid thing happened to me, and that's true. I still am uptight. I wanna be. That's why I'm mean to everyone and put on the I don't-give-a-fuck-about-anything show. I don't make friends. I don't even want to. I don't wanna be close to people. I just don't. I hate all of those things. Emotions suck. I don't need them. Therefor I can't guarantee I won't be an ass to you anytime we're outside of this house. When we are alone ... it's different."
The things he said made sense. It was just who he was. But he was way too young to put it out like that, to decide that he was going to live a life like that, was unfair towards himself. How didn't he notice that? "Why's it different with me?"
"You're family. I've never had a brother. If there's one person I'd like to be close to, it's my brother." That sounded very nice and warm.
"It's a pretty thing to say James. But it's not how it should be." You don't treat family like shit if it makes you look cool.
"Shouldn't we be close?"
"No. That's not what I mean." I stopped wondering if he'd think about it and realize what I'd tried to say. It appeared to me he failed to do that, so I went on, "You can't just pick one person to be close to, and treat the rest like shit. And the person you choose, should at least be treated nicely most of the time if you can't do otherwise and want to live this way. You can't bully me in front of everyone else only to keep up the -cool-kid- appearance. And then be my good brother. People come and go. Some may hurt you, others though, they could love you so much they could make all the pain fade away. But you, you wouldn't even give them a chance." As James processed my words, I noticed how slowly disappointment began to rule his facial expression. "It's unfair to those people who want to love you. For example to your father." That was when he let out a big growl. I also saw that he wanted to get away from me as fast as he possibly could. But for some reason he stayed. "And it's unfair to you as well."
He shook his head. He just kept doing that, not making an effort to look me in the eye or to try to accept that what I had said was true.
"You can't change me, Carlos. Don't even think you can. I want to be like this. It's for the best. And if with all of this you're telling me you don't want my closeness, then so be it. I can do just fine without it. You know I can. And just so you know I don't mean to hurt you with this. I don't want to do this. But I also understand that you don't like how unpredictable the situation would be if we're ... friends." I didn't meant to get here. I didn't want to lose the chance of being the one special person that he decided to like.
But I was certain I didn't want the 'unpredictable', how he had put it. "I haven't said anything about changing you. But soon you'll see how much you crave love. Just like everyone. Like Kendall. God, he's such a good boy and he's put himself through a lot of shit because he wants to love every thing in this world. I've always wondered why he does this and now I understand. You know I am like him. I'm less extroverted, but I also tend to fall for people easily. Because I like loving them. And then here you are. You're like us, too, James."
The way he looked at me gave away that he didn't think so. Soon he spoke his disagreement. "I don't see how."
"Everyone's different. For whatever reason you don't want love, like there could be such thing as too much love, you're afraid of it. And right now, as you said we're teenagers. Right now it's okay for you to keep it like that. But soon, James so soon you'll want that love. You'll want every little piece of love you can have. But by the time you get there you might not find anyone who'd be willing to love you because you've pushed them all away." He hated when I mentioned his father, so I had to include him in here the more I could. "Your father is the perfect example, again. He wants to show you how much he loves you because believe me he does love you. A father always loves his children. But you won't give him a chance. And sadly. no one lives forever. There might be a day when you'll not be able to make up with him. Though he'll love you forever it might take too much time for you to realize it, you'll lose him. That's how you will lose everyone."
"I think that's a little too much for you to say." He kept in check, apparently he did. but unwanted emotions had probably boiled inside him already. "This bullshit about love ... it's so unnecessary, Carlos. Our stories end too soon. If you fill that short time you have in this universe, with stupid feelings you just ruin the whole thing."
"No. Nope." I couldn't believe how he didn't think straight at all for the smart boy he was. "Those stupid feelings are what make that short time complete. Whatever you're doing here with your life, it isn't worth a thing if you don't have anyone to share it with. There will be a day when you'll know I was right."
"We could argue about this all day, weekend, for the rest of our lives, but wouldn't that be a waste?" He pulled his jacket tighter around himself, sunglasses firmly set above his hairline just a slight movement away from being pushed down to his eyes, he was ready to go now. "What do you say then? How will we do this?"
To this day I am not exactly sure why I told him what I actually did to finish our conversation. It just happened. I had no idea where it came from, or that I was going to be able to get through with my plan, but I wanted to give it a chance anyway. I just knew I had to. "I've decided I won't take your bullying anymore. And if it comes with losing you as a brother, losing the connection that we couldn't yet exactly strengthen at all, then it will be that way."
He glanced down at me whether in disbelief or secretly wishing me good luck, I don't know.
And then I watched him walk away.