Disclaimer: Star Wars, Warhammer and My Little Pony belong to their respective owners. I do not seek to make any profit from the exploitative oppressive works of these capitalist dogs. Row Row Fight Tha Powa!
Chapter 1: Anguish of the Soul on a Bed of Roses.
I tried so hard and got so far But in the end it doesn't even matter I had to fall to lose it all But in the end it doesn't even matter
- In the End, Linkin Park
It was a dark and stormy night in space. Within the Super Star Destroyer, The Light of Ichigo, the sound of lightning and thunder can be heard from beyond the walls as lightning clouds and thunderstorms fall in the blackness of space, distorting the bright shining stars and their glittering evanescence beauty.
As he stood in front of the viewscreen on the Super Star Destroyer's deck, Master Chief Seargent Commander Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker inhaled deeply on his cigar and stared out into the rainy and storm clouds out in space. He was a muscular man, but not too muscular. He wore dark, golden leather pants. The pants were very tight and hugged his muscular legs, without making them too obvious.
His black vest was completely black, but it also had several pocket thingies, like the ones on Sandman's camo, from Modern Warfare 3. He wore awesome fatigues underneath his black leather vest, because he was a U.S. Navy Seal as well as an agent of British SAS, and Brazilian BOPE. He also had nightvision Googles, as well as a stylish mascara and make up to make him goth badass. Because badasses wear mascara.
His Jedi cloak was also made from leather, and its hood was shaped like an Assassin's hood from Assassin's creed, because Shepard is a descendant of Desmond Miles, Altair and Ezio from different women. His gloves were leather, his belt was leather, and every part of his body was covered in red and black leather. At the back of the coat were small images of flames as well as a Dragon motif, and on his shirt was the image of a howling wolf riding Super Saitan Goku. His leather vest featured a snarling wolf's face, while his pants featured flying grey eagles. His leather boots were similar to those worn by Kim Kardashian's boyfriend last 2011 during the Mtv Music awards, while his wrist watch was the holographic projector of a hot holographic waifu interface, like Cortana, only better. Her name is Hobag and she is from New Jersey.
Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker also wore several nose rings, ear rings, lip rings and tongue rings. On his left cheek was the word, Kawaii, which meant warrior, while the tattoo on his jaw was a Tolerance Swastika, which is a Swastika with little flowers, It was a symbol of love and tolerance, according to his tattoo artist. Underneath his clothes, there were more tattoos. They consist of tolerance Swastikas, American Eagles, Star of Davids, Allah's name in script, the Illuminati Pyramid, naked underage anime girls, and pedo bear. These tattoos symbolize his life and the struggle that has made him the man that he is today.
He was full of tattoo symbols because he was Yakuza, because his mother was Japanese. His hair had several colors, including silver, red, gold and bronze. His face was chiseled like a god's but not an oppressive male god, but more like a god/goddess androgynous hybrid which affirms the importance of women in relation to men. His eyes were very large, and they were weapons. One eye was armed with the Byakugan, while the other was armed with the Sharingan. He got both eyes from his mother, who was both an Uchiha and Hyuuga princess back in the distant past.
MacTavish was also the only Jedi in his group to have killed off 52 Siith Warriors in single combat. At the tender age of 19, he had managed to kill a thousand Siiths. He could also create force lightning, that he concentrates on his hand like Chidorii. He was a master of his dual light sabers, Naruto and Sasuke. Naruto was a white colored lightsaber that can concentrate the force into sphere like energy ball called the Rassengan, while Sasuke was a black colored lightsabre made out of dark matter, and equipped with an energy field for concentrating force lighting called Chidorii.
When Naruto's and Sasuke's long powerful energy blades are connected (no homo privilege), matter and dark matter are unleashed to create a powerful attack power called Kamehameha. Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker has used Kamehameha to destroy hundreds of Siith warriors on his own. This made Anakin jealous and cry to his waifu Padme, who used her you know what to make Jedi council very very very very smiley, and then banish Mactavish to the outer rims.
Despite this, Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker remains a great warrior. He was faster than Samuel L. Jackson, but also his equal in lightsaber fighting. He also had mastered the Force to the same level as Master Yoda. And like Master Obi Wan and Anakin, he was a master debater. He master debated all his opponents about his knowledge of the Force, making them jealous at his great abilities and knowledge, and very long persuasion.
Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker can also speak 500 different languages, including the most important of all ancient languages, Anime and Esperanto. He was also very rich and had his own Super Star Destroyer, his own personal clone army, his own Wookie who also happens to be called Chewie and several lovers. He could conquer the entire galaxy on his own, but instead he seeks to sacrifice his happiness for the greater good.
His only flaw is that he is constantly tormented by the shadows of his past, a past that is so terrible that it still afflicts his sleep and makes him moody. The Jedi experienced this traumatic event while exploring his past in meditation. It was a long hard moment. It was when he left the Jedi council due to Forcism and because his half-brother Anakin was tormenting him.
You see, his greatest flaw is that Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker has space aids. Space Aids is a magical illness which makes the patient develop dark red eyes and creates a beautiful scar on his face. Space Aids is actually a magical demon that inhabits its host and gives them silver, white hair and great power. Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker's Space Aids was a giant milk colored fox, named Mormon, that speaks with a lisp.
However, Mormon wants to take over Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker body and use him to spread the evil religion of Latter Day Saints. The Latter Day Saints are evil and use hypnotic device called Hom Skulling which involves drilling a hole into children's skulls and pouring liquified Bibbel, a form of special drug, to make them privileged killers and servants of the Patriarchy. They are lead by the Siith Lord, Romney, who is evil and wants to rape black colored children.
However, because Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker is the real chosen one, he can control the effects of Space Aids, and so the Mormon apocalypse is stopped. Space Aids was discovered on the planet Cis, which is inhabited by the people called Atheist+, an enlightened and totally tolerant people, who are guided by the great prophet, Amazing Atheist. Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker visited Amazing Atheist for the cure, but alas there was no cure.
"I am sorry, Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker," Amazing Atheist had said, "but you are now a Mormon."
"I has space aids," Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker muttered to the darkness of his fragile soul. It was injected into me by Galactic Republic because they are Forcists. It is a conspiracy. "I has aids because of discrimination," he would often tell his many lovers, men, women, wookies, ewoks and droids, during brief interludes in the middle of orgy/happy white powder parties.
"I has Aaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiddddddddssssss!111" Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker screamed to the dark and rainy space.
The clones all looked at him and they wept manly tears for Space Aids is symbol of racism, and white privilege.
His lover Dr. Robotnik, his droid lover Makarov, and his third lover, Max Payne were all close by.
"Dopryy Utro, Tovarich. Мое тело готово и поэтому мой пенис," Makarov said, pointing out that there was pingas to be had.
"Nyet, Mak. Not today. I am very sad at galaxy for oppression and discrimination."
"I need more painkillers for being part of this shit hole," muttered Max Payne.
"Pingas!" Dr. Robotnik agreed.
Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker wiped away his tears and began cutting himself. It was an old Jedi technique to calm the mind and focus the Force. Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker cuts himself. He does this bleed for the sins of the Republic and to save them from themselves and the darkness around them. Without him, the Republic is doomed to die, for Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker is the true chosen one. They thought it was Anakin, but Anakin is actually the champion of the dark side and of the terrible Palpatine. He knew this because he was special and the Force gave him visions.
But when he informed Master Yoda of his knowledge, he answered, "Go away Asshole!"
Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker wept at their Forcism and discrimination. The Republic is an evil society that is biased against droids, aliens and siith. For example, the republic portrays and stereotypes the Hutts as fat and as criminal. Such portrayal are the result of stereotypes and false consciousness. He learned this from his mentor Shlomo Goldenstein, the great Jewdi.
The Jewdi's were an ancient sect of Jedi's, but were wiped out during the great Jewdi Holocaust of '42. Only 6 million Jewdi are left in the galaxy, hiding in the paradise world of Learsi. Learsi was a beautiful planet but it was constantly under siege by Durka Durkas, an evil race of dessert people that rape babies and worship an evil pig god named Porkins. Learsi was surrounded by millions of Hostile Durka Durka planets, all of which are trying to build secret Death Stars to Holocaust the remaining 6 billion Jewdi, which is why the Jewdi's must use their own Death Stars to kill off the Durka Durkas before they build their own Death Stars to Destroy Learsi's Death Stars. This is particularly true in regards to the evil planet called Nari, which is inhabited by a very evil race of Durka Durka's.
Thankfully, the Galactic Republic intervened by sending a fleet to exterminate Nari and all Narians, and thus ensure Peace, Tolerance, Universal Species Rights and Democracy throughout the Galaxy. Their next target was the planet, Airys, which ruled by the evil Durka Durka tyrant, Ashar El Sad Ass.
Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker continued cutting himself when suddenly, out of nowhere, a lightning storm appears. A dragon creature appears from lightning storm in space. "Behold it is me, Discord. I come from Equestria in the year 40,000 to bring you to Equestria to save my ponies from Nazi Imperial domination."
"I don't care. No one cares about me, so why should I care about THEM?!" MacTavish screamed. His mascara fell upon his cheeks, as he recalled how his half brother Anakin slapped him when he told him that Padme was a woman and that he was heteronormative cisgendered. However, Anakin said that he was homosex, like Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker, so he can't be heteronormative, but Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker told him to check his homosexual privilege.
"The Imperium is an evil Nazi White Heteronormative Fascist Police State that slaughters aliens and is intolerant of sexual orientations, race, class, religion and gender. Although it is a well known fact that race, class, religion and sexual orientations are social constructs, the Imperium still believes in them, much like they believe in their evil evil evil evil evil super evil god Emperor that they made up. They exterminate countless aliens without tolerance or equality. They are even worse than Galactic Republic which is full of human priviliege and Forcism." Discord said.
Then suddenly, an image of a purple alicorn appeared from one of Discord's horns. "Help me, Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker. You are my only hope."
Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker felt his man parts and nipples become erect. Since his banishment by the Jedi council, he suddenly felt like a White Knight again. Yes, he will go out and save Equestria from Nazi's and thus ensure love and tolerance for everybody. "I will White Knight your ponies, Discord! Lead the way!"
With that Shepard Price MacTavish Skywalker used his Force powers to open a tear in reality and invade Warhammer 40000.