Finally, the next chapter is here! This one's hilarious, but Gollum is a lot weirder and Gollumy in it, so be warned.
Travel Brochure: The Elbe Sandstone Mountains (known as Elbsandsteingebirge in native German), is a mountanious area in Germany and the Czech Republic that the Elbe River cuts through. It's best known for its huge scenic sandstone pillars, which tower into the sky, and is a popular destination for hiking and climbing.
Gollum had been crawling around Germany for a while when he came across the Elbsandsteingebirge. He was immediately impressed by the scenic views. They reminded him of his former home, Middle Earth. Granted, he'd spent most of the Third Age hiding in a creepy dark cave, but still.
The hobbit lived there for a few weeks, trying to avoid the main paths and sightseeing locales as much as possible. He would hide in the valleys below the huge sandstone pillars and mountains, eating rabbits and other small wildlife. Every now and then he would sneak up to the main tourist hiking trail, and spy on the people from whatever vantage point he happened to be hiding in.
All sorts of different people passed by. Most of them were German, but there were many many tourists as well, mainly Americans and other Europeans. There were little kids crying and whining while holding their mother's hands, and people leaning more towards old age who could struggle up the steep paths.
It was one of these occasions, about two weeks after Gollum had arrived in the mountains, that an event occurred. Just like his spotting of the Eiffel Tower, this was a simple enough thing that led to huge amounts of insanity.
Sméagol was hidden in a thorn bush on a little rise over the path. He'd just seen a blonde family of five go by, and the next two people to ascend the scenic route were a twenty-something couple. They were conversing in German, none of which Gollum could understand. Smiling, the guy leaned over and kissed the girl on the lips, before they continued their hike.
That one little display of affection mystified Gollum. Why had they pressed their lips together? Then he remembered something from back in the days before the ring had entered his life. All the hobbits who were lucky enough to win over a fine lady hobbit always kissed her, sometimes quite frequently. Sméagol had never kissed or been kissed. Even before the ring corrupted him, he was always weird and unpopular, and none of the hobbit girls had liked him.
It was time for that to change. Gollum needed his first kiss. As far as he knew, he was the only hobbit left on Earth, but humans were close enough for him. Dashing through the woods, he neared a path less frequently used. Coming up the path was a lady jogger, listening to whatever music was playing on her earbuds, her breasts bouncing up and down with each step, and her forehead glistening with sweat.
Gollum stepped out onto the path. "We likes precious, we dos. Gives us kisses, yes, yes! Gollum Gollum."
The jogger took one look at him and ran back the down the path screaming. Gollum wailed and banged his fists on the rocky ground. The girls in this age didn't like him either! Unfair!
After a temper tantrum that lasted a few minutes, he calmed down a little bit. It was clear no one would agree to kiss him. Yes, he had to be sneaky about it. A kissing ambush, one could say.
Later in the day, Gollum was perched on a tree branch that overgrew the path, hoping for some at least decent-looking woman to pass underneath him. People generally didn't walk under that branch, he was disappointed to find out. However, he was in luck when a teenage girl happened to veer a little to the left, almost directly underneath him. Sméagol gripped the branch tightly and swung himself upside-down, lips puckered. Unfortunately, his aim was off and he ended up poking her in the eye with his nose.
"Verfickter Scheiß Penner!" swore the girl in German, before noticing Gollum. She screamed, punched him in the face, kicked him in the chest, screamed again, and took off. The former hobbit crawled back into the bushes to lick his wounds. It occurred to him that maybe his approach was all wrong. Yes, he needed to become a gentleman. Gollum being Gollum, he quickly thought up a plan.
The first part of that plan went into action when a well-dressed guy, who must have been a businessman, walked past. Sméagol dragged him into the foliage, beat him up, knocked him out, and stole his clothes.
A few minutes later, Gollum was sloppily dressed in a shirt and pants about ten sizes too big for him. He thought he looked perfect. He obviously didn't.
The next step was even crazier. He stumbled across some fox footprints and tracked them until he caught up with the animal. Then Gollum ripped out a huge chunk of its red fur, and placed it on his head as the fox yelped and bolted. The idea was to make it look like he had more than a few strands of hair. It didn't really work, especially since half of it fell off right away. Sméagol didn't mind.
The final preparation part of the plan was simple. Gollum found a skunk, and pestered it until it sprayed him. Skunk smell had such a nicer aroma than any other perfume, at least to Gollum. The rest of the world likely saw it a bit differently.
Now prepared at last, he set out to find another girl. A middle-aged woman in a blue skirt and gray top was walking up the trail. Perfect. Gollum had eyes for only her as he jumped out in front of the woman. Sadly, looking at her and only her meant he hadn't seen her dog. The pudgy little bulldog growled at the hobbit menacingly. "Uh, hellos? Gollum Gollum."
The pet growled again and gave chase, ripping his leash from his owner's hand. Gollum was a lot slower, and the pup caught up to him right as he left the path. The bulldog then proceeded to maul Gollum. What can I say? The little psycho deserved it.
After the lady had pried her dog away, a thoroughly bruised and beaten Gollum crawled back into the forest, where he collapsed next to a small pond. On a lily pad near him sat a frog. "Ribbit. Ribbit ribbit. Ribbit." Gollum cracked open one eye and peered at it. It was time for his first kiss. He didn't know if the frog was male or female. At this point he didn't care. Sméagol gave the poor unsuspecting amphibian a big smooch, and then ate it. Delicious.
Thanks for reading and please review. The next chapter will take place in, of all places, Antartica!