I wonder, do you ever think about life after death?
Because I do, all the time.
I scour books upon books for the answer, ask questions to everyone I meet, but the answers I gather are not satisfactory. Nothing is definite. If I had the chance I would have asked a dead man myself, but of course, that is impossible.
You would laugh at me if I told you all of this. You'd tell me that I am too curious for my own good. But it isn't really curiosity that drives me to ask this question. It is fear.
It is in the human nature to be afraid of what he cannot understand; like the pitch black darkness of the night or like the monstrous giants we fight and kill. Once the mind understands, everything will follow: fear is only a door you have to open to realize that there are no real monsters lurking in the dark and that titans are just humans like us, hiding in the hide of a giant.
But death is different from those. I do not know what lies beyond it – that is why I am scared of it.
I am scared of dying, Levi. I am so terrified.
It is primal, this fear I have. It is so raw and overwhelming that it makes my knees wobble and my hands shake and my stomach churn in the most disturbing way. Lost were the days when I was ready to throw my life away for a single kill – for the thrill. Anger had become the wall to keep fear at bay, but as we know, not all barriers last for long. Then, Hope became the driving force in me – became the form of courage to drive me to battle while donning the cloak that bore the wings of freedom.
But even Hope cannot defeat my fear of death.
I know that it will hurt. If I die in the jaws of a titan, it will be quick. If I die by the acid of it's stomach, it will be excruciatingly slow. But if I die by your side, I wouldn't be able to take it. I am a soldier and to die for humanity's sake is an honor, but in your presence I would abandon all. I will become desperate enough to cling to the remaining strings that is holding me to mortality to be with you – and it will hurt so much more, because I know I can't hold on forever.
Then, it'll be over. I will never see you again. I will never be able to exchange those shitty jokes with you, ever again. I will never be able to greet you in the morning, or tease you about your cleaning habits, or disturb you in the dead of night just to talk to you. Or will I?
Sometimes I like to think that there are many other worlds. When one life ends, it is reborn into another universe, and in each and every one of these verses, you and I exist, both different and the same. Perhaps in one there are no titans to kill. Perhaps in another you and I are not soldiers. Maybe in a distant world you end up marrying Petra, and I end up loving Mike instead. Wouldn't that be amazing? To have all possibilities happen at the same time... Oh, how I wish I could pick the most desirable one.
"You're thinking of something morbid again."
I never notice anything else when I am in deep thought. If a titan appeared beside me instead, I would have been eaten alive so fast. "Did I wake you up? Was I thinking aloud?"
"No. Thank fuck for that though, because I don't want to hear another dark ass theory about titans while I sleep."
I chuckle at your statement, while you shift away, turning your back at me to continue your interrupted slumber. I turn to face you, bringing my hand up to trace your name with my finger, my touch light and slow against your back.
"I was thinking about Eren's titan-shifting ability."
"If your thoughts even skirt around the idea of dissecting that poor kid, I don't want to know."
"Ah – I would never!"
You snorted before pulling the blankets to your shoulders.
"Stop thinking already and sleep."
"I can't stop. Petra makes some really potent coffee, you know?" I move closer to you, and place a kiss at the back of your head. Your hair smells nice as ever. Sometimes I wonder if God made a mistake of making you male – because honestly, you'll be a better girl compared to me. "I can't help but think that she'll be a great wife someday."
"Why don't you go ahead and marry her then?"
"Oh, I would want to. But I'm already deeply in love with you, so maybe I'll do that in another world."
You mutter something along the lines of 'goddammit' and I laugh again – I know you don't like it when I tease you with that line. After all, you and I are not vocal. We are used to being friends for so long that showing romantic affection like that has become unneeded; awkward even.
"Good night, Levi." Rising from the bed, I dip my head to kiss you on the cheek.
"Good night." You mutter back, with eyes closed. "Don't forget to sleep."
"I won't." I smile and lie to you again. Standing up, I walk cautiously to the door, careful to not make any noise.
I feel a little guilty inside for not telling you everything, but it doesn't matter.
You don't need to know.
A/N: Well that was unnecessarily dark, wasn't it?
Hehe, I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Zoe just seems like that kind of person who thinks about a lot of things. Like, deep stuff. And I'm sorry if this isn't fluffy and romantic ;w; Levi and Zoe to me just doesn't look like the couple that would be all too snugly and affectionate. They're bros before anything else after all. But hey! I'll get to that fluffy part next time. Probably.
Also requests are open! Go ahead and tell me all those AUs in your head and I might write a chapter or two about it, if I get the inspiration. Also I promise no speedy uploads ok. I am a busy person. OTL
Thank you for reading!