7Hey, you.
I'm sorry.
I wrote this for you. This is something I've been thinking about it for years, but I wasn't sure when you would be old enough to handle all of this information. Some of it will be completely new, other bits we've probably already mentioned before- but I've never told you the whole thing, or in this way. I want you to know that my motivation for writing is singly to have a positive effect on your life. I don't care if anyone else reads this, but it's you I'm doing writing for.
First; I think it's important to establish why I wrote this for you. I wanted to write something so that you could understand why I wasn't around for probably the one of the most important moments of my life, of your life, and how much I regret that.
This I made for your 16th birthday, so happy birthday! And it's created out of a compilation of a number of things: some I used are from memory, others are probably more accurate as I wrote a kind of journal thing for some parts of this journey, so their taken right out of that, and finally some bits of it are from medical cards and pill receipts and stuff I stuck on for you to see. Also, your uncle R helped me with some illustrations.
So I hope you get something out of it, hopefully you'll gain an understanding of how much regret I feel, and you'll be interested in my version of the story. I'll start off by telling you the story leading up to this point. Here we go.
Twenty one years ago I decided that I wanted to be a doctor. I've always been a hypochondriac. I remember coming to the conclusion I had leprosy whenever I was eight- don't judge- the skin on my hands was so dry due to my soap allergy and I'd only recently learnt that people could still get it now. There have been too many times I've thought I had cancer, or was going to have a heart attack, it's quite embarrassing. Throughout my life that part of me had always been there.
Not only would I think about these things: I'd really worry about them; stay up late at night trying to weigh up whether I should see someone about whatever I thought I had, or if I really had it. I'd spend hours about diseases and death and dying. Often I'd look up illnesses in a medical text book my Mum had from being a nurse, and online whenever we got a computer.
Because I was so worried about having something, I'd get have panic attacks because of it. Let me tell you now: panic attacks suck. So many people use them as an exaggerated metaphor for being scared, but actually, they're really horrible. I remember that I got taken to hospital the first time I experience one, because my parents thought it was something serious. After some persuasion, I'd eventually I told my Mum and she'd tell me I was being stupid and she'd check it out for me. But that didn't stop. Each time I got a pain in my chest- I'd think heard attack. Every time my stomach was sore I'd think appendicitis- or it bursting on me or something. And each time I'd sit and worry about it until I got into such a state that one of my parents had to sort me out and I'd tell them and they'd comfort me and then it would be okay.
So when I had to decide what course to pick to study at university, there was no doubt in my mind that I would pick medicine. It may seem strange and as if I was unaware that my hypochondria could exacerbate if I learnt about each and every disease known to the modern doctor. I'm not a complete idiot- but that idea didn't concern me. My life was so consumed with thinking about disease and I was so absorbed by it that I didn't want to pick anything else. I was so interested in it and the idea of being able to treat people. Because I wanted to be able to comfort people like my parents comforted me and to see them get better.
Yes, I was aware of the risk of becoming a hypochondriac doctor, but it was one I felt so passionately about taking.
You know, I got in to uni. It was such a good feeling getting to do something you really cared about, and my family were happy. The whole concept of university was new and exciting, and I was especially excited, as nerdy as it sounds, to learn how to be a doctor.
The first two years were pretty amazing, not that I didn't have complications but I'll get onto that. I made so many friends. At university you meet so many people in one week alone so it's hard to get to know everyone, but I remember that the people I stayed with were really good fun. Annoyingly though I've lost contact with all of them now, except obviously Bossuet, who was my room-mate. I'd love to see them again, but it was good having even that amount of time I did with them.
Bossuet and I were room-mates for three years, during the whole time he did his three-year degree in law and I just about made it through completing the first three years of mine. Of course we got on amazingly. I think even at the time I knew I'd never got on with a guy better. He was hilarious, and would find the funny side of anything. And he didn't like to take things seriously, which I admired. This light-hearted attitude became often the same for me whenever I was around him, or sometimes whenever I took things overly seriously he'd calm me down with a joke or facial expression. I made great friends with him the first year, so we shared again and again and it was really brilliant.
Though I spend a lot of time studying but I went out as much as I could too, with a number of different college friends and Bo especially. We'd go out doing the normal stuff: drinking, trying to get with a girl, movies, seeing bands we liked, all that. It was great; I loved going out and enjoyed meeting all the new personalities and faces.
The reason I had to discontinue my degree after three years was that my hypochondria was getting uncontrollably worse, and I couldn't have healthily gone on. It was fine for the first while, but I started to get panic attacks again. I'd be in the middle of a lecture and I'd feel my heart starting to quicken, my skin hived up and I would feel numb in my face and hands. The numbness scared me further, I wanted to run but my feet were cramped up, it was sore and uncomfortable, my whole body felt like it was swelling up, I was too warm, but my hands felt cold from the numbness and my head dizzy from the lack of breath. Everything was happening simultaneously- I wanted to run but I couldn't, it felt like my insides were about to become my outsides from an explosion writhing through my body screaming out for enough control to take place.
Sometimes whenever this happened Bossuet was there, and he'd stop me from thinking about medicine, he'd stop me worrying and I felt better. But it happened so frequently during my 3rd year, I found the exam really difficult because I had been too hyped up to study properly.
In the end I managed to pass my June exam, but I was aware that it was only a scrape through, and I doubted in my ability to make it through another year.
As it happened, Bo was planning on taking a year out. He wanted to visit different countries around the world and to experience a number of things, and I knew that I needed a break as well. Traveling around was something I enjoyed, and it was so good having someone to do it with for a whole year. I wanted to return to medicine one day.
We were pretty inseparable for the next year. The first thing we did and as soon as the summer began was to go on a short holiday to Spain, which was like another world away. The sun and the people were beautiful; I wanted to stay there for much longer. After that we realised we needed more money, so we decided we had to work for 3 months to make up the finances. We worked at this little bar near us most evenings and I got a job at a store, and Bo managed to get a temporary office job. We ended up staying for 5 months, because of Musichetta.
I went out with her first, and she was amazing. She's always had such a petite body, and a great sense of style. She worked at the bar that Bo and I did, a job she had to help pay her way through university, but when she'd finished her degree in English that lasted 3 years, she never had the opportunity to stop in the bar. She was starting to formulate a plan to get back into uni again before becoming a teacher, because the employment rate was low. But I loved her, her English skills were visible even when talking, and using words that neither Bo nor I understood, and she was great company especially whenever it was just Bo, her and I.
My memory still hasn't had the time I asked her out on a Friday at the beginning of our shift removed from it yet. I don't think I'll forget how nervous I was, or how relived whenever she said yes. We continued to go out, for ages, it was great, I started to love her.
I remember one day I had been at a lecture, Bo was lying on the top of his bed throwing a beanie up and down. I was sitting on the end of the bed, talking to him, watching him. Only recently I'd noticed there was something between us. Only recently I had brought it to the foreground of my mind that there was something about me wanting to sit beside him and lean on him and be near him and feel his body that was different...
He tossed the beanie up and down during our conversation. I caught it.
"Hey. Gimme that back!" He cried.
"Okay," I replied, and put it over his face, so I could only see him through the holes in the fabric. He tried to kick me but I moved my leg, placing my body on top of his. I could feel heat between us, and I didn't move.
"Ummh." He said.
"What sorry?" I chided.
"UMMHHHH!"
"Sorry, that was hard to get..." I joked. He put big his hands around my ones that were drying desperately to hold the hat down over his face, and they moved.
"Joly! You twat!" Was all that came out of his mouth before I laughed, feeling pretty proud of myself, still on top of him, still leaning over his face. "Such a looser." He ran his hand through my hair in an attempt to completely mess it up. I smiled.
I looked at him, wanting to avoid his eyes, but not being able to.
I could feel the heat, the deep emotional heat between us and between those moments I realised he could also. That was the moment that our lips collided in an unexpected moment, and my body felt a rush of excitement. I'd never kissed a guy before. I had thought about being with one however, and this was fulfilling those desires. I wrapped my hands around the back of his smooth head, then they independently under his T-shirt and over his upper-arm muscles.
It was awesome and I wanted more, but I pulled away, and looked away.
"Musichetta."
"Mmmm," was his reply. I left the room, feeling weird and awkward and confused. Did that mean he liked me? I didn't realise Bossuet was into guys, especially not ones like me. I didn't even know if I liked him. He's attractive. He's my best friend. I'm going out with Musichetta, and I want to be with her. What is happening? Ugh.
The next day we met up with some of our friends and every time I looked at him I remembered, so I tried to look away. It was hard to concentrate on conversation when that was all my mind wanted to think of, so I was mostly quiet. Though Bossuet and I ended up straying from the larger group a few times- lost in conversation. Avoiding the incident, last night of course, at all costs, but we enjoyed talking to each other so much.
Whenever we went home together I didn't really know what to do. I wanted to kiss him again. Did he want to kiss me? Did he like me? How do I feel about him? Musichetta.
But we did. We kissed eachother again on the sofa. I'm not proud. I just wanted to confirm this, to confirm what we felt. I don't even remember how, and it wasn't that long after we came home again, but it happened. We just got on the sofa together and started making out. It was so great. Even after we stopped, we cuddled and I couldn't help thinking about it. One problem: Musichetta.
Bossuet had the idea of telling her how I felt, but I didn't know what to do. I really really like her- but I also like Bossuet. How does that work?
With the guilt that was piling up in me for kissing someone outside of our relationship, I had to get it out. It was so difficult to articulate it in the correct manner in which I wanted it to come across. I mean, to a lot of people it seems so unusual and unheard of.
"Okay. I want to ask you a question and complete honesty is necessary."
"Okay." She smiled, but her eyes looked very serious.
"Tell me everything that comes to mind whenever I ask this question."
"Just go, Joly!" She piped up, becoming impatient.
"Okay! Exactly what do you think of Bossuet."
"Hmm. I've always really liked him and got on with him. He's funny, nice and actually really caring. And intelligent too."
"Great, but like what else? I mean, was there ever point, and it doesn't have to be now, where you thought he was...attractive."
She looked at me suspiciously, her eyeslids getting all close together so that her long eyelashes almost touched. "Do I detect a form of acusation, Mr.?"
"No! No. I just. Look. I...I..." FLIP! Words? Words where are you?
I could have a dictionary in front of me and still now know what to say.
The question; "You do?" seemed to pop out of her mouth with no second thought.
"What? I dunno. Maybe."
"I thought that you did. But I thought you liked me." I was shocked, but I needed to console her. I went right beside her, and lifted her small hand with mine, coming close to her face.
"I do. I like you a lot." I rubbed her hand with my thumb back and forth. Though her eyes glistened, her mouth curved at the corners. "I just...I dunno. It's weird. I... kind of like you both?"
"Okay. I understand the predicament now. And you were wondering if I liked Bossuet, like you do?" She questioned. I was so full of the need for an answer now, I felt like jumping up and down. But this could go one of two ways. And I didn't know what would be better.
"Yeah. But I don't really know what to do. I mean, I really want you to for some reason. But even if you do, I don't know where to go from there."
"Well Joly. It's an unusual situation, I must admit. I can only think of one solution." WHAT? I don't even know what she thinks of this whole thing! My mind wanted my body to scream out to receive an answer that I so strongly desired. "We could give it ago."
"What?" I busted out with.
"Us. Why don't we all try going out?"
We didn't initially think of having a polygamous relationship but with the events that took place it made so much sense. I didn't even really recognise it as a thing until I felt that I was something that I wanted in my heart. And we were so happy together.
So after we stayed on two months longer than originally planned, then we left on a tour of Europe. We started in Germany, in Hamburg, which is a beautiful city. The houses have very sloped roofs and the whole city is littered with vegetation, unlike any other. Following, we left to Italy and saw a number of famous sites and got drunk on the refreshment of watermelon juice in the sun. We then went to a Spanish island for a while which was a very relaxing experience, it was late autumn and we pretty much spent every day at the beach under the sun and eating ice-cream. To contrast our next trip was in Poland and it was winter so every surface was white. We didn't have a home anymore; our apartment that Bo and I had shared hadn't left our possession at the end of the month after we left, and we didn't feel like we had anything to return to.
For Christmas we were in Australia; because why wouldn't you? It was such a different experience but good to try out. We seized all opportunities until we didn't have enough money to so anymore. It was time to go home.
We came back on a high, almost out of money, though we were intending to return to university when September and that already called for loans. Bo wanted to go back to specialise in business law so he could work for big businesses in the city. Moo wanted to take her English degree further and do a doctorate. And I needed to go back and continue medicine.
During the time between returning to Paris and starting back at uni again, we saw a poster up for L'Amis of the world or something- I remember the exact words. I'd read all of it, what they were about and felt interested enough to check it out. Bo and I went together because he wanted to go with me, and that's where we meet the closest friends I have today.
This was where I'd meet all of your Uncles: Enjolras was the leader of the group, and I could immediately see why. Combferre was a silent leader; he was smart, more grounded and probably easier to talk to than Enjolras. You were inspired by Enjolras but it was Combeferre you'd reason with and talk to afterwards. Plus, he also did medicine so we got on well. Courfeyrac was loved by everyone: because you couldn't not. He could talk to anyone, especially if you were a woman, and was extremely well informed and interesting to talk to. His ability to be liked by anyone never detracts from his enthusiasm for restoring justice and helping others, and I like that.
There was Feuilly, who had no money himself but cared so much about other people in the same predicament, Bahorel was as enthusiastic as anyone else but he had a habit of getting himself into fights over his opinions, which would have worried me if I didn't think he enjoyed it so much. Jehan was going out with Courfeyrac and he was very also passionate about the subject of our meetings, as well a lot of other things like poetry, art and love. I found it funny that they'd gotten together because they were quite different in the way they viewed love, but they seemed to make it work somehow.
Marius was more of a half-hearted member, who had all the good will in the world but didn't seem to feel as passionately about it as the rest of us. Of course, the only person who had no passion was Grantaire, who is great and I get on well with, but I at first questioned his presence. His arguments were good but misplaced and he interrupted some of the most pinnacle moments in speeches we were all straining our ears to listen to. He irritated me and I didn't understand why he hadn't been told to leave. I wouldn't put it past Enjolras to kick him out at any point, but he never did. I didn't realise then why Enjolras had permitted his presence, and I began to like his sense of humour, and love him partially out of pity.
We all became friends, and brothers. Bo and I returned to the meetings which took place the majority of evenings. I found myself becoming more and more involved in their fight for change. A change for a more just government and society. A change for the equality of everyone; equal marriage, equal opportunities. We wanted a society where everyone could feel free within themselves but also protected by the law. And that was what we strived to achieve.
Now you know these events. This is what lead up to the beginning of what I'm about to tell you.
From where I'm about to begin, it's a year after we got back from travelling the world. I've moved in permanently with Bossuet and Musichetta in an apartment not too far from the Musain café, the place we would meet up with the Les Amis, and discuss change for the good. And I went back to medical school again and continued. Whether that was a good decision or not you can decide whenever you've reached the end.
Hopefully you'll like your weird present in some way. I know I could have just given you a video game or something, but I really want you to understand what happened. I can't live without trying to at least explain the guilt I feel because I wasn't there for you. I've missed out on so much, and it's never left my mind. I think about what's happened to you every day. This is nothing, it's just I want to attempt to explain how events folded in such away for that to happen in order. Please permit me to at least try to patch the gap in your heart.
I'm so sorry for everything. I love you a lot.
Joly
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