Jokes Of The British Isles

(I will change the title if I can think of a better one!)

AN: This is just a quick thing to get my muse going again, I haven't written in so long...

So anyway, these jokes are all from Sickipedia, a British website, so the jokes will mainly be from a British point of view, and can be offensive to people (but I'll try not to post anything too offensive- if you think it is, skip past it, or tell me and i'll see what i can do, but you have been warned...).

And I'll give a big thank you to coin1996, while I'm at it, for encouraging me to write about these jokes as well!

Disclamer: Don't own Hetalia. Point.



It had been another dismal world meeting. Nothing had actually gone right, more wrong than usual (if that's possible). That's why we find a certain nation in a bar, head in his hands, groaning about the use of the meetings if all they would do is fight. He had then simply snuck out, and used the quietness of the bar to gather all the thoughts (and just get out of the meeting).

Sighing a little, the English nation took a sip of his tea.


Usually he did do quite a lot of the fighting (no names mentioned- yeah, that's right France, I'm looking at you!), but today England wasn't really up to it. He didn't have to fight all the time, you know! It was just... well, everybody just expected him to fight all the time (and sometimes he did), but it got really tiresome... and he needed a break.
Well, it would be a break if the bar door hadn't just swung open and let 4 other nations into the place. England tried his best to melt into the chair, but to no use.

"Hey England!" Wales, England's twin brother called, as the 4 made ther way over to the table where England was, "'ow are you, then?"

"Just brilliant, now that you're here." England replied sarcastically, as the others all sat down.

"What's up with you then?" Northern Ireland (his only, [but older] sister) asked, as she took a swig of England's tea, only to grimace and stick out her tounge, as there wasn't enough sugar in it for her.

"Nothi- why are you all looking at me like that?" England replied, watching his siblings in turn. Of course they could tell something was up- and it was probably the meeting, considering Ireland should have been there as well, and he had snuck out as well. Still, they all silently decided that England needed cheering up.
Scotland hummed a little as he acsessed a website on his phone, quite popular with British people these days (although maybe not for the right reasons).

"What are you doing?" England asked warily.

"Jus' gettin' a few jokes up..." Scotland replied, and the rest of the group waited patiently until he was ready.

"Okay, this is a long 'un, but oh well, you ready?" Scotland asked the other nations, receiving three "yes"'s and a shrug- the latter courtesy of England.


Unknown to the British Isles, a number of other nations had snuck into the bar looking for England, and had heard everything from "getting a few jokes up" continuing. And due to America being in the group, and France's advice (having known the whole Isles the longest, therefore the best) the whole lot were forced to stay hid behind the bar, just listening in (or eavesdropping, as some would call it).

8 nations, crouched behind the bar, listening in. America, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Belgium, Japan and Romano. To the right person, it would have actually looked quite comical.

"So, this one was posted around the time from the terrorist threats, I believe," the tallest redhead, or Scotland started, with a little smirk:
"The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666."

At least 4 of the nations in the room could crack a smile. 8 were looking at each other confused, and England had a little glint in his eye, which could develop into a smile given the right prodding. Here Northern Ireland, gestured to be given the phone and continued reading,

"The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability."

Now France was glaring through the bar counter, perhaps wishing it would fly off and hit the occupants of the table opposite. As it happened, he still valued his life and was quite glad it didn't anyway. The other nations behind the bar were unsure of what to think about this apparent British humour. Okay, some didn't even know England had a sense of humour (Romano and Spain mainly). The nations at the table were all cracking up (and England's mouth was twitching upwards), as a Welsh voice took over the reading,

"It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides.""

Italy was understandably confused, and Romano had taken to glaring as well. Then Ireland took over, at which point things got a little awkward,

"The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose"."

Things went deadly quiet.

"Only you could say that Ireland" England groaned, but with a smile upon his lips. Ireland had a cheshire-cat smirk on his face. Scotland rolled his eyes (but couldn't quite forgive Germany for the Blitz just yet. Not yet, since he had hurt his brother. Badly.).
Germany was avoiding everyone's gaze, finding much interest in the floor instead.

"Let's see, Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels," Wales continued reading from over Ireland's shoulder "and the Sp- oh, England you should read this part out!"

"What?" England said, as he skimmed over, what Wales haad 'suggested' that he read "oohh, no no no, I'm not reading that out." he had to stop himself from bursting out laughing from what he had just read.

"Awww, please!" North begged "I never heard it before!" and she used the puppy eyes, the one which England could never resist.

"Fine," he reluctantly agreed "The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These b-beautifully designed subs have glass b-bottoms so the n-new Spanish navy can get a r-really good look at the old s-Spanish navy... hahaha~"

It became harder and harder to keep calm as England continued reading, and then dissolved into laughing at the end (it really reminded him of his pirate days- and sinking a lot of Spanish ships). Spain was also reminded of their piratical days... although in a less favourable light. He was silently sobbing, while the others were now wondering why the entire table of the British Isles nations were laughing their asses off. Belgium just shrugged, not really getting the joke.
With tears of laughter, Northern Ireland finished off the whole joke,

"Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case."

"Eh?!" America whispered, but none to quietly as the bartender who had listened in on everything, peered down on them in confusion and slight anger, as he would not have anybody eavesdrop on his best customers (even if they did sometimes destroy his bar, and it took a lot of money to repair).

Scotland had also noticed the eavesdroppers (although maybe earlier on than he'd admit), and ushered his younger brothers, and sister, out of the bar.

"C'mon we might as well go home, eh? Meetin's over anyway, right?" he offered. Ireland nodded a yes in reply.

"Well, at least yer smilin' aye?" Soctland chuckled as he ruffled England's hair. England gave a smile in return.

"Cheers." he said, and with a fleeting glare at the counter, behind which the other 8 nations were hidden, England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Ireland left the bar.

Leaving the other 8 to ponder their thoughts as they were also removed from the building (with threats of calling the police following).

America managed to sum it up in one good sentence:

"British humour suuure is weird."

AN: These will be a series of one-shots (generally unrelated), and will be updated as I think of more senarios and find more jokes (and try to get writing again). Since it is a British website, these one-shots will mainly include England (and my OC's of the rest of the British Isles), but I'll try to vary it.