I do not own Harry Potter.
To those who are returning - Parceltongue has been rewritten.
It was a normal morning at Grimauld Place number 12, Albus Dubledore was discussing something with several other Order members that arrived after their job for the order was finished. Hermione and Ron were as always arguing, Ginny and other Weasley children were still absent. Molly Weasley was making the breakfast, while Nymphadora was trying to help her... failing was a better word.
The simple day was interrupted by an owl with a red envelope flying into the kitchen . The envelope was a magical artifact known as Howler, it was addressed to one Albus 'of many names' Dumbledore, yes the 'of many names' part was written on the envelope. Albus waved his wand to destroy the letter before it could interrupt the meal. A normal Howler would be no match for Albus experience and power, yet this one was made by someone that could match Albus in both power and experience.
"Albus Perciwal Brian and whatever other names you carry, Dumbledore."The voice of Dan Granger, Hermione's father started. "We have given our permission for Hermione to spend her time with her friends in the Magical World so she could learn more about it. The permission didn't mention anything about allowing her to perform menial tasks, menial tasks that she could quickly complete with the magic you supposedly teach her. Menial tasks that she doesn't even get payed for, neither she gets any valuable experience for completing them! This doesn't even mention the fact that she is spending her time with an illegal paramilitary organization! You have lied to us Dumbledore and as Hermione's parents, we are revoking her permission to spend her times with your vigilantes. We are giving you twenty four hours, that's a single day in case you don't know what hour is, to bring Hermione back home so we can have an important talk with her. If she isn't back by that time we will charge you with kidnapping in both muggle and magical world. Have nice day, you poor Gandalf imitation."
After completing this task the Howler burst into flames.
"Albus, what is the meaning of this?" Asked one of the Order members.
"I do not know, Lucinda. I will go to Miss Granger house to speak with her parents." Replied Dumbledore.
"Can I go with you, Professor? I will speak to my dad and try to explain him the situation."
"Very well, Miss Granger. We will leave in an hour."
One hour later.
A minute after the door bell rang Dumbledore saw Hermione's father opening the door with a scowl on his face.
"You. At least you are fast. Hermione come on in. Dumbledore, you can get lost." After Hermione entered Dan started to close the door but was interrupted by Dumbledore.
"Mister Granger, can I discuss that situation with you? I am sure we can reach an understatement."
"No Dumbledore, you will be discussing this 'situation', as you called it, with my wife. I will speak with my daughter."
Hermione only sighted, she knew her parents very well and when her father was like that it was better to wait it out, she only hoped that Dumbledore won't do anything stupid. Trying to speak with her parents after he bespelled them would be difficult. Trying to speak with Harry and Ron after her mother castrated Headmaster would be even more difficult.
Dan lead Dumbledore to their living room where Hermione's mother Emma was already waiting.
"Please, have a seat Mister Dumbledore. We have a lot of things to discuss." Emma said with a pleasant smile. When Hermione saw that smile she shuddered. It was her mother's 'I am going to do something very bad to you' smile. Every time Hermione saw her mother use that smile bad things happened, bad things to other people that is. Dumbledore never noticed that, dismissing Emma as another harmless muggle that should be aved by his mere presence.
"Honey, please take Hermione to the garden so she won't be interrupting us."
"Mrs Granger, I understand that you..." Emma rose her hand to interrupt him.
"Albus, can I call you Albus? Thank you." She said before he could refuse, still smiling. "Now, there is a little problem. You see, we were told by our daughter that she will be spending her time with her friends. That she will be learning about magical world and it's culture, if you can call that atrocity a culture that is." Emma added the last part with a scowl. "But still, it was her wish to learn about it and even help you. She gets that after my husband, he likes to spend part of our holidays in some third world countries helping the primitive natives in their tough life, just like our daughter is helping you." Emma finished with a smile, ignoring all the not very subtle insults towards Dumbledore and his kin.
Dumbledore was fuming, how dare this muggle woman call him by his name? How she dares insulting the Magical World by calling it a primitive thirld world country? What in Merlin's name was a third world country? Was there a hidden muggle world that Grangers knew about?
"Mrs Granger, the Magical World is a very ad..." He was yet again not allowed to finish.
"Yes, yes. You have magic. Big deal." Emma casually dismissed Dumbledore. " Still, our daughter likes to learn those parlor tricks, and if she wants to stay in your little backward world we want her to be successful. That's why she won't be wasting her time on your little house keeping tasks. It's not that she learns anything from that." Emma was interrupted by Hermione shouting a loud WHAT. "Oh dear, Hermione has just found out that you have refused all the internship offers she had received."
Emma was still smiling, Dumbledore finally noticed that something is not right. They should not know anything about those offers. After Voldemort's defeat nothing really changed, muggleborns were still discriminated against, so those who got internship offers from abroad during their Hogwarts days choose to leave Britain taking many of their friends with them. That was bad, muggleborns were very important for the British economy, they did various menial works that no pureblood would do. That's why Dumbledore passed a new law that required all internship offers to be given to the muggleborn's Magical Guardian, namely him. He would then refuse all of them to keep muggleborns ignorant about better job opportunities outside Britain. It wasn't perfect and many muggleborns still left, but enough stayed to keep the economy going.
Dumbledore's musings were interrupted by a long list obscenities addressed at him by Hermione.
"My daughter takes her education very seriously, she doesn't like people who try to sabotage it."
"Mrs Granger, I did what I had to do to protect the Magical Britain. I am sure you would agree with me if you knew all the facts." Dumbledore started to reach for his wand.
"I would not do that if I were you." Said Emma. Dumbledore watched as she removed a napking that covered something Emma was holding. The item in question was two connected tubes with a handle of some sorts. "This is a sawed-off shotgun. If I pull this little trigger, it will blow a rather large hole in your chest." Emma was still smiling and at that point Dumbledore finally understood, it wasn't a smile given by a house wife to her guests, it was a smile of a predator when a victim, in this case him, enters the trap. "Obviously, such weapon is highly illegal in the non-magical world, fortunately for us it has some of your charms placed on it, it's silent and invisible for anyone who doesn't know about magic. Now Dumbledore, please kindly remove your person from my house. I don't want blood stains on my carpet." The smile disappeared.
Defeated Dumbeldore had to comply. He could try to ambush them later but doing so would be difficult and expensive in both time and manpower. He deiced to cut his looses and later claim that young Hermione has become a Dark Witch to destroy any credibility the girl might have, and to keep her away from Harry. The boy would never associate himself with someone that Dumbledore declared Dark, his animosity with Malfoy was enough proof of that.
One day ago.
"A Dark Lord? Me? Are you insane? Dumbledore would 'vanquish' me faster that you can say 'Avada Kedavra', or Fudge would throw me into Azkaban just for laugh. Not to mention your ex-minions, they would be a bit annoyed that someone else took your job."
"Don't be ridiculous Harry. Dumbledore would not even touch you, for several decades at least. The Ministry?" Tom laughed. "You could walk in with an entire army, have a battle deep inside it's building and walk out without anyone noticing or caring. Which in fact was Lucius plan for this year. Leave the Ministry to me."
"What do you mean?"
"I have a plan that will get you your very first minion and keep the Ministry away from you."
"And Sirius? I think he will be quite pissed that I am working with you. Not to mention Hermione or Ron."
"Ron? As in Ronald Weasley? A prueblood? Harry, outsmarting him would be as easy as taking candy from a baby, in fact I know many babies that would make it much more difficult than outsmarting Ron. And Miss Granger? I have a plan... a very evil and diabolical plan."
"Fine, you have convinced me... uhm... do I have to came up with an anagram for my name?"
"No, we will say that you are a modern Dark Lord and all those anagrams were for traditional Dark Lords."
Ministry of Magic
"Please state your name and reason of visit." Said the female voice in the booth Tom was using.
"Lord Voldemort, mayhem, murder and destruction. Muhahaha!"
"Thank you for your cooperation, please keep the name tag in a visible place." The voice replied in same tone as before.
Tom looked at the name tag, it said 'Lord Voldemort, ex-Dark Lord. Family business.'
"Hmm... this is probably the only thing in the Ministry that works properly." He muttered to himself.
There was a very unusual scene in the entry hallway of the Ministry that day. Dark Lord Voldemort appeared right in the middle of it, wearing his best Dark Lord style robes, his best Dark Lord noseless face and shouting in his best Dark Lord voice.
"It is I, Dark Lord Voldemort. I have came here to cause mayhem, death and destruction!" Tom shouted.
His appearance combined with such statement would cause a widespread panic... if there was anyone out there to panic. As it was a Monday morning, the hallway was completely empty. Well, almost empty. There was a single man sitting gin front of the waiting desk reading a book.
"To enter the Ministry you have to surrender your wand, you will receive it when you leave." Said the man without raising his eyes from the book.
Most people would be taken back by such an uninspired response, Lord Voldemort wasn't most people.
"Of course! Can I give up my spare wand?" Tom continued with his Dark Lord voice.
"I am not allowed to search you to check if you have any additional wands." The man shrugged.
"Muahaha! I have foiled those fools yet again!"
The man took the wand without looking up from his book. Tom was a bit amused that his appearance was less important than the book the man was reading, he peaked at the book when he passed the desk and saw a Playboy magazine.
"Muggleborn?" Voldemort asked in a normal voice.
"Yup." The man looked up at the name tag. "Ex-Dark Lord Voldemort?"
"Yes, shouldn't you try to apprehend me?" Tom was amused, the level of absurd of that situation was enormous. A muggleborn was having a casual conversation with the most evil dark lord ever. "Care to explain why you are not even slightly afraid of me? Most people that see me, run away rather fast."
"It's simple, the job I have is the most boring job in the Ministry, no pureblood would ever want it. Heck, I succeeded my dad who is a muggle. He worked here when I was attending Hogwarts. As for apprehending you, Mister Voldemort, you are not breaking any laws that I know about, so I have to reason to arrest you. Using the same alias of a different person is not a felony. The real Lord Voldemort might sue you for character theft, but he would have to show up personally at DMLE to file the lawsuit. I doubt that will ever happen." The man finished and went back to reading his 'book'.
"Interesting, I will inform my apprentice about this. Where can I find office responsible for Magical Guardianship?"
"Third floor, second door to the left." Man responded going back to lecture.
"Muahaha! I have successfully infiltrated the Ministry, those fools stood no chance against me!" Tom returned to his 'Dark Lord' voice as he waited for the elevator.
Ministry of Magic, Third Floor, Second Door To The Left
Three hours later
Tom cursed, while his infiltration was flawless, the whole 'empty Ministry' plot quickly backfired at him, there was no one around at that time on Monday because only few people were sober enough to work at such early hour. Fortunately, the time did not go to waste. Papers for changing Magical Guardianship were filled and ready, all he needed was a sign of the person working there.
Said person choose that time to enter the room, the moment she saw Voldemort she shrieked and fainted. Voldemort only sighted, he levitated the woman into her chair and revived her. She shrieked again, but this time she did not faint.
"Muahaha! I wish to declare myself magical Guardian of one Harry James Potter and Hermione Jane Granger! Muahahaha!"
The Ministry drone immediately went from 'scared like hell' to 'I'm a lazy bureaucrat' mode. "To do that you require any kind of family relation between yoursel and those people. As far as I know, the Potter family is not related to Slytherins."
"Of course they aren't! My proud family would never suild themselves with those plebeians. I am claiming relation though Lily Potter nee Evans."
"But she was a muggleborn." Pointed out the Drone.
"More like a half-blood, an indiscretion on my part during one of my earlier visits in the muggle world, you would be surprised what kind of punishment those muggles can survive. One of the females I had fun with did not die after I hit her with cutting charm to the neck. The effects are indisputable, Harry Potter is Parselmouth! Only Slytherin family can talk to snakes." The whole explanation was bullshit, Tom did not have to force females to have some fun. When he took down the 'Dark Lord' disguise girls flocked to him. The rest was also made up, Harry could talk to snakes because why the hell not. The scar had no effect on that, Tom make sure of it. The best explanation was random genetic mutation, something that shows up one in a million wizards, like Nymphadora's Tonks Metamorphmagi skills, this or Harry's mother used some ability boosting rituals on him. Tom knew that gaining Parseltongue through a ritual was possible, after all, it was the way he obtained that ability.
But the Ministry drone knew nothing of that, what she knew was 'Voldemort is Parseltongue, Potter is Parseltongue, they have to be related.'
"Very well, what about this second person? Granger?"
"Ah... she is often called the brightest witch of her generation, like girl like that could be a muggleborn. The whole notion is laughable." Tom snorted.
"Yes, but it doesn't explain how you are related to her."
"Bellatrix wanted a kid, I couldn't say no to her. After the girl was born, Bella took her on a raid and kind of... forgotten about her. She was never the smartest person around, dedicated but dumb. Fortunately, Hermione inherited her brain from me." Tom smiled, as much as his face allowed him.
"I guess she got her looks from her mother?" The drone eyed him.
"Very well, Lord Voldemort, you are now Magical Guardian of Harry James Potter and Hermione Jane Granger. Have a nice day." Tom took a copy of signed papers and went to his next target.
On his way to the next office Tom was stopped by an Auror. "Excuse me, are you You-Know-Who?"
"Aren't you dead?" Asked the puzzled Auror.
"That I am." Agreed Tom.
"Oh... I'm sorry for bringing that up."
"Don't worry, I got used to that. Was there anything you wanted from me?"
"Uhm... as you are dead, you are no longer my department's problem so no. Have good day." The Aurow waved at Tom and left.
"Thank you." Tom said out loud. "And I wanted to rule those people?" He added silently.
Fortunately, the second office was already manned and Tom did not have to wait for the new employer to show up. The man working there did not even raise his head when Tom filled the files, apparently Harry Potter becoming a Dark Lord intern was old news. The man did raise his eyebrow when he noticed Hermione Granger-LeStrange-Slytherin filled as Dark Lord's Right Hand intern.
"Shouldn't it be the other way around?" Asked the employer.
"You mean my daughter becoming a Dark Lady and Potter her minion? Do you think anyone would take her seriously?" Tom eyed the man.
"Point, not to mention all the trouble with coming up with an anagram of her name." The man looked at Hermione's name.
"Don't even mention it to me, it took me four months with my own anagram. I did it only because this stupid fashion to turn your name into an anagram when you go into the Dark Lord business." Tom complained.
"Yeah, it wasn't like that in my days. A bunch of Dark Wizards gathered and simply caused mayhem and destruction, no need for all those fancy robes, masks and weird sounding names. Death Eaters? The name sounds like something a poor muggle housewife came up with." Tom did not mention that the idea for that name actually came from a muggle housewife.
The both men reminisced the 'good old times' for a while longer.
When Tom got all the documents he needed he went to the exit. On his way there he encountered the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge. When Fudge saw Tom in his Dark Lord outfit he nearly fainted.
"Good morning Minister, nice day we have." Tom gave the Minister a small bow along with his greetings.
"You... You... You-Know-Who! You are supposed to be dead!" Stuttered Minister.
"In that case, I am obviously a ghost."
Fudge managed to composure himself. "Oh, that's fine then. For a moment I was afraid... no matter. May I ask why you visited the Ministry."
"Of course, I decided to provide my daughter and grandson the best pureblood upbringing I could offer."
"That's nice to hear, does your ancestors have a career in mind?" Asked Fudge, having even one of them in the Ministry would enhance his prestige and get him many votes from the pureblood families.
"My grandson is thinking about succeeding me as the Dark Lord. I hope my daughter will work as his 'right hand' and chief executioner." Tom smiled.
"Da da da dark lord?" Stuttered Fudge.
"Well yes, Britain does not have a proper Dark Lord candidate. Surely, such a worldly man like yourself will know that without a proper Dark Lord Britain would quickly become a laughing stock among other ICW nations. Just like France is famous for their love of veelas and white flags, Germany for their Firebeer and sausage, Britain is known all over the world for our Dark Lords. You would not want to be remembered as the Minister who caused such a great tradition to disappear, would you Mister Fudge?"
"Of course not! Tradition is the foundation of our society, I always said in my speeches how important preserving our tradition is. May I ask who your grandson is so the Ministry can extend helping hand in preserving the best traditions of our society?" And get me even MORE votes, thought Fudge.
"That's no one else than Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter? But didn't he announce your resurrection?"
"Yes, indeed he did. It was a poorly made plot, hence the reason of my presence in the mortal realm. I cannot allow my progeny to follow such poor plots, can I?"
"Of course not, what would other nations think about us." Agreed Fudge.
"And your daughter?" Inquired Fudge.
"I doubt you heard about her Minister, she pretends to be a muggleborn to avoid being detected by Dumbledore. Her name is Hermione Granger."
Fudge thought for a while. "I believe I did met her about two years ago, she was involved in Sirius Black escape from Hogwarts."
"A yes, that reminds me. I have a personal matter to discuss with you, Minister. Could we go to your office?"
Dumbledore looked at the Daily Prophet, he congratulated Nymphadora on a job well done. On the first page of the paper was an announcement that a certain Hermione Granger has just become a Dark Witch and joined Dark Lord. He wanted her reputation destroyed, when he gave the orders to Nymphadora he thought that she will go near Granger's home and cast some Darkt spells, such action will be caught by Trace and Hermione Granger would be expelled from Hogwarts and quite possibly spend some time in Azkaban for using Dark Magic.
Still, he never specified how he wants her reputation to be ruined and Nyphadora certainly proved to be very creative. His musings were interrupted by Nyphadoda Tonks entering his office.
"Ah, Ny... Miss Tonks, I was thinking about you. Congratulations on a job well done." Dumbledore pointed at the newspaper.
"Headmaster... I have some bad You-Know-Who was seen in the Ministry."
"The Prophet never mentioned it, how many people died?" Asked Dumbledore, inwardly he was congratulating Fudge on his information suppression skills.
"That's the problem Headmaster, no one died. You-Know-Who entered Ministry early morning and left it around noon. On his way out he met Fudge. They had a little chat and then moved to Fudge's office. I followed them to the office and managed to hear part of that conversation."
"Voldemort entered the Ministry and didn't kill anyone? Didn't fire a single spell, no Killing Curses, no Cruciatus? Nothing? What about Aurors?"
"Apparently You-Know-Who told them that he is a ghost and they didn't try anything, ghosts are known to be harmless."
Dumbledore cursed inwardly, wizards were rather naive and usually didn't question the simplest explanation. Fudge claimed Voldemort to be dead, Voldemort shows up and claims to be a ghosts so no one reacts as it fits the official story.
Before he could respond, the door to the office opened and a very tired Severus Snape ran into the office.
"Headmaster, Dark Lord has quit." Snape said between deep breaths. "He has left a note in the Malfoy Manor saying that he is retiring. Death Eaters are panicking, Malfoy tried to suppress the news but he has failed." Snape conjured himself a chair.
Dumbeldroe turned towards the window and started muttering. "What is he planning? Visit in the Ministry, quitting as a Dark Lord."
"Headmaster." Nymphadora tried to get his attention.
"Yes, Miss Tonks?"
"About that conversation You-Know-Who had with the Minister, he told Fudge that he is planning to take Hermione Granger as an apprentice and teach her how to be a Dark Lady."
"That girl a Dark Lady? How the standards have fallen." Snorted Snape.
Dumbledore decided to not tell Snape about his meeting with Hermione's mother. If the girl inherited half of the ruthlessness of her mother she would make a splendid Dark Lady. With Tom guiding her, she will make a ideal opponent for Harry. The story about their struggle would be told for centuries, obviously Miss Granger will kill Harry only to allow his mentor, in which role Dumbledore saw himself, to avenge him. Killing two, no, three Dark Lords in his lifetime will make Dumbledore even greater wizard than Merlin.
"That's not all, according to Aurors that were with Fudge, You-Know-Who will also train Harry Potter as the future Dark Lord. Apparently, Hermione is supposed to be his chief enforcer or something."
"What?" Shouted both men.
"Albus, you have to stop that! Go to his home and bring him to Grimauld Place, we cannot allow Dark Lord to train him as another Dark Lord. We do not HAVE a new Hero to defeat him." Shouted Snape.
"Could this day go any worse?" Muttered Dumbledore.
"Uhm..." Tonks started to act like a five year old girl who was caught with a hand in a cookie jar. "There is another thing Headmaster."
Both men looked at her. "What is it, Tonks?" Snape seethed through his teeth.
"Well... Harryandhermionearerelatedtoyouknowwho." Tonks said in a single breath.
"One more time, slower."
"Harry and Hermione are related to You-Know-Who."
Snape blinked several times to process what was just said. "Headmaster, I do not longer want to teach the Defense Against Dark Arts. In fact," Snape summoned a parchment and a quil, "I am turning in my resignation." Snape started writing.
"Severus, that cannot be true. Potters aren't related to Slytherins. And young Miss Granger is a muggleborn, there is no chance of her being related to Voldemort."
"That's not entirely true Headmaster. You-Know-Who claimed that Lilly Potter was his daughter from a raped muggle woman that survived one of his earlier visits in the muggle world." Said Tonks.
"And Miss Granger?" Asked Dumbledore.
"Well... she's You-Know-Who's and Bellatrix's daughter. Apparently, my aunt took her on a raid and forgotten about her, from what my mother told me it's not impossible. Aunt Bellatrix was always a bit... unique."
"Albus, I just remembered that there is a convention of potion masters in... Alaska, yes Alaska. I always wanted to visit one of those conventions, as Dark Lord is no longer leading Death Eaters I do not think you need a spy in their ranks. I shall begin packing immediately." Snape stood and started to leave. "At least this day cannot become any worse." He muttered.
The moment he said that Molly Weasley entered the office through floo.
"Albus! It's Sirius!" She shrieked.
"Calm down Molly, what happened?"
"Sirius... Minister... Fudge has granted him a pardon!"
Snape looked at the red head female. "He WHAT?"
"Minister Fudge has granted Sirius a full pardon for all the crimes he committed. Sirius is a free man!"
Snape did the only thing he could do in a such situation - he ran away screaming like a girl.
Dumbledore looked at the escaping Professor. "I wonder what happened to him."
"Potion convention Headmaster, Professor Snape is very eager to get there." 'And away from free Sirius Black, Dark Lady Hermione Granger and Dark Lord Harry Potter.' Finished Tonks in her mind.