9Author's Note: And here's chapter five! The first few paragraphs are basically re-cap of the canonical events (honestly…sorry there is so much of that in this fic), after that it's my take on things, since I feel that Tsunade's feelings regarding Jiraiya's death were not adequately explained or investigated in the manga/anime.
Chapter Five
When the toad arrived, a wave of worries washed over Tsunade, threatening to drown her. Tension filled her office as she, along with Naruto and Kakashi, waited for a pronouncement from Mount Myoboku's emissary.
"Lady Tsunade," he rumbled. "Naruto. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, however… however, I have something very troubling to tell you."
"Go ahead, Lord Fukasaku," Tsunade nodded.
"Jiraiya-boy has died in battle," said the toad. "His throat was crushed and his arm destroyed in the battle with Pein."
In the immediate aftermath of this somber announcement, only silence pervaded. Then, slowly, Naruto spoke.
"Did you send him?" he asked, turning towards the Hokage.
"I did," replied Tsunade, retaining her composure.
"Why?" cried Naruto. "Why did you let him go? You of all people should know how he is! How could you send him into battle alone?"
"Stop, Naruto!" said Kakashi firmly. "Tsunade knew Jiraiya before you were even born. You must realize that she feels the same anguish you do."
Naruto grumbled and sent Tsunade an enraged glance before abruptly leaving the Hokage's office. Kakashi shot an apologetic look at Tsunade before exiting after his student, the door banging shut behind them.
"I will arrange for you to speak with Naruto…at some later date," said Tsunade to Fukasaku.
"Fine," said the toad lord. "I understand how he must feel right now. That boy really loved Jiraiya, I can tell."
"Naruto? Yes, he did." Silence fell over the room again as both of them tried to reconcile this information.
"And for you too," started the toad again. "I can imagine…it must be a lot."
"Yes," said Tsunade, much quieter this time. "Yes, it is."
"I will take my leave now, Lady Hokage," said Fukasaku. He wove a hand sign and disappeared, returning to his home on the sacred Mount Myoboku in seconds.
Jiraiya. Jiraiya the pervert, Jiraiya the idiot, Jiraiya the brave, Jiraiya the gallant. Jiraiya her teammate, Jiraiya her friend, Jiraiya who was there for her when no one else was.
Jiraiya.
"Damnit, you idiot." she whispered, eyes watering. There was no one left to comfort her now. Sighing, she reached for the cabinet that she kept her sake in. As she poured herself a drink, tears streaked down her cheeks.
Why did you let him go?
Some time later, after a few cups of sake and many more tears, Tsunade was taken by the notion to write a letter. Almost unthinkingly, she unfurled a scroll and filled a tray with ink, dipping her brush deep into the dark liquid. The first few attempts ended up in the rubbish bin at the side of her desk, but the next time Tsunade dipped her brush, the words came out right, spilling onto the page.
Dear Jiraiya,
I guess I may be a little late writing this letter…