Things have been a lot better since Jordan left. I can now say his name without feeling upset or anxious about it. Actually when I do say his name or think about him, I don't feel upset or anxious, or angry; I don't feel anything at all. I feel nothing toward him, like you feel nothing toward a complete stranger. I remember everything that happened, and how it affected me and everybody else but for a few weeks now I have started to feel like I didn't know Jordan at all. I started to wonder if any of it was true but I couldn't ask Dean or anybody else because I didn't want them to get upset. Then I thought, it must have happened otherwise I wouldn't be hesitant about bringing it up. Maybe I've been feeling this way because since he left, nobody has brought up Jordan's name at all. Not even by accident or when talking about past memories of good times we have had together. Whenever we do talk about the past, I have noticed that any memories that have Jordan in are distorted in that he is no longer in them. Like he no longer exists.
And then I realised, he didn't exist anymore. For Dean and Michelle and Vince, and Lachie, Chase and Lara Jordan was a name they had never heard of before, except if it was a patient's name. Jordan, the person who had worked with rescue for seven years after being rescued by Dean; the person who Chase called his best guy friend; the person who you could go to if you missed last night's football game and you wanted to know who won; the person who had been a part of this team and who had been a friend to everybody at rescue. He was no longer a part of anybody's memories; they blocked everything about him out of their lives and moved on. But for me, it's not that easy. I can't just pretend it never happened because I know it did and I know that it is my fault that Jordan had to leave and that the team lost one of their friends. I have asked Dean before if people blame me for what happened, and whether they think it is my fault that Jordan had to leave. He looked shocked and immediately reassured me that nobody blamed me, nobody thought it was my fault that Jordan had to leave. He said that everybody knows Jordan brought it on himself and that it is his fault. He also told me that I had to stop blaming myself because it would only be unhealthy for me to keep doing so.
Anyway, I have managed to push it to the back of my mind. I know it happened but it isn't something that affects my everyday life anymore. I have been living with Dean since it all went down and it has been going very well. Everybody has started again, a new life and a new beginning and I don't want that to change.
Since Heidi asked me whether people blame her for what happened to Jordan, I can't stop thinking about whether she listened to me or not. It wasn't her fault, none of it was. I know that she knows that everybody has completely erased Jordan out of their lives. Two months after Heidi's overdose, when she came back to work, Lachie told me that the whole team had agreed that from now on Jordan would be a stranger to them all. Nobody was going to bring his name up or mention him at all and that as far as they were concerned if anybody asked, they had never heard of him. I knew that part of it was about protecting Heidi but also protecting themselves. Everybody wanted to forget about what had happened because they didn't want to admit that they felt guilty. They felt guilty that they didn't know what had happened between Jordan and Heidi, because if they did they might have been able to stop the whole situation from escalating. But they couldn't have stopped it. Nothing could have stopped it because the wheels were already set in motion.
Since she came back, everybody has been watching over Heidi like they are her protectors. She doesn't go anywhere alone, not that she actually goes out at night anymore. She has become more like her old self over the past few months, but at the same time she has become so different. She no longer comes out with us for a drink after work, she isn't comfortable going out shopping on her own and she certainly isn't comfortable about treating male patients without one of us with her at all times. In fact she avoids all men like they are a deadly illness.
The first time we went out after Heidi had come back, she did come with us. We went to the bar we always went to and things were fine up till a point. She and Lara had gone to the bathroom and when they came out Lara had spotted an old friend of hers so they went over to say hello. Heidi just turned her back for a minute to see where we had moved to and when she looked back Lara and her friend had disappeared. Heidi had immediately started to panic and it only got worse when a guy at the bar got up and went towards her, especially when he introduced himself as Jordan. They were in a part of the bar with hardly any lighting and so Heidi couldn't see the guy's face properly and only had his voice to identify him from. To her it sounded a lot like Jordan's (Jordan Zwitowski) and if Chase hadn't have gone looking for both her and Lara at the same time I think Heidi would have come away more emotionally scarred than she was.
The guy was seriously hammered at the time and had forcefully tried to grab her to take her outside. He was speaking at the same time but Heidi couldn't understand what he was saying. Because of her already panicked state over thinking this guy was the real Jordan she forgot all about how to defend herself and backed into a corner trying to get away from him. Chase came around the corner, saw what was happening and decked the guy who was surprised by his sudden appearance. He got Heidi away from him and outside where she collapsed on to him. He sat her on the ground and called me. I came running outside with Lachie and Vince. Heidi couldn't do anything but just sit there and grab hold of me while I tried to ascertain what had happened.
She couldn't tell me much. All she could say was that Lara had left her before she started to cry. Chase had helped me get her to my car and I had taken her home while Chase stayed with Lachie and Vince at the bar as they tried to find witnesses to what had happened. They didn't have to look far. A guy approached them who asked Chase if the woman he had helped was okay. He said he saw the guy approach her but thought that he knew her because the blonde woman she was with had pointed her out to him. At the same time Lara reappeared and the man was quick to say that she was the blonde woman. Lara explained where she had been and had pointed Heidi out to her friend along with her friend's boyfriend and his best friend. While Vince tried not to have a coronary as he realised that Lara had caused the whole event, Chase quickly explained to Lara what had happened and what part she had played in it. Lara couldn't believe it, and had called me to apologize to Heidi, but I told her that she had fallen asleep and that it was best if she left Heidi alone for a couple of days. At this Lara was upset but she understood.
After that night it had taken Heidi a while to be able to be alone with Lara again but she had gradually regained trust in her. But even though she trusted Lara again, she had never been out with us since. She went out during the day when it was light but as soon as it went dark she got nervous. She had managed to stay out past dark when I was with her but only for short periods of time. She was getting better though, and every time it was a little longer. Soon Heidi had reached the point where she could be out in the dark till all hours, as long as I was with her and we weren't anywhere where we were likely to be accosted by drunken men. I am proud of her. She has overcome so much in the past year, and I don't know how she keeps going.